Noobie Needs Perspectives

PinkBubblegum

New member
Sorry this is my first post! Let me know if this is the correct area ^_^

I’ve been with Nahia over ten years, seven years married. We have recently opened up our marriage after she went to therapy and accepting her sexual orientation, being poly, and striving to repair past trauma. We have two amazing children, own our house, have a car… living the dream. I’m totally committed to her, love her, and support her the best way I know how. Here comes some more background!

Nahia stated in one of our many long talks that the only reason she married me was to prove to her friends, family, and peers that she could succeed with a good supportive person. We both grew up not really wanting to get married. Growing up we both did not want kids. Growing up we thought we would never own a house. We met, fell in love, and became a partnered team that has an amazing time with each other. I proposed seeing that I had found a person that I would dedicate and give my life to and show our friends, family, peers our love. She agreed. Life stages happen… and we spoke about having kids. I have the mindset of support and stated “If you do, I do.” I had never seen myself as a father, but could and would enjoy being one with her.

We had our beautiful daughter and the pandemic hit. She lost her job, and we both decided that we needed to move to the suburbs for more space and become homeowners. Another life goal I had never dreamed I would have thought I would have had the chance to do. We found and bought our house… and after discussing if we should have a second child (If you want to, I want to), our second beautiful child was born.

The pandemic put us in complete lockdown. She had no job, and I am the only income coming in… and we are making it work. She started after I suggested & supported streaming as a content creator and influencer online. She has made a nice supportive community at which she can pour her creative output into. We did not understand the quality/quantity of partnership and have fallen into cohabitation roles. Looking after kids, tending to work, no childcare, no friends or family near… life exacerbated by a very real and deadly pandemic. After a panic attack, Nahia began seeing an amazing therapist. She discovers she is demisexual, poly, and works on her past family trauma.

Enter Rob. Nahia and Rob, a constant community regular, form a connection. Shortly after Nahia speaks to me and states, she is poly, a demiexual, and she and Rob have feelings for each other. All in one swoop. She states “The fact of the matter is, that you don’t know how to care for me.” “Marriage, Kids, house… it was a success for YOU. NOT for me. I didn’t want that, and I wasn’t true to myself. You always said "If you want to, I want to" and it enabled the erosion of me.” “ I love our girls. I love your family. I am loyal. I love you. You love me the best way you know how, but I have nothing if we don’t work out. I feel trapped. I don’t blame you, I blame a patriarchal system that helps raise men to have poor emotional availability.” “I lost my way, but found who I am with therapy. I am going to always see true to myself.”

I have always supported her goals and helped bring them to fruition. I’m in support of her living her true life. I’m happy she found Rob who makes her happy in ways I am poor at. I understand and agree with poly and after reading polysecure and the other books mention in other threads Opening up, sex at dawn etc… I am ready to see where this journey leads us. We start couples therapy soon (who has experience in poly) and started therapy for me as well.

Nahia is in a huge NRE bubble at the moment. She speaks with Rob (who is constantly available) every chance she has. Rob is currently out of the country but will return in a few weeks. As a nesting partner/primary/you tell me, I feel I am trying to have to fight for Nahia’s attention. Although our sex life suddenly skyrocketed. Thanks Rob! After having children we would have sex maybe once a month. I like to have sex at least 2/3 times a week. I know it was not forever, we could figure out a schedule (kids, work, life). After meeting with Rob (they haven’t met IRL yet) she knew that one way to help me feel secure is upping our sex life. We usually fall into more of the kink bdsm side of things.

Please give me your perspective and support. I am new. I want to support Nahia and have her live her true life. I want to “succeed” in poly and have healthy partnerships. It feels to me Nahia’s connection with Rob is fresh, new, and sparkly, but provides a more emotional availability than me. Yet I have domestic, sexual, and physical connections. For now? Also the availability of time in which they can connect is far more than mine. I have to work every day. Depending on the hour/day Nahia also is very cold or abrupt not making eye contact or talking… simply going about her day to get something done. I'm only there when kids are involved.

Its there any atonement I can do for “eroding” her identity through life stages of marriage, kids, etc… I hold a huge power dynamic in this relationship. I’m a white male, our only income, we have kids, home… Say it doesn’t work out Nahia is literally at square one. (Which I don’t want to do). It feels like I have a HUGE influence to begin our poly partnership, but the speed at which things are running gives me anxiety. Also of which, it was brought up… "This is me, I’ve met someone, I’m trapped, support me by doing this or I have nothing." I’ve asked to slow things down to think, but it also up’s the pressure with Nahia & Rob’s wanting for their time to bloom.

An alternate possibility is that through therapy and discovering herself, she is using Rob’s connection as an escape from feeling trapped. With tons of time now on her hands, she can utilize her new formed skill of putting in barriers and utilize who she is as a catalyst for her freedom… and put our relationship on the back burner, knowing I will support her in what she wants… If you want to, I want to.

I'm also curious... How the pandemic has affected your poly journey? Positive and negative.

I don’t want to feel like a villain in my own life.
Thank you all in advance. Keep being amazing!
 
I'm sorry you're going through this, Pinkbubblegum. I don't understand the "if you do, I do" thing. Did Nahia mean, "If you want marriage, kids, suburbs," she did too? Or was that you, going along with her wishes? Do you both regret marriage, house, kids, or does just Nahia regret them?

Be that as it may, she doesn't get to shuck her responsibilities and enjoy your income while she goes and gets swept up in a new relationship. From here it looks like you both decided to ride the relationship escalator to the marriage/house/kids floor. And the children are still babies.

She is new to poly and probably totally swept up in NRE, which she was not expecting. She is not handling it well. On the other hand, if you are a typical man, taught by our society to rein in your emotions and not be able to express them, or to be unable to support her in her emotions, you two do have work to do. It's good you're seeking individual therapy and couples counseling.

Her new person Rob is an idealized rescuer and an escape for her. New motherhood is EXTREMELY hard, a ton of work. I know, I had 3 kids in 5 years. (I was so devoted to them I didn't attempt polyamory until they were in their late teens/early 20s.) But apparently some women yearn to escape the kids and decide they want to get away with a new person instead of with their loyal partner, the father of the kids.

It sounds like Nahia was isolated during the pandemic. I really feel bad for what parents went through during the worst of it. And the repercussions are still firmly with us. (Although I think it was harder on teenagers than on little kids. Your kids were born during the pandemic and it is all they know.)

Nahia hasn't even met Rob yet. Why is he so available? Doesn't he have a job, himself? Is he catfishing her? He may be swept up in NRE too and neglecting HIS partner, or his job, his friends, etc. Maybe he just wants some NSA sex and thinks he will just get it on with a married woman who has a stable home, an income from her husband, etc. He won't be responsible for childcare, household jobs, putting food on the table. He just gets the fun stuff.

I am glad Nahia is giving you more sex. This can happen during NRE. Our sex drives increase and sometimes the lust spills over onto our established partner(s). On the other hand, sometimes people with NRE don't really want sex with the first partner at all.


I hope Nahia and you can come to a stable agreement and stop the blame-shifting.
 
"I don't understand the "if you do, I do" thing. Did Nahia mean, "If you want marriage, kids, suburbs," she did too? Or was that you, going along with her wishes? Do you both regret marriage, house, kids, or does just Nahia regret them?"

Sorry, I should have clarified this! The "If you do, I do" meaning If Nahia wants to do it, then I do too. Being supportive. She brought up having kids and I stated... If you want kids, then I want kids. If you don't then I don't. If you want to wait... Then we will wait.

Nahia hasn't even met Rob yet. Why is he so available? Doesn't he have a job, himself? Is he catfishing her? He may be swept up in NRE too and neglecting HIS partner, or his job, his friends, etc. Maybe he just wants some NSA sex and thinks he will just get it on with a married woman who has a stable home, an income from her husband, etc. He won't be responsible for childcare, household jobs, putting food on the table. He just gets the fun stuff.

Rob has been in Nahia's online community for about a year, year and-a-half. They hang out, with other people in the community, and chat live. This lead to chatting online outside of stream, then to speaking on the phone, texting, and video calls. Rob is available because he is caregiving a sick family member. They both don't work and have time (in theory) to talk all day and night. They usually text during the day and catch up with a call/video call at night. Nahia used to go to sleep early, and now she is being a night owl. Gotta soak up that NRE! I'm not sure he is catfishing her, but we spoke that this is a possibility. Rob has stated that he wants to do whatever she wants to do..... LOL now that I type that he is doing the same thing I did. WOW! So yeah he was like... I'm cool with being just friends, or seeing where this goes romantically, simply chatting, or "it would suck" being told to leave. This is super appealing to Nahia who feels all her life experiences have been shaped by someone else, most notably by men. And here is a man who she feel a connection with (caught those love feelings) and she has control to do what she wants. She can exercise boundaries that she wants. She gets to flex her new amazing skills learned in therapy which I'm sure feels wonderful. I'm happy that she can do that.

Thank you for that Kathylabiola.com link!

Will update after therapy as well. Oh and the polysecure workbook showed up at my door and I'm really excited to go through it and do it.
 
If you are doing things SHE wants: kids, house in the 'burbs, how is it that you are shaping her life? You are fulfilling HER wishes for those things, are you not? Why is she claiming victimhood (and apparently with the agreement of her therapist, and you)?

And what's this about marrying you to "prove" something to her friends and family? You're like some kind of prize to show she is a success? You are a trophy? She didn't just marry you out of love? How does that make you feel?

Some people make a living by monetizing their YouTube channels. But it takes work, endorsements, ads, etc. If you split, that would be her problem, not yours. You might owe her alimony for a time, you'd owe child support. What did she do for a living before she met you? I am not sure you are writing from a Western culture. Was Nahia prevented from getting an education and a career?
 
Hello PinkBubblegum,

It seems that your wife has had a change of heart about things she thought she wanted in life (a house, a husband, kids). Now she has built this life around her, and it has become a prison. As such, you have become one of the walls of that prison.

The way you described it, it sounded to me like Rob pretty much has 24 hours available every day for your wife. Does somebody support Rob, or does he support himself? and if so, how?

From what you've written, you are still of the mindset of, "If you want it, I want it." You are not trying to fight her on this, quite the opposite you are happy for her, and want to help her escape her prison. So I don't think it's fair of her to make you the bad guy in this situation.

Sometimes NRE makes us do strange things.
Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 
I hope you feel better for the vent.

I could be wrong, ok? FWIW, here is how it sounds to me. Nahia lost her job and was isolated in pandemic. Then two pregnancies/babies and new house. Many changes at once.

So... Is some of this post partum depression / depression? Trying to "fill time" to avoid/ignore the depression?

Nahia stated in one of our many long talks that the only reason she married me was to prove to her friends, family, and peers that she could succeed with a good supportive person.

That's not a good reason to get married to me. To "prove" things to other people. It would make me feel kinda used.

Like I'm not loved for me. I'm just this token thing to show to the other people to bolster Nahia's image of herself.

But if that is how Nahia chose to get married? That was how SHE chose to get married then.

Cannot go blaming it on you.

Shortly after Nahia speaks to me and states, she is poly, a demiexual, and she and Rob have feelings for each other. All in one swoop. She states “The fact of the matter is, that you don’t know how to care for me.” “Marriage, Kids, house… it was a success for YOU. NOT for me. I didn’t want that, and I wasn’t true to myself. You always said "If you want to, I want to" and it enabled the erosion of me.”

That's more blame shifting to me.

If she is not being true to herself and not giving honest info? How are you supposed to guess?

If you are lukewarm like "If you want to get married, then I'm ok with it" and SHE GOES ALONG WITH THAT? That's her going along with that. Same with having kids.

How is it your fault she had no backbone?

How is it her fault you don't either? You view it as being "supportive."

I would view it like trying to have a relationship with a ghost. Like there is no YOU actually here. There's just this ghost person going "Whatever you want, honey!" That's not an equal partner to me. Someone to actually interact with. That's just a "yes-man" people pleaser. Someone putting me on a pedestal or something trying to please all the time. But all that does is make distance. I'm "up on high" and you are elsewhere. And it gets boring and lonely like that.

Was any of that happening here?

“ I love our girls. I love your family. I am loyal. I love you. You love me the best way you know how, but I have nothing if we don’t work out. I feel trapped. I don’t blame you, I blame a patriarchal system that helps raise men to have poor emotional availability.”

What? You haven't been emotionally available? Or she hasn't been? Or both?

You both sound kinda of passive. Like just "floating along." Til now when she's figure out she doesn't want to just float along any more.

Make a fair postnuptial agreement if that helps her feel better about being a SAHM right now.

“I lost my way, but found who I am with therapy. I am going to always see true to myself.”

Great. Could have been doing that all along.

I have always supported her goals and helped bring them to fruition. I’m in support of her living her true life.

So... are you thinking of doing polyamory because YOU want to be doing polyamory? Are interested in it? Want to date other people? Is that YOUR true life?

Or are you just doing what you always do? Go along with whatever she says trying to be "supportive" and saying "Sure, whatever you want, honey!"

And now that you know she's NOT always been honest with herself or you... is that really how you want to proceed in this? Saying "Yes" to whatever next new thing she says? Like jumping in blind?

Good you have a therapist to talk this out with. Tread with caution.

Being supportive is one thing. Being a doormat is another.

Nahia is in a huge NRE bubble at the moment. She speaks with Rob (who is constantly available) every chance she has. Rob is currently out of the country but will return in a few weeks.

Yup. NRE for the IDEA of polyamory.

And the IDEA of who she thinks Rob is. She doesn't actually know him. He could be catfishing. Or... he's another dude like you going "Sure. Whatever you want Nahia" all passive. Just that he's the new shiny person with lots of time on his hands to play while you have to go to work. Rob has to do caregiver stuff and uses Nahia for escape. Nahia has to do childcare stuff and uses Rob for escape.

This pace is not sustainable. What happens when the NRE fades? Then what?

I want to support Nahia and have her live her true life.

I notice you say that a lot. What about YOUR true life? How do you support that?

Or is your identity bound up in "I'm Nahia's spouse" and you subsume yourself to the relationship? You don't know who YOU area any more?

I want to “succeed” in poly and have healthy partnerships.

With or without Nahia?

What if Nahia is asking you to do stuff you don't really want to do for yourself? Can you say a healthy "No, thanks" to her?

What if Nahia changes her mind about it and wants to close back up? And you prefer to keep going with poly?

Are you prepared to have a healthy break up with Nahia? Why or why not?

It feels to me Nahia’s connection with Rob is fresh, new, and sparkly, but provides a more emotional availability than me.

Yup. He's the new shiny person. He's got time on his hands.

Have you read poly hell? How will you and Nahia avoid falling into those pitfalls?


Its there any atonement I can do for “eroding” her identity through life stages of marriage, kids, etc…

You didn't erode her. She chose to be there.

If she doesn't want to be there any more? Break up peacefully and figure out how to be a healthy divorced coparenting family.

I'm not trying to be mean when I say that either. I'm saying... don't bend all into pretzels trying new things like poly if that's just taking the long way around. Do not avoid talking about breaking up if that is actually the healthiest thing to be doing. Address that in therapy.

Just because she wants poly now?

You are NOT obligated to do it with her just because you feel bad because you think you "eroded" her.

Wonky poly is not any good for anyone.

I hold a huge power dynamic in this relationship. I’m a white male, our only income, we have kids, home… Say it doesn’t work out Nahia is literally at square one. (Which I don’t want to do). It feels like I have a HUGE influence to begin our poly partnership, but the speed at which things are running gives me anxiety. Also of which, it was brought up… "This is me, I’ve met someone, I’m trapped, support me by doing this or I have nothing." I’ve asked to slow things down to think, but it also up’s the pressure with Nahia & Rob’s wanting for their time to bloom.

Set up separate banking. The house acct for house things and kid care. You personal acct for your dating life and personal shopping. Her personal acct for her dating life and personal shopping. When she is employed again, she can also contribute to these three accounts. Right now? She contributes by doing the bulk of the work inside the home and parenting. You contribute by doing the bulk of work outside the home.

If you don't like being rushed? Say "No, thank you. I don't want to do any poly. If you want to do that, then I prefer a trial separation. Let's sort all that out before you rush off."

To me it sounds like there was a lot of HONESTY missing here before.

Same with all this passivity. "I do if you do..." rather than "I want to get married" or "I want to have kids" or "I want to buy a house." People being decisive.

Here is opportunity to STOP all the "floating along" thing and become more firm of purpose.

If you are codependent on Nahia? Talk to therapist about that. Tell them you are torn. You want to be supportive but this makes you anxious. And you aren't sure you want any for YOU.

An alternate possibility is that through therapy and discovering herself, she is using Rob’s connection as an escape from feeling trapped. With tons of time now on her hands, she can utilize her new formed skill of putting in barriers and utilize who she is as a catalyst for her freedom… and put our relationship on the back burner, knowing I will support her in what she wants… If you want to, I want to.

Yup. So how about you become YOU? Stop with the "If you want to, I want to" passive stuff? And you say what you actually want for YOU? You said you wanted healthy relationships.

So assess. Is your relationship with Nahia actually healthy right now? Or not so much? Here is the healthy relationship wheel.


Cuz poly has a way of magnifying all the cracks already present. And other people don't need to be dragged through couple weird.

Who says you are a villain in your life? You can't just be two people having problems?

Talk to the therapist. BE HONEST with them. You have to pay for sessions. No point in wasting the therapy time being dishonest or leaving things out.

If you can talk better without Nahia there? Schedule some single sessions to get your thoughts in order.

Then talk to Nahia in therapy honestly with counselor there to help keep the conversation on track.
 
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Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. The support in just the above responses really helps. The honesty. The insight. The links.
We had couple's therapy last night, which I felt went well. Yet for some reason, I felt Nahia holding back. Perhaps not having her own therapist's point of view to help validate points or just didn't feel safe in this setting... not sure.

GalaGirl is 100% correct in saying why hold back... I'm playing for these sessions. Cash money... let's get what we pay for and be honest.

I have my first personal therapy session next week and will totally include the insights provided above with them to walk through/work on/bring up etc.

Thank you all again!
 
Good luck; I am glad you are getting some therapy.
 
Glad first couple counseling session went ok.

I have my first personal therapy session next week and will totally include the insights provided above with them to walk through/work on/bring up etc.

Could ask Nahia if she also needs individual sessions to get her own thoughts in order.
 
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