Now what? (Coming out)

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gort

New member
Forgive the essay. There's an actual question here. For the impatient, I've bolded it.

Fifteen years ago, I met a girl. We became best friends shortly thereafter.

It was not love at first sight. But I did fall in love with her. But by the time I told her, it was too late. She already had a boyfriend. She couldn't wait to tell me. She was so happy. She married him, too. I was her guest of honor.

I did tell her how I felt then, shortly after she got the boyfriend, before their marriage. That was a decade ago. He answer then was no. She wasn't in love with me.

I expected that we would drift apart, and that I would forget about her. I did not. We always maintained a friendship.

Then she moved practically next door. Hardly more than a block from me. And then things began to get interesting. We were still just friends, but we did to hang out together quite a lot.

Then... she got pregnant (by her husband), had a baby, and started breastfeeding. In front of me. And things got really interesting. That was about 18 months ago. I had never fallen out of love with her.

One day, a chance comment brought a whole new possibility. The kid was treating Mommy's boobs more as a toy than a food source just then. "You'd never let me to that, would you?" I said.

"Probably not." A pause. "But I can envision a scenario that would require careful negotiations with my husband."

Three days later I asked her if she'd really meant that, and if she loved me, too. This time the answer was more complicated, but boiled down to yes.

She wanted a year to think about it, though. And didn't want me to bring it up till then.

Well, it took only a couple months. She did ask her husband. He actually agreed easily. Of all things, he was happier about it than either of us.

So we went there.

Now things are complicated. Not between us so much, but between the world at large. She's the only girl I've ever loved. And likely will ever love. And we can be a couple... but not publicly. And that's eating me up.

In the intervening years, I've been pretty well asexual. Not really by choice. But there just WASN'T anybody who I was really able to fall in love with. And I think sex without love is pretty pointless. I didn't want that. People around me tend to think I'm gay (which isn't so bad anymore)... or... nevermind. Which is.

I want a public relationship. Badly. How to come out of the closet? Without ruining anybody's life or job in the process. Her job is the biggest concern. She works for the police (not as a cop, a secretary of sorts). Her coworkers tend to be conservative.

And then there's the child, whom I adore. She's still pre-verbal. How to behave? Not only am I new to poly, this is my first real relationship of any kind. I haven't have the faintest clue how to handle this.

Feeling lost. And confused. And I want for all the world for things to go well with her. I would not have ever considered a relationship of this kind if there was another way I could be with her. But I've had a too-long case of unrequited love. And a miraculous second chance. And it's not unrequited anymore.

Now what?
 
Being in the closet is bad for you on multiple levels. It hurts your self-esteem, it makes everything more complicated, it turns you into a liar, and it fills your life with unneeded stress. Wanting a relationship you can publicly acknowledge is perfectly normal and healthy.

But how to get there?

Well, how long have you been going out? It may make sense to wait at least a while, if you've just started, so that you two can feel more confident in the relationship before telling others about the (admittedly unusual) arrangement. Is she adamant about staying in the closet, or is she open to the idea of trying to figure out how to be out?

She may well get some flack at first, and no one can absolutely guarantee that there won't be worse consequences, like her being let go. But chances are good it will be fine. My gf eventually came out about her relationship with me to her supervisor and closest colleagues, and she works at a religious charity. Everyone was highly surprised, but they didn't give her a hard time about it.

If I were you, I would request that out-ness be the eventual goal, but I would tell her we could let it go at her pace. Like, start accompanying her and the hubs to public events, or go out with her alone, but keep it low-key and PDA-free around her coworkers and family. They'll get used to you as a good friend to her, and see that there's no wacky drama going on. When she's ready, and feels right about it, she can tell them and you can relax a little.

With close friends, now, that's another thing, I think out-ness is kinda mandatory there, otherwise you can never relax except when completely alone. I think it's ideal to be relaxed and not hide anything when just out and about in the world too, and if a coworker happens to be passing by and sees something, well, deal with it if he or she chooses to say something, but it's unlikely to happen unless you live in a small town.

As for the kid, there's truly nothing to worry about there. Since my gf had a baby I've done a fair bit of reading about kids and poly, including stories from people who were raised in poly households, and it seems that as long as everyone is sane and loving there are no negative effects whatsoever to being aware that Mommy loves Joe and Mommy loves Jay and Mommy loves her kids, too. It's just love. It's not like they're even gonna know about sex until way down the road.
 
I've loved her forever. I've been hanging out and being close friends even longer. Since high school. And we're all now in our 30s.

Kissing and the rest started about 7 weeks ago. I could have honestly said I didn't even kiss her before then.

She says that if the closet feels claustrophobic she can stand the air. BUT... she doesn't want to tell her sister, and DEFINITELY not her father. He doesn't want to tell his brother. I've already told my sister, but not my parents.

And if you can't tell the sibs, then how are you to tell the rest?

I've always considered her family to be my friends, too. His family I don't know as well, as I've only met them a couple times.

Coworkers is a HELL no, right at the moment. And I understand the worry. She's the only steady breadwinner. Hubby stays home and takes care of the kid. But truth to tell, he has a hard time getting and keeping a job. My own income is extremely limited.

She and I only two-thirds of the equation.

We've had one date, just me and her, at a restaurant where the staff all knew me. But not her. And definitely not about the complications.
 
Well, it's great to hear that she's open to the possibility of being out at some point. That's a big deal.

As for the job, it certainly seems rational for her to be concerned. I guess the question is, does she feel so concerned that random hand-holding on the street is off limits lest someone see (will probably be ok in the short term, will feel stifling in the long term), or is it just a matter of not making out with you at the annual station BBQ (a bit of a shame, but really not a problem)?

Many people are antsy about family at first, but realize in time that it's better to tell them than to either live waaaay in the back of the closet, or risk them eventually finding out accidentally. 7 weeks isn't that long. Sometimes you can't plan out all aspects of a relationship in advance. This may be one of those things that you need to just feel out as you go along. I know it must feel tough to be patient, but I would give it more time and see how it goes.

If you were already a big part of her life, then you don't need to worry that your presence will make anyone ask any questions, so that helps.

Think of it this way -- you've loved her in secret for years and years. Surely you can stand to love her in secret a little longer, now that you finally have her, while she figures out how to be out?

For context, my gf and I have been together for two years. I told my parents at 6 months in. She told her mom and sister after 6 months too, and her dad just a few months ago. Her husband's parents don't know because there's truly no reason for them to. I rarely see them. She's told some, but not all, of her coworkers by now. I was semi-out at my old job, but haven't yet told anyone at the new job I've been at for the last 9 months. I'm really not sure why I've been so nervous about it. But I have a pic of her and a pic of her baby up in my office, along with a pic of my bf and a pic of my parents.
 
Well. I'm not entirely sure. Usually our walks involve the baby stroller, which really takes both hands for one of us.

Walks often involve Family Music Time at the library on Saturdays. She used to work at the library. Her position with the police was actually considered a transfer. She's a city employee. Her mother retired from there, and her sister works there still. So I suppose she'd be paranoid about those.

Her husband actually takes the kid for the more romantic occasions. I appreciate that.

She's been just as scared as I've been. Probably still is.

Thank you so much for your good counsel. I will take things as they go.
 
Best of luck! I think there's every reason in the world to think that you guys will be just fine. :)
 
Take a breath, my friend. This is NRE talking, me thinks. Coming out is not all that is cracked up to be, in my opinion. It makes people rain on your parade, judge and wait for you all to implode. Yeah, overrated. When someone is in NRE, it can be really sad to see them become deflated because they have told someone that is less than sympathetic to their joy. Why not hold on to that for as long as possible, and just go to another area of town to hold hands in public?

I do get it. Don't get me wrong. You are in love, and you want to shout it from the mountain top. That feels awesome and is something that you should be able to do at some point. Maybe if you dated someone that is mono some time you can try that out. But this is different, very new, and needs treading lightly.

Take a look at the "coming out" threads here that can be found in a search. You might want to look at the "NRE" ones too. They might shed some light on some ideas for you.

Good luck. :)
 
redpepper said:
Coming out is not all that is cracked up to be, in my opinion. It makes people rain on your parade, judge and wait for you all to implode.
Click to expand...

I completely agree with this comment, Redpepper. Of the ppl who know our situation, the ones I have told have been ppl I trust and I know will not judge it, so my experience coming out to them has been relatively positive.

My partner BG has not been as fortunate, or had the support of those who do know. She told someone she admires and looks up to, and their response was they thought it was a bad idea. My other partner hasn't had a negative experience with those she has told, that I can recall.

But coming out isn't really important to me. I think that this is because I lived with DADT for so long, that I am used to secrets. For my partners it's a little more of a struggle, as they are civilians and have been out (about sexuality, but not about this, for professional reasons), so in a way, they feel closeted again.

I guess it's really up to the ppl in the relationship to handle it how they think appropriate. Whatever you choose, good luck to ya. :)
 
I think I'm going to need a SDR* for all the MLAs**. :p

I found NRE in the sticky. I think I know DADT already. But I have a feeling there are more where those came from.

I'm still following this thread, but I've got to go to bed now. Good night. And sincere thanks to all respondents.

*Secret Decoder Ring
**Multi-Letter Acronyms
 
Gort,

There are layers and layers of coming out. For instance, I am open about my non-monogamy with friends, but not with coworkers or family. I'm open with the world about my queerness, but that has gotten to the point (at least where I live and work) where being LBGT is often less threatening and non-traditional than ethical non-monogamy or poly. I may get to the point where I tell my parents, but that day is some time off. I'm still getting comfortable.

It's ok to take the time to get comfortable. Coming out, in all its layers, is a multi-stage process that takes lots of time. It is also not a process that one has to 'complete,' i.e., tell everyone everything all at once, in order to be healthy and productive. There's no coming-out trophy at the 'end.' (Although that would be awesome! I would want something glittery.)

I understand your girlfriend's reluctance, especially about her work situation. A police work environment is often a conservative one.

I suggest that you think about coming out as a process that will last the rest of your life (and it will, believe me) instead of an event that happens a few times and then you are done.
 
Thanks, Opal and everybody.

I'll give Us some time to figure out Us before having to deal with the world at large.

We took a huge risk in getting together. In being more than friends. I risked not being able to ever see her again in any capacity if this went badly. That would have been devastating. She risked a marriage with a man she loves. Even though he claims to have been born without the jealousy gene, one is never quite sure.

The Big Talk was by far one of the most terrifying things I've ever done. She and I cried a lot. Husband was serene. He tried to read the Rabbit Warren or whatever he dragged off the internet. We went way off script.

But it was clear we did love each other, and in the end it went fine. Damnit. If I knew just how hard it was to bug him I'd have done this earlier!

She would have never tried a secret affair. And I wouldn't have, either.

Some things are the same, and some things are different. The "I love yous" are new, and by far the best part of the deal. I can't claim that things are perfect, in as much as there is no such thing as a perfect relationship, and there are no perfect people. Logistics are a bit tough. I don't get to spend near as much time with her as I would like.

Still... no fights of significance, so far (knock on wood). And having her as a girlfriend is worlds better than living the Confirmed Bachelor life.
 
This is so sweet! You've landed on your feet, my friend. Yay for her non-jealous husband and finally requited love!
 
It's awesome that her husband is so chill. :) :)

Since, at least logistically (living situation, out-ness), you are in the role of the secondary partner for now, you may find some guidance in these essays: http://www.morethantwo.com/polyforsecondaries.html
 
gort said:
And if you can't tell the sibs, then how are you to tell the rest?
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Actually, it's usually much easier to tell your friends than your family, the basic reason being, you choose your friends, but you don't choose your family. Most unconventional, open-minded people choose friends who are also unconventional and open-minded. And if you tell your friends and they turn on you, then they weren't really your friends and you get to see their true colours. But you can't say that about family: they really are your family, regardless of what they think of you.
 
AnnabelMore said:
It's awesome that her husband is so chill. :) :)

Since, at least logistically (living situation, out-ness), you are in the role of the secondary partner for now, you may find some guidance in these essays: http://www.morethantwo.com/polyforsecondaries.html
Click to expand...

We actually discussed the word secondary. I don't like it. The whole primary/secondary structure kinda grates on me.

I'm important and respected in my own right. As I respect their relationship, I expect mine to be respected too.

And so help me god, if it were legal, I'd marry her too.

Changing the living situation is quite a ways in the future, if it's going to happen. And a walk of about a block and a half isn't exactly inconvenient.

Integration into the family will probably be a drawn-out process, dependent on a lot of things. It would happen some time after the outed-ness.
 
gort said:
We actually discussed the word secondary. I don't like it. The whole primary/secondary structure kinda grates on me. I'm important and respected in my own right. As I respect their relationship, I expect mine to be respected too. And so help me god, if it were legal I'd marry her too.
Click to expand...

We've had many discussions here about the term secondary. Many people do not like it; you're not alone. But the term isn't meant to describe depth of love or feelings or commitment. It's usually meant to convey who lives with whom, who shares finances, shares kids (biologically), shares childcare equally, who gets to go to the family functions or office work parties, who takes vacations with whom, who picks up the milk and toilet paper, who cooks, who calls the doctor when one of the kids is sick, etc. Quite often a secondary can become a second primary once NRE wears off and practical situations are dealt with.

Until you are more integrated into your love's family life, and out to at least a few people, you are technically a secondary.
 
Thanks for sharing this sweet story.

As for "coming out" in public, it sounds to me like the real issue is that you want the world to finally recognize that you are NOT gay or asexual. So I'm thinking it has more to do with you and your own issues, rather than your new unconventional relationship. It sounds like you've been uncomfortable with yourself for a long time and are finally finding yourself for the first time, and that's great!

But it doesn't mean that you need to pressure your girlfriend into going public immediately. With her work environment (which sounds like it overlaps your neighborhood/immediate living vicinity pretty closely), she has legitimate reasons to keep this in the closet.

I understand the urge to tell everyone that you're finally dating someone and in love. Maybe you could tell your own friends and family, but NOT people in your girlfriend's life (her friends and family), at least for now?

And please don't feel that your girlfriend's reluctance to go public is a sign that she lacks love for you. Focus on understanding that YOUR need to be public is about YOU.
 
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