Non-monogamous partner all of a sudden wants to be monogamous with me?

[Rubia]

Hey everyone, found this website as I'm unfamiliar with ENM and polyamorous relationships and wanted to talk more about a situation I'm in. I'm 26F, my new partner is 37M and was upfront to me when we met on a dating site that he practiced ENM and was looking for a fun/casual relationship as he was partnered. I personally have been monogamous in my past relationships but I am open to trying new things and was open to something casual.

We have been talking for a month and a half and so far it's been going really well. We go on several dates a week and laugh together and enjoy each others time, it's been really fun! He has a main partner who he lives with and also sees other women on the side, I was only dating him for a while as I just finished law school and am studying for the bar, so obviously I don't have too much free time on my hands to date others.

My dad treated me on a trip to Mexico to celebrate my law school graduation and I asked my partner if he wanted to go, he said he would have loved to but he had other obligations at the time with his kids. So I asked another guy from of my previous classes to come with me and we ended up having a good time, we did always like each other but it just never happened at the time because we were busy with school, but ever since I got back I've been dating him a bit more.

When I got back from the trip and the other partner found out about this, he got very upset and said he noticed that ever since I've been dating others he hasn't been getting much attention from me. He said that he doesn't know why I didn't ask him if it was okay with him to bring this other guy on a trip with me. I was confused about this because this was never laid out from the start, and he sees other women without asking my permission, which I was totally fine with. I told him this and he said he was planning on being exclusive with me after I came back from the trip and now he doesn't know if this is on the table anymore. Basically he's saying that I give him a different experience and feeling and he wants to commit, as he isn't going to find this anywhere else. I explained to him that I wouldn't want to commit to him because he's been poly for years and I would prefer to be with someone who is monogamous by nature.

I basically brought up to him that it wasn't fair that he had zero interest in monogamy over the past few years, but now that it benefits him he all of a sudden wants me to himself and wants me to be monogamous to him. Plus, he lives with one of his partners and had kids with her, so I don't really want that baggage involved. He basically says he doesn't like the feeling of me being with other guys because he knows I'm monogamous and will eventually drop this relationship for a monogamous relationship.. but I thought this was the deal with him because we agreed to something casual and short-term.

Should I try to work this out with him and continue being in an open relationship, or should I just pursue the other relationship and be monogamous with this other guy?

 

[Magdlyn]

Whether you go on to date the mono guy, or go on to date polyamorous people, or decide to be polyamorous yourself some day, this current guy seems like a bad dating prospect. He lives with the mother of his kids (his ex), he's dating several women, including you, "casually," but he gets all territorial when you go on a trip with someone else, and are now dating him regularly?

Who needs that? That's bullshit.

 

[GalaGirl]

I don't know if this helps you any. Here's what I think.

When I got back from the trip and the other partner found out about this, he got very upset and said he noticed that ever since I've been dating others he hasn't been getting much attention from me.

You two practice casual ENM. Why is he surprised you're dating other people? He's got another partner he lives with, plus others he dates.

He said that he doesn't know why I didn't ask him if it was okay with him to bring this other guy on a trip with me.

Because you don't HAVE to ask him if he's ok with it. It's not his trip, not his money, not his time. He declined your invitation. You can ask whoever else.

The shared agreement with him is "Casual ENM. We can both see other people." He's supposed to ALREADY be ok with you having a life of your own. You totally could ask another date, a friend, a relative, whoever on your graduation trip. It's YOUR trip.

I was confused about this because this was never laid out from the start, and he sees other women without asking my permission, which I was totally fine with.

You discovered that Dude wants a double standard, huh?

Is he a harem builder? Does wants to date a lot of people, but expect them to only date HIM?

I told him this and he said he was planning on being exclusive with me after I came back from the trip, and now he doesn't know if this is on the table anymore.

That's where you get to say, "Okay. It's not on the table for you anymore. Your dating life belongs to you. You get to pick how many people you want to date. FYI, it's not on the table on my side."

It's stupid. Why bother telling you this anyway? You were ENM and dating other people before this trip. And it's still ENM and ok to date other people NOW, after the trip.

If he changed his mind about asking to to be exclusive and took it off the table, why do you have to know about it? Want to know things I decided not to do today? I decided not to eat breakfast. I decided not to wear jeans. Do you have to care? Nope.

Be careful he's not trying to test you/guilt trip you/dangle carrots just to see if you bite.

You've only been dating Dude for 6 weeks. Even in monogamy one doesn't just decide to "go steady" that fast. Sheesh!

Basically he's saying that I give him a different experience and feeling and he wants to commit, as he isn't going to find this anywhere else.

Well, you aren't in charge of how he dates on his side.

On your side, you get to say, "I don't want monogamy. For me this is casual. We can both see other people. So on my side I'll be seeing other people. "

If he only wants to date you on his side right now, that's his choice. He can even date zero people. He gets to manage his side of things. You get to manage your side.

I explained to him that I wouldn't want to commit to him because he's been poly for years and I would prefer to be with someone who is monogamous by nature.

This is oversharing. You don't have to JADE your decisions-- justify, argue, defend, or explain. All you need to say is, "I don't want monogamy. For me this is casual and we can both see other people."

If he wants something else now? If you're no longer compatible because you want different things? That's okay. You two break up politely and move on.

Again, it's only been 6 weeks.

I basically brought up to him that it wasn't fair that he had zero interest in monogamy over the past few years, but now that it benefits him he all of a sudden wants me to himself and wants me to be monogamous to him. Plus, he lives with one of his partners and had kids with her, so I don't really want that baggage involved. He basically says he doesn't like the feeling of me being with other guys because he knows I'm monogamous and will eventually drop this relationship for a monogamous relationship, but I thought this was the deal with him because we agreed to something casual and short-term.

OMG. You are not his free therapist. He signed up for "casual" with you. He obviously cannot keep it in that bucket. Do not JADE with him and do not "teach" him either. He's a grown up.

That part in bold is his job to manage. He could stop doing "casual," stop dating mainly monogamous people, and spare himself all these feelings.

I don't like sports. They are BORING to me. Notice how I don't buy tickets to football games. So I spare myself having to feel sports boredom.

Should I try to work this out with him and continue being in an open relationship, or should I just pursue the other relationship and be monogamous with this other guy?

If it were me, I'd dump him because he's just too much, 6 weeks in. "He's totally willing to chuck his nesting partner and his other dating partners for ME? We barely know each other. He wants me to be his free therapist? Ugh. I signed up for casual, which is supposed to be sweetness and light. This is neither."

So I'd bail. I'd remember not everyone out there in dating land is healthy. I'd remember it is ok for me to move on. Then I'd keep on with what *I* want to be doing, which is "open to trying new things and open to casual dating"

You know you can do open relationships NOT with Dude, right? You could do it with NewGuy, or totally different people.

You know you can do monogamy NOT with Dude, right? You could do it with NewGuy, or a totally different person.

YOU get to decide how you want to date right now. It's YOUR dating life. But slow your roll and don't be in a hurry to make big promises or big commitments with anyone until NRE/limerence wears off with them. It lasts 6-24 mos.

You've just graduated and you're dealing with passing the bar exam. Later you will deal with getting a job at a firm/starting a practice. I think "casual" is GREAT for you at this stage of life, because your primary focus is launching your career.

It is NOT Dude. If he was just telling you whatever just to gain dating access to you, and it turns out he was disingenuous? He signed up for casual and is now acting weird and can't deliver casual? Drop him and move on. You're not compatible.

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Rubia,

Your new partner hasn't been entirely honest with you, he's told you he is all about nonmonogamy, then he turns around and gets jealous when you start dating another guy. I don't know if he will listen to reason, maybe the other guy is a safer bet. In any case, I'm sorry you are dealing with this double standard -- nonmonogamy for him but monogamy for you.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.

 

[Rubia]

Thank you to everyone who responded, I greatly appreciate the feedback!

Yes, similar to what you have all mentioned, I initially thought that picking a person who identified as ENM would be a good pick given my situation (I'm studying for the bar and focusing on my future career as lawyer), I just wanted something casual. But honestly I don't like the jealousy and controlling, especially so early on (even in monogamous relationship this is unusual this early). I also agree that it's best to end things, but I will admit I'm a bit nervous of his reaction given how upset he was about me dating others.

As I mentioned before, I don't have much experience with this whole polyamory/ENM/open relationship stuff. However, I have heard stories of people who it genuinely worked for, there were no double standards (open for me but not for you), and it was joyful and worked for them. On the other hand, I've heard of some stories where people use "polyamory" as an excuse to cheat and see other people, while they would be upset if their partner did the same. It seems like this guy falls under this category and I guess his ego has been broken because he's used to other girls begging for exclusivity or something like that. I don't know, I'm just guessing.

Again, I'm open to anything new and I have a budding dating life. I just don't like the double standard and jealousy from someone who claims to be poly.. because it's clear that this is not the case for him.

 

[GalaGirl]

Most welcome.

Poly and ENM are nothing special. They are just types of relationship models. Practicing ENM doesn't mean good manners disappear. And just like there are healthy people and unhealthy people in monogamy, there are going to healthy and unhealthy people in polyamory and in ENM. Not everyone out there in dating land are healthy people who can offer healthy relating.

I also agree that it's best to end things, but I will admit I'm a bit nervous of his reaction given how upset he was about me dating others.

You don't have to end it in person if you don't feel safe, and are worried that he will rage at you or hit you, or who knows what. It's ok to do it in other ways, like text, email, phone call, video call, at the level that feels ok to you. Keep it simple.

"This isn't working out for me. I'm breaking up. I wish you well." is polite enough and short enough. It doesn't have to be a novel. You don't have to JADE your decisions to him.

And then you block him on all the things.

Galagirl

 

[MeeraReed]

As others have said, this ENM Dude is bullshit. He was happy to live with a partner & raise kids with her and date you & multiple other people casually...then he saw that you took a fun trip to Mexico with another dude (I'm guessing, someone younger, childless, unpartnered) and he got jealous.

How exactly was he planning to be "exclusive" with you? By leaving the mother of his kids? Barf.

Now the new guy is getting more of your time...just as ENM Dude's live-in partner & kids get more of his time...you also get to have a "primary" partner of your own if you want one!

Definitely don't be exclusive with ENM Dude.

Good luck with the bar and go be an awesome lawyer!