Not cut out for polyamory or lack of fire in relationship?

[Reyzur]

Hello everyone, I am currently going through some things in my relationship where I am feeling neglected, or even un-loved. But I wonder if those are just personal insecurities, or if I have gotten the definition of polyamory wrong.

Background
My boyfriend and I have lived together for 3 years as FWB. Last year in August, he moved away to San Francisco after finding in a job. We kept in touch despite the distance. This year, I was in the process of making plans to move to Sacramento for University. This was when my boyfriend confessed his love for me and asked me to move-in with him and attend a different University. Knowing that we would both have busy lives (work for him, school for me, I suggested we have a polyamorous relationship. He liked the idea, and we are now on the 8th month of our relationship.

Current Situation
During the relationship, we both took to flight with the idea of dating others outside our relationship. He managed to get together with 2 other guys in this time, and his coworkers all know of his status of being in a polyamorous relationship with 3 guys total.

I, on the other hand, haven't had much luck during the summer in finding other guys. Unlike my boyfriend, however, I didn't go around telling people that I am in a polyamorous relationship.

Three weeks ago, I met a guy named "C." We hit it off, and I brought him home to hang out and play boardgames with my boyfriend and I. After the hang out, I talked with my boyfriend about the possibility of becoming monogamous. He didn't like the idea, and said that he was perfectly happy being polyamorous. For me, I just didn't want to continue trying to meet new guys. I wasn't jealous of his other 2 boyfriends. He suggested that I continue to talk to C saying that he seems like a good guy. I said that I wasn't sure I wanted to continue this.

During this time that I've lived with my boyfriend, I haven't felt loved in awhile. I asked him if he can show me a little more assurance, but he says that I'm being clingy and that I can't expect much since he works all the time, and is just too tired by the time he gets home. He says that I should talk to other guys to find someone who can give me the attention that I need.

I may be missing some details here, but in this emotional roller coaster, there came a point where I asked him if he had fallen out of love with me. He couldn't answer the question, but assured me that he would never leave me nor would he ever break up with me. But if I ever found someone new, he would be okay with me leaving him for the other person. This got me so confused.

I have tried to talk about my situation with other friends, but I would like to get some advice from people who are pro-polyamory. It didn't help when my friends blamed my relationship problems with the fact that we are trying polyamory.

Have I gotten the wrong idea of polyamory? Am I right in feeling insecure that my needs are not being met? Could it be that my boyfriend has the idea of polyamory correct and that I just misunderstood? If so, maybe I'm just not cut out for polyamory?

 

[KC43]

There is no "correct" or "incorrect" polyamory. There's simply the way that works for the individuals involved in any given relationship or situation. In your case, it sounds like it is not working.

If you feel like your needs aren't being met, they aren't being met. Your feelings are valid. That doesn't mean that your boyfriend would see it the same way, but it does mean that clearly you need something from him that you aren't getting, or you wouldn't feel the way you feel.

It sounds to me like *you* might be monogamous. Monogamous isn't only a relationship construct. It's also a romantic orientation, just as homosexuality, heterosexuality, etc. are sexual orientations. From what you say in your post, you prefer a model in which you have only one partner, who has only you as a partner.

However, your boyfriend appears to be polyamorous, which again is an orientation. It is perfectly possible and workable for one partner in a relationship to be polyamorous and have see other people, while the other partner is monogamous. That's how my marriage is, and there are others on these forums in similar situations, including at least one or two who are on the monogamous side of the equation. If the two partners in the given relationship respect each other and are willing to communicate, reassure one another, etc., it can work quite well.

Unfortunately, instead of responding to your need for *his* time and attention by giving it to you, your boyfriend is telling you to substitute time and attention from other men. He's trying to make you be polyamorous when it might just not be how you're "wired", so to speak. He's also negating and invalidating your feelings and needs when he tells you to go to other men for the things you want from *him*.

You're in a relationship with a man who told you in the past that he's in love with you. Asking whether he still loves you is not "clingy." Given his current behavior, it's a completely rational question, and one it sounds like he is unwilling to answer. To me, that isn't a good sign.

Regardless of how you feel about him, or how he feels about you, your relationship has reached a point of incompatibility. He wants other men in his life. You want only him. He doesn't want to talk feelings or reassure you that he loves you. Those are things you need. And he sounds unwilling to try to meet you partway; he's expecting you to do what he wants you to do without giving you anything in return.

 

[vinsanity0]

I don't think your problems have a thing to do with polyamory. It sounds more like your BF just doesn't give a crap.

 

[GalaGirl]

I am sorry you struggle. TBH, I think you are being gaslighted.

After the hang out, I talked with my boyfriend about the possibility of becoming monogamous. He didn't like the idea, and said that he was perfectly happy being polyamorous. For me, I just didn't want to continue trying to meet new guys. I wasn't jealous of his other 2 boyfriends.

To me that sounds like you were trying to tell him you want to stop dating on your side. And he can date on his side. Am I hearing wrong?

He says that I should talk to other guys to find someone who can give me the attention that I need.

He prefers you date other people so he doesn't have to meet your need for attention. He likes receiving from you but doesn't want to put in anything. Is that it?

I haven't felt loved in awhile. I asked him if he can show me a little more assurance, but he says that I'm being clingy and that I can't expect much since he works all the time, and is just too tired by the time he gets home.

Rather than just a plain "No. I am not willing" he goes "No. You are clingy. You are not allowed to expect things from me."

Calling you names/putting you down when you basically are reporting how you feel and making a request is not kind behavior. He's not a mind reader - if you don't speak up how else would he know what's going on with you? You simply having some needs is NOT you being clingy.

He sounds like he makes excuses rather than just own that he no longer wants to invest here.

I asked him if he had fallen out of love with me. He couldn't answer the question, but assured me that he would never leave me nor would he ever break up with me. But if I ever found someone new, he would be okay with me leaving him for the other person.

So he does not love you any more. But he likes keeping you around and enjoys what you do for him so he's not going to say it outright. And since he knows you don't want to date other people he can afford to be "generous" and say that if you ever found someone he would be ok with you leaving to find happiness elsewhere. Makes him look less like a jerk for keeping you on the string. I could be wrong there, but that's how it sounds to me.

If he no longer wants to participate in a relationship with you? And he has reached poly saturation and has no time/energy left? He's run down? I think he could do the decent thing and break up with you clean. Rather than give you just enough to keep you on the string. Reduce his partner load so he's not run down and free you to find someone who wants to be with you and WILL meet your needs consistently rather than intermittently.

I don't think the problem is polyamory. I think it is your BF not meeting you needs and not treating you well. Mind games.

Am I right in feeling insecure that my needs are not being met? Could it be that my boyfriend has the idea of polyamory correct and that I just misunderstood? If so, maybe I'm just not cut out for polyamory?

Your needs are not being met. Period. You noticing that doesn't mean you are "insecure or clingy." You simply have needs that are not being met. And you have the eyes to see it.

I think your BF plays the "change the spotlight" game. Shines it all on you or anywhere but on himself. So when you are distracted doubting yourself and thinking "Is it me? Am I crazy?" Nobody is examining too close why the relationship is not stable. (Cuz he doesn't do his share and hold up his end of the stick.)

He's blowing fog and gaslighting you. You also report emotional roller coaster. Those are red flags to me. This is not about polyamory. This is about "Is this a healthy relationship here?"

Even in polyamory, one has to work with their partner to keep that relationship healthy. If this is basically BF not holding up his end of the stick it doesn't matter if he has other relationships or not. He's just not holding up his end of the stick on THIS layer here with you.

Don't get caught up in the fog. The bottom line is that your needs are not met here and not likely to be. He's not willing to change his behavior and he's not interested in investing here.

What would you like to do next?

Galagirl

 

[polychronopolous]

Could be insecurities, could also be he's just not that into you.

 

[sparklepop]

Hi Reyzur,

From what you've said here, these don't sound like insecurities. They sound like well-founded symptoms of unhappiness in your relationship.

I asked him if he can show me a little more assurance, but he says that I'm being clingy and that I can't expect much since he works all the time, and is just too tired by the time he gets home.

I can't answer for your boyfriend, but I can say that when I'm in love with someone and they ask for assurance, this is not my response. My response is to give assurance plentifully.

He says that I should talk to other guys to find someone who can give me the attention that I need.

In other words, he does not want to - or cannot - give you the level of attention that you crave from a partner. This does not mean there is anything wrong with you. it suggests that what you are looking for you will find in someone who isn't your current boyfriend.

I may be missing some details here, but in this emotional roller coaster, there came a point where I asked him if he had fallen out of love with me. He couldn't answer the question, but assured me that he would never leave me nor would he ever break up with me.

I'm curious as to why you are still with him if he wasn't able to answer that question?

But if I ever found someone new, he would be okay with me leaving him for the other person. This got me so confused.

These aren't signs of the kind of loving relationship you want to be having.

It didn't help when my friends blamed my relationship problems with the fact that we are trying polyamory.

I totally understand.

Have I gotten the wrong idea of polyamory? Am I right in feeling insecure that my needs are not being met? Could it be that my boyfriend has the idea of polyamory correct and that I just misunderstood? If so, maybe I'm just not cut out for polyamory?

Polyamory basically means 'loving more than one'. How this looks in reality, and how people use the term in practice, can vary greatly. What can be helpful is to focus less on the label and more on the situation as it stands.

You are currently living with someone who does not reassure you of his love for you, cannot answer the question 'have you fallen out of love with me?', uses work and fatigue as an excuse not to cherish you (but still has time for other partners), tells you that you are too clingy and tells you that he would be fine if you left him for someone else.

On the plus side, he tells you that he'd never break up with you. Perhaps he cares about you. Perhaps he likes living with you. Perhaps he likes the sex or the friendship, or something else. But ultimately, he's basically telling you that he wants to be able to put minimal (or no) effort into your relationship and still enjoy whatever he feels the perks of it are.

For me, polyamory is about having the *option* to enjoy multiple relationships if I want to. There are times that I seek multiple partners and times that I feel no need to seek. However, whether I have one partner or multiple partners, what's important to me is that any relationship I'm in feels fundamentally good. What's definitely important to me is that there is balance. So if I'm deeply in love with one partner, it wouldn't be good for me to stay if they didn't feel the same way. If I feel casually towards another partner but love the sex, it wouldn't be good for me (or them) to stay if they felt much more for me. You know in your gut already what polyamory means to you: It means that regardless of other partners, you want a partner who will reassure you when you need that. I do too. If I'm insecure, I want a partner who will reassure me and be kind to me and take me out for dinner, whether we're poly or not. It sounds like you would like a compassionate, reassuring partner too!

The kind of relationship you're in right now would be fine if you were fine with it too, but you're not! I'd also be concerned about the way he is trying to shirk you off onto other men to fulfill his agenda of wanting to remain polyamorous. If it were me, I'd move out, end the relationship altogether or take it back to FWB, and find someone who matches my feelings for them.

 

[PolyinMT]

Hello! I've read your post and all the great responses. I wasn't going to add anything but I keep thinking about your situation so I decided to leave my thoughts for you...

* Your feelings are always valid and important. Any partner should treat them as such.
* When you felt loved from your boyfriend what was it that made you feel this way? What specifically do you need from him to feel this again? Is it possible that he is showing his love in other ways? Example: When my husband and I were newly together he brought up that I didn't verbalize my love for him as much as he would like/needed me to. I had to work at it until it became something natural for me to do. He shows his love for me through verbal communication and all these day to day tasks he does (Such as getting up early to make sure he can clear the drive for me in the winter). When he's working lots or work is particularly stressful he becomes a bit more distant. I remind myself all that he does for me and our family and it helps me deal during these times. My limit is usually 2 weeks and then we have a sit down about being present at home and leaving work issues at work. My point is to make sure you are allowing yourself the time to really think about all that is going on in both your lives when you're not emotional and to look at all the details. Does your boyfriend feel like he's being loving just not in a way that speaks to you?
* The not answering your question about if he still loves you is wellll....not nice. No getting around that. The why is what I've wondered about. Could he really not know? Could it be that he's acting this way as a protective mechanism?

You do deserve to have some more talks with your boyfriend about this. He should want to work through all this. It's always good to be understanding of what is going on in a partner's life but you shouldn't be expected to put yourself on hold for too long (like I said, 2 weeks is usually my limit).

Good luck in figuring out what you want!

 

[Reyzur]

Firstly, I would like to thank everyone for your thoughts and comments. It really helps to get viewpoints from those outside the box.

I think I really am starting to understand that I may actually be monogamous. I liked the idea of polyamory because I was drawn to the idea of less restrictions. I had heard of other relationships where one partner wasn't allowed to go out with friends or whatever because the other partner didn't like it. I had slowly merged that as a norm with monogamy. I want to be able to enjoy my freedom of hanging out with friends without being restricted to "ask for permission" from my partner so to speak, which was probably why I introduced polyamory to my BF.

I had a talk with my boyfriend a few nights ago. He apologized about that other time saying that he knows that he hurt me when he couldn't give me any reassurance, but that he didn't say anything because he felt inadequate at the time. He didn't tell me that he ended it with the other 2 guys recently because he was feeling overwhelmed with work. Although it's a little better than before, he has really low self-esteem. When I complained about my needs not being met, rather than try and fix them, he felt like a failure and figured I was better off with someone else. So in that sense, he was pushing me away to find someone "better."

We had a past where we went to college together. His own family called him stupid, while I was smart and getting good grades. Now he's quit college, moved away and went to work, while I'm in my junior year (first year transfer).

The name calling ("clingy") and jabs he does on a regular basis is something he's working on. He's sarcastic on a daily basis, and while I should know that he's joking most of the time, it still gets to me at times, as I am more of the serious type. I have told him that he needs to slow it down at times when I'm not in a good mood.

He has also said, "Aren't I showing you love already? I'm working for our future, I cook for you, though I know I sometimes burn your eggs, but I'm trying to provide and keep the apartment." I suppose that I should be understanding and see what efforts he has put in for us to live together, but at the same time, I excuse that just because I am providing my fair share of income and don't ask him to cook for me. He loves to cook, and he loves it when I enjoy his food, so he usually insists on cooking for me. For him, he says I don't see his efforts and that makes him resent me sometimes. (like when I complain that the eggs are burnt, or when he has dinner ready for me when I get home from school, but I didn't see it, so I didn't eat it.)

As a high achiever, I tend to hold my standards pretty high up. When he doesn't meet "my needs" he feels that he'll never match up, so he tends to give up. As much as he loves me, which is why he could never end it with me, he feels like he doesn't deserve me. He asked me if I could even be happy with a guy like him. Again, I forget about his low self-esteem.

Just today and yesterday, he gave me a good-bye kiss and "I love you" before leaving to work, which is better than the usual. So that's improvement, right? Just that little gesture gives me a great deal of assurance.

One other thing he's working on, is working off the clock. Once he's off work and home, he's off the clock. But then his coworkers call and text him, and he has difficulty staying off the phone and begins to "work off the clock". His supervisors have told him to not answer any text or emails while off the clock, but he's either stubborn or as he says, a "workaholic." Naturally, when I'm spending time with him, and he begins to pay attention to his phone, it makes me irritated.

I'm going to continue and stay with him and work/talk things out. I may just be making excuses for him, as most do when their friends point out problems they see in the relationship, but we'll see where this path leads us. Again, thank you all for your thoughts, insights, and questions that made me rethink things.

 

[GalaGirl]

Glad you got feedback you could use.

I want to be able to enjoy my freedom of hanging out with friends without being restricted to "ask for permission" from my partner so to speak, which was probably why I introduced polyamory to my BF.

Could you be willing to clarify? Are you saying you suggested polyamory to him because before when it was just you two, you felt super restricted and he would wig out if you went out with your friends?

I'm going to continue and stay with him and work/talk things out. I may just be making excuses for him

I hope for your sake it works out like you hope and you are not making excuses for him.

I wonder why he's going on about showing you "enough love" rather than showing you "enough respect." Do you ask for respectful behavior?

• The daily name calling -- that's not respectful.
  
• Making you unasked for food and getting upset you do not eat it -- that's not a "gift."
  
• Not seeing your contributions to the household -- what's that about?
  
• Pushing you away when you bring up concerns? Taking things personally like he's a failure? Both ways successfully shut the conversation down. It is not working together as a team to problem solve THROUGH conversation.

When he doesn't meet "my needs" he feels that he'll never match up, so he tends to give up. As much as he loves me, which is why he could never end it with me, he feels like he doesn't deserve me.

• He does not think he deserves you.
• He thinks you two will never be a compatible match.
• He does not meet your needs.
• He won't break up with you though.
  • Because he loves you so much that he wants to keep you in a relationship where you get less than you deserve, are not compatible, and your needs are not met.

That's some wonky thinking. Is he willing to see a couples counselor to address HOW you guys are going to overcome all these issues? Address the self esteem problems? If he's in the habit of being his own bully, that's not self respecting behavior. It's hard to feel proud of himself and hold himself in high esteem when he chooses to behave like that.

I hope these issues can be resolved. Whether high or low standards -- have you checked that your standards are healthy and appropriate? You could talk to counselor about that too.

To me you sound like you are involved in an unhealthy "push-pull" dynamic where your main function is to prop him up. You sounded super unhappy in your first post.

I suggest counseling for you guys. I hope you can get help to get these things resolved with help so you both can be healthier in yourselves and enjoy a healthier shared dynamic.

Galagirl

 

[YouAreHere]

He has also said, "Aren't I showing you love already? I'm working for our future, I cook for you, though I know I sometimes burn your eggs, but I'm trying to provide and keep the apartment." I suppose that I should be understanding and see what efforts he has put in for us to live together, but at the same time, I excuse that just because I am providing my fair share of income and don't ask him to cook for me.

If you haven't read the "Five Love Languages" book, I wholeheartedly recommend it. It sounds like one of his love languages is "Acts of Service" (at least from what you've said here), while yours may not be. If your love languages don't match, he may be screaming (in his own way) that he loves you, while you may be unable to hear him, or vice versa.

Thanks for the update.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Reyzur,

Getting some couple's counseling sounds like a good idea, but even if you don't do that, at least sit down with your boyfriend regularly (once a week?) and talk about needs each of you have and how they can be met. And I agree with YouAreHere, read the book, "The Five Love Languages: how to express heartfelt commitment to your mate," by Gary Chapman.

You don't have the wrong idea of polyamory as far as I can tell. Your needs are valid. Polyamory isn't any better than monogamy, nor vice versa. If you are "wired for monogamy," that is okay.

I hope you guys are able to work things out, even if it's a little at a time.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Inyourendo]

It sounds to me like your boyfriend isn't a very passionate person. My husband is that way, most of the time he doesn't say he loves me and the bulk of my emotional needs are met by my boyfriend. I used to feel sad that his first girlfriend got the sweet puppy love from him but I have learned to accept that is just how he is and that I can't expect more than what he has to offer. Can you learn to accept that about him? Maybe someday you'll meet someone who is passionate about you too (it does take time, my husband and I were together 5 years before I finally met someone )