Non-Poly married to a Poly

[KayCrab]

Hello everyone. Here is an excerpt taken from my intro thread to lead into this.

Hello from Oregon! Just looking to try to gain some understanding and perspective. I, myself, am not Poly (at least I don't think so), but my wife of 8 years has recently come out as Poly (she didn't know until only recently). It has been emotionally very painful for her and I try to be as understanding as possible and am really just looking to learn. We've had an open marriage since the beginning, so this isn't really a big difference from what we've done.

However, I am probably a little typical in that I take it a bit personally, as if I am coming up short or not meeting all her needs. I've read plenty online, but I figure the best way would be to actually talk to people directly who do not have a slanted interest (e.g. friends or family).

I hope to learn a lot and hopefully get over my fears.

Thank you,

Hi KayCrab and welcome I think there's a few people around here from Oregon so you might find meetups handy enough too.


As for your scenario, no one person can or should ever be expected to meet another persons total needs in any relationship (my mother told me that a long time ago ). This is actually a crazy idea when you dig into it. Really the question a 'mono' person could investigate in order to understand a poly person's perspective is, to what extent do we engage other people in meeting our (mono or poly) needs? Do you really expect your wife to meet everything you need? Or do you have other close friends, perhaps guy friends with whom you can [insert bromance activity of choice]. Or a mentor you learn from. Or a sibling you confide in. Or a team you play with. Or ..., or ...., or ..., or a forum you post on? Do any of these things actually mean that your wife isn't enough for you? Surely you're thinking "hell no" to that. So your wife's other lover, your metamour, is simply providing different things, even if they appear quite similar at times.

Your relationship has been open, so I'm guessing there have been previous sexual partners before your wife found someone with whom she connected emotionally. So now she's finding out she is growing in her capacity to love another adult. (Why, why is this so challenging when parents love more than one child, one after another, as they arrive?) But perhaps it's the notion of being 'in love' that's so scary to all involved? Because we've learnt growing up that this concept of being 'in love' is supposed to be impossible with more than one person at a time. Impossible. Even despicable in some circles. So what we're really doing is busting through years and years of our own social programming based on hundreds of years of societal conditioning and working out that there's actually nothing wrong with us be we the hinge, the leg, in a triad, N, W, Star or anything else.

I really hope all involved in your relationship find peace with themselves.

You're allowed to have fears, of course. Don't fight them, but work through them, through communication and meditation (think of this as spending time with your thoughts objectively rather than buying into them).

Arohanui
Evie

It's not so much as suggesting that I should meet every need, but rather the idea of wanting to meet a need and being told "no, someone else has that taken care of." I suppose the real fear is that the "balance" of needs may get "unfairly balanced." Like the needs I meet are working, paying bills, cleaning the house, and taking care of the child and someone else fills the needs of going out, having fun, and enjoying life. But I suppose that is more of a trust issue.

I know this is a bad comparison (and can be taken in a very negative way and I don't mean it in that way at all), but it would be like having a dog that has been your best friend for years, but she's lived in a fenced yard the entire time. You fear that if she is let out, she might take off and not come back. Or only come back for food and sleep and have all her fun without you.

First, I can see that the line in the OP "all her needs" was a poor choice of words. Second and again, I'm not saying she is a dog with the example earlier, just trying to relate the fears that I have.

Logically, I understand everything about the situation. I understand that she isn't choosing how she feels, otherwise she wouldn't have chosen something that has caused her so much stress and pain, just like how I don't "choose" to love her, I simply do.

I've been trying to relate it in different ways to overcome my emotional fears. Such as it isn't that she is finding other people, and I might get stuck as the second or third chair, but rather she is finding other parts. While I sing bass, she is finding a Tenor and an Alto (we're a musical couple, so this is what I came up with last night. It is better than the first one I did months ago about having different magic card decks, that just made her laugh and call me a nerd).

Anyway, I think it is important for me to take baby steps to "ease in." When we talked last night, I expressed a concern about "going out an looking for a love relationship," and that I would be more comfortable if a male friend grew into something more (obviously looking for new male friends is not an issue). Is that a reasonable barrier or limit?

 

[KayCrab]

FYI, always open for advice and I apologize if I ever get defensive. I also welcome PMs if someone would be more comfortable with that.

 

[vinsanity0]

I think your fears are perfectly natural. I had the same fears when my ex decided she wanted to go ahead and open our relationship. The main problem we had was in trying to set too many boundaries for each other. The barrier you set might seem reasonable, but there is no way to know how a budding relationship will pan out. You say "ease in", but how can you dictate how two other people will feel about each other? What I found that worked for me was asking her what she was looking for in a new relationship, as opposed to dumping all my insecurities on her. I ended up being fine with it, but mostly because I found I was poly myself.

 

[Evie]

While I sing bass, she is finding a Tenor and an Alto (we're a musical couple, so this is what I came up with last night. It is better than the first one I did months ago about having different magic card decks, that just made her laugh and call me a nerd).

As a musical person myself I appreciate that analogy

And yeah, I totally understand your concern that someone else gets all the fun while you guys just end up focused on the domestic practicalities of day to day living. This is where she will be learning a lot about being a hinge. And you will be a part of teaching her how to be a great hinge. Obviously this is done better with quality communication. It's of value to her to read up on it too, learn vicariously though other's successes and failures.

Even mono couples forget to plan the fun stuff (been there, done that) and really thinking that there is benefit in always having something reasonably big to look forward to with each partner. This isn't supposed to put the kybosh on the spontaneous, just to ensure that every relationship has fun stuff in it and it doesn't get put on the back burner in the sometimes grind of daily living.

All the very best
Evie

 

[CarolinaMiz]

I can relate to the thoughts about being restricted to certain types of giving/receiving? Somewhere I was reading that it is rarely as simple as A does and supplies this, B does and supplies that and C does and supplies the other with no overlap and only certain people can give to certain people.

The way I envision poly is that all in the relationship - if a relationship is what is desired - all support one another. And why would you want to block anyone from being part of the giving/receiving/interacting? (not you specifically - in general). That said ... I've traditionally been the one in any relationship that is the responsible party - working ungodly hours, paying bills, dealing with disasters - but part of that was my choice and logically a better idea. But you better believe that when it was mentioned that all I did was work and not have any fun ... it hurt. I would have welcomed support from another partner and had more balance. I wanted more 'fun' but felt trapped - so yeah - what Evie said.

This was meant to be supportive but I swear it looks more like random comments. Sorry

 

[KayCrab]

Thank you to everyone for your support. My wife and I have been talking at great lengths. I think one of the important things for us, is that we find someone that is interested in having a relationship with both of us. I'm straight and so it wouldn't be a sexual relationship with me, but have something where we can hang out without my wife in the middle. Where we can be friends on our own and either watch football or something. So that everyone has some kind of meaningful relationship with each other. Thoughts?

 

[GreenAcres]

Thank you to everyone for your support. My wife and I have been talking at great lengths. I think one of the important things for us, is that we find someone that is interested in having a relationship with both of us. I'm straight and so it wouldn't be a sexual relationship with me, but have something where we can hang out without my wife in the middle. Where we can be friends on our own and either watch football or something. So that everyone has some kind of meaningful relationship with each other. Thoughts?

How many of your wife's friends do you hang out with, or have "meaningful" relationships with? I am guessing very few. Why would you think this would be any different?

People like different people for different reasons, and not everyone who has a mutual friend likes each other. Just because she is interested in someone else, there's no reason you really need to be friends. You and that person may have zero in common, and the things they like that you don't may be the things that attract her to them. Of course, you and your wife can decide to put this constraint on who she is allowed to date if you chose, but it's worth noting that it is a constraint, and will make it much more difficult for her to find a partner(s). And, if she finds someone she does like, and you happen to not have much in common even though they do, how fair is it to demand she give that person up because her lover doesn't meet your needs.

I get wanting to have a passing acquaintance with metamours, if only for practical reasons (scheduling, emergencies, etc.). But, insisting that she only date people you can have what you deem a meaningful relationship with is likely to cause some resentment in the long run.

 

[KayCrab]

How many of your wife's friends do you hang out with, or have "meaningful" relationships with? I am guessing very few. Why would you think this would be any different?

People like different people for different reasons, and not everyone who has a mutual friend likes each other. Just because she is interested in someone else, there's no reason you really need to be friends. You and that person may have zero in common, and the things they like that you don't may be the things that attract her to them. Of course, you and your wife can decide to put this constraint on who she is allowed to date if you chose, but it's worth noting that it is a constraint, and will make it much more difficult for her to find a partner(s). And, if she finds someone she does like, and you happen to not have much in common even though they do, how fair is it to demand she give that person up because her lover doesn't meet your needs.

I get wanting to have a passing acquaintance with metamours, if only for practical reasons (scheduling, emergencies, etc.). But, insisting that she only date people you can have what you deem a meaningful relationship with is likely to cause some resentment in the long run.

Actually, nearly all of them. At least all of her close friends. Oddly though, I see thread after thread after thread of relationships falling apart because people are in triangles where they don't care for each other, only one person of the group. I would suspect that more often than not, that will cause greater stress and resentment in the long run. I would think it is perfectly fair to say, "I care about your feelings, and I hope that you care about mine as well."

 

[GreenAcres]

Actually, it's far more common and generally longer-lasting for relationships to a "v" shape, where the metamours have little or nothing to do with each other.

Triads tend to fall apart far more often. A triad/triangle tends to fall apart because of the expectations put on the third person. But, I think you are confusing something here. "Triad" refers specifically to three people all dating each other, and yes, those tend to explode spectacularly. But, I don't think that is what you are looking for?

 

[kdt26417]

I guess my observation is that different things work for different people.