Hello. I am seeking advice with my current primary partner. Previously we had an open relationship last year and then we broke up. She then started seeing her ex and they started a polyamorous relationship. I was then brought back into their relationship and while I knew that there was another partner I still saw my partner as my primary. She doesn’t see that future with me though but wants me in her life. I told her recently that I am having feelings of being “less” and that I see the future as me being told no constantly. The only way for me to live with her is if I wanted to pursue a relationship with her other partner. I am not attracted to her other partner. I do have partners outside of my relationship but none of which are as deep of a connection. She cannot give me the security of having a nesting partner or that I have the possibility of being more than just a weekend thing, which is partially just due to schedules. But whenever I ask to see her another day it’s like the world is turned upside down in the eyes of the other partners’ relationship with her. I love her so much and want her in my life but I need more than whatever this is.
Not my primary’s primary
- Thread starter chlo1997
- Start date
FallenAngelina
Well-known member
You perhaps feel brought back in, but the truth is that you chose to start seeing your ex again, knowing that she has a new GF and knowing that this situation would not align with what you value. If you want to start living a more empowered and satisfying life, it's important to recognize that circumstances are the result of your own choices, not anything foisted upon you by others. Nobody can bring you into anything or make you feel anything unless you are a slave or an indentured servant.
Your GF is pretty clear about what she wants and what she values. Why do you keep going back to a situation in which you feel dismissed? Why are you compromising your own values? This is all about the choices that you are making, not about what anyone else is doing to you.
Hello chlo1997,
It sounds like you are having to take a back seat to your primary partner's new (renewed) relationship. Like you need more than just weekends, and when you ask, she is telling you "No." You need to sit down with both of them, and explain that you need more, otherwise maybe you'll need to break up with her. You have to decide whether you can live with this as a secondary, when to you she is a primary partner. It doesn't sound like you are happy in the current arrangement. By the way, secondaries have rights too. You need to be treated fairly, and that's not happening right now. So sit down and have an honest talk with them. I wish you all the best in your relationship efforts.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
It sounds like you are having to take a back seat to your primary partner's new (renewed) relationship. Like you need more than just weekends, and when you ask, she is telling you "No." You need to sit down with both of them, and explain that you need more, otherwise maybe you'll need to break up with her. You have to decide whether you can live with this as a secondary, when to you she is a primary partner. It doesn't sound like you are happy in the current arrangement. By the way, secondaries have rights too. You need to be treated fairly, and that's not happening right now. So sit down and have an honest talk with them. I wish you all the best in your relationship efforts.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
FallenAngelina
Well-known member
I'm curious to hear what you think is not fair about the situation. The GF has made her needs/values clear and has expressed what she is abler to give, which seems to clash with what the OP wants. What is unfair?
Ok.
Ok.
Since this romantic V thing isn't working out? But you both want to be in each other's lives? Does HAVE to be romance shape? How about closing the door on romance, having a time to heal from that, and then trying to be life long friends instead? Something that WILL align better? They can find someone else to triad with who DOES want that, you can find someone else to be your nesting partner who DOES want that.
Could that work out better? Because you broke up the first time for a reason. Maybe it's best to let that romance part stay broken up rather than dragging things on?
Galagirl
Re (from FallenAngelina):
The *people* aren't being unfair; it is the *situation* that is unfair. Like if my house got hit by a tornado, that would be an unfair situation, as I didn't do anything wrong/immoral to *cause* it to happen. Sometimes life is unfair. This is one of those instances.
Also, I am guessing that chlo1997 *feels* like it is unfair. People can't help their feelings.
The *people* aren't being unfair; it is the *situation* that is unfair. Like if my house got hit by a tornado, that would be an unfair situation, as I didn't do anything wrong/immoral to *cause* it to happen. Sometimes life is unfair. This is one of those instances.
Also, I am guessing that chlo1997 *feels* like it is unfair. People can't help their feelings.
Why?
Your terminology shows you are intimidated by their "couple privilege." You are not in "their relationship." You are in a relationship with your gf. You weren't "brought back into" anything. Do you have no self-agency? You chose to get back with her, knowing she has another partner. You can choose to leave if there are weird conditions around dating her or living with her.
This kind of V can work, where you see her as primary, but she sees you as secondary. But it sounds like she's in charge of you, dealing out ultimatums, and you go along or you're out. Her way or the highway. Why would this be OK?
That's not how polyamory works. Forced triads are disgusting. Never fuck anyone you are not attracted to. If they are both saying you need to fuck both of them to live with them, you decline and move on. It's pretty simple, actually.
That is, the action is simple. The feelings are "ugh."
That's probably because you are mooning over an unattainable person. I'd suggest you come to terms with the romance being over. Then you will probably find another person to love eventually. Someone who is available to you without weird and gross terms like, "fuck this person you aren't attracted to, if you want me."
Spend time thinking about what kind of stuff she's asking to do, and maybe you'll fall a bit out of love.