PinkBubblegum
New member
Sorry this is my first post! Let me know if this is the correct area ^_^
I’ve been with Nahia over ten years, seven years married. We have recently opened up our marriage after she went to therapy and accepting her sexual orientation, being poly, and striving to repair past trauma. We have two amazing children, own our house, have a car… living the dream. I’m totally committed to her, love her, and support her the best way I know how. Here comes some more background!
Nahia stated in one of our many long talks that the only reason she married me was to prove to her friends, family, and peers that she could succeed with a good supportive person. We both grew up not really wanting to get married. Growing up we both did not want kids. Growing up we thought we would never own a house. We met, fell in love, and became a partnered team that has an amazing time with each other. I proposed seeing that I had found a person that I would dedicate and give my life to and show our friends, family, peers our love. She agreed. Life stages happen… and we spoke about having kids. I have the mindset of support and stated “If you do, I do.” I had never seen myself as a father, but could and would enjoy being one with her.
We had our beautiful daughter and the pandemic hit. She lost her job, and we both decided that we needed to move to the suburbs for more space and become homeowners. Another life goal I had never dreamed I would have thought I would have had the chance to do. We found and bought our house… and after discussing if we should have a second child (If you want to, I want to), our second beautiful child was born.
The pandemic put us in complete lockdown. She had no job, and I am the only income coming in… and we are making it work. She started after I suggested & supported streaming as a content creator and influencer online. She has made a nice supportive community at which she can pour her creative output into. We did not understand the quality/quantity of partnership and have fallen into cohabitation roles. Looking after kids, tending to work, no childcare, no friends or family near… life exacerbated by a very real and deadly pandemic. After a panic attack, Nahia began seeing an amazing therapist. She discovers she is demisexual, poly, and works on her past family trauma.
Enter Rob. Nahia and Rob, a constant community regular, form a connection. Shortly after Nahia speaks to me and states, she is poly, a demiexual, and she and Rob have feelings for each other. All in one swoop. She states “The fact of the matter is, that you don’t know how to care for me.” “Marriage, Kids, house… it was a success for YOU. NOT for me. I didn’t want that, and I wasn’t true to myself. You always said "If you want to, I want to" and it enabled the erosion of me.” “ I love our girls. I love your family. I am loyal. I love you. You love me the best way you know how, but I have nothing if we don’t work out. I feel trapped. I don’t blame you, I blame a patriarchal system that helps raise men to have poor emotional availability.” “I lost my way, but found who I am with therapy. I am going to always see true to myself.”
I have always supported her goals and helped bring them to fruition. I’m in support of her living her true life. I’m happy she found Rob who makes her happy in ways I am poor at. I understand and agree with poly and after reading polysecure and the other books mention in other threads Opening up, sex at dawn etc… I am ready to see where this journey leads us. We start couples therapy soon (who has experience in poly) and started therapy for me as well.
Nahia is in a huge NRE bubble at the moment. She speaks with Rob (who is constantly available) every chance she has. Rob is currently out of the country but will return in a few weeks. As a nesting partner/primary/you tell me, I feel I am trying to have to fight for Nahia’s attention. Although our sex life suddenly skyrocketed. Thanks Rob! After having children we would have sex maybe once a month. I like to have sex at least 2/3 times a week. I know it was not forever, we could figure out a schedule (kids, work, life). After meeting with Rob (they haven’t met IRL yet) she knew that one way to help me feel secure is upping our sex life. We usually fall into more of the kink bdsm side of things.
Please give me your perspective and support. I am new. I want to support Nahia and have her live her true life. I want to “succeed” in poly and have healthy partnerships. It feels to me Nahia’s connection with Rob is fresh, new, and sparkly, but provides a more emotional availability than me. Yet I have domestic, sexual, and physical connections. For now? Also the availability of time in which they can connect is far more than mine. I have to work every day. Depending on the hour/day Nahia also is very cold or abrupt not making eye contact or talking… simply going about her day to get something done. I'm only there when kids are involved.
Its there any atonement I can do for “eroding” her identity through life stages of marriage, kids, etc… I hold a huge power dynamic in this relationship. I’m a white male, our only income, we have kids, home… Say it doesn’t work out Nahia is literally at square one. (Which I don’t want to do). It feels like I have a HUGE influence to begin our poly partnership, but the speed at which things are running gives me anxiety. Also of which, it was brought up… "This is me, I’ve met someone, I’m trapped, support me by doing this or I have nothing." I’ve asked to slow things down to think, but it also up’s the pressure with Nahia & Rob’s wanting for their time to bloom.
An alternate possibility is that through therapy and discovering herself, she is using Rob’s connection as an escape from feeling trapped. With tons of time now on her hands, she can utilize her new formed skill of putting in barriers and utilize who she is as a catalyst for her freedom… and put our relationship on the back burner, knowing I will support her in what she wants… If you want to, I want to.
I'm also curious... How the pandemic has affected your poly journey? Positive and negative.
I don’t want to feel like a villain in my own life.
Thank you all in advance. Keep being amazing!
I’ve been with Nahia over ten years, seven years married. We have recently opened up our marriage after she went to therapy and accepting her sexual orientation, being poly, and striving to repair past trauma. We have two amazing children, own our house, have a car… living the dream. I’m totally committed to her, love her, and support her the best way I know how. Here comes some more background!
Nahia stated in one of our many long talks that the only reason she married me was to prove to her friends, family, and peers that she could succeed with a good supportive person. We both grew up not really wanting to get married. Growing up we both did not want kids. Growing up we thought we would never own a house. We met, fell in love, and became a partnered team that has an amazing time with each other. I proposed seeing that I had found a person that I would dedicate and give my life to and show our friends, family, peers our love. She agreed. Life stages happen… and we spoke about having kids. I have the mindset of support and stated “If you do, I do.” I had never seen myself as a father, but could and would enjoy being one with her.
We had our beautiful daughter and the pandemic hit. She lost her job, and we both decided that we needed to move to the suburbs for more space and become homeowners. Another life goal I had never dreamed I would have thought I would have had the chance to do. We found and bought our house… and after discussing if we should have a second child (If you want to, I want to), our second beautiful child was born.
The pandemic put us in complete lockdown. She had no job, and I am the only income coming in… and we are making it work. She started after I suggested & supported streaming as a content creator and influencer online. She has made a nice supportive community at which she can pour her creative output into. We did not understand the quality/quantity of partnership and have fallen into cohabitation roles. Looking after kids, tending to work, no childcare, no friends or family near… life exacerbated by a very real and deadly pandemic. After a panic attack, Nahia began seeing an amazing therapist. She discovers she is demisexual, poly, and works on her past family trauma.
Enter Rob. Nahia and Rob, a constant community regular, form a connection. Shortly after Nahia speaks to me and states, she is poly, a demiexual, and she and Rob have feelings for each other. All in one swoop. She states “The fact of the matter is, that you don’t know how to care for me.” “Marriage, Kids, house… it was a success for YOU. NOT for me. I didn’t want that, and I wasn’t true to myself. You always said "If you want to, I want to" and it enabled the erosion of me.” “ I love our girls. I love your family. I am loyal. I love you. You love me the best way you know how, but I have nothing if we don’t work out. I feel trapped. I don’t blame you, I blame a patriarchal system that helps raise men to have poor emotional availability.” “I lost my way, but found who I am with therapy. I am going to always see true to myself.”
I have always supported her goals and helped bring them to fruition. I’m in support of her living her true life. I’m happy she found Rob who makes her happy in ways I am poor at. I understand and agree with poly and after reading polysecure and the other books mention in other threads Opening up, sex at dawn etc… I am ready to see where this journey leads us. We start couples therapy soon (who has experience in poly) and started therapy for me as well.
Nahia is in a huge NRE bubble at the moment. She speaks with Rob (who is constantly available) every chance she has. Rob is currently out of the country but will return in a few weeks. As a nesting partner/primary/you tell me, I feel I am trying to have to fight for Nahia’s attention. Although our sex life suddenly skyrocketed. Thanks Rob! After having children we would have sex maybe once a month. I like to have sex at least 2/3 times a week. I know it was not forever, we could figure out a schedule (kids, work, life). After meeting with Rob (they haven’t met IRL yet) she knew that one way to help me feel secure is upping our sex life. We usually fall into more of the kink bdsm side of things.
Please give me your perspective and support. I am new. I want to support Nahia and have her live her true life. I want to “succeed” in poly and have healthy partnerships. It feels to me Nahia’s connection with Rob is fresh, new, and sparkly, but provides a more emotional availability than me. Yet I have domestic, sexual, and physical connections. For now? Also the availability of time in which they can connect is far more than mine. I have to work every day. Depending on the hour/day Nahia also is very cold or abrupt not making eye contact or talking… simply going about her day to get something done. I'm only there when kids are involved.
Its there any atonement I can do for “eroding” her identity through life stages of marriage, kids, etc… I hold a huge power dynamic in this relationship. I’m a white male, our only income, we have kids, home… Say it doesn’t work out Nahia is literally at square one. (Which I don’t want to do). It feels like I have a HUGE influence to begin our poly partnership, but the speed at which things are running gives me anxiety. Also of which, it was brought up… "This is me, I’ve met someone, I’m trapped, support me by doing this or I have nothing." I’ve asked to slow things down to think, but it also up’s the pressure with Nahia & Rob’s wanting for their time to bloom.
An alternate possibility is that through therapy and discovering herself, she is using Rob’s connection as an escape from feeling trapped. With tons of time now on her hands, she can utilize her new formed skill of putting in barriers and utilize who she is as a catalyst for her freedom… and put our relationship on the back burner, knowing I will support her in what she wants… If you want to, I want to.
I'm also curious... How the pandemic has affected your poly journey? Positive and negative.
I don’t want to feel like a villain in my own life.
Thank you all in advance. Keep being amazing!