I do not know the point of this other than i need someone to talk to/ i need to talk this out to get my own head straight and my best friend is currently dealing with things bigger than this and has heard enough of my endless musings. Its probably going to be a rant rather than a question.
My situation:
I am happily married. My husband is the best partner you could ever ask for and although he and i are very different people, we get along beautifully, work together, support each other and respect eachother.
For the entirety of our marriage (and plenty of time before it) he has known that i am bisexual. (Probably more pan but bisexual is how i identify because that was the word we had back when i was exploring). Surrounding that, we had talked many times about how I was unsure that i had fully explored my sexuality, and we had talks about how, regardless of sexual orientation and the physicalities of sexual intercourse, it seems rather naive to think one person will fulfill the needs of another forever. We have had talks about how there are shifts in needs over time, whether it be sexual needs, emotional needs, intellectual needs, etc. We are both children of divorce following cheating or accusations of cheating and agreed that if the other was feeling as if their needs were not being met or could not be met for external reasons by eachother, then it is permissible to have them met by another person, as long as it was consensual and no deceit was taking place.
My husband is also very aware that when i was younger i maintained many relationships at a time unless i was giving that up for someone who required monogomy.
Monogamy, for me, was a concession.
Our relationship had this built into the foundation, but i think my husband assumed that if this came up in any way other than hypothetical, it would be so that i could explore my attraction to women or nonmales. In some way, for some reason, this does not seem to threaten him. This, I know, has homophobia and toxic masculinity written all over it. He has acknowledged that is something he would work on and assured me that he believes I am bisexual and that lgbt relationships are valid. He doesnt compare himself to people of other genders, however, and his insecurities start with comparisons.
Fast forward to the recent past, where I have gone through some life events that have made me 1) examine the way i am using my time on earth and 2) aware of some suppressed emotions. I often like to intellectually examine my emotions, then validate or dismiss them, rather than feel them or allow myself to be encompassed by them. But after these life events, I am really feeling my emotions and allowing them a place in my life.
Over the course of some months, I have come to realize that I have feelings for a male friend(V). At first I thought it was just me picking up on signals from them. I told my husband this and he laughed about how obvious it was that V "liked" me. My husband said he trusted that V had my best interests in mind and wasnt trying to "steal" me away(We were fwb in the past.) I did not think it was obvious that he liked me (another friend also said it was so i guess im oblivious)and i carried on just feeling better that i had disclosed my observations to my husband. We continued our friendship and i told V about what vibes or signals i had picked up on. He acknowledged it, and said there would always be something there but he respected my marriage. A few weeks pass and I barely thought about this.
I'm not totally sure what came first but two things happened...my husband and I talked about an open relationship in his past and what went wrong/what he considered cheating...and I suggested we read some material and see if we can open our marriage.
I told him I'd like to casually date some nonmales, and that i would like a partner to fulfil some roles/power dynamics he isnt comfortable with. Neither of these things were news. My husband had some apprehension as things were getting less hypothetical, but was very receptive and willing to read. He had no immediate reaction that made me think he was closed to the idea. (We started with opening up, and then ethical slut). I finished both books quickly and moved to forums and looking for online resources and podcasts...and he dragged his feet.
Time passed again. My husband and I went away together on a romantic trip where we really connected and one night while we were drinking, the boundaries in his past relationship came up again and he provided that he thinks he wouldnt mind me doing things/having other partners...he only thinks who matters. Who it would be could bother him. But he couldnt articulate what he meant by that. I brought up some examples of people we knew, and some abstract examples about what would be okay with strangers, etc. The only pushback i got was V. I didn't know why at the time, but this bothered me. The fact that it touched a nerve upset my husband. We spent some time reassuring eachother and getting eachother onboard with what to do to move forward... we had some miscommunications that we cleared and the next day my husband read multiple chapters in Opening Up.
During this time I tried not to nag him to talk or read more. I'd mention the books or something but I wouldnt harp on him to talk or rush into things. I dont want to rush it or for him to feel pressured. But, over time I realized that I was feeling not only physical attraction but emotional intimacy with V. That explained why i had such an instant reaction initially. I told my husband about my emotional feelings for V and he was unphased. He said he understands that we have a connection and that he trusts that i won't do anything to hurt him so he was effectively unbothered. I continued to see V on a regular basis sometimes with and sometimes without my husband and it really was fine. My husband doesn't even have any issue with me seeing V unannounced.
That's where I am now. I am hoping my husband continues to read and talk to me. I would feel like i was dragging him over coals if i have to keep asking him to read... He has said he likes the readings and it feels like free therapy but hes struggling with facing insecurities. I just feel stuck though...Like there's not much more for me to do until he comes to me...for support or with questions or ready to talk. Is there anything left that i can do? How can i support him?
Sidenote: my sex life with my husband was never bad or boring, we have a libido imbalance but the sex has gotten more frequent and has gotten more spontaneous through all of this. Might be a silver lining...But im also worried my husband thinks that if we have more sex ill drop the subject of opening up. Thats not what i want. Even if I agree to no V, i ultimately want to open the marriage.
So long. Probably details no one needs. Enough detail to make me nervous about posting. Thanks for caring if you made it the whole way through!
My situation:
I am happily married. My husband is the best partner you could ever ask for and although he and i are very different people, we get along beautifully, work together, support each other and respect eachother.
For the entirety of our marriage (and plenty of time before it) he has known that i am bisexual. (Probably more pan but bisexual is how i identify because that was the word we had back when i was exploring). Surrounding that, we had talked many times about how I was unsure that i had fully explored my sexuality, and we had talks about how, regardless of sexual orientation and the physicalities of sexual intercourse, it seems rather naive to think one person will fulfill the needs of another forever. We have had talks about how there are shifts in needs over time, whether it be sexual needs, emotional needs, intellectual needs, etc. We are both children of divorce following cheating or accusations of cheating and agreed that if the other was feeling as if their needs were not being met or could not be met for external reasons by eachother, then it is permissible to have them met by another person, as long as it was consensual and no deceit was taking place.
My husband is also very aware that when i was younger i maintained many relationships at a time unless i was giving that up for someone who required monogomy.
Monogamy, for me, was a concession.
Our relationship had this built into the foundation, but i think my husband assumed that if this came up in any way other than hypothetical, it would be so that i could explore my attraction to women or nonmales. In some way, for some reason, this does not seem to threaten him. This, I know, has homophobia and toxic masculinity written all over it. He has acknowledged that is something he would work on and assured me that he believes I am bisexual and that lgbt relationships are valid. He doesnt compare himself to people of other genders, however, and his insecurities start with comparisons.
Fast forward to the recent past, where I have gone through some life events that have made me 1) examine the way i am using my time on earth and 2) aware of some suppressed emotions. I often like to intellectually examine my emotions, then validate or dismiss them, rather than feel them or allow myself to be encompassed by them. But after these life events, I am really feeling my emotions and allowing them a place in my life.
Over the course of some months, I have come to realize that I have feelings for a male friend(V). At first I thought it was just me picking up on signals from them. I told my husband this and he laughed about how obvious it was that V "liked" me. My husband said he trusted that V had my best interests in mind and wasnt trying to "steal" me away(We were fwb in the past.) I did not think it was obvious that he liked me (another friend also said it was so i guess im oblivious)and i carried on just feeling better that i had disclosed my observations to my husband. We continued our friendship and i told V about what vibes or signals i had picked up on. He acknowledged it, and said there would always be something there but he respected my marriage. A few weeks pass and I barely thought about this.
I'm not totally sure what came first but two things happened...my husband and I talked about an open relationship in his past and what went wrong/what he considered cheating...and I suggested we read some material and see if we can open our marriage.
I told him I'd like to casually date some nonmales, and that i would like a partner to fulfil some roles/power dynamics he isnt comfortable with. Neither of these things were news. My husband had some apprehension as things were getting less hypothetical, but was very receptive and willing to read. He had no immediate reaction that made me think he was closed to the idea. (We started with opening up, and then ethical slut). I finished both books quickly and moved to forums and looking for online resources and podcasts...and he dragged his feet.
Time passed again. My husband and I went away together on a romantic trip where we really connected and one night while we were drinking, the boundaries in his past relationship came up again and he provided that he thinks he wouldnt mind me doing things/having other partners...he only thinks who matters. Who it would be could bother him. But he couldnt articulate what he meant by that. I brought up some examples of people we knew, and some abstract examples about what would be okay with strangers, etc. The only pushback i got was V. I didn't know why at the time, but this bothered me. The fact that it touched a nerve upset my husband. We spent some time reassuring eachother and getting eachother onboard with what to do to move forward... we had some miscommunications that we cleared and the next day my husband read multiple chapters in Opening Up.
During this time I tried not to nag him to talk or read more. I'd mention the books or something but I wouldnt harp on him to talk or rush into things. I dont want to rush it or for him to feel pressured. But, over time I realized that I was feeling not only physical attraction but emotional intimacy with V. That explained why i had such an instant reaction initially. I told my husband about my emotional feelings for V and he was unphased. He said he understands that we have a connection and that he trusts that i won't do anything to hurt him so he was effectively unbothered. I continued to see V on a regular basis sometimes with and sometimes without my husband and it really was fine. My husband doesn't even have any issue with me seeing V unannounced.
That's where I am now. I am hoping my husband continues to read and talk to me. I would feel like i was dragging him over coals if i have to keep asking him to read... He has said he likes the readings and it feels like free therapy but hes struggling with facing insecurities. I just feel stuck though...Like there's not much more for me to do until he comes to me...for support or with questions or ready to talk. Is there anything left that i can do? How can i support him?
Sidenote: my sex life with my husband was never bad or boring, we have a libido imbalance but the sex has gotten more frequent and has gotten more spontaneous through all of this. Might be a silver lining...But im also worried my husband thinks that if we have more sex ill drop the subject of opening up. Thats not what i want. Even if I agree to no V, i ultimately want to open the marriage.
So long. Probably details no one needs. Enough detail to make me nervous about posting. Thanks for caring if you made it the whole way through!
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