Not sure what I'm looking for... Beginner poly stuff

dryicex3

New member
I do not know the point of this other than i need someone to talk to/ i need to talk this out to get my own head straight and my best friend is currently dealing with things bigger than this and has heard enough of my endless musings. Its probably going to be a rant rather than a question.

My situation:

I am happily married. My husband is the best partner you could ever ask for and although he and i are very different people, we get along beautifully, work together, support each other and respect eachother.

For the entirety of our marriage (and plenty of time before it) he has known that i am bisexual. (Probably more pan but bisexual is how i identify because that was the word we had back when i was exploring). Surrounding that, we had talked many times about how I was unsure that i had fully explored my sexuality, and we had talks about how, regardless of sexual orientation and the physicalities of sexual intercourse, it seems rather naive to think one person will fulfill the needs of another forever. We have had talks about how there are shifts in needs over time, whether it be sexual needs, emotional needs, intellectual needs, etc. We are both children of divorce following cheating or accusations of cheating and agreed that if the other was feeling as if their needs were not being met or could not be met for external reasons by eachother, then it is permissible to have them met by another person, as long as it was consensual and no deceit was taking place.

My husband is also very aware that when i was younger i maintained many relationships at a time unless i was giving that up for someone who required monogomy.
Monogamy, for me, was a concession.

Our relationship had this built into the foundation, but i think my husband assumed that if this came up in any way other than hypothetical, it would be so that i could explore my attraction to women or nonmales. In some way, for some reason, this does not seem to threaten him. This, I know, has homophobia and toxic masculinity written all over it. He has acknowledged that is something he would work on and assured me that he believes I am bisexual and that lgbt relationships are valid. He doesnt compare himself to people of other genders, however, and his insecurities start with comparisons.

Fast forward to the recent past, where I have gone through some life events that have made me 1) examine the way i am using my time on earth and 2) aware of some suppressed emotions. I often like to intellectually examine my emotions, then validate or dismiss them, rather than feel them or allow myself to be encompassed by them. But after these life events, I am really feeling my emotions and allowing them a place in my life.

Over the course of some months, I have come to realize that I have feelings for a male friend(V). At first I thought it was just me picking up on signals from them. I told my husband this and he laughed about how obvious it was that V "liked" me. My husband said he trusted that V had my best interests in mind and wasnt trying to "steal" me away(We were fwb in the past.) I did not think it was obvious that he liked me (another friend also said it was so i guess im oblivious)and i carried on just feeling better that i had disclosed my observations to my husband. We continued our friendship and i told V about what vibes or signals i had picked up on. He acknowledged it, and said there would always be something there but he respected my marriage. A few weeks pass and I barely thought about this.

I'm not totally sure what came first but two things happened...my husband and I talked about an open relationship in his past and what went wrong/what he considered cheating...and I suggested we read some material and see if we can open our marriage.

I told him I'd like to casually date some nonmales, and that i would like a partner to fulfil some roles/power dynamics he isnt comfortable with. Neither of these things were news. My husband had some apprehension as things were getting less hypothetical, but was very receptive and willing to read. He had no immediate reaction that made me think he was closed to the idea. (We started with opening up, and then ethical slut). I finished both books quickly and moved to forums and looking for online resources and podcasts...and he dragged his feet.

Time passed again. My husband and I went away together on a romantic trip where we really connected and one night while we were drinking, the boundaries in his past relationship came up again and he provided that he thinks he wouldnt mind me doing things/having other partners...he only thinks who matters. Who it would be could bother him. But he couldnt articulate what he meant by that. I brought up some examples of people we knew, and some abstract examples about what would be okay with strangers, etc. The only pushback i got was V. I didn't know why at the time, but this bothered me. The fact that it touched a nerve upset my husband. We spent some time reassuring eachother and getting eachother onboard with what to do to move forward... we had some miscommunications that we cleared and the next day my husband read multiple chapters in Opening Up.

During this time I tried not to nag him to talk or read more. I'd mention the books or something but I wouldnt harp on him to talk or rush into things. I dont want to rush it or for him to feel pressured. But, over time I realized that I was feeling not only physical attraction but emotional intimacy with V. That explained why i had such an instant reaction initially. I told my husband about my emotional feelings for V and he was unphased. He said he understands that we have a connection and that he trusts that i won't do anything to hurt him so he was effectively unbothered. I continued to see V on a regular basis sometimes with and sometimes without my husband and it really was fine. My husband doesn't even have any issue with me seeing V unannounced.

That's where I am now. I am hoping my husband continues to read and talk to me. I would feel like i was dragging him over coals if i have to keep asking him to read... He has said he likes the readings and it feels like free therapy but hes struggling with facing insecurities. I just feel stuck though...Like there's not much more for me to do until he comes to me...for support or with questions or ready to talk. Is there anything left that i can do? How can i support him?


Sidenote: my sex life with my husband was never bad or boring, we have a libido imbalance but the sex has gotten more frequent and has gotten more spontaneous through all of this. Might be a silver lining...But im also worried my husband thinks that if we have more sex ill drop the subject of opening up. Thats not what i want. Even if I agree to no V, i ultimately want to open the marriage.




So long. Probably details no one needs. Enough detail to make me nervous about posting. Thanks for caring if you made it the whole way through!
 
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I have no experience opening a previously monogamous relationship so take what I say with a grain of salt. I did, however, come from a background of strict monogamy. When I started dating a man who is poly, years ago, it still required all the usual deprogramming and learning to sit with and work through my feelings.

I couldn't tell from your post how long it's been since your recent talks about opening? Are we talking a matter of just a few weeks, or months? Either way, it may help if you set regular times to check in with each other to see where you both are in the process. Or, if that feels too daunting, and/or it feels like he's dragging his feet, asking to set a tentative date for opening a few months out, could help. The goal is just to continue the forward momentum and prevent stalling. If it feels like he isn't making progress, an LGBTQ/poly friendly family therapist may be able to help him move through the process easier and more quickly.

I'm sure it may feel frustratingly slow at times but it's really great that you're taking your time and not rushing the v process!
 
Hello, thanks for reading through!

The initial talks were years ago but nothing was set to actually open the relationship. Those talks were about our hypothetical future.

I brought up the idea of actually doing the work and opening the relationship almost three months ago. I dont think anything is going too slow as I didn't think that in three months time we'd be done with the work and ready for everything... I did think we'd have finished the books and hoped we'd have had some more practical discussions though. I am worried that he is not wanting to read or talk because if he stalls, it means he doesn't have to face conflict.

I haven't asked to schedule time to check in because I was afraid that would come off as me pressuring him. That is probably something I could do without overwhelming him or feeling like a nag. Its solid advice. Forward momentum is exactly what I'm hoping for.

Thanks 👍
 
That's where I am now. I am hoping my husband continues to read and talk to me. I would feel like i was dragging him over coals if i have to keep asking him to read... He has said he likes the readings and it feels like free therapy but hes struggling with facing insecurities.

That's fair. He's reporting where he is at with it.

I just feel stuck though...Like there's not much more for me to do until he comes to me...for support or with questions or ready to talk. Is there anything left that i can do? How can i support him?
Could ask him what you can do to support him on working through his insecurities, if anything. If reasonable and rational requests that you can provide? Like mow the lawn for the next 6 months even though its normally his chore so he gets some regular time to do this new work? Do it. If not reasonable or rational? Skip it.

And how about you let him do his stuff himself? Because not all the stuff is shared stuff.
  • There is HIS stuff, that is his responsibility. Only things he can do. Like work on his insecurities. You can't do that stuff FOR him. Mowing the lawn might help him have extra time, but actually working through it? He has to do it.
  • There is YOUR stuff, that is your responsibility. Only things you can do. He can't do that stuff FOR you.
  • Then there's "our shared stuff." These things belong to both and are a shared responsibility.
Sidenote: my sex life with my husband was never bad or boring, we have a libido imbalance but the sex has gotten more frequent and has gotten more spontaneous through all of this. Might be a silver lining...But im also worried my husband thinks that if we have more sex ill drop the subject of opening up. Thats not what i want. Even if I agree to no V, i ultimately want to open the marriage.

I don't get the vibe that you have put that plain on the table.

I could be wrong but it's like it's all "hinting" from the side that you both know it, but nobody says it out loud.

Have you said it plain like "I'd like to open the marriage. I'm interested in dating V. If V is too messy for you because V is an ex FWB and you prefer no exes, even if I agree to that, I still want to open the marriage."

Have you?

If you are trying to do prep work to eventually lead to open marriage, you both agree this is what you are doing right? Not just hypothetical? But actual prep work?

Could ask for what you need more direct and clear.

I think it is fair to set a check in time. Esp if he gets to pick it. You aren't a mind reader.

Maybe something like

""Husband, you know I ultimately want to open the marriage right? I need reassurance that this is just normal taking time to digest and not like foot dragging. I don't want to pressure you, but I do want reasonable, regular check ins. I didn't think that in three months time we'd be done with all the work and ready to just open the marriage... but I did think we'd have finished reading these books in 3 mos. I also hoped we'd set a time for more practical discussions on a regular basis.
When could be a good time to check in and set some regular appointments to talk about what we read and some practical discussion?"

I don't know if this article helps you any.


I think it is fine to talk your time talking. Def good to do the prep work and consider and not just jump in willy nilly.

But again... you aren't a mind reader. Neither is he.

And if your need is regular talks? Ask for what you need plain.

Galagirl
 
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Thanks for the reply :)

I am aware but appreciate the reminder to allow him to own HIS stuff. My nerves are saying he's not doing HIS stuff ... But I could be totally wrong. He might be taking his time and doing a lot of work. This is really one big reason I think we need to check in. I'm going to get over my fear of being 'naggy' and ask for a check in.

I briefly looked over the attachment and think it will be very useful. It was nice to see "foot dragging" bullets...it is reassuring to know this isnt a unique thing.

Your suggestion for what to say/how to approach him was nice and got to the point without feeling pushy. I think the most helpful thing you suggested was to let him pick the time to discuss things though. It will make him feel empowered and in the drivers seat. That is a good suggestion!
 
Glad it helps some.

My nerves are saying he's not doing HIS stuff ... But I could be totally wrong. He might be taking his time and doing a lot of work.

Glad you see that. Your nerves or anxiety or whatever it is? That's your emotions. You don't know what he's actually doing without asking him.

This is really one big reason I think we need to check in. I'm going to get over my fear of being 'naggy' and ask for a check in.

Maybe that's your area to work on then while he works on his insecurity?

Dealing with your emotional management and thinking.

Cuz if you think he isn't doing the work without asking? It's letting your nerves/anxiety being in the driver seat.

If you don't ask direct for what you need from fear of seeming naggy? You are letting your fear be in the driver seat.

You are not your thoughts or your feelings. You are a PERSON who sometimes does some thinking, and sometimes experiences emotions.

How about YOU be in the driver's seat instead of anxiety or fear?

Galagirl
 
Hello dryicex3,

I think the best thing you can do at this time is to ask your husband to pick a day and time when you and he will talk about where you are on the opening marriage thing, and about what (if anything) needs to happen in order to move (or keep moving) the process forward. It will help if your husband feels like he has some control over part of the process.

When the day and time he picks arrives, you may want (for one thing) to talk to him about how he feels about you dating men (not just women). Point out that his current reservation constitutes an OPP, and is somewhat dysfunctional. Ask him what he thinks he can do to start moving past that.

Schedule the talk to last no longer than one hour, so that neither of you gets overwhelmed. Include in the talk a query about when the two of you can discuss these things again. This, too, let your husband control this part of the process.

You just need a way to confirm that things haven't dragged to a halt. You don't know what work your husband is or isn't doing to move things forward. Having a scheduled talk about it will help.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Like there's not much more for me to do until he comes to me...for support or with questions or ready to talk. Is there anything left that i can do? How can i support him?

My read on your situation may be off, but It sounds like you guys are pussyfooting around each other, trying not to hurt each others feelings. I get that it seems like the "nice" thing to do, but it also sets up misunderstandings and resentment. If you really don't care and are perfectly happy to wait around for your husband for an indeterminate period of time (up to and including the rest of your life), then don't hassle him about it and leave it alone. If the reality is that you are already at the station and you're holding your non-monogamy ticket, stop addressing the situation like he has all the time in the world and limitless leeway.

If you were just cool with waiting around indefinitely I don't think you'd be here asking us how to get your husband to hurry the hell up. So what I want you to do is dig deep and be brutally honest. Up until this point no damage has been done, but the problems that can come from leaving things unsaid can cut right to the bone and be very difficult to recover from.

Sidenote: my sex life with my husband was never bad or boring, we have a libido imbalance but the sex has gotten more frequent and has gotten more spontaneous through all of this. Might be a silver lining...But im also worried my husband thinks that if we have more sex ill drop the subject of opening up. Thats not what i want. Even if I agree to no V, i ultimately want to open the marriage.

It is common to link the desire to build a relationship with a new person, because the relationship with the old person is shit. If this is the case, then the relationship with the old person needs to be adjusted/dissolved, the solution is not to inject a new person into the problem.

It doesn't sound like you are trying to inject a new person into the fold to try to somehow fix your current relationship, but this "if I'm getting plenty of D from my husband, it may appear that I don't need D from someone else" fallacy can cause confusion. I recommend moving away from allowing this kind of insecurity game playing into the mix.

While it doesn't work for everyone (so I'm told), my personal approach is to frame my relationships as being entirely independent of one another. Granted, all of our life events impact how are relationships play out, but I do not build in the misunderstanding that my association with X is somehow reliant/linked to my relationship with Y.
 
I'm really appreciating everyones replies. No ones really telling me anything I didnt know, but being blunt about some of this is actually helping me.

I agree that leaving things unsaid can end up causing damage. Im not really the kind of person who is able to do that anyway. i'm going to stop worrying and just say my piece as gently as i can while still asserting my needs.

Thanks again :)
 
Hello dryicex3,

I think the best thing you can do at this time is to ask your husband to pick a day and time when you and he will talk about where you are on the opening marriage thing, and about what (if anything) needs to happen in order to move (or keep moving) the process forward. It will help if your husband feels like he has some control over part of the process.

When the day and time he picks arrives, you may want (for one thing) to talk to him about how he feels about you dating men (not just women). Point out that his current reservation constitutes an OPP, and is somewhat dysfunctional. Ask him what he thinks he can do to start moving past that.

Schedule the talk to last no longer than one hour, so that neither of you gets overwhelmed. Include in the talk a query about when the two of you can discuss these things again. This, too, let your husband control this part of the process.

You just need a way to confirm that things haven't dragged to a halt. You don't know what work your husband is or isn't doing to move things forward. Having a scheduled talk about it will help.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
This is all very constructive! I was worried that posting here wouldnt be helpful or I'd regret sharing so much detail about my personal life, but the focus on helping me move forward is so amazing.

Thank you!
 
You have said you didn’t want him to rushed or to feel pressured. COULD that have set the wrong expectation ?

Is it possible it could be a bit of both foot dragging and pre mourning the loss of his marriage. The more he reads and learns the more dreads the complexity and change ?
 
i'm going to stop worrying and just say my piece as gently as i can while still asserting my needs.

I think that is a blueprint for building the potential for flourishing. Relationships can get messy and feelings can be hurt when a pair aren't lining up perfectly, but putting our shoulder into being constructive like this gives us the best possibility of a healthy outcome.
 
Is it possible it could be a bit of both foot dragging and pre mourning the loss of his marriage. The more he reads and learns the more dreads the complexity and change ?


Either that or quite possibly he's more comfortable with Theorycrafting™, rather than actually doing. In essence, more comfortable with the philosophical discussions of poly, rather than the actual practice of it.
 
Either that or quite possibly he's more comfortable with Theorycrafting™, rather than actually doing. In essence, more comfortable with the philosophical discussions of poly, rather than the actual practice of it.


I think that’s a real serous possibility. I’d Definitely make that a topic for discussion which could be nonthreatening.
 
Either that or quite possibly he's more comfortable with Theorycrafting™, rather than actually doing. In essence, more comfortable with the philosophical discussions of poly, rather than the actual practice of it.
I think he's definitely more comfortable with the philosophy. There is a lot to unlearn and even when you believe in the philosophy, it doesn't mean you won't feel all of the feelings that society has deemed correct for you to feel (insecurity, jealousy, envy, etc) in monogomy. Something for us to consider.


I think I'm going to stop replying to this thread until at least we sit down to talk though. I dont think me spinning my wheels and rehashing this is helping me anymore. Without inputs from him, its meaningless overthinking.

Thanks again for everyone who took a look and offered any insight or advice!
 
I think he's definitely more comfortable with the philosophy. There is a lot to unlearn and even when you believe in the philosophy, it doesn't mean you won't feel all of the feelings that society has deemed correct for you to feel (insecurity, jealousy, envy, etc) in monogomy. Something for us to consider.


I think I'm going to stop replying to this thread until at least we sit down to talk though. I dont think me spinning my wheels and rehashing this is helping me anymore. Without inputs from him, its meaningless overthinking.

Thanks again for everyone who took a look and offered any insight or advice!


it is definitely a lot to take in. My only other advise is to communicate, communicate, communicate, and when all else fails, communicate.

I wish you both peace and good luck in your journey.
 
I think I'm going to stop replying to this thread until at least we sit down to talk though. I dont think me spinning my wheels and rehashing this is helping me anymore. Without inputs from him, its meaningless overthinking.
Well, for anyone who's interested, I have some updates and inputs from the husband! I asked directly for time to communicate & the husband and I have had multiple unscheduled casual chats and multiple scheduled constructive book-club-esque conversations about Opening up by Tristan Taormino. We were trying to do small sections weekly. In theory, this should have been fine, but we have had to do a lot of rescheduling because life happens. I'm happier going slow due to rescheduling a ton... but knowing that the chats aren't being put off indefinitely!

I personally feel like our casual chats are doing the heavy lifting as far as progressing us toward opening our relationship & I'd like to know if anyone else has felt this way?

When we talk about feelings or newly arising troubles organically, we focus a lot on the now. We talk about definites. We naturally spend our energy making sure we are clearly expressing ourselves & making sure there are no miscommunications. We address eachothers' worries and reassure eachother. We normally both come away from these convos with a good sense of security and a deeper understanding of what the other is feeling. These are nice.

When we get to our scheduled talks about Opening Up, or about the mysterious future of our relationship, we don't do as well. We agree on a lot of theory. We agree on fundamentals of what we want out of this (polyamory rather than a swinging/enm open marriage). But there are a lot of what ifs, some catastrophizing, and admission of fears that really can't be quelled by reassurance because they are fears about a hypothetical (what if you want children with another partner someday? what if one of us never finds another partner? what if you want another primary and I cant handle that? etc)...Both of us do this, but my husband is justifiably having a harder time.

I say that its justifiable because as we have these chats, everything is theoretical...but he knows of my feelings for V. So when we address the timeline for dates or physical intimacy, or when we talk about our marriage and how it would fit in a hierarchy, I only think of theoretical relationships, but he jumps directly into the idea of me seeing V. Me dating V. Me having intimacy with V. Etc.

This tends to overwhelm him. He gets flooded with emotions and has a hard time communicating. He gets stuck in thought loops that torture him. When this happens, I try to focus on my husband and I, and our marriage. I assert that my feelings for him are not altered by my feelings for V. I try to reassure him in any way that I can. He really takes comfort in hugs so I try to console him in that way. I also have offered to take a future relationship with V off the table for the foreseeable future, but then he gets down about not wanting to control me or keep me from something that I would get happiness out of. I've offered limiting my contact with V, but again, he doesn't feel this would help.

These talks end up in a similar place every time. They get cut short because he is overwhelmed and wants time to work on things on his own. He shuts down in the middle (or the very begining) of a conversation. He wants to sort through things rather than react. He feels hurt and although he doesnt think I am hurting him directly, he feels like it is unfair that he is faced with all of this personal work on insecurities, and I am not. (I have faced a lot of this personal work previously and struggle with very different aspects of opening the relationship. I am secure in my feelings for him/his for me and our marriage and our ability to work through tough things. Most of my struggle is guilt based. He asserts that he is not feeling coerced into this, but I feel guilty for bringing polyamory up and I struggle watching him get upset by it.) I appreciate that he wants to address these personal matters and do the work, but it feels like he wont talk to me when he is having trouble or working on himself and it feels like he doesn't acknowledge the different ways in which I am struggling.

He has actually admitted that one thing that makes him feel better is when I bring up different things that are making me feel badly, especially if I get visibly or outwardly upset. He gets really troubled by the fact that seeing me cry makes him feel better, but it reassures him that he isnt alone in his struggles. He feels like until I cry, I am just totally okay with all of the tough things we talk about even if I verbally assert otherwise. He says he believes me and trusts what I am saying, but he doesn't internalize it until he sees it. My excitement about the possibility of an open future relationship grates on him I think but I dont want to (and wont) stifle my excitement or happy emotions just because he does not enjoy it. I dont rub it in or anything excessive. Some of my happy assertions culminate around being excited for him to make connections. I want him to have someone else he can share with and have intamicy with even if its just a deep friendship. His friendships aren't very emotionally supportive. He keeps friends at a distance.

TLDR; My husband and I are communicating about opening our relationship to polyamory. We both are putting in effort. I'm much more satisfied with the pace of this work than in my previous post, but we are having a rough go.

Has anyone experienced scheduled/heavily agenda-ed talks to be deconstructive? and casual talks to be really productive?

How have you dealt with thought loops or catastrophizing?

We know that opening up with someone "in the wings" is not advised, but has anyone done this successfully? What are some tips to deal with this?



We have discussed going to a counselor. I think maybe this is our next step.

Thanks for any thoughts or advice more experienced people might have! Or anyone who's trying to open up or has previously who can relate to any of this!
 
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It is not unusual for couples to take a year or more to prepare.

I also have offered to take a future relationship with V off the table for the foreseeable future, but then he gets down about not wanting to control me or keep me from something that I would get happiness out of. I've offered limiting my contact with V, but again, he doesn't feel this would help.

Why not just DO IT? Rather than "offer" and make DH be like the "gatekeeper" or something? Esp when he's sometimes overwhelmed with his own jobs in this process... Why's he also got to make your calls for you?

You wouldn't offer to do stuff you aren't really prepared to do, right? So just make the call and take any V stuff off the table.
Then see if the talks or your guilt get better.

Sounds nitpicky but could stop using "feel" interchangeably for "think." And leave it out when it's not even needed.
Could learn to put things in order.

You observe/experience something.
You think or do some action behavior.
Then some feelings ensue.
If you want new feelings to ensue? Change the thinking or action behavior.

Look how this stuff changes then.

These talks end up in a similar place every time. They get cut short because he is overwhelmed and wants time to work on things on his own. He shuts down in the middle (or the very begining) of a conversation. He wants to sort through things rather than react.

Observation or experience: Talks about opening up lead to DH experiencing emotional flooding.

His thinking behavior: He wants to sort things through rather than just react.

New Action Behavior: He cuts the conversation short to take the pause and take the time to work on things on his own.

Feelings (for him): Presumably feeling better for honoring his own self and taking the time out rather than keep pot on the burner.

He IS doing work. Just at HIS pace.

He asserts that he is not feeling coerced into this, but I feel guilty for bringing polyamory up and I struggle watching him get upset by it.) I appreciate that he wants to address these personal matters and do the work, but it feels like he wont talk to me when he is having trouble or working on himself and it feels like he doesn't acknowledge the different ways in which I am struggling.

Observation or experience: You struggle watching him get upset by having to process and work on himself.

His thinking or action behavior: He asserts that he is not feeling coerced into this.

Your thinking or action behavior: Even though he told you otherwise, you think "I am responsible for all this turmoil."

Feelings that ensue: You feel guilty.

When you are NOT responsible. He agreed to go there. He could have just told you "Nope, not willing to consider."

Maybe you also have guilt you have V kinda in the wings? If so, you deciding to just take V off the table may help solve some of that. And/or let go of thinking you are responsible for DH's feelings.

He feels hurt and although he doesnt think I am hurting him directly, he feels THINKS it is unfair that he is faced with all of this personal work on insecurities, and I am not.

Well.... it is what it is. He thinks it is unfair. His expectation is not realistic -- that everything be "even."

Because you two will each have your own experience of it, your own perspective of it. You are not carbon copies of each other. You each have your skills, strengths, weaknesses. It will be his job to fix his expectations so they are more realistic.

Plus, you do have your own struggles. Just not that same as his and not always visible to him.

I appreciate that he wants to address these personal matters and do the work, but it feels like he wont talk to me when he is having trouble or working on himself

This sounds like you tangled up in his stuff.

Why do you want him to talk to you when he's having trouble? Esp when what he needs is some time/space to work on stuff on his own first? So when it IS time to talk to you, his thoughts in are good order?

Is your expectation realistic here?

it feels like he doesn't acknowledge the different ways in which I am struggling.

Here comes that word again... "feel." If you observe that he doesn't acknowledge?

If you need him to do that behavior? Have you actually ASKED him to acknowledge the different ways you struggle?

When we get to our scheduled talks about Opening Up, or about the mysterious future of our relationship, we don't do as well. We agree on a lot of theory. We agree on fundamentals of what we want out of this (polyamory rather than a swinging/enm open marriage). But there are a lot of what ifs, some catastrophizing, and admission of fears that really can't be quelled by reassurance because they are fears about a hypothetical (what if you want children with another partner someday? what if one of us never finds another partner? what if you want another primary and I cant handle that? etc)...Both of us do this, but my husband is justifiably having a harder time.

Honestly it all sounds normal enough. You JUST started talking. You may not be able to see it, but you are doing well.

You both won't cover EVERY little thing. What you both can do is hit most of the major points, make agreements around healthy conflict resolution, and name the dealbreakers. Along with agreeing on how to break up decently if it ever comes down to that. Because you are responsible for your own emergency preparedness.

Then move on to poly dating when ready.

Because really all this stuff? To me leads to the blue.
  • What if you want children with another partner someday? (And I don't want that and it's a dealbreaker?) We part ways decently then.
  • What if one of us never finds another partner? (And I'm left doing all this work for less of your time and attention and end up not loving polyshipping but you do and its a dealbreaker?) We part ways decently then.
  • What if you want another primary and I cant handle that despite trying and it is a dealbreaker? We part ways decently then.
When there is a plan already in place to part ways decently? Those other things become less scary and less difficult. No, not what either one wants to have happen. But there's the emergency plan already in place.

A LOT of this revolves around you and DH doing the work of detangling. Are you able to see that?

We have discussed going to a counselor. I think maybe this is our next step.

I think that is a good choice. Could bring up help with detangling so each one is in charge of their own emotional management.

I commend you both for trying to do the prep work ahead of time and not just jumping in all willy-nilly.

Painful as some of it might feel right now? I think it's worth the investment to become more healthy in yourselves and in your shared foundation.

It's a better place to open up from that some of the stories that I read here.

Galagirl
 
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Recently I was talking with another member going through a difficult time dealing with his wife’s NRE and he said he felt “ better “ / more empowered by making some bold changes. To feel better and nail down some of the down sides he was planning to have a lawyer draft something like a separation agreement and also something similar to a postnup / escape clause. This wasn’t going to be done in an adversarial way more of a detangling / feeling in control of some of the what if’s .

AND maybe having these things spelled out and the consequences spelled out everyone can relax and move forward.

I haven’t reread this thread it just came up as one I had posted on and i remember the general issue of trying to get OP’s husband on board . The plan and hope is the “ work “ hes doing on himself will convince him this is a good relationship model to be in. What’s your plan if he discovers doing all this work for less time and attention , etc isn’t worth it. That feels like settling to him . It doesn’t sound like he likes the idea of you settling for him it makes him feel guilty. Maybe that’s a conversation that needs to happen.
 
Hi dryicex3,

It seems to me that your formal (scheduled) talks are helping to lay the foundation for your more casual chats. Both kinds of communication are probably needed for you to keep moving forward. Whatever the mechanics are, I am glad to hear that you are making progress.

If you really feel that the formal talks are pushing you backwards (mostly because your husband gets stuck on V), it is okay to at least put those on hold. The worst that could happen is you could find out you really need them, and you could adjust your strategy accordingly.

My Vee was born of opening up with someone (namely me) in the wings. I'm not sure what specifically helped, I do know that Snowbunny (who is now the hinge of our Vee) had to talk to her husband about poly for about a year, before he could finally say yes to it.

Going to a counselor sounds like a good idea.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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