Does NRE deceive a primary partner that they are in love with their new lover and falling out of love with the other primary partner? For instance, suppose the sex and romance with the new partner is initially spicy, hot and exciting while the romance/sex in the primary relationship is at the same current moment good but not great. Note: It was great initially. As a result the primary partner is deceived into thinking he or she is in love with the NRE partner and dumps the primary partner. How common is this scenario? How do we guard against it? And less importantly will the enemies of polyamory use it to morally discredit polyamory? The first two questions are strongly related to our application of polyamory. Since the third question involves anti-poly politics which is somewhat unrelated to the theory and application of poly it is an optional question to answer.
NRE New Relationship Energy
- Thread starter edpsy77
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NRE can be a dangerous cocktail. I know I handled it poorly a number of years ago. So there is at least my case, I believe there are other cases as well. What's the best defense against poor NRE handling? Education, I believe. Knowing that NRE is a thing, and knowing what the perils are. With this information one can take helpful precautions.
Yes, I thought I was falling out of love with my other primary partner. So it can definitely happen.
The enemies of polyamory can certainly use NRE to discredit polyamory. Can, will, and no doubt do. And they are halfway right, polyamory with NRE run amok is not a good thing. But that's because of the NRE, not because of the poly, and more to the point, it's because of the poor choices made by the person experiencing the NRE. It doesn't have to be that way.
Yes, I thought I was falling out of love with my other primary partner. So it can definitely happen.
The enemies of polyamory can certainly use NRE to discredit polyamory. Can, will, and no doubt do. And they are halfway right, polyamory with NRE run amok is not a good thing. But that's because of the NRE, not because of the poly, and more to the point, it's because of the poor choices made by the person experiencing the NRE. It doesn't have to be that way.
I suppose it really depends on the person in question. My NRE was somewhat subdued due to circumstances but even if I had been able and free to feel & do what I want, I doubt I would've neglected my existing partner. Thing is, I never felt like NRE was a distraction or that my attention and desires were diverted from one person to another. Quite the opposite, I felt like there was MORE of everything, more of desire, love, and attentiveness. Not only towards my new transforming relationship but towards my existing partner, too. I did not think I stopped loving him rather than it seemed like I loved him even more than I did previously.
When my partner, Lewis, had his NRE with Rose, I did not feel neglected, either. Sure he was infatuated by her and I did have bouts of jealousy, but we had great discussions, he was very supportive and understanding of my emotions and we spent a lot of time together. Also, our sex life actually improved... Which is not very surprising in our case. That is, when either of us is generally feeling sexually vigorous and active, it also means we have sex more.
Lewis's NRE has passed, it seems, and he has settled in a comfortable relationship with Rose. Aaaand... well, there's less sex now, too. Maybe I should wish for him to have constant NRE with somebody? He seems to be more sexually active during NRE periods and because we've been together for 15 years, THAT boat has sailed for us.
But yeah, generally speaking, I've read tons of stories where one partner is so intoxicated with NRE that existing partner(s) is left in the curb. For me this is hard to understand bc for me taking care of my relationships is of utmost priority and taking something so valuable granted seems really shortsighted and self-damaging. I mean, if I do not take care of my relationship and it crumbles due to my lack of effort, it's not only my partner who suffers but eventually I will suffer, too. And hard. Why would I ever want or risk such suffering if it is somewhat easy to prevent?..
When my partner, Lewis, had his NRE with Rose, I did not feel neglected, either. Sure he was infatuated by her and I did have bouts of jealousy, but we had great discussions, he was very supportive and understanding of my emotions and we spent a lot of time together. Also, our sex life actually improved... Which is not very surprising in our case. That is, when either of us is generally feeling sexually vigorous and active, it also means we have sex more.
Lewis's NRE has passed, it seems, and he has settled in a comfortable relationship with Rose. Aaaand... well, there's less sex now, too. Maybe I should wish for him to have constant NRE with somebody? He seems to be more sexually active during NRE periods and because we've been together for 15 years, THAT boat has sailed for us.
But yeah, generally speaking, I've read tons of stories where one partner is so intoxicated with NRE that existing partner(s) is left in the curb. For me this is hard to understand bc for me taking care of my relationships is of utmost priority and taking something so valuable granted seems really shortsighted and self-damaging. I mean, if I do not take care of my relationship and it crumbles due to my lack of effort, it's not only my partner who suffers but eventually I will suffer, too. And hard. Why would I ever want or risk such suffering if it is somewhat easy to prevent?..
I know of one poly couple which resulted in divorce when a new partner entered the mix. She chose to be with the new partner full time. But there were cracks in the original relationship anyway.
When I had my first regularly physical new relationship last year I struggled with how that was affecting my perceptions of my primary partnership. It wasn't that the sex was spicier, but the getting to know you phase is a very connective one. The contrast meant I felt disconnected from Adam and wished I could experience that with him, too. That new relationship ended. I will be more aware of this next time and manage my thoughts and actions better. Plan more connecting experiences with Adam rather than our usual day to day living.
I really don't find myself affected by anti-poly politics, mostly because I'm not a crusader.
When I had my first regularly physical new relationship last year I struggled with how that was affecting my perceptions of my primary partnership. It wasn't that the sex was spicier, but the getting to know you phase is a very connective one. The contrast meant I felt disconnected from Adam and wished I could experience that with him, too. That new relationship ended. I will be more aware of this next time and manage my thoughts and actions better. Plan more connecting experiences with Adam rather than our usual day to day living.
I really don't find myself affected by anti-poly politics, mostly because I'm not a crusader.
It can and does happen. But I think you are wrong in the wording about "deceived". NRE is not a deception. It's the early phases of love for a lot of people. For me? NRE could just be called the "falling" part of falling in love. The feelings are not a deception they are just super intense and come (often) before you know the person well enough to know if you are actually compatible. It's the period of time when you have rose colored glasses on and can't see the flaws (or if you can see them they don't affect you) in this new person.
The deception part is that this feeling will last. NRE fades, thank god, and having an understanding of how you, yourself falls in love is pretty important when it comes to handling new relationships. I know I fall hard for people. So I know to keep my eyes open for signs of mistreatment and I know to keep putting in energy into my established relationships. But I have never had the sensation of falling out of love with my established relationships. But I have to work to make sure I am taking care of my preexisting connections. Just like I have to work to get more normal day to day stuff done when I'm heavily in NRE. For me? It's an overwhelming obsession. I often can't sleep. I forget to eat. I will wonder into traffic if I'm not careful. I think it's something I've really improved on after doing it a couple of times. It becomes more of a "oh, this feeling again" instead of "holy fuck what is this? Have I been wrong about everything? This person makes me insane!". When you are opening up an established couple it's often been a long while since either have felt that NRE feeling. So it can come as a shock and feel very strange in comparison to established connections. But that's when it's nice to lean into those connections. Feel the solid ground that you have made. Enjoy the depth of experince you share.
As for enemies of polyamory? I don't really think we need to take them into account. Most mono folks don't care about polyamory. If someone is an actual "enemy"? Then that is a personal issue on their part. If someone actively wants to damage or take down polyamory? Then they would have a lot of work to do. And there are a lot of convincing narratives about why polyamory is bad when the culture is still mostly mono. So I don't think it's worth trying to play to people who are against the idea. Just forget about them. They don't even know what they are against.
The deception part is that this feeling will last. NRE fades, thank god, and having an understanding of how you, yourself falls in love is pretty important when it comes to handling new relationships. I know I fall hard for people. So I know to keep my eyes open for signs of mistreatment and I know to keep putting in energy into my established relationships. But I have never had the sensation of falling out of love with my established relationships. But I have to work to make sure I am taking care of my preexisting connections. Just like I have to work to get more normal day to day stuff done when I'm heavily in NRE. For me? It's an overwhelming obsession. I often can't sleep. I forget to eat. I will wonder into traffic if I'm not careful. I think it's something I've really improved on after doing it a couple of times. It becomes more of a "oh, this feeling again" instead of "holy fuck what is this? Have I been wrong about everything? This person makes me insane!". When you are opening up an established couple it's often been a long while since either have felt that NRE feeling. So it can come as a shock and feel very strange in comparison to established connections. But that's when it's nice to lean into those connections. Feel the solid ground that you have made. Enjoy the depth of experince you share.
As for enemies of polyamory? I don't really think we need to take them into account. Most mono folks don't care about polyamory. If someone is an actual "enemy"? Then that is a personal issue on their part. If someone actively wants to damage or take down polyamory? Then they would have a lot of work to do. And there are a lot of convincing narratives about why polyamory is bad when the culture is still mostly mono. So I don't think it's worth trying to play to people who are against the idea. Just forget about them. They don't even know what they are against.
NRE Breaking up people overrated
I am not surprised. Gracie X mentioned that sleeping with other people made her close to her partner. I wish the media would do a better job of investigating poly people who share these insights.
They also tell these horror stories in swinging relationships. I just saw this as their fear taking over their brain. Furthermore, if your partner breaks up with you because he or she believes she found a better fit with someone else, even though it is natural to be devastated, ultimately you should be happy for your former partner.
"This primary relationship SUCKS right now."
What other reason would you abandon your SO for NRE. It has nothing to do with the NRE relationship. It has every thing to do with the lousy primary relationship.
I am not surprised. Gracie X mentioned that sleeping with other people made her close to her partner. I wish the media would do a better job of investigating poly people who share these insights.
Did you ever share this experience with someone who disagrees with poly? How do they react? The reason why I ask this is because many monos behave as if they do not know people like you exist? They constantly want to tell me about a former poly relationship where a primary partner got dumped for a secondary partner or warn me that it WILL happen!!
They also tell these horror stories in swinging relationships. I just saw this as their fear taking over their brain. Furthermore, if your partner breaks up with you because he or she believes she found a better fit with someone else, even though it is natural to be devastated, ultimately you should be happy for your former partner.
I got a simple and blunt theory:
"This primary relationship SUCKS right now."
What other reason would you abandon your SO for NRE. It has nothing to do with the NRE relationship. It has every thing to do with the lousy primary relationship.
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My NRE definitely kicks up the energy in my existing relationship- whether you want to call it ORE or established relationship intimacy or whatever it is- it makes everything better
And I'm very happy in my primary relationship at the moment, so nothing sucks there that shouldn't be sucked lol.
And I'm very happy in my primary relationship at the moment, so nothing sucks there that shouldn't be sucked lol.
vinsanity0
Active member
Since NRE is a result if brain chemistry, I view it as similar to drugs or alcohol. If you immerse yourself you are likely to make bad decisions. That primary relationship might not actually suck. That has been my personal experience.
Well, not really. I mean, I have talked about my new situation with my friends out of whom hardly anyone is poly and they do disagree with poly but only in regards to their own love life. They are have all been very accepting and understanding, no-one has judged me in the least - this is why I am friends with them.
When it comes to discussing poly with other people, well, we are not publicly open with Lewis. So, I have not encountered anyone who criticizes poly vocally. It's not a subject that often arises in my discussions with other people nor do I spend time in environments where it is bashed, if there are any (I have no idea).
Well, that is a nice idea, but honestly, it seems to me a bit much to expect a person to be actually happy for her/his ex after the said ex has hurt them badly. Breaking up is something everyone is entitled to do, but usually, it will hurt the other party tremendously, even if he/she accepts the situation. Sure, maybe after the hurt is passed, you can be happy for your ex finding a more fitting partner, but I would hope it's not a requirement.
However, in many cases the person leaving treats the former partner so horribly during the break-up process that I would not anyone ever having any positive thought about the ex-partner after having gone through such a situation. My own parents are an example and honestly, theirs is a mild version of this kind of scenario. My dad used to cheat a LOT but I do not even know whether he actually planned to ever leave my mom, because she ran the household so he essentially had a "hotel" where he could get all his most basic needs met (except for sex & intimacy at that point, obviously). Finally, mom had enough and kicked him out, and he ended up marrying his latest long-term partner with whom he had been cheating on my mom. Now, his second wife IS a better fit for him as a partner in both her personality and interests. But, I cannot and will not fault for my mother still disliking and despising my father and not being happy for him at all. Why should she, he treated her like dirt.
And, as said, my mom had it easy. I've seen and read about cases where people are just plain AWFUL and mentally abusive, try to destroy their former partner financially and so on. I would never even want to feel happy for such a terrible excuse for a humanbeing.
I'm with Vinsanity here. Primary relationship can be very good and yet a strong NRE can cloud you so completely that you burn everything you used to value and leave only ashes in your wake. There's a reason why "falling in love" is often referred to as a sort of a mentall illness.
People often also say a person would not cheat unless there is something wrong with the main relationship. I do not think this is true. Yes, sometimes people react to problems in the main/old relationship by finding a new outlet for their emotions and this might make the cracks in the old relationship seem more visible and pronounced, but as often there is nothing really wrong in the old relationship except that is doesn't make you feel like the new one does. But no old relationship can do quite that, even if it is full of love and intimacy. Some people are just swept away by their NRE storm.
If you are in love in your primary you would be in love in both
But if you are in love in your primary relationship, your NRE would cause you to be in love now in both situations. I am simply going by mono stories which are biased towards monogamy. Very often partners are not happy in their relationship and ask for an open relationship. The monog apologists think this is damning evidence against poly when it is evidence of incorrectly handling your relationship.
Many polys and swingers talk about not engaging in non-monogamy to rescue your struggling primary relationship. This is where I am basing my perspective. Do you believe anti-polys often use the theme of NRE to scare people from poly?
But if you are in love in your primary relationship, your NRE would cause you to be in love now in both situations. I am simply going by mono stories which are biased towards monogamy. Very often partners are not happy in their relationship and ask for an open relationship. The monog apologists think this is damning evidence against poly when it is evidence of incorrectly handling your relationship.
Many polys and swingers talk about not engaging in non-monogamy to rescue your struggling primary relationship. This is where I am basing my perspective. Do you believe anti-polys often use the theme of NRE to scare people from poly?
Re Mono enemies
Hi Rosephase, I will answer your other comments in another response. But you response to enemies of mono got my attention. First what are these convincing narratives that polyamory is bad in a mono majority society? Furthermore, there are legal issues surrounding polyamory when it involves kids. I have heard plenty of poly families have at least decent legal challenges when it comes to this issue. Some are subtle and others are direct.
Hi Rosephase, I will answer your other comments in another response. But you response to enemies of mono got my attention. First what are these convincing narratives that polyamory is bad in a mono majority society? Furthermore, there are legal issues surrounding polyamory when it involves kids. I have heard plenty of poly families have at least decent legal challenges when it comes to this issue. Some are subtle and others are direct.