Not Sure How to Handle Metamour Situation

[Emotia]

My partner recently started dating someone else, and when I got to start talking to them we hit off really well! They ended up taking me on a date; it was very much made clear they're not expected to date me just because we have a shared partner before this happend. I thought it went really well! Plus communication is also a big thing for them which is a major perk. Everything was very chill until about 2 weeks later.

Long story short they started displaying a lot of red flags that gave me a major ick and started treating me kinda shitty. After hanging out with them a few days later they said they'd moat probably want to go on more dates but we're doing their usual him having over it. I evaluated what I feel like could go on a little more the next few days, and I kinda solidified that I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with them, but I'd still like to be friends. Then they just stopped talking to me entirely.

I told my partner last night I was gonna update them on me and their other partner that evening (it wasn't the best time for a whole conversation but I wanted to give them a heads up), and they told me they already told them. I was absolutely confused because they told them what? We never sat down and talked about it. Apparently hey told them we agreed to just be friends. That majorly annoyed me because they didn't tell me anything and just stopped talking to me but told our shared partner something totally opposite of what they told me.

After this I'll admit I don't have much desire to interact with them after that. The fact they said communication is very important then proceeded to so the opposite of that floored me a little on top of some other things. Don't get me wrong I'll still be nice and amicable when I have to be around them, and I DO NOT expect my partner to break up with them. That's their decision and their relationship not mine.

Am I being a little dramatic wanting to not talk with them or necessarily be around them anymore? I would potentially be leaving the dnd group we're in together as well.

 

[Magdlyn]

My partner (Swan) recently started dating someone else (Robin), and when I got to start talking to Robin we hit off really well! Robin ended up taking me on a date; it was very much made clear that Robin was not expected to date me just because we had a shared partner, before this happened. I thought it went really well! Plus communication is also a big thing for Robin, which is a major perk. Everything was very chill until about 2 weeks later.

Long story short. they started displaying a lot of red flags. This gave me a major ick. Robin started treating me kinda shitty. After hanging out with them a few days later, they said they'd most probably want to go on more dates but we're doing their usual him having over it. I evaluated what I feel like could go on a little more the next few days, and I kinda solidified that I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with them, but I'd still like to be friends. Then they just stopped talking to me entirely.

I added some nicknames for clarity.

"but we're doing their usual him having over it." Can you clarify what you mean by this?

It sounds like Robin got your "just friends" message and was maybe embarrassed or hurt or something. What were the red flags you saw? If Robin was treating you "kinda shitty" why would you even want to be friends?

I told Swan last night that I was gonna update them on me and Robin that evening, and Swan told me that Robin had already told them. I was absolutely confused because Robin told them what? We never sat down and talked about it. Apparently Robin had told Swan that we'd agreed to just be friends. That majorly annoyed me because Robin didn't tell me anything, just stopped talking to me, but then told Swan something that was totally the opposite of what they'd told me.

It sounds like you're saying you told Robin you wanted to just be friends, not date, but Robin had said they wanted more? Did you tell Robin you were feeling badly because of "red flags" and shitty treatment? Maybe Robin had thoughts/feelings after you spoke to them, and was just aceeding to your wishes.

After this, I admit I don't have much desire to interact with Robin. The fact they said communication was very important then proceeded to do the opposite of that floored me a little, on top of some other things. Don't get me wrong, I'll still be nice and amicable when I have to be around them, and I DO NOT expect Swan to break up with them. That's their decision and their relationship, not mine.

Am I being a little dramatic wanting to not talk with them or necessarily be around them anymore? I would potentially be leaving the DnD group we're in together as well.

It does sound to me like a strong reaction, unless you find Robin so unpleasant that you just don't feel safe or comfortable around them at all. From here, the communication doesn't sound terrible.

Personally, I do not date my partner's partners or vice versa. It's just too weird to try to do triads, complicated, messy.

 

[GalaGirl]

Am I being a little dramatic wanting to not talk with them or necessarily be around them anymore?

You feel whatever you feel as you heal from a break up. It might feel raw and fresh.

Keep in mind Robin feels whatever they feel too. It might feel raw and fresh for them too.

If you told them you don't want to date any more and just want to be friends? And expected some kind of transition conversation around that but did not articulate it the expectation or set an appointment to have it?

They can't be mind readers.

If Robin took it like "Emotia just broke up with me" and went silent to process that? Some people do that. Take a time out. They can't just insta-leap over into being "exes and friends."

It sounds like this JUST happened. So... could assume positive intent rather than assume Robin is not being sincere.

Could send an email that you need a few days silence to calm and do some break up healing. But if Robin is willing to talk about the break up and how to change to being "exes and friends" or "just polite exes" you would like to clarify expectations. Could (date/time) work for them? Or is another time/date better?

When you went to update Swan and found Robin already updated Swan that you and Robin are no longer dating and agreed to be friends? What are you mad about? Isn't that what you told Robin?

I kinda solidified that I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with them, but I'd still like to be friends.

Are you mad that they told Swan before you?

Is it that you wanted to tell Swan together?

Something else?

It kinda reminds me of when people are visibly upset and is someone asks, they go "I'm fine." When what they actually MEAN is "I hope to eventually be fine even though right now I'm upset. But it isn't something I want to get deep into it with you right now. It is not your process."

So if Robin told Swan something to the effect of "We broke up and agreed to be friends" they may mean "We broke up. I'm taking a time out, probably have to process with Emotia but eventually hope to be friends. But it isn't something I want to get deep into it with you right now. It is not your process."

Personally, I do not date my partner's partners or vice versa. It's just too weird to try to do triads, complicated, messy.

I'm with Mag on this. After this experience you might decide no matter the attraction? Just not to date your metas that the hinge is already dating.

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Emotia,

You're not obligated to be friends with a metamour, nor to have anything to do with them. Am I reading you right, that you started dating this metamour but then essentially broke up with them? If so, that does make things a little more complicated. But I still don't think you're obligated to be friends with the metamour, nor to have anything to do with them.

I'm sorry the metamour has been treating you so badly. I hope your partner will be understanding about why you are distancing yourself from the metamour.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Marcus]

Am I being a little dramatic wanting to not talk with them or necessarily be around them anymore? I would potentially be leaving the dnd group we're in together as well.

Sure, maybe you're being a little dramatic, but what difference does it make? It doesn't take much for me to decide I don't want to spend time with someone, and their being super weird to me is more than enough.

However, this comes with the biproduct of promoting isolation if you end up needing to adjust your social circle to scrape this person out of your life. Personally, I don't want a social circle that includes some poison pill that I find annoying, so I'll move on if that's what needs to happen. Not everyone is comfortable with making that kind of call so they endure people they don't want to endure because it's "better" that way.

You'll have to decide for yourself what you value, and where you want that dial adjusted.