NRE sucks..

[Voluptuouschef]

Aloha all,
I have to say, this NRE everyone has spoken of has been foreign to me up until the past couple of weeks and it really sucks. It's great when I'm with and talking to the new guy but it's completely killed my interest in being with my husband physically. Like I have a hard time enjoying our sex, part of that is because by comparison it's boring, but I find myself wishing I was with my boyfriend instead. And then I feel guilty for feeling that and try having more sex with my husband to over compensate. I'm trying to push through it and compartmentalize the two but it's freaking hard.
It would be easier if it were just the sex but I'm feeling that infatuation hard, like when I'm hanging out with Husband I'm thinking about Boyfriend. If it weren't for the emotional component with BF I think is be okay compartmentalizing the sex... but I actually like him a lot as a person and we've hung out without doing anything beyond cuddling. Anyways, how do you guys handle it?
Oh before anyone suggests it, no I'm not going to tell my husband I want to hold off on sex with him so I can wrap myself up in a warm NRE blanket. I'm already having my cake and eating it too, I'm not going to smack the fork out of his hand.

 

[ElMango]

It would be easier if it were just the sex but I'm feeling that infatuation hard, like when I'm hanging out with Husband I'm thinking about Boyfriend. If it weren't for the emotional component with BF I think is be okay compartmentalizing the sex... but I actually like him a lot as a person and we've hung out without doing anything beyond cuddling. Anyways, how do you guys handle it?

Okay so, I want to say I'm not a fan of NRE for myself. It makes me anxious.

The thing is, with the libido portion, is to let it just...exist. I didn't lose interest in Z, but I did become more fixated on fucking B. So, when B wasn't around and NRE made me horny, I'd think about all the amazing sex I've had with Z. Redirect and then either masturbate if he wans't ther or fuck him if he was.

Embrace the feelings, accept them, and then work with them from there

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Voluptuous,

About the only thing I know of that you can do about NRE, is, be aware of it. "This is the NRE talking." Aware of it, and, aware that it could trick you into neglecting your husband. Let me ask you something, a rhetorical question: Do you want to leave your husband? Do you want to lose your husband? If the answer is no, and I take it that it is, then take that as a sign that you have some incentive for nurturing your marriage, and build on that from there. Ask yourself, "I want to stay with my husband, but why? Is it just for the sake of our child, or does my husband have some desirable attributes that I value? What are those attributes?" Make a list. Make a list of desirable attributes, also make a list of what are the good times you have shared with your husband in the past? times you treasured, that you still treasure. Ask yourself, "What do I want to share with my husband in the future? and why?"

Also sit down and talk with your husband. Tell him, "I want to work on our marriage." Tell him, "I want to work on our sex life." Your sex life with him is something that needed work, prior to the advent of NRE. You need him to pitch in and do his own part to try and work on the marriage. This would really be a good time for the two of you to meet with a marriage counselor, if you can possibly talk him into it. Sure NRE is shining a light on the problems in your marriage, but the problems existed before NRE came around. This is just an incentive for you to work extra hard on something that needed work in the first place.

I don't mean to suggest that you should stop spending time with your boyfriend, and start spending all your time with your husband, and hope that will lessen your NRE. Being aware of what's happening, as I said, is the key here. Schedule your time mindfully so that both your husband and your boyfriend are getting a fair share. Don't let NRE trick you into spending less and less time with your husband, because it will do that if you let it.

If you handle things carefully, there's a chance that you can turn this NRE thing around. Make it a good thing. Something that actually spills over into your marriage, rather than drains away from it. But first, you will have to take some very conscious and deliberate actions. And this is a joint effort, something for your husband to work on as well.

Keep us posted. We'll keep trying to help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[dingedheart]

I see that “ the talk” went well. Good for you.

Aloha all,
I have to say, this NRE everyone has spoken of has been foreign to me up until the past couple of weeks and it really sucks. It's great when I'm with and talking to the new guy but it's completely killed my interest in being with my husband physically. Like I have a hard time enjoying our sex, part of that is because by comparison it's boring, but I find myself wishing I was with my boyfriend instead.

In your last thread you said your sex life with your husband was boring and abysmal so you didn’t enjoy it then so why would you think you’d enjoy it with an active comparison ??? Because you didn’t answer the question asked by me and another member in the other thread as to if your husband was aware you think sex with him is abysmal it’s save to assume he doesn’t know.

You might be an amazing actress and or he desperate for any attention he can get so he doesn’t care BUT most people are going to pick up on this. Many mono guys have told me straight up the sense it they feel it and their wife or gf make excuses or turn it back on them as some reaction to jealousy.

And then I feel guilty for feeling that and try having more sex with my husband to over compensate. I'm trying to push through it and compartmentalize the two but it's freaking hard.

Wow ....who asked about pity sex in the last thread ....oh yeah it was me .
Great question then and now ???

It would be easier if it were just the sex but I'm feeling that infatuation hard, like when I'm hanging out with Husband I'm thinking about Boyfriend. If it weren't for the emotional component with BF I think is be okay compartmentalizing the sex... but I actually like him a lot as a person and we've hung out without doing anything beyond cuddling.

I think you’re overthinking it and what’s to compartmentalize. Sex with hubby sucks and sex with BF is awesome and that’s just making the NRE that much more extreme or powerful. The harsher the contrast the more you’re going to be drawn to the preference.

Anyways, how do you guys handle it?
Oh before anyone suggests it, no I'm not going to tell my husband I want to hold off on sex with him so I can wrap myself up in a warm NRE blanket. I'm already having my cake and eating it too, I'm not going to smack the fork out of his hand.

I’ve been here a long time and have never seen anyone suggesting wrapping themselves in the warm NRE blanket so I don’t think you have to worry about that. There was a thread a long time ago on this subject of loosing all desire for their husband and the general advice or opinion was to fake it ...or lie and hope desire returns. To me that seemed really wrong because one of the core principles in poly is honest communication. And also if roles were reversed would you want that done to you.

Here’s sort of a summary of how this little faking or dishonesty cascades into serious problems. All the experts say don’t neglect spouse or existing partner ( seems like common sense advice ) so the poly partner conscious of this and the new dating starts setting up dates with spouse or E partner. The problem here is there’s no interest and or desire it was just to keep spouse from really really feeling like the old shoe.

In your case he’s already demoted as a lover and it’s only a couple weeks and things progress more displacement and questions or complaints he’ll have and your word won’t have any meaning after a while.

 

[Voluptuouschef]

Yeah I didn't reply at all to the last thread..

So I am now to this one. Yes the talk went okay. Not wonderful oh yay your going to be getting physical which wouldn't happen lol, but he didn't freak out or get all angry and we talked a lot, but less then I expected.
Abysmal was a strong word regarding our sex life, extremely dissatisfying for me, is a better way to put it. We have frequent sex, as much as our schedules allow him being a day worker and me a night shift weirdo. Since we are frequently only talking in passing these days then he's not completely aware of my dissatisfaction. However, I haven't faked anything in years so he's perfectly aware of the fact that I only "fully enjoy" our sex about half the time. And usually it's because I'm with someone else in my mind and that helps me get there. When I refer to our sex life as boring he disagrees so... he and I have very different opinions on what makes sex interesting and fun times.
Since I already regularly, and always have, engaged in sex when I'm not really into it he's used to being able to have it whenever he wants. I only reject him during my period and sometimes he will find a way around it. So I don't want to start rejecting him now. However, I've finally experienced what sex can be like with a super experienced, enthusiastic, uninhibited, and imaginative lover and... now the vanilla I get at home can barely even peak my interest. Like the things that often get me off don't even start the arousal process.
Regarding the NRE blanket, I've actually seen it suggested a few times. Tell your partner you need a little space to work your way through the nre and just are not interested right now, or from the poster saying they have already done so. Which fine in a completely open both sides dating thing that may be workable, but in mine where he's only getting it from me I couldn't bring myself.
I think I'll just have to go with Elmangos suggestion of using the horniness I am getting from BF to drive my sex with my husband, which I already am doing anyways but it's usually a last resort type if thing when I realize how long he's been at it and not getting a proper response.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle.

I am having trouble understanding the needs here.

Is it...

• I find (me + hubby) sex life boring. He thinks it is fine. I don't. I (do/do not) want to do something about this.

• I regularly choose to engage in sex with my husband when I'm not really into it. I (do/do not) want to change this behavior. I (do/do not) want to be more honest with my husband.

• To get through "meh" sex with hubby, I think about BF instead. So I'm not really present. I am (ok/not ok) doing this.

Where do you land on those? What is your desired outcome?

I only reject him during my period and sometimes he will find a way around it. So I don't want to start rejecting him now.

What does that mean? Does your husband not respect your "no?" Even when on your period and you don't feel sexy he pressures you into sex? You give in to shut him up? What's that all about?

It's great when I'm with and talking to the new guy but it's completely killed my interest in being with my husband physically.

I am going to guess. I might guess wrong.

If your husband doesn't respect your "no?" If you aren't honest with him about only sharing sex when you BOTH actually want to, or how sex between you is getting ho hum, you guys don't really talk about your sex problems, and/or he pressures you into sex even when you are on your period and don't want to?

The problems were there long before BF showed up. The cracks were already there. Having a BF is just shining a light on them.

So if you want things to change between you and hubby, I would suggest being more honest and talking it out with him even if it is hard to do.

If you are going to resign yourself? Then I guess go ahead and think about BF during sex with hubby and don't feel guilty. I guess that could work in the short term but I don't think it's healthy long term. Your BF is not the bandaid for problems in the (you + hubby) layer of things.

Like... one doesn't find a BF to be more able to ENDURE their hubby. Right?

I think I'll just have to go with Elmangos suggestion of using the horniness I am getting from BF to drive my sex with my husband, which I already am doing anyways but it's usually a last resort type if thing when I realize how long he's been at it and not getting a proper response.

What does that mean? He's gonna keep on pumping you til you have or fake orgasm or delight or something?

Galagirl

 

[vinsanity0]

NRE makes me happy. It doesn't magically disappear when I'm not with the new person. Therefore, it naturally spills over into my other relationships.

I see a bigger problem here. You are just not that into your husband. Personally, I've never stayed with someone who I didn't enjoy having sex with. That is probably because I am somewhat demisexual. That means if I don't like having sex with someone it means I don't like them.

 

[FallenAngelina]

... he and I have very different opinions on what makes sex interesting and fun times.....I've finally experienced what sex can be like with a super experienced, enthusiastic, uninhibited, and imaginative lover and... now the vanilla I get at home can barely even peak my interest. Like the things that often get me off don't even start the arousal process.

Polyamory does not fix a crappy sex life, nor a fading relationship. In fact, poly will make the shortcomings even more apparent. Adding to what dingedheart said about your other thread, this isn't about NRE temporarily gumming up the works, this is about you coming to terms that your marriage has some enormous challenges. The new guy shines a bright spotlight on that.

I think I'll just have to go with Elmangos suggestion of using the horniness I am getting from BF to drive my sex with my husband, which I already am doing anyways but it's usually a last resort type if thing when I realize how long he's been at it and not getting a proper response.

ElMango has desire for her partners - you do not. Big difference. When poly people talk about NRE sexual desire as a fringe benefit for all partners, they are assuming sexual desire in all the relationships. You won't be able to pack up sexual desire from one guy and stuff it into sex with another guy that you're not into. Unless you get even better at pretending and fantasizing about other guys while with your husband, the sexual energy transfer method you're banking on will fail you. You say that you don't want to hurt your husband even more by being honest about your marital sex, but is lying to him making for a good marriage? A polyamorous BF isn't going to fix this, his presence is going to press the issue. Honestly, it doesn't seem that you're looking for polyamory at all. You're fearful of what would happen if you allowed honesty into your marriage and polyamory seems like a good way to circumvent having to go there.

 

[dingedheart]

The thing is, with the libido portion, is to let it just...exist. I didn't lose interest in Z, but I did become more fixated on fucking B. So, when B wasn't around and NRE made me horny, I'd think about all the amazing sex I've had with Z. Redirect and then either masturbate if he wans't ther or fuck him if he was.

Not sure how it works when both sides have partners but from the mono side I really didn’t want to be the stunt dick for the wife’s Bf. Does Z or did Z know he was being used that way ??? Or was he fantasizing about his gf while you’re fantasizing about B ?

Maybe I was really stupid because I could have had more sex but I didn’t want to be used as the convenient stand in. “ I just got off the phone or was sexting or FaceTiming and I’m horny and I guess you’ll have to due” And I don’t think that’s just the feeling I got but if bf was down the hall or next door or even a few blocks away and available that playful suggestion wouldn’t have been made.

Can NRE be used to divert some sexual energy back into a relationship sure I guess depending on how and why it’s done.

 

[ElMango]

Please don't go with my advice.

My and Z have always had a really amazing sex life, so I just used the overflow and redirected the NRE obsession.

All of the other information you provided (esp b/c I don't remember the previous thread), has definitely changed my opinion. You and your husband have some fundamental relationship issues with sex and those need to be looked at and talked about.

There is a lot to unpack if you want to do something with that se life and I think a serious conversation with husband about your needs and wants NEEDS to happen

 

[ElMango]

Can NRE be used to divert some sexual energy back into a relationship sure I guess depending on how and why it’s done.

That's what I was trying to explain. I'm a very high sex drive person, like I'm up for sex more often than I'm not. And very sexually attracted to all my partners. So for me I just used the good NRE feelings and let them bleed into the rest of my se life as well. I was very straight forward with Z about how NRE was hitting me; and I never actively fantazied about one while being with the other. I used the NRE horny I had and then went "Let's now think about Z" instead of a "B has made me horny. I will thnk about that with Z"

If that makes sense

 

[breathemusic]

Have you talked to your husband about the things that you've learned that you do enjoy about sex? You don't have to say "my other partner does X and it's soooo much better!" But you could say "hey, I'd like to do more of x, y, and z in bed. Is that something you would be up for?" And if he's not willing to do any of the things that actually excite you in bed, then maybe you need to reconsider whether or not you are actually sexually compatible with your husband and how that impacts your relationship with him.

 

[dingedheart]

Not wonderful oh yay your going to be getting physical which wouldn't happen lol, but he didn't freak out or get all angry and we talked a lot, but less then I expected.

I don’t Understand the lol part at getting physical ?

And you talked a lot but never about the underlying need for this ??

Abysmal was a strong word regarding our sex life, extremely dissatisfying for me, is a better way to put it. We have frequent sex, as much as our schedules allow him being a day worker and me a night shift weirdo.

Yes abysmal is a strong word but does extremely dissatisfying shade that more positively ???

Since we are frequently only talking in passing these days then he's not completely aware of my dissatisfaction. However, I haven't faked anything in years so he's perfectly aware of the fact that I only "fully enjoy" our sex about half the time. And usually it's because I'm with someone else in my mind and that helps me get there.

Oh so you’ve never told him directly that you find sex with him extremely dissatisfying aka abysmal but because you don’t fake orgasms anymore he should know that 1/2 the time you’re. The other half you’re fantasizing about someone else. I take he doesn’t know about this either ?

When I refer to our sex life as boring he disagrees so... he and I have very different opinions on what makes sex interesting and fun times.

So how many time have you told him you think you sex life is boring ?? Aka extremely dissatisfying, aka abysmal?

And wouldn’t those times be a perfect time to share the fact “ it’s so boring I need to fantasize about someone else in order to get off. ?

Since I already regularly, and always have, engaged in sex when I'm not really into it he's used to being able to have it whenever he wants. I only reject him during my period and sometimes he will find a way around it. So I don't want to start rejecting him now.

You don’t want to start rejecting him now because you’re afraid it will hurt his feelings or ego ....or cause a major issue with the marriage ?

However, I've finally experienced what sex can be like with a super experienced, enthusiastic, uninhibited, and imaginative lover and... now the vanilla I get at home can barely even peak my interest. Like the things that often get me off don't even start the arousal process.

And this is the rainbow ^ And now the bar is set there.

Regarding the NRE blanket, I've actually seen it suggested a few times. Tell your partner you need a little space to work your way through the nre and just are not interested right now, or from the poster saying they have already done so. Which fine in a completely open both sides dating thing that may be workable, but in mine where he's only getting it from me I couldn't bring myself.
.

Wow ...No kidding...my forum participation is very sporadic these days. Read and post for a few days and then check in a few weeks later. So I stand corrected thanks for passing that along. And I think that might work in a totally open relationship but either way you’re sending a really strong message.
I’d like to see the thread you saw that in.

 

[dingedheart]

That's what I was trying to explain. I'm a very high sex drive person, like I'm up for sex more often than I'm not. And very sexually attracted to all my partners. So for me I just used the good NRE feelings and let them bleed into the rest of my se life as well. I was very straight forward with Z about how NRE was hitting me; and I never actively fantazied about one while being with the other. I used the NRE horny I had and then went "Let's now think about Z" instead of a "B has made me horny. I will thnk about that with Z"

If that makes sense

When you say you were up front with Z about how NRE was hitting you did you share that you were specifically obsessed or fixated on fucking B.

And you have to acknowledge from what you posted we could easily got the impression you were using hubby and a stunt dick. BUT more importantly would he care. Could you say to him I just done off the tablet from FaceTiming B and he made me super horny and I need physical closure. And would you be ok if he said the same to you ??

 

[ElMango]

When you say you were up front with Z about how NRE was hitting you did you share that you were specifically obsessed or fixated on fucking B.

And you have to acknowledge from what you posted we could easily got the impression you were using hubby and a stunt dick. BUT more importantly would he care. Could you say to him I just done off the tablet from FaceTiming B and he made me super horny and I need physical closure. And would you be ok if he said the same to you ??

Oh I was 100% open and honest and so was he; if we had just been turned on by either of our partners we'd be like "hey, X made me horny wanna have sex?" It definitely was never a secret and when we first started non-monogamy, it was just sexual. At this point in my relationship with B it was ONLY a sexual relationship. So...B basically was just a dick when this was happening; I should have clarified.
We never did any of this because our sex life was ever bad; but because we realized it's what we both wanted and things evolved from there. So, when we were left hanging from another partner we'd absolutely say so openly and honestly.

Now that the relationships have evolved and the NRE has faded, no one is really left hanging anymore. My libido is only increased the more sex I have; so I honestly have them being like "god woman HOW ARE YOU STILL HORNY?"

I can definitely see that my situation and advice RE: OP is not accurate to what they're going through.

 

[Vicki82]

I can't even imagine how it would feel to have my partner dreading fucking me to the point where they have to fantasize about someone else to do it.

This is most definitely not an NRE problem.