Not sure how to proceed, if it's even possible

I

ILUV2

New member
Good morning. I am thrilled to have found this site, and look forward to learning and understanding more.

My second husband and I have been married for three years. We have four kids, ages 21-10.

We "opened" our marriage to others about two years ago. Originally it was the two of us enjoying others, but always together. That progressed to each of us enjoying others separately. But we always discuss everything. He knows who I am with and vice versa, no secrets, no cheating, and we know that we always come home to each other. Our basic agreement is that we don't play in our home, we always wear our rings, and we never ever lie about anything. It has worked well for us. We remain stable, solid, and in love.

It didn't take long, though, for me to realize that not only was looking for a playmate tiring, but I really didn't want a large amount of partners. I wanted one man that would be my ultimate friend with benefits. Hubby knew what I was looking for and desiring, and had no problems with it. He was surprised it took so long.

In the meantime, I did find him a "perfect partner." They were great together until she started freaking because she had fallen in love with him. She couldn't handle it and broke off their relationship harshly and hurtfully. We were all hurt. She was my friend also. He has since found another playmate/lover, and she is fabulous.

And then I met "him," the man I'd been looking for. He is everything I desire. It didn't take long for both of us to realize we were in love. My husband was totally fine with my relationship, and gave me total freedom with him. For the most part, I spent a few late nights, and and at least one overnight per week, with my bf. He and I would also meet occasionally for lunch. We were happy seeing each other with or without sex.

And then came the problem. He is a divorced man, five years younger than I am, and is still desiring a long-term special someone. He realized that by spending time with me, although he loves me and our time together, people are starting to see us as a couple, which no longer makes him a single man and less likely to find a "forever" that he can introduce to friends and family as such. He is unable to reconcile his emotions, his need for me and his need for "forever."

He thought perhaps decreasing our time together would help, allowing him more "single guy" time, but he was miserable (and so was I). He thought that if we didn't go "out" where people would see us as a couple, it would be okay. But, again, he wanted to do "things" with me (we were always discreet though, as I am married with kids).

We are unwilling to no longer see each other, but I will do what needs done to ensure his happiness. If that means I won't see him... then so be it. I want him to be happy and to find someone special. But if he stops seeing me and still doesn't find anyone (he admits that up to this point he hasn't met anyone he wants more than me), then putting our love on the back burner is pointless.

Is there a way to move forward with this relationship? This is something he has to come to terms with. It's his life, ultimately. But he has asked me what to do. I can and will advise him, but I can't decide for him. Of course I want him, but not if he's always going to feel that he's missing out on something.

Maybe this longwinded post is pointless. Maybe I've already answered all my questions. But I would love any input and thoughts from those that have been there done that.

Kris
 
I think he needs to figure out what he wants and not focus as much on what society expects he should want. Why can't he be "forever" with you? "Forever" is never a guarantee and just an attempt to try to be together as long as it is good for both people.

I think he should enjoy a good thing while he has it and not worry about possibilities or other people's expectations. I think finding happiness is an internal struggle to recognize all the good things you already have.
 
Thanks so much for responding. I posed the one point you made to him prior to this: "Why can't I be your forever?" and he just can't seem to get past my marriage.
 
Good question! I think that your man sounds very monogamous, and there is only room for one in his heart. Perhaps he cares for you, and likes having casual sex with you, but doesn't love you and is reserving that special love for someone else. Now he realizes that it has been fun, but that he is not getting his need for special love met.

My boyfriend is also monoamorous, and this is how he describes it. (He can chime in whenever he wants, if he wants, and say more or dispute what I am saying.) He has a special love for just one. Not that anyone else's love for more than one is any less special, these are just the words he uses to describe it for himself. That love he has belongs to me and only me. He doesn't have a need to find another to give that to. I am his forever. We are all his family: my husband, our child, my girlfriend, my extended family. He has chosen me.

Similar to what Quath said, I think your boyfriend needs to decide if he is going to chose you, regardless of what others say, regardless of your husband and life beyond him. I would wonder if he is having second thoughts about his involvement with you. It sounds like he wants someone of his own, not to share. That is fair. Sad for you, but fair enough.
 
Thank you, Redpepper. I think you may have hit the nail on the head.

My boyfriend does indeed love me. I can see it in his eyes when he looks at me and in his face when he is struggling to understand our relationship. He has said that his "special someone" is someone exactly like me. But I don't know that he will find someone exactly like me, someone that has lived the life experiences I have, that has loved the way I have, that has sacrificed the way I have. I am willing to give him the space he needs, but I fear it's in vain. I believe that I am his forever. He just needs to believe it, and come to terms with what may or may not happen within his circle of family/friends when our relationship comes to light.

Thank you again. I very much appreciate the knowledge of those who have been there, done that.
 
You very well could be his special someone. That might come to light with time, consistency on your part and his own process with it all, I should think. Mono and I had a similar struggle. That part is over now. There is little doubt I am his special love. Now the struggle has changed, as it seems to go in relationships.
 
It seems to me it's just hard for him because he's been expecting and wanting something for so long: a "normal" life progression of getting married, buying a house, having children, and so on, you know, the traditional model.
Now he found a special someone but can't marry her. So there is a contradiction for him. He wants to find someone just like you... but not married.

He won't find someone "just like you". He might find someone different, and he might not find anyone, but he won't find a you who isn't married. Is he talking of finding a special someone and still being with you at the same time? Is he longing for something more official, where you don't have to hide?

I can't know what it feels like for him, not being in his position, but it's probably hard and conflicting. Maybe he can't imagine a life of never getting married to the woman he loves, if he is mono. Maybe he can't imagine a life of not being married at all, mono or not. The fact is, you can't marry him, and maybe that makes a very big difference to him.

He might need to lay things down, between his hopes and expectations and what his life is, and decide what's more important to him. That might mean renouncing the idea of a "normal" life. Which might be very hard for him, but if he loves you, it is probably worth it, right?

I hope he will find a way to be happy with his situation, or change it.
 
I'm not sure if your boyfriend has ever had kids of his own but that may be a factor.

The big thing that I see could be holding him back.....discretion. I wouldn't want to spend my life trying to hide my relationship..I did that before when I had an affair. It is draining and always left a sense of doing the wrong thing in my mind. He needs to find his own sense of "normalcy" in this. How can anyone truly commit to a relationship they have to hide?

Redpepper and I have friends who see us as a couple, even though they know and like her husband. We have our own little world, so to speak.

If you want him forever you need to be prepared to take some heat. That is a high price to pay, but might be a way to give him a sense that he can be fulfilled with you.

Of course, he may just be so mono that he ultimately needs love and commitment returned in the same way he gives it. If that is the case, then he will in fact replace you if he finds the right person. She may not be the perfect person, but someone who he can build forever with (as long as that lasts).

Find out what he is missing. See if it can be found within your relationship dynamic. Be honest.
 
Discretion is part of what's holding him back. Originally, we'd agreed that we would not go out locally, if at all. And, if we did happen to go out, we would present as friends only. That just didn't work. We both enjoy life so much that we want to do things together, and we both enjoy each other so much that we can't help but touch. Our body language gives us away. He has told me many times that he'd love to be able to introduce me as his girlfriend, but is not sure of the response.

I'm beginning to believe that if he is up for it, he should just do that. My husband is agreeable. I feel that people are going to make their own judgements, no matter what. If my bf wants to introduce me as his gf, and leave it at that, then so be it. He doesn't have to say, "This is my married girlfriend"! Just let it go.

I don't know. I'm still trying to work it all out.
 
Tonberry said:
It seems to me it's just hard for him because he's been expecting and wanting something for so long: a "normal" life progression of getting married, buying a house, having children, and so on, you know, the traditional model.
Now he found a special someone but can't marry her. So there is a contradiction for him. He wants to find someone just like you... but not married.
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Some people want "the traditional model" because they're raised to believe they must want it. Others genuinely want it because they want to be parents, want the stability and security of marriage, want to know that someone loves and will work through problems with them. no matter what life throws at them.

Growing up, I always balked at marriage, thinking it was stupid and for suckers. Then I met someone whom I couldn't imagine life without. And now, I love being married. I love working out issues and problems in our lives, helping each other, the trust and security we share. Now, knowing what I have in my marriage, I can understand why others want it.

ILUV2 said:
He has told me many times that he'd love to be able to introduce me as his girlfriend, but is not sure of the response. I'm beginning to believe that if he is up for it, he should just do that.
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I have to say, he's in a bit of a difficult situation. How could he be expected to believe that you're his "forever girl" when you wouldn't even let him introduce you as his girlfriend? That doesn't seem considerate of his feelings and needs.

The way it looks to me is that he's your dirty little secret from the rest of the world. That's a tough pill to ask him to swallow forever. You're married with kids, and as he sees it, he'll always be second place to all that. If he wants kids and marriage and the whole package, he'll never have it with you, unless your husband and he would be willing to live together with you, "married" to both of them.

It's a great feeling to know you're the most important (non-child) person in someone's life, and while he may give you that feeling, he doesn't get it returned from you. Your husband is more important. He's the man you "allow" to introduce you as his partner, not your boyfriend.
 
Wait! I never asked him not to introduce me as his girlfriend. It was assumed in the beginning of our relationship that we were FWBs only, but it evolved into more. My BF is the one holding back from introducing me as more than a friend. He is concerned about other people making judgements. My opinion is that other people make judgements no matter what the situation. They either choose or refuse to accept a relationship that has given happiness to two people... happiness that many people never find. When I said my husband was "agreeable," I meant that he also thinks that my BF should introduce me as his GF if that is what he wants to do.

I have never hidden him as my dirty little secret. My children know I have a very close friend that is a man and they accept that. My adult friends are also aware that I've got a male friend that I spend a lot of time with, alone and with other people. He is a wonderful man that I would be proud to introduce as my boyfriend.

As far as being secondary to my husband... please tell me how to have two primaries?! Until I can legally have two husbands, he will have to be secondary to my husband and children. I can, will, and always have given my BF everything I can offer-- time, love, emotion, laughs and companionship. I've apologized for not being able to give him more. But I have always gone out of my way to NOT make him feel less important to me.

So while I thank you for your response, I do respectfully object to your opinion of the situation at hand.
 
ILUV2 said:
As far as being secondary to my husband, please tell me how to have two primaries?! Until I can legally have two husbands, he will have to be secondary to my husband and children. I can, will, and always have given my BF everything I can offer-- time, love, emotion, laughs and companionship. I've apologized for not being able to give him more. But I have always gone out of my way to NOT make him feel less important to me.
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While this is kind of going off topic, I have seen a few "What is a primary?" types of discussions. The answers varied. For some, it is a legal or practical one about whom you are the most tied to financially or with kids. For others, it is about commitment and depth of feeling, not about where people live. And for some, they refuse to label because they see it as only adding to confusion.
 
ILUV2 said:
As far as being secondary to my husband, please tell me how to have two primaries. Until I can legally have two husbands, he will have to be secondary to my husband and children. I can, will, and always have given my BF everything I can offer-- time, love, emotion, laughs and companionship. I've apologized for not being able to give him more. I have always gone out of my way to NOT make him feel less important to me.
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I have two primaries. It is very possible. It's hard work, and everyone needs to know where they stand, but possible. PN and Mono are different and offer me different things in life, yet the same, just at different times. I am not able to marry Mono, but that is okay, he is just as important. I see him as just as valuable and close to me as PN, he is a different person and is there for me in different ways, but I would find it impossible to have Mono without PN and visa versa. I would rather be alone.
 
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