NRE (New Relationship Energy) - Merged Threads, General Discussion

just for the record, i DO know it is possible to be independent and in a committed relationship, i just don't know that it is possible for me right now (given my current issues and work to do) to be in a relationship with Alex (given our history and dynamic) and get both my need for independence and her need for safety met. i do aspire to have that in my relationships someday though.
 
Good luck, at least you will know next time what kind of person you are willing to put work into with. This kind of mono person doesn't seem to work for you. It sounds like she would be better off with a mono man and you with someone who is poly.
 
i think you are right, rp. just for the record, sam, alex, and i are all queer females ;)
 
Best of luck. :) You're going to be just fine.
 
Hey all, just wanted to give an update in case anyone is curious. I attempted to break up with Alex last Tuesday, and we agreed on a trial separation. However, over the past week as we have been trying to figure out what that would look like and what we would be trying to accomplish, we have decided to keep trying to work things out. I have realized that it is true that there are some issues that I need to work on in myself - old issues around trust and shame especially - but that having a supportive partner that also pushes my buttons may help me more in that work than trying to do it on my own. Not to say that she and I will be able to stick it out indefinitely...who knows? But for now that is what is happening.

We built a fire one night and I sat gazing at the logs, thinking about Magdlyn's analogy of the long-burning, deeply hot glowing log and the quick burn fire made of kindling. I was thinking about how sad it would be if there were only one kind of fire. Each type has it own beauty and interesting qualities. The fire made of kindling is easy to know because it is so easy to start, but the deeply glowing log takes patience to get to, and often some tending as well.

An update on Sam also: we have been having playdates about once a week. Last week she visited a cross-country lover for about a week, and I wondered how it would be when she got back. The other person she was seeing ended up breaking up with her primary partner and now has much more time and freedom to be with Sam, and it sounds like she may even want a primary (possibly even mono) relationship with Sam. Sam and I had a fantastic heart-to-heart about this and she told me she was not interested in giving up what she and I have, and I was very relieved to hear that! It even sounded like perhaps having her other lover break up with her primary is taking somewhat of a toll on her and Sam's connection due to a different kind of dynamic and perhaps even added pressure.

This got me thinking about how interesting it is that it seems like poly relationships seek and often find a balance for awhile, and then changes in the structure of any one relationship has ripple effects in the other relationships. Of course, everything is impermanent and ever-changing, but it is interesting to see how things change, then balance is sought, sometimes obtained for awhile, and then something changes and shifts everything again.
 
beginninglove said:
... we have decided to keep trying to work things out. I have realized that it is true that there are some issues that I need to work on in myself ...
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And aren't there issues she needs to work on?

I'm happy that you've reached a place in which you are comfortable, but please be careful not to step into the role of "the fucked-up one with issues" in this relationship. Your needs, fears, insecurities, inhibitions, etc., are your own to work on, but don't look at Alex like the "together" one who is so supportive and has to wait for you to get your shit in order.

I do recall that she is prone to making passive-aggressive comments about what you want, which you internalize, thereby leaving you to feel shitty, and like you were a bad person for wanting your relationship with Sam. If I were you, I'd make it clear that you are not the only one who needs to do some work here. I'd ask Alex that she take a look at her role in the discomfort you've felt, and how hurtful that kind of judgment and anger can be, even if the remarks are made with a smile or disguised as poking fun. If she doesn't get a handle on her tendency to make little jabs at you (probably out of defensiveness), it will undermine your attempts at striving for self-awareness and balance.

You've acknowledged that you need to work on your communications skills, but you BOTH need to! You would do well to work toward developing enough trust to be able to express the hidden or most painful feelings you have. Are you going to try therapy or a counselor? If so, I think it would behoove you to go together, and for you to really speak up and not swallow it when she dishes nastiness out to you (I'm not saying she isn't also wonderful and loving and supportive and kind, but everyone has issues).
 
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you are totally right. i do have the tendency to feel like the "fucked up one", especially since i'm the one with the chaotic childhood, lack of models for successful relationships, etc and the one asking for change in our relationship. i also feel like i have been portrayed as the "difficult one" because of the changes i have asked for in the structure of our relationship (from mono to poly), and because she likes to tell me how our friends tell her they would never put up with it. so its easy for her to seem like the hero in this situation for even staying with me through this. thus, she feels very justified in making comments that put her in a martyr role, and me in a selfish one. because of this, i have also held off on talking too much about my feelings for sam because she has been really insistent that our relationship is "non-monogamous" as opposed to "polyamorous", meaning outside sex is okay, but love is not. i realize this is unrealistic in terms of my ongoing realtionship with sam, as i already have feelings for her even though i realize it is NRE and i feel like i have really gotten a handle on it as of late. is it wrong for me to not talk to alex about my feelings for sam? i am hoping that alex will come around on this issue with time, but i wonder if this type of withholding is really damaging?
 
Sooo... in what way is someone who cuts you down, portrays you as the bad guy, and won't allow space for you to express your authentic feelings a "supportive partner"?
 
Also, I feel I have to point this out -- you're deceiving her about the nature of your relationship by allowing her to believe you're emotionally monogamous when you're not, whether or not you've told Sam how you feel. Generally, basing a relationship on a lie for the sake of one partner's comfort doesn't resolve itself well. :(
 
thanks for asking the hard questions, annabel. you're right in that alex does mkae passive aggressive remarks and seems to get some kind of solace from hearing from her friends that she's a rock star for hanging in there through this. she also has been working hard and at a faster pace than i think she prefers, in order for us to be able to open up our relationship this way. so i do give her props for that. she also has been supportive of my work on myself and has tried to be patient with me as i figure out what that looks like. i don't know that we will be able to stick through it as i grow and change as a result of this work i need to do. alex is pretty insecure and easily threatened. she may decide that this is all too much.

i was thinking the other day about how love is not a commodity, it is something to be freely given and received and we all could benefit from learning to revel in it when it arises in our life. i suppose if we were all enlightened beings, we would all feel such a deep love for each other all the time, even strangers. but romantic love often triggers the need to control and possess, and i would like to learn how to transform that in myself. i have started to feel what transforming that feels like, as i feel i have already been doing that with sam.

i do need to talk to alex about my feelings for sam. i feel somewhat at a loss of what words to use (i hate the whole "i love her but i am not 'in love' with her" distinction, what does that really mean??) and i fear triggering alex when really i am happy with what i have with sam right now and at the moment i don't feel like i am pining for more. sometimes i do wish i had more freedom in how often and in what context i get to see her.

on a side note, i have been approached by some friends of ours who are a couple who want me to hook up with them. i definitely am attracted to both of them and really want to do this, but am also wary of throwing something else into the mix right now. i'm thinking i should probably hold off on this for a bit, but i'm wondering how to handle approaching alex about this eventually. i wonder if she will also feel frustrated that here is yet another thing to deal with on top of the sam situation. she has already expressed feelings of jealousy around my connection with one of the members of the couple, and i wonder if she will feel left out somehow by not being invited in on the action. i'm not sure she would be up for it even if she was, but i wonder if other folks have run into this situation? does this just sound like a horrible idea?
 
hmm, that is some super interesting feedback. i definitely have noticed that my body was more energized when i was convinced i would break up with her, and now i feel more anxious/tired. but i have been attributing it to just the hard work that comes with long-term relationships, thinking that we/i will come out on the other side of this eventually.

here's the other wrench in my confidence as of late: in the past month, both my mother and sister have been diagnosed with breast cancer. i went for a mammogram to get myself checked out, and as a result of microcalcifications they found they are asking me to come back for a biopsy. i am not terrified and i know i will be okay no matter what, but it has brought home how nice it is to have someone who i know cares, knows my family and cares about them too, and who i know will support me through whatever i end up needing to go through. that's not to say i don't have other people in my life who will support me, because i do. it just has given me another perspective to think about. i don't want to stay with alex out of fear of being alone, but how does one weigh the pros and cons without thinking about these things?
 
So sam just cancelled a playdate with me for the first time ever. Her long distance lover is coming into town spontaneously and sam feels like it would be disrespectful to keep her date with me since this woman is coming from so far away. I feel a little disappointed that she would cancel our date rather than tell the other person that she had a standing date and she should consider that when making her travel arrangements, but sam didn't choose that route and that's okay. It does hurt a little but it's the kind of hurt that makes me feel stronger somehow. Like hey, yes I can acknowledge that it hurts and I can roll with it too. I know I can't give sam my full attention while I'm still with alex, and even if alex and I break up I know that I would still need my space where sam is concerned. Sam wants more time and attention than I can give her and I get that. Still, my heart hurts. I notice that my impulse is to withdraw, end things with sam before she ends them with me, but i'm just trying to notice those feelings and not do anything reactive.
 
I just read through this whole post, Beginninglove, and I have one question for you:

If Alex broke up with you, would you be relieved?

If the answer is yes, you have to break up with her.

I hate to bring negative or harsh advice to the table when you are going through so much, but my reaction from your very first post in this thread was that the problem here is your relationship with Alex.

Not because Alex is controlling, but because you describe Sam as "super-hot and amazing and the sex with her is fantastic." And you don't say anything like that about Alex. Actually, you don't really describe any reasons why you like or love Alex, other than the familiarity and security of being with someone for 5 years.

Doesn't Alex deserve someone who think's SHE'S super-hot and amazing and great in bed?

I know you said you and Alex just aren't sexually compatible. I have heard of couples who have a healthy, primary relationship with each other despite not being totally sexually compatible, but that only works when both partners date other people and/or feel that sex is not all that important to themselves or their emotional bond.

Poly/mono relationships seem to work best when the poly one feels that her mono partner is just as awesome and wonderful and energizing as her other loves. In short, when she is still truly in love with her mono partner.

(Actually, that has to be true regardless of the mono/poly dynamic.)

It also sounds like Alex simply isn't comfortable with having a partner who is poly and/or dates other people. She's definitely tried to accept it, but she clearly resents you for it.

Hence, her comment accusing you of being a sex addict. (Your response, by the way, should have been to talk to Alex about how, in fact, you have started having real feelings for Sam, and that's why you want to see her so much. Not that I blame you at all for being unable to be honest about that. Alex sounds like a really difficult person to communicate with. I don't like, for example, how she uses her mono friends to get unhelpful advice which she then throws in your face).

Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say here is what a few others have said: when you were planning to leave Alex and wanted to enjoy being single, you sounded happy and energized, and that sounded like the right decision to me.

I confess I was disappointed to hear that you are trying to work things out with Alex--simply because it sounds like things can't be worked out. It sounds like you two are just unsuited to each other, and that you would both be happier with other people eventually.

But first, you're going to have to be willing to hurt both Alex and yourself by doing the hard thing and breaking up.

I'm really sorry. Especially with the breast cancer issue--I'm so terribly sorry.

I'm not sure you should stay with someone out of fear, though. And even without Alex, you will not be alone in whatever you have to go through--you will be able to find people who will support you, whether friends or lovers or family. (Regardless of what happens with Sam--I don't think the important issue here is Sam at all).

You sound like an amazing person, and I wish you the best. But I don't think you will ever get to be yourself if you stay with Alex. And I don't think Alex would ultimately be happy either.

Don't let guilt keep you from doing what feels right to you. You deserve to be able to do what makes you happy without begging for permission to do it. (And Alex deserves someone who doesn't constantly beg her for permission to see other people when that's clearly not what she wants).

Again, I'm so sorry. I've been through something similar. I lost my best friend and all our mutual friends, and I have to live with the knowledge that they all think I'm not that great a person because I'm just not monogamous--but in the end, I get to stay myself.
 
Losing desire for primary. Is it the NRE?

Background: I am currently the hinge in a V between my fiancé of two years and new boyfriend of about two months. Living with boyfriend at school, fiancé (primary, of course) is long distance.

Problem is, since starting the relationship with my secondary, my sexual desire for my primary has completely dried up.

We have had issues in the past, and the sexual frequency has definitely eroded over time, but I never really feared that it was that big of a problem. I thought my sex drive was just decreasing as I got older, unrelated to him. However, being with my secondary has shown me that my sex drive is just as high as it was when my primary and I first met. I'm aware that NRE is the most potent aphrodisiac in existence, but it doesn't seem like it should have the side-effect of making me want to have sex with my primary even less.

Right now I feel like starting a new relationship and experiencing that desire again has just brought out problems and feelings that were hidden under the surface between my primary and I. I have struggled with him for a long time over lifestyle differences (namely that he is very sedentary and unambitious, unlike when we first met), but have tried to remain patient and help him pick up his life. However, I think those feelings finally caught up with me and have robbed me of my desire for him - and though he wants to change both for me and for himself, I am getting tired of waiting.

As you can see, I've gotten myself into quite a mess. Though it sounds bad between my primary and I right now, I have a deep love for him, he is my best friend, and our communication is impeccable. He knows everything I'm posting right now. I suppose I'm just wondering if my NRE with my secondary could be effecting this, or anything I can do to help my relationship with my primary.
 
The simple answer is yes it could be .... or as you said differences and preferences are being expressed. Fancydancy or dancyfancy (user name) wrote a thread on this back in the summer. She got lots of advice .... you may want to check that out.

Truckerpete's blog has been dealing with a similar problem, also another good resource.


Good luck D
 
beginninglove said:
I notice that my impulse is to withdraw, end things with sam before she ends them with me, but i'm just trying to notice those feelings and not do anything reactive.
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Good idea. I do this too where Leo is concerned. I read all kinds of things into it when really I am just being selfish and demanding and should be more giving... find compersion. When I do that I find that he is far more receptive and willing to meet me half way in negotiating a new time, location or whatever. When I get whiny and selfish because I am not getting my way and things aren't going as they normally would he is less likely to figure out a way to see me another time or share his feelings with me. I get the opposite; emotional shut down, resentment, he doesn't talk to me and doesn't make an effort to see me at all. I in return resent him, feel more neglected, and we end up fighting when really we both want to see each other, just something came up for him to change the time. I have had quite a bit of experience with this now and in practising to just shut my mouth give him a smile and tell him to have a good time and good luck (its usually about his business or family that he cancels) he comes to me with a different date and a note to say he misses me and is disappointed to have not seen me.
 
Look, long distance sucks. An eroding of your desire in an LDR is common, poly or no poly. Is there an end in sight for this LDR? Do you have a plan to move to the same city and get married in the near future, or is this marriage plan a sort of vague eventual hope?
 
Its been two months! Give it time. NRE lasts up to and over a year.

I am a bit wary of you living with your boyfriend while fiancé is long distant. That would create a very fragile balance. Poly is a fragile balance of many plates already. I wouldn't do it. But then I don't do long distance. That's just my take.

Ya, I would be worried about this too. Being close creates an intimacy that just is not equivalent for me, but I would gives it a year and see. For me, waiting a year would depend on the distance you have from your fiance, ie. frequency of when you see each other, the living arrangement when you do see each other, what your wedding plans are (are they within the year?) And the possible future with your boyfriend. There is a lot at play here.
 
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