Not Dead Yet!


Active member
resolutions and goals and such

In no particular order:

Save money
Lose weight
develop a daily spiritual practice
be disciplined
feel sadness (I have a hard time feeling sadness without wanting to stuff it away)
lower my numbness bar so I feel more in general


Active member
Also, if you wish to comment, please do so. I am not nearly as raw as I was.

I'm doing better. I'm not angry so much. We continued to talk about the no bottoming in public thing for a while. Eventually he said he would bottom in public again. Whip also specifically said this was not because I was having such a difficult reaction to it. However, I am not sure if I believe him.

I am trying to figure out why I reacted so angrily and so strongly to this. That is not normal for me. It clearly touched upon a whole range of sensitivities I didn't fully realize I had. (Fucking hate that!) It bothers me immensely that I was so angry about it. I don't think anger was a 'wrong' reaction but it was outsized. And I am not fully sure of why.

I don't feel as secure with Whip as I did with Beaker. There is something in a monogamous structure that 'feels' more secure to me. I realize this is a logical fallacy. After all I am no longer with Beaker so that security was false anyway. While I don't want to be monogamous with Whip, I do want to feel more secure. I am trying to figure out how to generate that within myself. Generally, I'm a fairly secure person. I usually believe people when they tell me something (unless I have reason not to), I generally don't worry about what is not my business and can't control anyway.

And I've been sheepishly realizing, I've usually been the more self-involved, less empathic person in a relationship. It's honestly weird being the more 'emotional' partner. It's a role I am not used to. (My best friend just chortles and calls it karma. I suspect she is right.) It's weird being the one who has more emotional experience in some ways. Whip is not immature but he does have that self-involvement that people in their 20s tend to have. He's figuring out who he is. I was that way too - which is one reason I recognize it. And in a lot of ways, it was not good for me. I did put my emotional development too much on other people. I left the emotional heavy lifting to others and that is not healthy at all. I don't want to do that again. But I also don't want to do all the emotional work either. Trying to find that balance internally - much less in the relationship - has been hard.

So yeah. Stuff going on.


New member
It's a shift. I'm usually the one with the more "masculine"way if dealing with things. Like you, I hate hate hate crying, especially around other people. I lock away my feelings to be processed when I'm alone and fequently feel like the "guy" in my relationships. Leo doesn't tolerate that. He won't let me lock it away to process later. Usually, anyway. I had him begging me to lock it back up one night. Poor Leo! He draws that stuff out f me sometimes though, and I have to deal with it right then and there and deal with being all emotional. I suppose it's better for my mental health, but it sucks. I feel your pain.


Active member
I have a date this weekend - and *gasp* it's not with Whip. :)

Someone I've been chatting with online. Married and open - not interested in anything beyond a FWB situation but I am open to that. We'll see how it goes.

It is nice to get attention. Doesn't truly solve anything but it is enjoyable.


Active member
Not a lot going on externally.

My date was rescheduled to next weekend. I assumed he was bailing on me but he wanted to reschedule right away so I take that as a good sign. Of course, one never knows with dating.

The recent storm about not bottoming in public is on hiatus. I'm not sure if it has really gone away. I continue to be careful about what we do in public, I'm not sure where the line is, and I'm not sure if Whip knows. I feel willing to bottom in public again with him so I guess that's progress. Treading carefully here.

My metamour wants to get to know me better. I am curious why but I am open to the idea. I don't think we have much in common but I don't know her well and could be wrong. I think I would want to see if we can get together for coffee or something. I don't particulary want to hang out all three of us. While I find the idea of a polycule abstractly appealing, I hate the idea of being expected to be close to metamours just because they are metamours. Ick. I don't think that is what is going on. I think she is just a nice person.

I am experimenting to see if I can live with another person. My best friend and her husband needed a place to stay. So they have been living at my place for a week or two. So far it has gone pretty well. But they also have a set leave time and I wonder if I was living with another person permanently if it would be harder for me to cope. Maybe. But I am pleased with the initial 'experiment.' I may not be condemned to live alone for the rest of my life! If I chose to live alone that is one thing. But if I have to live alone because I can't tolerate the noise and disturbances of another person, well that's another. I'm not happy about that possiblity. I don't like the idea of being a person so limited that I can't have another person in my living space.


Active member
My online dating excursions continue. My date with FWB guy never happened. He canceled again. At this point, if he contacts me and arranges something, I'll consider it. Otherwise, moving on!

I have a date upcoming that I am excited about. With a man I've met IRL previously at a mutual friends' party. We reconnected via OKC. I enjoyed talking with him then and am looking forward to seeing how things go.

I've had a cold that is just lingering. It's maddening. I don't feel that bad but I am coughing more than I like and I get so tired so easily. I don't usually get colds so this is unusual for me. Trying to take it easy but it's been slower than I like. :(

I'm thinking about reaching out to offer to top people. I would like more experience topping. I feel uncomfortable asking that of Whip in public - and it's been odd in private. I think he may be moving away somewhat from kink. We were talking and he revealed that he doesn't think of himself as being particularly kinky. Definitely a swinger, definitely polyamorous but kinky is not necessarily a core part of his identity. This was interesting to me. I consider myself moderately kinky and would find it hard to be solely vanilla anymore. Anyway, I was surprised it wasn't more integral to him. Also he may be 'kinked out' in some ways. His other partner is way more kinky than either Whip or I (according to Whip - I have not talked to her about this). I wonder if he is rather drained with dealing with the needs of two kinky women. Ahh, first world problems of the man with two girlfriends!


Active member
I often write here when I am down, upset or trying to figure something out. If things are good, I'm grateful but I don't feel a need to write.

Things are not good.

A family member is dying. There is nothing more that can be done. I'm so sad.

I've lost my temper multiple times today. I often experience sadness as anger. There is a taboo in my family about expressing sadness that I have been working on. I've made progress - I understand that the rage and frustration I am feeling is because of grief. Knowing that helps only a tiny bit though.

Work is just annoying me for no good reason. We're busy, which is good. I like having work to do. And I am desperately trying to remind myself to be grateful - I know lots of people who don't have work - and be motivated. But mostly I feel grateful for a little while and then still end up annoyed. I am bored and I do not handle boredom well at all.

But I have no idea what I would like to do instead. I don't have a grand passion I want to launch into. If I had money and did not need to work, then I would just putz around, learn various metalworking arts, rescue pets, appreciate art and generally do not much of anything. None of those things is something I can make money at. I've been stymied about this for years. What do I want to do with my life? The answer lately has been not a lot. I see all these people driven to do certain things in life and admire that. But I don't have that.

I continue to have concerns about my relationship with Whip. I have a boyfriend but I am not sure I have a partner, at least in the way I think of a partner. Not sure if it is enough, if my needs are met. Or if I am overthinking or unwilling to do the work to find out if my needs can be met.

Angry, sad and frustrated today.


New member
Hugs - Sorry about your family member

If I had money and did not need to work, then I would just putz around, learn various metalworking arts, rescue pets, appreciate art and generally do not much of anything. None of those things is something I can make money at.

I love to sew and do woodworking, BUT... if I had to do it to earn a living, I would grow to hate and resent it. Find a place to do those things on a regular basis, but as a hobby. Ren faires are a good place to set up a blacksmith display. Some set up a booth for money, but most of my blacksmith friends, are generally part of a larger group (with more than one focus) and they educate and display to patrons, right along side the woodworkers, soldiers and fiber arts people. Most of them sell just enough stuff to buy more metal to play with. If there is a "Best Friends" animal shelter near you, it's a great place to volunteer and play with the critters. A friend of mine drives a group of us to Utah, a couple times a year so we can volunteer (even me, who is NOT a huge critter person).



Active member
JQS posted this in another thread and I thought it really summarized my thoughts about casual sex and FWBs too

"For me there is a big difference between casual sex and sex with a friend.

For me "casual sex" involves sex with someone that I am not particularly close to - someone I meet at a party, have a good time with, but don't necessarily care if we ever see each other or speak again - although I might be up for a second go-round if we happen to run into each other again - I wouldn't necessarily go to any special effort to make that happen.

On the other hand, I don't have any "casual" friendships - by the time I consider someone a friend they are an integral part of my life and my heart (anyone else is an acquaintance). Their needs and feelings are very, very important to me. Which is why I generally don't have more than a few friends at any given time. (I am easily "friend"-saturated). While the sexual nature of a "FWB" situation might be "casual" - the friendship itself never would be - the sex part is a small part of the relationship."


Active member
JQS posted this in another thread and I thought it really summarized my thoughts about casual sex and FWBs too

I'm happy that something that I wrote resonated with you....:) I feel that I have tried to explain this so many times without anyone understanding my feelings....


Active member
I'm glad JQS! I decided to copy your words because I've had trouble explaining that difference to folks too. It's the reason that while I am fine with casual sex, it just doesn't happen that often. I prefer some sort of a connection - doesn't have to be 'LUV' but something.


Active member
There's been a lot going on and yet not much has changed.

I've gone on a few dates with a gentleman who I may need to think of a nickname for. It's been fun. The chemistry is not incandescent as it was with Whip but there. He's also very different from Whip - wants to talk about feelings, has the vocabulary and techniques to talk about emotions. He's older than me, which is different. I worry about getting too involved too quickly, about hurting him. He's quite sensitive. But we will see how things go.

I feel so disconnected with Whip. That incandescent chemistry may have burned itself out. Sex has not been frequent lately, nor particularly interesting. It's not unsatisfying but seems rote now. I have been trying to decide if I want to talk to Whip about that specifically. But it may be a symptom of something deeper.

I realize relationships have ebbs and flows, times when people in a relationship are more in tune and times when they are not. But I have not experienced from my side as a deep lack of connection. I know Whip experiences and understands connection differently than I do. And I'm not sure what to do about it.

Whip and I talked relatively recently about how we feed need for intimacy and socializing. Whip kept saying to me after various parties that he wished he had more time for socializing. I was puzzled because we had spent quite a lot of time together. I was also rather sad that time with me doesn't count as 'social' for Whip. For me social does include one on one time. Also one on one time is what I need to develop intimacy, to feel connected. Social for Whip is always groups, usually fairly large. Smaller groups don't seem to provide what Whip wants from socializing either. I'm not sure why. Intimacy for Whip is sex and physical closeness. That is important for me too but if there hasn't been the time to be around each other one on one, then sex doesn't make up for that lack of connecting. We've talked about this difference and are aware of it. But I don't know how much of a difference that will make.

It doesn't help that I've been sick with cold and allergies, or he's been sick, so that's cut down on time. And he's been working a night shift so I have not actually seen him in some time. It feels like forever. I know I am being dramatic about this. When a need of mine is not being met, I start to feel starved for it. I get demanding and impatient. Patience is not a strong suit although I am trying. I remind myself that he is exhausted, working a night shift and trying to keep on top of his other businesses. He has another girlfriend who wants his time too. I keep reminding myself of that and to be patient - the night shift won't last forever. But it's exacerbated things I felt were an issue before he started this job. They've gotten worse in my opinion. He just feels checked out. I'm putting effort in to maintain contact - I text him frequently and I know I won't get a reply because he is working and I call when I think he might be available. But there doesn't seem to be an effort to be in touch with me. Likely because of the exhaustion. I know.

I am at a loss.


Active member
I also don't know how to deal with someone who is more passive in their relationship style. I tend to identify what is amiss from my perspective and then go try and figure it out with the people involved. I don't wait around and I never expect things to resolve themselves. I don't think my way is better necessarily but it is how I am.

Whip is more passive. He will let things slide and slide. He won't bring anything up. When we were discussing what we felt was social and what wasn't, what was intimacy for us, he mentioned that he felt me withdrawn around the time he asked to move in (many months ago). He's not wrong - I did. I was trying to figure out what I wanted, what I thought I 'should' do, what our relationship meant. At the time, I didn't want him to move in. I wasn't ready for that and I do not know if I ever would be. He's loud and I'm quiet. I don't know if I want to live with a partner again. I just don't know. And given that his ideal is to have lovers and partners all in a house, living together (not necessarily all involved) and that his ideal of intimacy is to be physically close most of the time, well, he experienced me not wanting that at this time to be withdrawal. And he's not wrong.

But he never told me this. Or discussed it beyond broad generalities. I know that he preferred the partners all in a house together model but I didn't know at the time that is how he experiences intimacy too. I wish he would have told me. It may not have changed anything but I would have liked to know. I don't know how to deal with someone who doesn't feel the need to bring up things that hurt or affect him, that just lets it go all the time. But still has those feelings and thoughts that are not shared, that are implicit. I need to be told stuff, I'm not great at intuiting what others are thinking or feeling.



Active member
I am thinking about either breaking up with Whip or seeing if we can lever down to something other than primaries. I'm not happy. I'm not getting my needs met. I need someone who can give me more attention and time than Whip can. I feel like I am constantly bugging him to spend time with me, to hang out, do things, talk with me. I don't have a sense of connection with him anymore. That's been true for a while. I don't know how to get that connection back. He hasn't done anything wrong really. He's just not who I need right now. I don't know if he ever will be. I want to be with someone who puts me - and us - first in the list of priorities. I've never had that really. Beaker also put her career first. I seem to be repeating at least that pattern with Whip. I know this is mostly me and my expectations and needs. Whip hasn't changed really. The NRE has wore off and he is focused on other things now. Our fabulous chemistry seems to have worn off as well. The sex has been ok lately. Not great. I want great again.

One of my wise friends suggests I tell someone all the things I haven't told Whip. That not saying things out loud has eroded our connection on my end. That's possible. I have always had doubts about this relationship, if it could be a partnership, a long term relationship. Whip doesn't listen to criticism. He gets all defensive and won't hear what is actually said. Even gently criticizing brings up defensiveness. There isn't any such thing as constructive criticism with him. So I don't talk to him about what I am feeling. I'm sad and hurt and feel rejected. Even though I am the one doing the rejecting too. He's entitled too. Feels the world owes him something. It's true it's been shitty getting a job, finding a career. It's not easy. I feel he resents the success I've had.I worked hard but I've also been lucky - a fact I acknowledge to just about anyone. But my success has nothing to do with him. He's bitter and it's really unattractive. He has reason to be, to some degree. But he doesn't help himself with blaming others for his inability to find a job he likes. People just don't keep him on. That's on him. I wish I knew why. But even if I knew why, he wouldn't be able to hear me tell why. He would think it's something else, not him. But part of it is him. Something is not helping him keep a job.

I feel like I am starving all the time with him lately. I feel so deprived of emotional sustenance. And I'm doing that to myself somehow. He hasn't changed. He is less interested, less attentive now. He withdrew in response to my withdrawal when I decided I didn't want him to move in. Understandable I suppose. I want to be fulfilled in a relationship. I'm not getting that.

I don't know if I should break up entirely or let go of any expectations and see what happens. I've never been patient and I hate ambiguity. I'm terrible at letting go. But it worked better when we were not dating, when we were not in a primary type relationship. Maybe try and return to fuckbuddies. I don't know if I am capable of that. I've never tried to de-escalate a relationship. I do love Whip. I think he loves me in his limited way. I don't know if he is capable of a deep love at this time. He's very self-involved - in ways I recognize because I was rather similar when I was that age.

I don't particularly want to be alone again. I prefer to be in a relationship. I like getting to know someone. But Whip acts like that is not important. He doesn't get to know someone the way I want to, through talking and spending time. He has to be doing something or be physically close. And that's not sufficient for me. I have not been able to translate that to something I can feel deeply. And I do think his feelings have changed. I used to be able to tell he loved me from how he touched me. I could literally feel it. That's gone. And it breaks my heart. He doesn't hold me like he used to, like I was important. Now it's rote and meaningless. I'd rather be alone than weeping over something that's dead.


Active member
So I've decided not to do anything at all for now. This is very unlike me. I'm usually the one pushing for resolution. But I suspect that giving him and the relationship some space and quiet may show me which way I need to go. So I'm not bringing up things, I'm not pushing for time, I'm not talking about our relationship.

In other news, Tiny Dog has a growing collection of Star Wars toys. He has chewed Jabba the Hut up good and has now started on Tiny Yoda. I find this just hilarious. I think the next step will be a Tiny Darth Vader. Come to the dark side! We squeak! (And no worries, Tiny Cat is not neglected in the toy department.)


Active member
camping return

I went to a pagan camping thing this past weekend. I'm glad I went although I was so wiped from the work week that I was really unsure if I would have any energy to enjoy the event. But it worked out. Ran into quite a few people I knew so that was nice. I went by myself. I hung out with a possible interest and have some really good conversations.

I'm sad over Whip and was not in a place to want sex or romance so that did not happen. I'm ok it did not occur. I was not in a place to deal with that or want it. I can just feel my desire spiraling away from me.

I came home a bit early (tired of being damp and cold and all the damn drumming. Pagans love drums for some reason). Whip was kindly tending Tiny Dog and Tiny Cat. I got to see him a little bit.

There's nothing there anymore. It's all perfunctory. How he holds me, how he interacts. It's feels so much like he 'should' hug or curl up with me when we go to sleep rather than something he wants. He's entirely focused on developing his business and there is nothing left for me. Not time, or attention, or focus, or anything.

Unless something drastic changes soon, time to end this relationship.


Active member
The "Pagans love drums" comment made me giggle. :)

Sending you my best...