LostPixie
New member
Here is my blog for what tiny bit of background it will give:
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=78313
So, about a month ago, I was in a dark place and feeling myself tip toward abysmal levels of darkness between depression, being very overwhelmed, and having a faith crisis due mostly to isolation. I decided to go with friends to a bar, and chanced into an old friend, Goth. Neither of us were looking for anything, but sparks flew and everything just feels so RIGHT (NRE).
We confessed mutual crushes from back in the day, and that those crushes were alive and well. He's monogamous and I'm actively poly. We fell into a lusty romance pretty quickly though. He happens to be seeking to reconnect to faith (similar to mine) as well. And while he has never been much of a kid-person, he very much enjoys hanging out with me and my 2 monkeys.
Goth and one of my Girlfriends helped me move last weekend, a very emotionally taxing event which I anticipated would leave me highly unstable, so I requested that Goth be around as much as he can this week while I recover.
This happens to be Spring Break for Monkey1 (5 years old), so I've had him home along with Monkey2 (2 years old). Goth has been very present and helpful when ever he is not at work. A real life-sanity saver!!
------
So what's the problem???
Well, I'm divorced from the father of my Monkeys, and Daddy isn't very involved with the boys. I accommodate as much as I can but he works 3pm-11pm at least 5 days/ week, and sometimes goes a month without a day off, while HIS emotional-mental-verbally abusive father lives in his home. Daddy kept getting too close to me in very inappropriate ways, so in December I had to make a hard choice to put my emotional and mental safety as a priority: I will not be around him without another adult present. The most private is handing off in the parking lot of public businesses.
Daddy loves the Monkeys, and I've continued to try and foster their connection.
----
Monkeys are both VERY affectionate. They freely dole out "I love you"s, hugs, and other carings. They also struggle with personally boundaries, but I and all the grownups have been working with them on that. And conduct is always appropriate around Monkeys.
Monkey1 has now told Goth at least 3 times some form of "I want you to be my daddy" or "I wish I were your kid."
*heartsink*
I absolutely adore Goth, and he is trying to just roll with it. When Monkeys say "I love you" he says "Aww" in a gentle, adoring tone, regardless of how much Monkey1 insists its forever and really really. I mean, what else can he do?? We both KNOW it's too early for those 3 little words.
I've NEVER tried to replace Daddy in their lives, quite the opposite in fact. I was present this morning when Monkey1 said this to Goth and I told Monkey he needs to not say things like that because it is disrespectful to Daddy.
IDK WTF to do?!?!
I would be dangerously unwell if not for the help Goth has been recently. My life had a gapping hole my other loves could not cover and he stepped right in with out even knowing how big the gap was **but with full disclosure on poly, kids, etc**.
Monkeys need strong, kind, good role models of many varieties in their lives. Daddy and I both agree on this. We both believe a more "village" approach is healthier with many "aunt and uncle" type care givers in the mix. I planned to have any friends and lovers who are around often, or over a long time to take up "aunt/uncle" type roles.
But I don't know how to handle this. The couple of poly families with kids I'm aware of don't have the "divorce with small children" things going on.
I'm lost and scared of doing the "wrong" thing by having no idea what a "righter" thing might be.
-----
I DO NOT WANT
-to alienate Daddy further (he does a job of it himself)
-to cause Monkeys more turmoil than is already present
-to push Goth away, at all (for both selfish and considerate reasons)
When Daddy brought Monkeys back Monday, Goth was here (we spent the morning rushing around to get the place manageable and kid safe) so I offered Daddy to take a look at New Place (hoping it would set him at ease). Instead he took the opportunity to throw word daggers, "I don't want to go where I'm not welcome." He was about to leave without hugging Monkeys over it.
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=78313
So, about a month ago, I was in a dark place and feeling myself tip toward abysmal levels of darkness between depression, being very overwhelmed, and having a faith crisis due mostly to isolation. I decided to go with friends to a bar, and chanced into an old friend, Goth. Neither of us were looking for anything, but sparks flew and everything just feels so RIGHT (NRE).
We confessed mutual crushes from back in the day, and that those crushes were alive and well. He's monogamous and I'm actively poly. We fell into a lusty romance pretty quickly though. He happens to be seeking to reconnect to faith (similar to mine) as well. And while he has never been much of a kid-person, he very much enjoys hanging out with me and my 2 monkeys.
Goth and one of my Girlfriends helped me move last weekend, a very emotionally taxing event which I anticipated would leave me highly unstable, so I requested that Goth be around as much as he can this week while I recover.
This happens to be Spring Break for Monkey1 (5 years old), so I've had him home along with Monkey2 (2 years old). Goth has been very present and helpful when ever he is not at work. A real life-sanity saver!!
------
So what's the problem???
Well, I'm divorced from the father of my Monkeys, and Daddy isn't very involved with the boys. I accommodate as much as I can but he works 3pm-11pm at least 5 days/ week, and sometimes goes a month without a day off, while HIS emotional-mental-verbally abusive father lives in his home. Daddy kept getting too close to me in very inappropriate ways, so in December I had to make a hard choice to put my emotional and mental safety as a priority: I will not be around him without another adult present. The most private is handing off in the parking lot of public businesses.
Daddy loves the Monkeys, and I've continued to try and foster their connection.
----
Monkeys are both VERY affectionate. They freely dole out "I love you"s, hugs, and other carings. They also struggle with personally boundaries, but I and all the grownups have been working with them on that. And conduct is always appropriate around Monkeys.
Monkey1 has now told Goth at least 3 times some form of "I want you to be my daddy" or "I wish I were your kid."
*heartsink*
I absolutely adore Goth, and he is trying to just roll with it. When Monkeys say "I love you" he says "Aww" in a gentle, adoring tone, regardless of how much Monkey1 insists its forever and really really. I mean, what else can he do?? We both KNOW it's too early for those 3 little words.
I've NEVER tried to replace Daddy in their lives, quite the opposite in fact. I was present this morning when Monkey1 said this to Goth and I told Monkey he needs to not say things like that because it is disrespectful to Daddy.
IDK WTF to do?!?!
I would be dangerously unwell if not for the help Goth has been recently. My life had a gapping hole my other loves could not cover and he stepped right in with out even knowing how big the gap was **but with full disclosure on poly, kids, etc**.
Monkeys need strong, kind, good role models of many varieties in their lives. Daddy and I both agree on this. We both believe a more "village" approach is healthier with many "aunt and uncle" type care givers in the mix. I planned to have any friends and lovers who are around often, or over a long time to take up "aunt/uncle" type roles.
But I don't know how to handle this. The couple of poly families with kids I'm aware of don't have the "divorce with small children" things going on.
I'm lost and scared of doing the "wrong" thing by having no idea what a "righter" thing might be.
-----
I DO NOT WANT
-to alienate Daddy further (he does a job of it himself)
-to cause Monkeys more turmoil than is already present
-to push Goth away, at all (for both selfish and considerate reasons)
When Daddy brought Monkeys back Monday, Goth was here (we spent the morning rushing around to get the place manageable and kid safe) so I offered Daddy to take a look at New Place (hoping it would set him at ease). Instead he took the opportunity to throw word daggers, "I don't want to go where I'm not welcome." He was about to leave without hugging Monkeys over it.