Hi.
Apologies if this is the wrong place to post this - I don't really know where else to go apart from a therapist that I'm waiting for a reply on.
I was - I say was because I am newly separated from my husband - in a mono relationship with him for 13 years. We were, I thought, happy enough despite him having depression and anxiety. We had a child together, it was a rough time leading up to the birth but we got through it. When our son came home, he returned to work and I took up the role of Mum at home. As our son developed I noticed he wasn't engaging with him as much on an emotional level and found certain things stressful so I took on more responsibility while encouraging him to try and find his own rhythm with him. Unfortunately it didn't get any better as he got older (he's 5 now) and I was seen as the primary parent. This hit my husband hard and he retreated.
Shortly after having some health issues in 2019 and through some very strange conversations with him I discovered he'd been having an emotional affair with a mutual friend for a few weeks. They had been texting, flirting and exchanging photos. There were some smaller red flags before our son was born - he would look and imagine me in the feminine clothing he saw the women in - then tell me he needed me to dress more like that - I spent a lot of my 20s in jeans and hoodies because I was comfortable and saw clothing as practical rather than an expression of personality - some therapy has helped with that. I tried to change but kept defaulting back.
Instead of kicking him out, I looked at my own relationship with him and how we'd gotten to the point where he felt his needs could be met elsewhere.
We both went to individual therapy - him because he was questioning everything and me because I needed a place to vent safely away from home.
His therapist highlighted that instead of depression he might be autistic with ADHD and also polyamorous. This has turned out to be true. Mine helped me work through the anger and towards forgiveness.
I felt knowing this would help to understand why he wasn't emotionally available for our son. I wasn't sure at first but did ultimately decide to try polyamory.
We put in rules at first, some were to help with my triggers from before and some were to help with structure. He wanted to dive in because he felt natural to him and there was someone else on his radar and I wanted to wait. He said it wouldn't happen if I said no. I read a lot of blogs, books about polyamory before saying yes.
During this time he was unmedicated and impulsive so I got hurt a lot and lots of boundaries were crossed. Everything got reviewed and agreed again and it would be fine for a few weeks before something would happen and cause arguments.
Things didn't improve at home, he still wasn't engaging with our son despite lots of encouragement. His relationship ended and he met his current girlfriend shortly after. I had also found someone to go on a couple of dates with and we got on but kept it casual because he knew that my family came first. We're still seeing each other occasionally.
The arguments got worse when his girlfriend moved across country, his priorities changed. He told me he wanted equality at home so we tried to rebalance the relationship where he did participate more and I took a step back. It didn't work because I would routinely find him on his phone texting her when he should have been placing his attention elsewhere. We did have a date night and time set aside for him to spend with his gf - this just didn't seem enough. I would express how I felt about him being attached to his phone but his guilt overrode it.
I will say at this point I became so stressed that I would lose my temper in frustration. I would cry to release it or try and take some time alone. He would feel guilty so I felt unable to express it this way and went back to therapy to get a handle on it. I was told by him I had a problem and couldn't communicate effectively. I have not been the easiest person to live with or love during the pandemic. I do struggle to express myself when I'm really *up there* but can when I've calmed down / let it out / cried etc...he couldn't stand seeing me do it. He needed calm and rational, I needed honesty and support instead of lies of omission and guilt.
The NRE in their relationship is strong. His logic based thought process and my emotional one has caused us to butt heads too many times - the rules and boundaries we had became too trapping for him and I watched our son, me and my marriage suffer. He also attributed a lot of his stress and lack of executive function to being around me.
Conversations we would have would be heavy for me to listen to without emotional support. I could recall them perfectly before being told I had misremembered it.
He wanted to go and stay with his gf for a week or two every few months, I understood this and would have felt better about it if the equality was already there in my own relationship. Instead, he would try and tell me what he would do to step up just before he was due to leave. I didn't need it then, I needed to see it consistently so we could both take some independence away from parenting and responsibilities. Again, we would argue our viewpoint and get defensive.
The arguments became too much for him, he fell out of love with me and decided to leave. I have no fight left.
Now he's out of a relationship with me he says he can be the parent he knows he can be and we're going to be co-parenting once he's settled in a new place. He has made some effort to see our son.
It hasn't all been bad, we had some really good times. We started couples counseling and he quit after 2 sessions before leaving for good.
I'm struggling to understand if a) he was using his diagnosis and new found identity as an excuse. b) We'd been living a lie before all of this. c) I really am a controlling person who didn't let him get involved / making up the parts of conversations he couldn't remember d) we just grew apart when his priorities changed or e) open relationships are not for me after all.
This is also my first long term relationship and first love so the breakup feels much harder.
Thank you for reading if you have.
Apologies if this is the wrong place to post this - I don't really know where else to go apart from a therapist that I'm waiting for a reply on.
I was - I say was because I am newly separated from my husband - in a mono relationship with him for 13 years. We were, I thought, happy enough despite him having depression and anxiety. We had a child together, it was a rough time leading up to the birth but we got through it. When our son came home, he returned to work and I took up the role of Mum at home. As our son developed I noticed he wasn't engaging with him as much on an emotional level and found certain things stressful so I took on more responsibility while encouraging him to try and find his own rhythm with him. Unfortunately it didn't get any better as he got older (he's 5 now) and I was seen as the primary parent. This hit my husband hard and he retreated.
Shortly after having some health issues in 2019 and through some very strange conversations with him I discovered he'd been having an emotional affair with a mutual friend for a few weeks. They had been texting, flirting and exchanging photos. There were some smaller red flags before our son was born - he would look and imagine me in the feminine clothing he saw the women in - then tell me he needed me to dress more like that - I spent a lot of my 20s in jeans and hoodies because I was comfortable and saw clothing as practical rather than an expression of personality - some therapy has helped with that. I tried to change but kept defaulting back.
Instead of kicking him out, I looked at my own relationship with him and how we'd gotten to the point where he felt his needs could be met elsewhere.
We both went to individual therapy - him because he was questioning everything and me because I needed a place to vent safely away from home.
His therapist highlighted that instead of depression he might be autistic with ADHD and also polyamorous. This has turned out to be true. Mine helped me work through the anger and towards forgiveness.
I felt knowing this would help to understand why he wasn't emotionally available for our son. I wasn't sure at first but did ultimately decide to try polyamory.
We put in rules at first, some were to help with my triggers from before and some were to help with structure. He wanted to dive in because he felt natural to him and there was someone else on his radar and I wanted to wait. He said it wouldn't happen if I said no. I read a lot of blogs, books about polyamory before saying yes.
During this time he was unmedicated and impulsive so I got hurt a lot and lots of boundaries were crossed. Everything got reviewed and agreed again and it would be fine for a few weeks before something would happen and cause arguments.
Things didn't improve at home, he still wasn't engaging with our son despite lots of encouragement. His relationship ended and he met his current girlfriend shortly after. I had also found someone to go on a couple of dates with and we got on but kept it casual because he knew that my family came first. We're still seeing each other occasionally.
The arguments got worse when his girlfriend moved across country, his priorities changed. He told me he wanted equality at home so we tried to rebalance the relationship where he did participate more and I took a step back. It didn't work because I would routinely find him on his phone texting her when he should have been placing his attention elsewhere. We did have a date night and time set aside for him to spend with his gf - this just didn't seem enough. I would express how I felt about him being attached to his phone but his guilt overrode it.
I will say at this point I became so stressed that I would lose my temper in frustration. I would cry to release it or try and take some time alone. He would feel guilty so I felt unable to express it this way and went back to therapy to get a handle on it. I was told by him I had a problem and couldn't communicate effectively. I have not been the easiest person to live with or love during the pandemic. I do struggle to express myself when I'm really *up there* but can when I've calmed down / let it out / cried etc...he couldn't stand seeing me do it. He needed calm and rational, I needed honesty and support instead of lies of omission and guilt.
The NRE in their relationship is strong. His logic based thought process and my emotional one has caused us to butt heads too many times - the rules and boundaries we had became too trapping for him and I watched our son, me and my marriage suffer. He also attributed a lot of his stress and lack of executive function to being around me.
Conversations we would have would be heavy for me to listen to without emotional support. I could recall them perfectly before being told I had misremembered it.
He wanted to go and stay with his gf for a week or two every few months, I understood this and would have felt better about it if the equality was already there in my own relationship. Instead, he would try and tell me what he would do to step up just before he was due to leave. I didn't need it then, I needed to see it consistently so we could both take some independence away from parenting and responsibilities. Again, we would argue our viewpoint and get defensive.
The arguments became too much for him, he fell out of love with me and decided to leave. I have no fight left.
Now he's out of a relationship with me he says he can be the parent he knows he can be and we're going to be co-parenting once he's settled in a new place. He has made some effort to see our son.
It hasn't all been bad, we had some really good times. We started couples counseling and he quit after 2 sessions before leaving for good.
I'm struggling to understand if a) he was using his diagnosis and new found identity as an excuse. b) We'd been living a lie before all of this. c) I really am a controlling person who didn't let him get involved / making up the parts of conversations he couldn't remember d) we just grew apart when his priorities changed or e) open relationships are not for me after all.
This is also my first long term relationship and first love so the breakup feels much harder.
Thank you for reading if you have.