Not sure what to do.

M

MightBeNormal

New member
Me(Wallie) - 42y Male, Wife(Kiri) - 43y Female, GF(Lily) - 42y Female, Daughter(Jolene) - 14y, Step Son(Nick) - 18y

This might be a long post and I don't feel good about how everything has gotten as far as it has.

I've known Kiri for 18y been a couple for 16 of them and married for 12. Around 7 years ago Kiri and I started swinging we played with a few couples during that time and Kiri ended up getting in a relationship with another female and dated for 2 years. We took her on vacations with us and sometimes with our daughter also. During this time Kiri was drinking heavily and I think it ended up blowing up her relationship with her GF. This was also a very tumultuous time in my and Kiri's life as there were lots of fighting about drinking.

About 4 years ago, I had started a relationship with a mutual friend that went sideways quickly do to my insecurities. I knew she wanted more of a mono relationship and as I'm married the relationship had a shelf life of until she meet someone she liked that could offer her a mono relationship. Knowing this was the case things ended quickly and sadly as we did have a great connection.

Shortly after that time Kiri got caught drinking on the Job as a nurse. She entered a rehab program and got into a program that allows her to still be a nurse but forces her to take random drug and alcohol tests. This was a big hit to our relationship I feel like I stayed more to keep things stable for Jolene than anything else. I love Kiri but feel taken advantage of. Mainly that I needed to keep everything running find money to pay a lawyer and pay for rehab when I had been trying to get her to stop or slow her drinking for years.

After a couple of months of funk I got out there again and started to date Lily that was about 3 years ago. When I first started talking to her she asked about my experience with poly and I told her about previous attempts me and my wife had tried over the years to have multiple relationships. She let me know she was solo poly and hadn't been with anyone in about a year. She also told me she desperately wanted to move to a warmer state.

We were together for around 6 months before she went out on a date with someone else. This is when my jealousy started making me a bit crazy. I started talking to a counselor and then got on medication. I stopped talking to the counselor after a few months due to cost. Lily's relationship didn't last long but my mind never calmed down. Lily's thoughts were that I shouldn't worry about stuff that isn't happening and might never happen and had turned off dating apps.

Kiri started looking for a relationship and agreed to take things slow as I was very leery of the situation. She ended up sleeping with the guy she was taking it slow with and lied to me that it was happening. I then left Kiri and moved in with Lily temporarily after 4 months I got an apartment in a city that my daughter wanted to go to school.

Jolene started doing better in school than she ever did at her old school. I started letting Kiri stay at my apartment while I was at Lily's so Jolene could make it easy for Jolene's school. After doing this for a few months Kiri and I decided to try to make things work. The sexual part of the relationship didn't really come back and still hasn't. I feel Lily had kind of pushed me to try to make things work with Kiri but it isn't anything like it was and to this day it's more of a friendship I love her and want good things for her I just don't see things ever being what it was.

A few months after moving out of Lily's she decided she was turning her dating apps back on. My anxiety kicked up and I was constantly worried about what was going on and decided I didn't want to continue the relationship. We never really stopped seeing each other though and officially got back together about 2 weeks later. Over these 3 years we have done so much travel.

1 - North Carolina (Everyone went Hiking and Gem Mining)
2 - Tampa (Lily, Kiri, Me and Jolene Swam with Manatees)
3 - West Virginia (Everyone White Water Rafting)
4 - Arizona (Everyone Grand Canyon)
5 - Pennsylvania(Everyone White Water Rafting)
6 - Georgia(Lily, Me and Nick Christmas with Lily's parents)
7 - Tennessee(Lily and Nick White Water Rafting)
8 - London(Lily and Nick Graduation Gift Play's)
9 - Salem(Kiri and Jolene Sightseeing and Lizzy Borden BnB)
10 - Belize(Lily and Me)
11 - Seattle(Lily and Me)
12 - Tennessee(Lily and Me)
13 - New York(Jolene and Me Beetlejuice on Broadway)
14 - Miami(Lily and Me)
15 - Atlantic City(Lily and Me)
16 - Reno(Kiri and Lily)

This isn't counting smaller day and weekend trips that we drove to or the local comedy shows and plays we have seen. It has been a great 3 years together but I don't want to be poly. As my counselor had asked me If you had a magic wand what would your life look like. If I could pick I would stay in the area I'm at and just be in a mono relationship with Lily.

I don't have a wand so what is on the table is Lily wants to move to a warmer / sunny state. I know I wouldn't move until Jolene was able to drive as she has after school activities that I need to help her get to. When I think of moving all I can imagine is being stuck in some place where I know no one and Lily is going on dates. Just so everyone knows I'm an introvert and Lily is an extrovert so it works out very nice when we travel. So do I give up seeing my daughters last couple of years in high school, a job that pays me low 6 figures but its good for were we live to be in a poly relationship with a woman I absolutely adore. Should I just end it knowing I won't be happy in a poly relationship. Wait as we never know what will happen (This is always Lily's thoughts on life). I like to plan everything out and know what is going to happen as I'm a mechanical engineer.

I'm tired of feeling trapped and miserable when I think about my life. It's great until I slow down and think. Every time I bring stuff up that things aren't going to work she tells me I knew she was poly when everything started. I just know I didn't know how it would make me feel and now that I do know It's like I should just be okay with it but I'm not.
 
I'm sorry you struggle.

I could be wrong in my impressions. But it sounds like you need to make firm decisions rather than all this "floating along."

Like...
  • You want to stay local to help finish raising Jolene to HS grad at least. That seems really important to you. So prioritize that.
  • Kiri? You two are broken up. NOT getting back together. Just decent coparents. Be clear about this.
  • Lily? She wants to move and you do not. She is poly and you no longer want that. If moving to somewhere warmer is non-negotiable?
    • End it NOW, and stop dragging it out with Lily.
    • Talk to Lily and she if she is willing to pause her dating apps and all that. Maybe you both want one last summer together. And then you both agree to break up peacefully on DATE when the summer is over. Then you each go your own separate ways.
Cuz being so "up in the air" is not any good for you. You like knowing what the plan is.

So it sounds like you could benefit from being more decisive. Like... take CHARGE of your life. YKWIM?

I'm tired of feeling trapped and miserable when I think about my life. It's great until I slow down and think. Every time I bring stuff up that things aren't going to work she tells me I knew she was poly when everything started.
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That part is bold is neither here not there. Yeah, you knew. So WHAT?

It kinda sounds like Lily just wanting to avoid having the conversation. Which leaves you unsatisfied because you like to plan ahead.

I think you could tell her point blank this doesn't work for you any more. And you would like to talk about breaking up now or planning one last summer together and breaking up at the end of the summer. Intentional decoupling rather than you doing polyamory that you don't really want to be doing indefinitely.

Galagirl
 
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GalaGirl said:
I'm sorry you struggle.

I could be wrong in my impressions. But it sounds like you need to make firm decisions rather than all this "floating along."

Like...
  • You want to stay local to help finish raising Jolene to HS grad at least. That seems really important to you. So prioritize that.
  • Kiri? You two are broken up. NOT getting back together. Just decent coparents. Be clear about this.
  • Lily? She wants to move and you do not. She is poly and you no longer want that. If moving to somewhere warmer is non-negotiable?
    • End it NOW, and stop dragging it out with Lily.
    • Talk to Lily and she if she is willing to pause her dating apps and all that. Maybe you both want one last summer together. And then you both agree to break up peacefully on DATE when the summer is over. Then you each go your own separate ways.
Cuz being so "up in the air" is not any good for you. You like knowing what the plan is.

So it sounds like you could benefit from being more decisive. Like... take CHARGE of your life. YKWIM?



That part is bold is neither here not there. Yeah, you knew. So WHAT?

It kinda sounds like Lily just wanting to avoid having the conversation. Which leaves you unsatisfied because you like to plan ahead.

I think you could tell her point blank this doesn't work for you any more. And you would like to talk about breaking up now or planning one last summer together and breaking up at the end of the summer. Intentional decoupling rather than you doing polyamory that you don't really want to be doing indefinitely.

Galagirl
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Thanks, for the Idea about Intentional decoupling, it's so hard to leave someone you love so much but looking at the big picture she gets what is important to her and I get to be the dad I want to be.
 
Glad that gives you another option -- intentional decoupling.

Love alone is not enough to make sustainable relationship. Many other compatibilities have to be there too.

So sometimes the last loving thing one does is to gently let go.

Galagirl
 
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Hello Wallie,

It sounds like you are having some struggles with jealousy. Here are a few links on the topic, in case even one of them might help:
You said you are not happy in poly, but is that mainly because of the jealousy?

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.
 
I am wondering about the unbearable jealousy too. Jealousy is fear of loss.

Some people with deep-seated abandonment issues have a great fear of further loss. Coupled with you having lived with an alcoholic for so long, i can't help but wonder if your parents were neglectful alcoholics.

I am envious of all your travel, but wonder a bit if you keep seeking new experiences as an escape, because your emotional life is so tense.
 
Magdlyn said:
I am wondering about the unbearable jealousy too. Jealousy is fear of loss.

Some people with deep-seated abandonment issues have a great fear of further loss. Coupled with you having lived with an alcoholic for so long, i can't help but wonder if your parents were neglectful alcoholics.

I am envious of all your travel, but wonder a bit if you keep seeking new experiences as an escape, because your emotional life is so tense.
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I never felt my childhood sucked but my mom was 15 when she had my sister and 17 when she had me. My dad was 18 and they stayed married for 9 years. Both parents drank but neither of them were abusive in any way. My mom got married 5 more times before I turned 21 and my dad never has had a serious relationship sense. I remember counting the houses I had lived in growing up and have lived in more places then I was years old when I was 20.

I know I always wanted to give my daughter a stable home but I feel like I've kind of failed her on that. Though I did make sure to set her and her mom up in the city she wanted to live in and now have to fix and sell the previous home in a conservative school district.

I don't know the exact cause of jealousy but I do feel like I could just live out my life like my dad is doing and skip the pain.
 
MightBeNormal said:
I never felt my childhood sucked but my mom was 15 when she had my sister and 17 when she had me. My dad was 18 and they stayed married for 9 years. Both parents drank but neither of them were abusive in any way. My mom got married 5 more times before I turned 21 and my dad never has had a serious relationship sense. I remember counting the houses I had lived in growing up and have lived in more places then I was years old when I was 20.

I know I always wanted to give my daughter a stable home but I feel like I've kind of failed her on that. Though I did make sure to set her and her mom up in the city she wanted to live in and now have to fix and sell the previous home in a conservative school district.

I don't know the exact cause of jealousy but I do feel like I could just live out my life like my dad is doing and skip the pain.
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Thanks for sharing that. I see how childhood issues and the coping skills you learned then could be affecting your adult choices. Have you had any counseling around this unstable childhood? You might still be playing out old outgrown scenarios and fears, which are blocking you from more security, success and fulfillment.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hello Wallie,

It sounds like you are having some struggles with jealousy. Here are a few links on the topic, in case even one of them might help:
You said you are not happy in poly, but is that mainly because of the jealousy?

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.
Click to expand...
Thanks for the resources I'll give them a read and see if anything clicks.
 
Magdlyn said:
Thanks for sharing that. I see how childhood issues and the coping skills you learned then could be affecting your adult choices. Have you had any counseling around this unstable childhood? You might still be playing out old outgrown scenarios and fears, which are blocking you from more security, success and fulfillment.
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I was in counseling for a while but I didn't feel it was helping. It was more like I was paying for a friend to listen to me. Money is somewhat tight with 2 house payments until I can sell the one I'm currently sticking money into to fix up.
 
Sounds to me like you were a caregiver to an alcoholic but also wanting a mutually fulfilling adult relationship with a partner. You can't always have one of those with an alcoholic.

The only reason that poly has got involved with this situation is because you didn't want to leave your alcoholic wife while you sought new, healthier relationships. That's why those new people being actively polyamorous is a problem. You're not poly. You're a monogamous person who thinks poly might give a convenient approach to your current problem.

Lily is a poly person who wants to be poly. That's why she wanted you to get back with your wife so you too, are actively poly.
 
I think I know what I want to ask for and am curious if it sounds out of line.

I plan to tell Kiri I don't want to spend the night in her bed anymore as I think it gives false hope to her that our relationship will become sexual again. I do love her and want to spend time there if she is okay with it but I don't have those feelings anymore.

As far as Lily goes I feel like my expectation would be that she spends roughly 5 nights a week with me. One of those days would be more of a family day where Kiri, Jolene and at some point her other partner if they want would be invited to diner and board games/cards. I feel like I would still have plenty of time with Kiri and Jolene should they want to spend it with me. As Lily works until 8pm 2 days during the week and 6pm Saturday and Sunday. I work 8-4.30 M-F so a couple of days after work and during the day on the weekends I'm free to spend my time with them.

If feel If Lily doesn't want to spend that much time with me that then the intentional decoupling that @GalaGirl suggested would be the next best option. Or if Lily wants we just go our separate ways then.
 
I plan to tell Kiri I don't want to spend the night in her bed anymore as I think it gives false hope to her that our relationship will become sexual again. I do love her and want to spend time there if she is okay with it but I don't have those feelings anymore.
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Wow. I'm surprised you two are sharing a bed.

Jolene started doing better in school than she ever did at her old school. I started letting Kiri stay at my apartment while I was at Lily's so Jolene could make it easy for Jolene's school. After doing this for a few months Kiri and I decided to try to make things work. The sexual part of the relationship didn't really come back and still hasn't.
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From this, I thought Kiri had her own place and was just spending the night when you were at Lily's for childcare reasons. How old is Jolene now? Does Kiri really need to be there?

Is Kiri living with you or has her own place and stays over a lot? Def break up with Kiri and stop sharing a bed.

As far as Lily goes I feel like my expectation would be that she spends roughly 5 nights a week with me.
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You can ask. For how long would this schedule be? Summer? Then change again in the fall when school starts?

If feel If Lily doesn't want to spend that much time with me that then the intentional decoupling that @GalaGirl suggested would be the next best option. Or if Lily wants we just go our separate ways then.
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Ask for what you need from each person.

GG
 
GalaGirl said:
From this, I thought Kiri had her own place and was just spending the night when you were at Lily's for childcare reasons. How old is Jolene now? Does Kiri really need to be there?

Is Kiri living with you or has her own place and stays over a lot? Def break up with Kiri and stop sharing a bed.
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In order to buy the house in the city that was preferred I had to give up my apartment to buy it. We also have a second home that is in the middle of renovations. When renovations are done we will sell Kiri's old house and hopefully get the new house in her name.

I have a couple of hard conversations coming up I'll let you know how it works out.
 
Haha I confess I am totally lost as to who has a house, who has an apartment, where, in which city, with whom, and where you want to have these family dinner/game nights.
 
Magdlyn said:
Haha I confess I am totally lost as to who has a house, who has an apartment, where, in which city, with whom, and where you want to have these family dinner/game nights.
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Lily - has a house, Nick currently lives there but he wants to move out.
Kiri - has a house, Jolene lives in this house.

My time is currently split between the 2 houses. Kiri and I also own a 2nd house that we need to sell.

We play games and have dinners at Lily's, my 2 fondue sets stay there lol.
 
So you (Nick?) do not have a house of your own, you go back and forth between the homes owned by the women. You co-own yet another house with Kiri and want to sell it. When it does sell, she's going to get a new house in her name. What happens to the house she's currently in? When do you get a house of your own, since you want to move out of Lily's house?
 
Magdlyn said:
So you (Nick?) do not have a house of your own, you go back and forth between the homes owned by the women. You co-own yet another house with Kiri and want to sell it. When it does sell, she's going to get a new house in her name. What happens to the house she's currently in? When do you get a house of your own, since you want to move out of Lily's house?
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Sorry, I know there is a lot going on and I'm not the greatest at explaining. I'm Wallie, Nick is Lily's Son.

When the house sells, the house Kiri currently lives in I hope to move from my name to hers. Depending on what Lily wants to do I'll either cohabitate with her and be there full time or buy a 1 bedroom condo near my work.
 
OK.

Kiri lives in a house that's in your name. You hope to get the title for that house switched to her name and she'll keep living in it.
There is a second house. It's in both your name and Kiri's name. It is or will be for sale soon.
You want to live with Lily in her house. But you're not sure you're welcome. If she agrees, you'll get your name on the title? If she doesn't agree, you'll buy a small condo.

Nick wants to be independent?
Jolene would rather live with your gf than with her mother Kiri (because of Kiri's alcoholism, I think.)

You often visit at Kiri's house, and share a bed with her (!), but you've just decided you're only co-parents and you will no longer share a bed, even though Kiri wants you to sleep with her.
 
Magdlyn said:
OK.

Kiri lives in a house that's in your name. You hope to get the title for that house switched to her name and she'll keep living in it.
There is a second house. It's in both your name and Kiri's name. It is or will be for sale soon.
You want to live with Lily in her house. But you're not sure you're welcome. If she agrees, you'll get your name on the title? If she doesn't agree, you'll buy a small condo.

Nick wants to be independent?
Jolene would rather live with your gf than with her mother Kiri (because of Kiri's alcoholism, I think.)

You often visit at Kiri's house, and share a bed with her (!), but you've just decided you're only co-parents and you will no longer share a bed, even though Kiri wants you to sleep with her.
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Almost,

My name wouldn't go on Lily's title It only would if we move to a warmer state and get a house together.

Nick wants to be independent but seems a ways off IMO.

Jolene is happy at Kiri's house and Kiri is currently sober.

and yes I do currently visit Kiri's house often and most likely still would to spend time with Jolene and Her but could just pick Jolene up if Kiri decides she wants me around less.
 
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