Normal or not normal :(

[Lovelylife4me]

Greetings! This is my first post. I am still new to poly. To make the long story short, I fell in love with a married woman who is in open marriage and is bisexual. Her husband is ok with us being together. We both love each other.

Her husband is dating some women via dating websites and he is supposed to go out with a woman and stay at the hotel tonight. I am supposed to stay at their house overnight to spend time with her tonight and all day tomorrow. I made sure my daughter is taken care of for tonight and tomorrow so I could go out....

Unfortunately, his woman is sick today and her husband has no plans tonight... So she decided to cancel the whole thing and asked for a rain check because he will be home tonight... Since he's home, she will be home and their kids as well.... Their kids are supposed to be at grandparents' house.

I suggested her we could go out for a night, find a hotel at some gay/lesbian friendly spots, hang out and see places. She declined and said we should not spend money at some hotel just to sleep together. I told her its not just about sleeping together, its about spending time together since I am already free and so is she and it will be fun. I think she made a choice to make her husband happy because he will be home.... I am like... what about me? She said it herself she is not happy about what is happening but thats how it is when someone is sick and the cookie is crumbling down..... I disagree. We have choices. She chose the cookie to crumble down. I chose to keep the cookie from crumbling down.

As a secondary in the relationship, I feel like I have no choice but to say ok. I am torn and I wanna cry. I know she is not happy about it and wants to go out with me. She could still make it happen even if her husband has no plan tonight??? I feel like we can only do something together when her husband has someone to go with. Its like she is worried about what he would feel like when he is home alone???? I feel frustrated and I don't know what I should say and what I should feel. If she really want time with me, she would make sure tonight is not cancelled? Am I unreasonable? Or what I am feeling is normal?? Help!!!!! Thanks

 

[Emm]

Forget about what is going on between her and her husband; that's for her to sort out. Your problem is with what is going on between the two of you. It doesn't matter if you label yourself "secondary" or if her behaviour is "normal". All that matters is if you are willing to put up with it in someone with whom you are in a relationship.

How would you react if you were in a monogamous relationship and had your plans arbitrarily changed at the last minute? Would you feel you had the right to be annoyed? I can understand "that's how it is when someone's sick" if she's the primary caregiver for the sick person, but unless I've misunderstood your post that isn't the case here.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle.

It sounds like that plan was like this:

• Husband goes off with his GF.
• Wife goes off with you.
• They send their children to the grandparents

Husband's plans fell since his GF got sick. So... what does that have to do with anything else?

• The kids could still go to the grandparents.
• Wife could still keep her date with you. Maybe modify the location if it's too weird to husband to have you spend the night at their house. But you seemed willing to hotel.
• Husband could go out with other friends or choose to have some "me time" on his own.

His plans falling through is not a reason for her to stand you up.

• Not her sick GF. She doesn't have to take care of her.
• He's not sick. She doesn't have to take care of him.
• No sick children. She doesn't have to take care of them.

I feel like we can only do something together when her husband has someone to go with. Its like she is worried about what he would feel like when he is home alone?

You could ask her.

"In this relationship, do you expect to keep dates you make with me only if husband has plans elsewhere? And if his plans fall through, that automatically means yours are canceled also? Do you have agreements with him that can affect me that I don't know about?"​

If that is the case, maybe you don't want to date her any more until you sort out what all the agreements are and what all the expectations are and you have some time to think about it.

Decide if this is something you want to keep signing up for or not.

I feel frustrated and I don't know what I should say and what I should feel. If she really want time with me, she would make sure tonight is not cancelled? Am I unreasonable? Or what I am feeling is normal?? Help!!!!! Thanks

Nobody likes being stood up without a good explanation. I think it is normal to feel upset by it.

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Lovelylife4me,

Your lady friend's sudden cancelation seems a bit extreme to me, and I don't blame you for feeling upset about it. What you have to do is decide whether you want to put up with this sort of thing in a relationship with her. If you don't want to put up with it, then breaking up with her might be the thing to do.

As for being a secondary, you should check out this link ... https://www.morethantwo.com/polyforsecondaries.html#bor

I hope that helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Marcus]

As a secondary in the relationship, I feel like I have no choice but to say ok.

In the end, you are 100% right. By this type of hierarchical design, your needs/wishes/desires are clearly lower priority to theirs. If this sort of arrangement isn't good for you, I'd say move on and chalk it up to a learning experience.

 

[Bluebird]

Yeah, that's not cool, and I would definitely ask to sit down and discuss this. If this sort of thing doesn't work for you, then you have every right to move on and find a relationship that does work.

 

[Magdlyn]

In the end, you are 100% right. By this type of hierarchical design, your needs/wishes/desires are clearly lower priority to theirs. If this sort of arrangement isn't good for you, I'd say move on and chalk it up to a learning experience.

I disagree. Kevin's post just above you shows that secondaries can and do have rights, and it's all negotiable. Maybe her partner just didn't realize how rude it was to cancel plans when her husband's plans had changed.

 

[Marcus]

it's all negotiable

It *can* all be negotiable, sure. The situation being described by the OP doesn't sound very fluid to me, but I'm just going off of what has been presented.

 

[anamikanon]

There could be things out of your knowledge compelling her actions.

Her husband's feelings about your relationship are unknown.

If your relationship is new, she may be trying to head off potential jealousy or other issues with husband by avoiding being with you while leaving him disappointed at home. However, she does not appear to have communicated this to you.

Another example possibility is that it could be that she does not prefer going out. I am like that. I don't like eating out and such. To me it is the opposite of romantic to negotiate lots of people, interact with restaurant staff or whatever and be a part of a larger situation with time together being interrupted by other people and so on. If I was in her place, I'd definitely cancel if I couldn't have my lover home. But this too could be communicated. Besides, you did suggest a hotel.

So the real issue as I understand is that you have no explanation for the cancellation.

Anyone would accommodate a loved one even if it meant disappointment if there were a good reason it were necessary. The reason appears to be missing or inadequate.

 

[vinsanity0]

This is something you need to get out in front of right now. The fact she doesn't see this is wrong tells me they have some extreme couple's privilege thing going on.