I mean this kindly ok? Some of it you may not like hearing. I'm hoping it doesn't even apply here, but just something to think about in case it offers you different perspective. You can ignore it if it does not apply.
Your original topic was about not being on the same page as wife on poly. Well, you pretty much answered the poly thing. You have done your due diligence and promised to think hard on it in therapy and have come to the conclusion that poly is fine for other people, but not for you.
You also see Wonda trying to get you to just "jump in and try anyway" but you don't work that way. So you have to tell her "Wonda, I don't work that way. So the answer is still "No, I do not consent to do poly."
Latest installment? Now Wonda talked to you about codependency.
If I were in your shoes married to Wonda and I felt frustrated with all this in general and now this new confused? I would have asked her to clarify. I would have asked the blue things out loud and thought about the grey thing to myself.
"Could you please be willing to clarify? Do you mean...
1) You think you might be codependent? Why? What examples are bothering you?
2) You think I might be codependent? Why? What examples are bothering you?
3) Something else?
4) I would also privately wonder about hidden agenda, or something not articulated.
I'm willing to discuss it. How about we each make a list and take it to the therapists? Each one to their individual counselor, and then together at the couples counselor to see if this is something impacting the marriage and what to do about it.
I also want to talk about this question in therapy. "What are my/your current beliefs about the nature of marriage? Have they changed any since we took our wedding vows? Since we started therapy?" So let's make lists for that too so the therapy sessions can be productive."
Then I'd wait until therapy. I need to rest, deal with the baby, deal with life etc. Pace myself. Because every moment of the day can't be THIS stuff. "Regular life" has to happen too. Dishes, laundry, bills, time with friends, etc.
As for the hidden agenda or things not articulated? I'd think about that on my own and then bring it up with my individual therapist to figure out my emergency preparedness because I don't like being blindsided. In my present circumstances? With the therapy money running out because tight budget because we're on her salary only now since my minister job is up in the air? I've now become a dependent spouse doing the SAHD thing? I would recognize this is a vulnerable position. I would make the most of my individual therapy time I have left.
I don't know what she's thinking. So I'd want to talk to Wonda in therapy and get some reassurance she and I are still on the same page for repairing and strengthening the marriage. Or I'd like to be informed if this has changed, so we can change to the conversations we need to be having next and not just wasting my time and energy in therapy tilting at windmills.
IME, I've seen too many people do the avoidy dance rather than facing things head on. That kind of thing drives me crazy because in my personality? I tend to be firm of purpose.
There's a reason Gottman lists those 4 horseman things inside the 6 things that predict divorce.
Learning about divorce can prevent your relationship from making the same mistake or rescue it if it already has.
www.gottman.com
Luckily, for every Horseman of the Apocalypse, there is an antidote, and you can learn how and when to use them below.
www.gottman.com
So... I would want reassurance in therapy that she is NOT heading down that road in her mind. She's still committed to me and the marriage. And not just flinging whatever at me to throw me off balance or distract me because she knows I do "deep dive thinking."
Like first it is this, then it is that, then it is the other thing... when really all along it was ______.
This whole thing of me being jealous, controlling etc and then the couples therapist telling her what a gem I are? Changing the parenting agreement without consulting me? Me noticing her being brusque with me after hanging out with friends?
Maybe the codependent thing is true and part of why she's feeling a restrained or suffocated in the marriage. As the codependent, maybe I don't see it for the same reason a fish doesn't really notice water. Cuz I am IN it, and just don't know how else to be or what living on land is like. Like... maybe my marriage is better than what I saw growing up... but is it the healthiest marriage it could be?
Or... maybe the codependent thing is not true and just the latest thing to fling at me. So I would want to talk to my individual therapist first.
Because maybe she coming to realize she doesn't want to be married any more but isn't ready to say it out loud. She's still trying it on in her head. And in order for her to mentally leave she wants to paint me in her mind as "the bad guy" and she's throwing whatever at the wall to see what sticks rather than owning it and saying a more definite "I know I promised, but I changed my mind. Things have changed for me since I realized I'm bisexual AND poly." Nobody bad, or horrible. But just... things have changed.
Or maybe there's a hidden agenda like she wants to leave. But she likes the support services I provide. So she's torn. And while making up her mind, I'm doing what? Just hanging in the wind? (Seen this happen with one couple I know IRL.)
Or she wants to end it, but she wants ME to be the one to do it. Because she wants to be the dumpee rather than the dumper. And to achieve this aim she's just gonna make me bonkers with side issues and red herrings til I pop? (It sounds nuts, but I really do know other people IRL who went down that path too.)
So if me and Wonda were in therapy trying to fix things in our marriage? I want to know that's still the shared goal.
Fixing the marriage. That's why we are here right?
I would be be very clear with her in therapy if poly is a hard limit for me like "No, never ever" or a soft limit like "No. Not during the years of active parenting. I'd be willing to reconsider later on in life when children are grown, we're retired, and some of these pressures are not on us any more. The best I can do in the parenting time is discreet swinging a few times a year. If that is not enough for you, I need to know plain."
I would want her to be very clear with me about the marriage. Is she still "all in" with it? Is strengthening and repairing the marriage still the shared goal for couple thearpy? Or has it changed and do we need to be talking about something else?
Cuz I'd be tired by now, and I don't like not knowing what's REALLY going on. It provokes my anxiety condition. I'd rather just deal with the real issues head on. All cards on the table PLAIN.
If it turns out that my individual therapist confirms that I have some codependent things to work on, I'd start working on them to improve myself and the quality of interaction in my marriage. I'd thank Wonda in couples therapy for bringing it to my attention and ask her to bear with me as I work on that with the individual therapist and try to uphold my share of the marriage better.
But if this is just one of those "red herring" things to play avoidy dance and not tell me things up front? I'd be
very annoyed. I think as a spouse, I deserve better.
I would not like having to make yes/no questions. Wonda has an individual therapist. If I'm fielding 80/20 or 90/10 of the stuff at home at feeling overloaded? I don't want to do her homework for her. Especially when most of the contemplation questions are going to be the same types of things covered anyway by the same questions people get in "marriage prep" or "marriage tune up" class.
I would save time. Give her the worksheets.
I would suggest that she look up the British Marriage MOT things online and other "marriage prep" or "marriage tune up" material.
We both ask the couples therapist to dig out their marriage prep / marriage tune up questions/materials for us to do together.
I'd be willing to participate, but I'm not going to
design and then participate. Cuz if we could do it by ourselves, we would have already.
Why are we paying this couple therapist for again? Isn't it their job to guide us? Why am I having to do their job too?
And if true that I am codependent... how will me doing Wonda's personal work for her helping me improve this area of myself? So what if she has a hard time thinking or articulating what she wants from marriage? *I* have to be the one to drag it out of her? Wonda could do her own personal work with her individual therapist.
I'd be like "C'mon Wonda! Play ball here!"
But that is me, you are you.
You have to figure out what is going in in your particular situation. And then how you want to deal with it. You are the one actually in these shoes.
I'm not suggesting divorce since I know that is not what you want. I'm just saying... go find out in therapy about where
Wonda actually is at in her thinking. Let her shoulder some of jobs in this process. If you are both doing marriage strengthening/repair work now? Then both get on with that.
You cannot be doing all the thinking and all the work in what is supposed to be a shared marriage.
Or left hanging in the wind. That's not right either.
Galagirl