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Evie said:
Good topic. I've not been involved in these discussions for ages but I know where I stand. I prefer being able to have some level of socialising with a metamour. At the very least because I find it absolutely abhorrent to not be able to visit the hospital or attend the funeral if the hinge gets hit by a bus tomorrow. That level of parallel is a deal breaker for me.
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The way they seem to see it is that unless the other partner got to make an autonomous visit on their terms, it isn't really fair on them. There doesn't seem to be acknowledgement that if you date a married person, they're going to be pretty immersed in said marriage. So, unless you're planning to chip in and take turns at the hospital on a rota so everyone gets to visit and rest, you visiting just isn't a priority. In my opinion, anyway.
 
The degree to which Reddit jumps to “this is abusive” has become really unhealthy. Like, you can’t just have two people that aren’t good for each other, SOMEONE not only has to be the bad guy in that relationship but have some deep seated pattern or even character flaw. I try to hang out there a little and be a voice of reasonable compromise but jeeeeeeez.
 
icesong said:
The degree to which Reddit jumps to “this is abusive” has become really unhealthy. Like, you can’t just have two people that aren’t good for each other, SOMEONE not only has to be the bad guy in that relationship but have some deep seated pattern or even character flaw. I try to hang out there a little and be a voice of reasonable compromise but jeeeeeeez.
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If too many people listen to you and you speak against the status quo, they'll ban you. Blooangl is known for that. She will ban members if she feels like she has lost an argument to them. I'd love their mods to come here and discuss some of their views with an active group of experienced poly people. They can play know-it-all to the kind of crowd Reddit creates, but they couldn't do that here.
 
I don't go to Reddit. What is this blooangl's role, that she can ban people for disagreeing with her? Is she in charge of all the poly content on Reddit? That sounds like a lot of power.

Back to the actual question of KTP v parallel, and not in the current wild, harsh mob-mentality reddit way-- I have seen real old-school poly types, from decades ago, who used to say that if you didn't live with your partner(s) and all your metamours in a big cuddle-pile hippie-commune type situation, you weren't truly poly. It had to be kind of a group-marriage situation type deal, taking turn with cooking meals, all eating together, everyone happily pitching in with all the chores, etc. Well, we know how well those utopian ideals worked out.

Now it seems you're saying, at least on Reddit, that the tide has fully turned towards independent parallel poly.

Whatever happened to "whatever works for the people involved"? Why can't we just agree on "designer relationships"? (I haven't read the book of that name, but I assume deciding upon KTP v parallel is part of the "designing.")
 
SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
If too many people listen to you and you speak against the status quo, they'll ban you. Blooangl is known for that. She will ban members if she feels like she has lost an argument to them. I'd love their mods to come here and discuss some of their views with an active group of experienced poly people. They can play know-it-all to the kind of crowd Reddit creates, but they couldn't do that here.
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Yeah! I'll just ban them! :ROFLMAO: (after they lose their argument with me, of course)
 
For the record, I am not "blooangl" (if that's her real name, or a purposeful misspelling), even though my pfp of Marlene Dietrich has those words on it.
 
I saw they added another must-have feature to meet the poly standard. Now your relationships must be totally autonomous of your other relationships. On the face of it, it sounds okay and something to strive for, but it's totally unmeasurable to the outsider.

All of us who are highly partnered would likely sacrifice other commitments if our lives took turns that meant one of our anchor-type relationships required a lot more time and energy, or if something or someone new clashed enough to make both relationships untenable. It's impossible to accurately measure how influenced someone truly is by their existing relationships until it's tested. I'd even say it's very difficult to have that insight about yourself.

It's just an unnecessary thing to worry about or try and gatekeep.
 
I spend a lot of time on that subreddit, and it seems like there's a group of, say, a dozen people responsible for, say, 99.9% of all the replies. So it's not like they are The Voice of Polyamory; they're just a handful of people with strong opinions. Just like here. ;)
 
Albert Ross said:
I spend a lot of time on that subreddit, and it seems like there's a group of, say, a dozen people responsible for, say, 99.9% of all the replies. So it's not like they are The Voice of Polyamory; they're just a handful of people with strong opinions. Just like here. ;)
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Do you really think so? I think we live differently but we aren't as rigid about what is and what isn't poly. And even where we are individually rigid about it, the others don't agree so it doesn't become the value of the site, just one or two members.
 
They definitely come across as more of, "This is how you should/should not do things," to the extent I can predict what the responses to most of the posts will be. Then again, most of the posts are people asking about the same half dozen situations over and over again; it's a little less of a discussion forum than a relationship advice forum. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
 
It really does seem like people have forgotten that wanting parallel can be just as red a flag as wanting KTP.

There's a short thread on Fetlife where a woman reports that her husband's new match has automatically blocked her on all socials.

The general consensus is that she has no right to see them, and this new lady probably needs privacy to post about her relationship away from her metamour.

For me, that's way too intense. I couldn't have a partner who needs to preemptively block my other partners early on to post about our relationship. I just don't want that level of intensity, especially in the beginning. Or ever, really. What could be going on that would need to be specifically hidden from my partner?

I mean, I suppose it could be posts and pictures of our sex life, but I tend to have partners who won't expose themselves to things that upset them. If they felt weird reading a post about my sex life with someone else, they'd just choose not to read those posts.

You can be poly and need that degree of separation from partners. You just won't be being poly with me.
 
Reddit again.

So a woman lives with her partner and metamour (a married couple). They don't outearn each other by much, but metamour earns most and OP least.

She doesn't pay rent. She pays $680 every 2 weeks. What's that? $1360 a month. She sees the kids every morning but provides childcare between 3-4 each day. The kids are 10,10 and 8

She works from home.

So the only person home all day in the week (using utilities and eating food) is her.

She didn't mention having to fork out sudden lump sums for big purchases and refurbishment of the home. Just her $1360 per month.

Her issue is that the married couple get a tax rebate and she will never receive one. People have suggested that this couple owe her financial equity. All money should go in one pot (including metamours) and then be distributed equally among the 3 after expenses have been paid.

They're also saying she should stop providing that hour of childcare.

I think she's getting quite an easy ride.
 
Well, she'll also never get capital gains, so I hope she's able to invest heavily elsewhere or if/when it all turns to shit she'll be leaving with practically nothing.
 
It would be the same in that instance, but if the couple in question own the house and she's a boarder, then I hope she's able to ensure her own financial security for if the relationship breaks down.
 
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