old hand facing new issues

A

AJM

New member
I'm 50 & healthy and quite open on issues of relationships and sexuality. I have been in open/non-standard relationships for 5+ years now.

My previous girlfriend and I had a typical hotwife relationship. She dated. A lot. Well, they would take her out to dinner, a hotel, then she'd come home. No real "romance" going on. She played, I didn't. Everything was fine in that respect.

My current partner was a little wild before we met tho she's slowed down in the last couple years before we met. When we started seeing each other 3 years ago I told her about my previous relationship. She said "Oh, she'd never do that to me." even though I explained it was MY idea. I think she was just telling me what most guys, or what women THINK most guys want to hear.

We had a couple GREAT years mono and building the relationship. We're both NUTS over each other and we're the best lovers each other has ever had.

About 6 months ago I had to take a job in a remote city. It's 6 hours away. I only get home every 2-3 weeks for a weekend. Summer hit and 2 months into the remoteness she asked if she could date. Of course I said "YES" and she suggested we BOTH date. I'm lonely too. She's met tons of people and had a number of dates.

Me: zero, zip, zilch. I don't know why it's bugging me so much. If I didn't want to date it'd be perfectly OK. I keep it all bottled up because I don't want her to feel guilty she's having success and I'm not and I CERTAINLY don't want her to sit home alone. This isn't a competition and I'm not treating it like one.

Any other poly couples out there where there's a relationship disparity like this?

This is the fourth time I've made this thread. I keep typing it up then deleting it because I feel stupid and childish. I'm not jealous, I just feel inadequate.
 
AJM said:
I'm 50 & healthy and quite open on issues of relationships and sexuality. I have been in open/non-standard relationships for 5+ years now.

My previous girlfriend and I had a typical hotwife relationship. She dated. A lot. Well, they would take her out to dinner, a hotel, then she'd come home. No real "romance" going on. She played, I didn't. Everything was fine in that respect.

My current partner was a little wild before we met tho she's slowed down in the last couple years before we met. When we started seeing each other 3 years ago I told her about my previous relationship. She said "Oh, she'd never do that to me." even though I explained it was MY idea. I think she was just telling me what most guys, or what women THINK most guys want to hear.

We had a couple GREAT years mono and building the relationship. We're both NUTS over each other and we're the best lovers each other has ever had.

About 6 months ago I had to take a job in a remote city. It's 6 hours away. I only get home every 2-3 weeks for a weekend. Summer hit and 2 months into the remoteness she asked if she could date. Of course I said "YES" and she suggested we BOTH date. I'm lonely too. She's met tons of people and had a number of dates.

Me: zero, zip, zilch. I don't know why it's bugging me so much. If I didn't want to date it'd be perfectly OK. I keep it all bottled up because I don't want her to feel guilty she's having success and I'm not and I CERTAINLY don't want her to sit home alone. This isn't a competition and I'm not treating it like one.

Any other poly couples out there where there's a relationship disparity like this?

This is the fourth time I've made this thread. I keep typing it up then deleting it because I feel stupid and childish. I'm not jealous, I just feel inadequate.
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Where are you looking? What can you offer?
 
I think in general it's harder for a man to find partners than a woman, especially if the man is in an established relationship. Even when it's an open, ethical arrangement, the "cheating" stigma still exists. I know some single women--and even some women in open marriages--who flat out won't date ANY man who's married or in a relationship, regardless of whether the guy is--or claims to be--in an ethical arrangement. (And unfortunately, I've also known a number of men who have flat out lied about being in an open marriage; they were cheating, but said otherwise so they could actually get laid.)

When Hubby and I opened our marriage, I had three dates within the first month (two were with guys I'd been friends with longer than I've known Hubby; I'd hooked up with one of them a couple of times before Hubby and I met). Hubby only managed to find one woman who was willing to touch him, and she turned out to be... um, not such a healthy choice. Even though Hubby says he's monogamous, he also says that he wouldn't object to having another sexual partner--but that it's way too much effort to find one.

MightyMax asks you a good question: What can you offer another partner? What are you presenting to these women that might make them say "Wow, I have to meet this guy!"
 
And of course all the standard dating advice applies. Have you joined hobby clubs in your current location? Hanging out in chat rooms or multiplayer games you enjoy? Started volunteering? Let any trustworthy friends know you are looking? As an old hand these are probably things you are already doing but with all the emphasis on OKC et al I thought I would include them as a change of pace.
 
Hi AJM,

KC43 is right, men usually have a harder time finding dates than women do, especially if the man already has a partner. I'm not sure why, but there it is. You should see how many men have come to this forum in the past asking what they're doing wrong. Often they're not doing anything wrong.

If you can give us more details about what you've tried so far, maybe we can give more suggestions.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Uuuugh! For some reason I can't post from my phone because the security image won't display, so here's my responses:

I'm a great guy and I think I have a LOT of offer a partner. I'm not going to list 2 dozen descriptive terms because that's not the real issue here.

I'm doing all of the things I would do if I was 100% single, except online dating, but again that's not the real issue here.



kdt26417 said:
Hi AJM,

KC43 is right, men usually have a harder time finding dates than women do, especially if the man already has a partner. I'm not sure why, but there it is. You should see how many men have come to this forum in the past asking what they're doing wrong. Often they're not doing anything wrong.

If you can give us more details about what you've tried so far, maybe we can give more suggestions.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Hi Kevin. Yeah, I find it odd that women have a much easier time getting dates but I think it's because of the way men are wired.

But again, everyone has advice on getting dates but no one's addressing the real issue: FEELINGS. Certainly other people have had something similar.

When my last relationship ended we would still talk. She's tell me about all of the guys she was going out with. Dinners, hotels, etc... I didn't date for 2 months and the whole time she was begging me to go out.

I started attending activities and met my current partner at the first group meeting (it was her first time with this event as well). We connected fast and we fell hard! After 2 or 3 weeks my ex asked that I stop talking about my current GF. She was feeling bad because while she had many dates with many men, they were all shallow and meaningless (her words) and she was envious that I had met someone and formed a deep connection.

So here I am back at the beginning of the discussion. How do couples deal with disparity in their individual endeavors? It might be the same kinds of feelings if a regular Joe was dating a movie star. Might be hard, everywhere you go, having dozens or hundreds of people fawning over your date.

I do very much appreciate everyone's input and support.

(so last night I put a profile on a popular dating site and have over a dozen emails and "want to meet" messages. but as we all know, that in-and-of itself doesn't really mean anything)
 
Well, I think you already have a fairly good attitude about the disparity in your experiences, in that you do recognize that it's not meant to be a competition or a race. It really is necessary to leave all whiffs of comparison behind if you want to feel okay about where you are right now. Also, like any period of loneliness, it's good to remind ourselves that it's not going to be forever. The best thing to do, perhaps, is to go out and do things you enjoy where you interact with people, so you don't feel like you're missing out too much on human contact.

I also think your gf may be oversharing her dating successes with you, especially since she knows you used to really be into hearing about it with your past relationship. But now, you want to date and it's not happening, so I don't think it is unreasonable to ask your gf to stop oversharing. You don't have to guilt-trip her, just gently say that it's been a little difficult to hear about her exploits when nothing's been happening for you, and you need a little break on getting all those details, for now.

Of course, the only real way to handle feelings is to feel them and not try to push them away. When you allow your feelings to be what they are, they run their course and eventually shift and change, and won't have power over you any longer. But as long as you avoid them or see those feelings as problematic, they will be just that.

Just curious, where are you located? You can PM me if you don't want to say publicly.
 
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nycindie said:
I also think your gf may be oversharing her dating successes with you, especially since she knows you used to really be into hearing about it with your past relationship. But now, you want to date and it's not happening, so I don't think it is unreasonable to ask your gf to stop oversharing. You don't have to guilt-trip her, just gently say that it's been a little difficult to hear about her exploits when nothing's been happening for you, and you need a little break on getting all those details, for now.

Just curious, where are you located? You can PM me if you don't want to say publicly.
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No, I'll suffer a million deaths before I say anything to her. I don't want her to feel guilty or change a thing she's doing. I want her to be as free and as happy as she wants.

Just typing it out "in public" has been more therapeutic than anything since I don't have anyone IRL to talk to about this. I'm gonna keep my chin up, smile on and hopes high.

I'm back home this weekend and we're having a great time.

Oh, I'm living in Buffalo, NY now.

Edit: there's a lot of info on morethantwo that another member recommended that I've found to be helpful.
 
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Hi AJM,

Oh yes, I hear you! It can be really rough when this happens. I've dealt with it myself too. I'm female and only date females, whilst my main partner is female but primarily dates men. My dating pool is simply smaller than hers is. When my online dating profile was set to bisexual, I think I was averaging 200 views a week, and about 20 messages a day. Once I changed it to lesbian, it dropped to something like 20 views a week and maybe 5 messages a month, if that. This highlights very, very clearly that it is generally easier for women who are looking for men.

I too have been through periods where I've felt absolutely sucky about it. Here's what helped me.

First and foremost, I finally accepted it! Perspective is everything. The sooner you simply accept that your partner is likely to get more dating action than you, the sooner you will find peace.

Secondly, I changed my approach. My partner (not so) gently pointed out to me that when I'd go to events, I'd have my back to the room and be focusing all of my attention on her rather than being open to the strangers around me. She pointed out a number of other things to do with my body language and the vibe I was giving out. It was actually really helpful. I'd been going through a hard time and hadn't been feeling my usual outgoing, warm self for a while. This snapped me out of it. The next time I went to an event, I projected warmth, openness, confidence and happiness. I met three or four new people that night. Over the next few months, I met even more people. Prior to this, I'd been striking out every single time I went out. Something to think about.

Thirdly, I reflected on the personality and physical differences between myself and my partner. I'd say that we're both about as attractive as one another, but we have a very different look. The way that my partner looks - particularly her body shape and the way she dresses - sends the majority of men she meets absolutely fucking gaga! She is aware of this and knows how to work it. She's also EXTREMELY gregarious, flirtatious, highly sexualised, etc. She's magnetic in a high-volume way. I'm magnetic in a lower-volume way: I'm more reserved, I'm warm rather than gregarious, I'm seductive and a little intriguing rather than overtly sexualised. Consequently, my partner finds it easier to *meet* potential dates and make lots of new acquaintances. But... I have a better time hanging onto them, and the relationships I do have tend to be less turbulent.

i listed the differences not to talk about myself, but to give you specific areas to think about. I'm not suggesting here that you try to be someone that you are not. I'm suggesting that you reflect on any areas in which you could be more open and welcoming to people, if any exist, and that you accept what aspects of your personality might mean that you receive fewer dates, if that's the case.

Finally, after all of this, I stopped obsessing over it. I took a break from online dating. I took a break from looking. I took a break from going to events on a mission to find someone and focused on going to events just to have fun. One thing I started focusing hugely on was myself! I started investing tons of time in things that I love doing, on personal growth, on wellbeing, etc. I learned to stop validating myself based on how many dates I could score vs how many my partner could score, which was a really, really helpful thing! Not only did this help me to become more self-fulfilled and self-confident... it also seems to have had a positive effect on my previously dire love life: I just met a wonderful new woman and also reconnected with a former partner. I think that the cliche of focusing on yourself first actually does hold a lot of weight, and I do find that when I'm comparing myself to others quite significantly, this is often an indicator that I would be better stepping back and looking inward for a while.

I can honestly say that, nowadays, when my partner has a string of men waiting in line for her, I chuckle to myself. I'm happy for her and it doesn't get me down. There may be times in the future that it does, and the way I look at that is that it's *ok*: sometimes things feel bad, and there's nothing to panic about when negative feelings arise.

I hope this helps. :)
 
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Re (from AJM):
"But again, everyone has advice on getting dates but no one's addressing the real issue: *feelings.*"
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Do you mean feelings of inadequacy? I suppose that by doing stuff you're good at, you can build up your feelings of self-confidence and maybe that would help.
 
I'm having a similar issue with my husband. It is so uneven out there for poly men.Most of the poly women are looking for a single man or a bi woman.
I think he is better trying to meet people in person but it's still difficult. Good for you for not wanting to bring her down.
 
Holy shit you guys are awesome! I feel a million times better! Thanks!
 
I hate to admit this but as a poly woman I will never date a partnered poly man ever again. I have tried several times and I had nothing but issues. Not from the man but from his partner trying to put her two cents or control over my relationship. Yeah that crap don't fly with me. There are plenty of single men who like their free time who were more than happy to date a woman who didn't want to be attached to their hip.
 
Dagferi said:
I hate to admit this but as a poly woman I will never date a partnered poly man ever again. I have tried several times and I had nothing but issues. Not from the man but from his partner trying to put her two cents or control over my relationship.
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My experience, too, and why I will never again get involved with an attached poly man, no matter how much he thinks he has to offer.
 
Dagferi said:
I hate to admit this but as a poly woman I will never date a partnered poly man ever again. I have tried several times and I had nothing but issues. Not from the man but from his partner trying to put her two cents or control over my relationship. Yeah that crap don't fly with me. There are plenty of single men who like their free time who were more than happy to date a woman who didn't want to be attached to their hip.
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Just out of interest, why doesn't these "issues" apply to you as a partnered poly woman? If you are confident that you can have additional partners without your other relationship(s) suffocating them, why do you think you'd never find a guy who could do the same?
 
MightyMax said:
If you are confident that you can have additional partners without your other relationship(s) suffocating them, why do you think you'd never find a guy who could do the same?
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I think Dagferi was very clear about why she chooses not to date partnered men. She said she tried several times to date poly men who were partnered, and experienced "nothing but issues" when her metamours attempted to manage or exert control over her elationships with those guys. Once bitten, twice shy - you know? Besides, I think Dagferi's content with her two husbands.

I don't think she's ever said she thinks she'll "never find" someone partnered who manages his relationships well or in a way that meshes well with her life. It just may be a lot more work to find someone than she has time or energy for. It's easier to date someone who isn't partnered, if you want to avoid the kind of input or drama that's possible with a metamour.

I feel similarly. I won't categorically refuse to date a partnered poly guy, but I'd be very cautious about it and would ask a lot more questions before getting involved than I would with an unattached guy.
 
nycindie said:
I think Dagferi was very clear about why she chooses not to date partnered men. She said she tried several times to date poly men who were partnered, and experienced "nothing but issues" when her metamours attempted to manage or exert control over her elationships with those guys. Once bitten, twice shy - you know? Besides, I think Dagferi's content with her two husbands.

I don't think she's ever said she thinks she'll "never find" someone partnered who manages his relationships well or in a way that meshes well with her life. It just may be a lot more work to find someone than she has time or energy for. It's easier to date someone who isn't partnered, if you want to avoid the kind of input or drama that's possible with a metamour.

I feel similarly. I won't categorically refuse to date a partnered poly guy, but I'd be very cautious about it and would ask a lot more questions before getting involved than I would with an unattached guy.
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Of course I understand that a partnered person potentially requires more screening than single person. But a single poly person can easily develop new relationships and then you're left with the possibility of a hinge person who mismanages their relationships anyway. The only thing that might be in your favor is that you came first.

Those problems that come with metamours are only avoided completely by dating monogamous people, not single people.
 
MightyMax said:
Just out of interest, why doesn't these "issues" apply to you as a partnered poly woman? If you are confident that you can have additional partners without your other relationship(s) suffocating them, why do you think you'd never find a guy who could do the same?
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They do not apply to me because I never have allowed either of my husbands to dictate how my relationship goes with the other. Even very early on I never allowed Butch to put a limit on the time I spent with Murf, how fast the relationship progressed, or etc. I do not care that he was "here first" I am not his property and if he doesn't trust me or if I am not doing right by our relationship he is perfectly free to leave it.

Murf understands that I have kids, pets, a house, etc, and that sometimes I am not free to do things at the spur of the moment. He is OK with not being attached at the hip to me. He prefers not really having anything to do with Butch Actually he never wanted to get married until he met me because he does need his space every now and again.

After trying to date close to a dozen poly guys I found that their wives/gfs wanted to dictate when, where, how deep our feelings went how quickly and or what sexual activity we could do when. I am a grown up and do not needed permission to have sex with a willing partner. Some would interrupt our time with texts, calls or etc. Others wanted to be instant bffs, required to hang out with me, text me, Facebook friend me, sorry I am picky about my friends. I do not want someone I am not in a relationship with setting roles and boundaries over my relationships.

I had the same problem when Butch was dating. The women he was seeing wanted to put their noses into my relationship with him and etc. Hell one gf wanted to put her control over my relationship with Murf. Telling Butch to make me see him less since it wasn't fair that I had it easy and could see Murf for overnights and etc and she was jealous because her kids were smaller and her husband wouldn't "babysit". Butch quickly dumped that one. He ended up not actively looking anymore because it was too big a headache. Butch is still free to date all he wants but jokingly quotes Sheldon from the big bang theory.. "Bitches be crazy"
 
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Dagferi said:
They do not apply to me because I never have allowed either of my husbands to dictate how my relationship goes with the other. Even very early on I never allowed Butch to put a limit on the time I spent with Murf, how fast the relationship progressed, or etc. I do not care that he was "here first" I am not his property and if he doesn't trust me or if I am not doing right by our relationship he is perfectly free to leave it.

Murf understands that I have kids, pets, a house, etc, and that sometimes I am not free to do things at the spur of the moment. He is OK with not being attached at the hip to me. He prefers not really having anything to do with Butch Actually he never wanted to get married until he met me because he does need his space every now and again.

After trying to date close to a dozen poly guys I found that their wives/gfs wanted to dictate when, where, how deep our feelings went how quickly and or what sexual activity we could do when. I am a grown up and do not needed permission to have sex with a willing partner. Some would interrupt our time with texts, calls or etc. Others wanted to be instant bffs, required to hang out with me, text me, Facebook friend me, sorry I am picky about my friends. I do not want someone I am not in a relationship with setting roles and boundaries over my relationships.

I had the same problem when Butch was dating. The women he was seeing wanted to put their noses into my relationship with him and etc. Hell one gf wanted to put her control over my relationship with Murf. Telling Butch to make me see him less since it wasn't fair that I had it easy and could see Murf for overnights and etc and she was jealous because her kids were smaller and her husband wouldn't "babysit". Butch quickly dumped that one. He ended up not actively looking anymore because it was too big a headache. Butch is still free to date all he wants but jokingly quotes Sheldon from the big bang theory.. "Bitches be crazy"
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This this this. It can be difficult to date partnered people, I am learning this myself. For some reason I find there's less drama between men in hinge with a woman, than the other way around. Just a social observation and probably not true in all situations, but just my own opinion...
 
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