One partner stays, the other goes - but isn't gone?

[sirenyaazi]

So I am new to this forum.
Last night one of my live in partners left to stay with his parents to help them out with a financial thing. ((Or so he says, at this point I am not involved in anything with his family because I entered his life as a 'married person' so there would be a lot of questions and awkward answers on his part. So I am on the outs as to what is said/done/true in his family setting)).
In any case he lived with me for a few months and now has left. He swears that our relationship has not ended and I am going to hold him to that, but dealing with the sudden lack of his presence in my home and daily life is gut wrenching.
However, my other partner who is still living with me is having to comfort me and I feel very bad for having put this burden on him. I do not want him to feel like he is not loved, or that just because I'm super sad about the loss of my other partner that I don't still want him or appreciate him. They are both loved and important.
I also don't really know how to go from living with someone and then not, but stay in the relationship. I've never done that before. Has anyone else?
I don't want to make him feel bad for having to leave so I want to avoid telling him how much I miss him but I still feel like if I don't say that I miss him he will feel badly. Kind of a rock and a hard place.
Also; I am notorious for overthinking and over analyzing so I'm probably doing that now and completely acknowledge that, but still it would be great to hear of other people's experiences with these things.
I don't know how to handle it and I keep falling apart, which isn't okay. I need to be okay for my other partners as well as for the one who left. I just don't know how to do that.
Any and all suggestions are pretty much welcome at this point.

Thank you so much for your time.
Blessedbe~

 

[Magdlyn]

So I am new to this forum.

Welcome. I hope we can help you.

Last night one of my live in partners left to stay with his parents to help them out with a financial thing. ((Or so he says, at this point I am not involved in anything with his family because I entered his life as a 'married person' so there would be a lot of questions and awkward answers on his part. So I am on the outs as to what is said/done/true in his family setting)).

I do not understand why, just because you are married to Hubby, you can't ask questions of Boyfriend and both deal with whatever "awkwardness" ensues. Isn't it better to know than to guess? Wouldn't a fuller understanding of his relationship with his parents encourage more intimacy between the two of you? Which you seem to need now, since you're feeling a lack of intimacy since he chose to move out.

In any case he lived with me for a few months and now has left. He swears that our relationship has not ended and I am going to hold him to that, but dealing with the sudden lack of his presence in my home and daily life is gut wrenching.

That is understandable.

However, my other partner who is still living with me is having to comfort me and I feel very bad for having put this burden on him. I do not want him to feel like he is not loved, or that just because I'm super sad about the loss of my other partner that I don't still want him or appreciate him. They are both loved and important.

My live-in partner has supported me after sad breakups I have had with others. And vice versa. We are empathetic friends as well as lovers. I think many poly couples deal in this issue. But maybe some are better at it than others. It's good you came here, so you can vent and not dump it all on Hubby, though.

You can still show Hubby love and appreciation after venting some about missing Boyfriend.

I also don't really know how to go from living with someone and then not, but stay in the relationship. I've never done that before. Has anyone else?
I don't want to make him feel bad for having to leave so I want to avoid telling him how much I miss him but I still feel like if I don't say that I miss him he will feel badly. Kind of a rock and a hard place.

His way of dealing with your expressed grief is on him. You shouldn't be managing his emotions for him.

Also; I am notorious for overthinking and over analyzing so I'm probably doing that now and completely acknowledge that, but still it would be great to hear of other people's experiences with these things.
I don't know how to handle it and I keep falling apart, which isn't okay. I need to be okay for my other partners as well as for the one who left. I just don't know how to do that.

Actually, you don't "need to be OK" for everyone, all day, every day. You're allowed to have emotions and express them. You don't need to (pretend to) be the strong tough one.

 

[sirenyaazi]

re:Magdlyn's reply

Thank you, so much, for your reply.
It helps to see encouragement and kindness.
I tried to talk to a couple of friends and both gave me a various reply of 'you have a husband, why are you upset?'
It is much more heartening to see replies from people who understand. ♥

I understand now that the mention of his family life may be a bit confusing. he hasn't 'come out' as poly to his family. He doesn't want them to know because they would not understand or accept it/him, or at least he feels they won't. I don't know I haven't met them.

The 'rock' position in my relationships is often the one I end up taking, where I'm the steady one who is in charge and often I forget that I can just be a mess and it's okay. I get a little lost in my tendencies to be the one leaned upon that I forget it's okay to lean on others. Thank you for that reminder. ♥

 

[Becca]

Do you feel like you are invested in the escalator theory of relationships? That's the mainstream mono-centric model where every relationship starts with casial dating, gets serious, you move in, get a dog, get married, have babies, and grow old. It's a prescribed escalator that just goes up. Any movement off course spells the end of the relationship.

This really isn't practical for poly relationships. Poly folks can't move every partner in and have babies, unless you have a really big house!

If you can see the escalator for what it is (a mono construct that doesn't serve you), you can see that it's possible to move relationships to different places as your needs require-- sometimes up, sometimes down, sometimes sideways.

It's totally possible to continue a relationship when you no longer cohabitate.

 

[sirenyaazi]

re: beccas reply

Do you feel like you are invested in the escalator theory of relationships? That's the mainstream mono-centric model where every relationship starts with casial dating, gets serious, you move in, get a dog, get married, have babies, and grow old. It's a prescribed escalator that just goes up. Any movement off course spells the end of the relationship.

This really isn't practical for poly relationships. Poly folks can't move every partner in and have babies, unless you have a really big house!

If you can see the escalator for what it is (a mono construct that doesn't serve you), you can see that it's possible to move relationships to different places as your needs require-- sometimes up, sometimes down, sometimes sideways.

It's totally possible to continue a relationship when you no longer cohabitate.

Becca, that is something I had not thought about! I had not thought of things outside that type of mindset and having you point it out is very comforting and thought provoking.

That actually helps a lot. Thank you for pointing it out. I'm going to read up on that a bit. ♥

 

[kdt26417]

Re (from sirenyaazi):

"He hasn't 'come out' as poly to his family."

Okay, but even if he doesn't tell his family about you, can't he tell you about his family? He said he was leaving to stay with his parents to help them out with a financial thing. Did he give you any details? Without details it is harder to believe that he isn't just running away from you.

I don't blame you for feeling upset, I would too.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.

 

[GalaGirl]

I don't want to make him feel bad for having to leave so I want to avoid telling him how much I miss him but I still feel like if I don't say that I miss him he will feel badly. Kind of a rock and a hard place.

Let his emotional management be HIS job. Stop trying to do it for him in advance because you believe you control his feelings. You don't MAKE him feel things. He just experiences some feelings. If you really could MAKE people feel things, you could wave a wand and MAKE yourself feel happy right now.

Do your job -- your emotional management. If what you need to lighten the load is to unpack the bag? Go ahead and EXPRESS how you feel. Tell him you miss him. Because it is true. Become willing to be emotionally honest.

I don't know how to handle it and I keep falling apart, which isn't okay.

Instead of viewing expressing the less fun feelings as "falling apart" how about just viewing it as "needing to express some feelings?" Why is it not ok to express your feelings?

I need to be okay for my other partners as well as for the one who left. I just don't know how to do that.

If you mean "okay" like "don't express anything" -- that's not healthy.

If you mean "okay" like "healthy? Rather than living life as an emotionally clogged up person? Express. That is how you can return to baseline ok. Not high like "happy wheee!" And not low like "doom." Just a nice middle road baseline "I am content and ok."

Whether sunny days or stormy skies... emotional weather is just weather. Whether it is from the fun collection to experience (happy, excited) or the less fun collection to experience (sad, mad, scared).... in time they all pass.

So express how you feel in appropriate ways and help let it out and pass faster. Don't be holding it in. You seem to know holding it all in feels uncomfortable and triggers you overthinking stuff.

Any and all suggestions are pretty much welcome at this point.

Find a safe friend to air out with.

BF that moved out -- Express that you miss him.

BF that is here -- Express to BF that you appreciate his extra support at this time while you are sad.

Keep it simpler on yourself -- just report your weather so people know where you are at. They are not mind readers.


Galagirl

 

[sirenyaazi]

the other shoe dropped

Well my instincts were right on the money.
The boyfriend sent me a text he didn't mean for me to see that was clearly for another partner, but refused to admit to it.
I went and picked up a thing from him and reassured him that it was okay to want to be monogamous but to have lead me on and 'ghost' me was cruel and cowardly.
He agreed to be friends. Things are over. I am very glad he messed up and accidentally texted that to me.

 

[Magdlyn]

Well my instincts were right on the money.
The boyfriend sent me a text he didn't mean for me to see that was clearly for another partner, but refused to admit to it.
I went and picked up a thing from him and reassured him that it was okay to want to be monogamous but to have lead me on and 'ghost' me was cruel and cowardly.
He agreed to be friends. Things are over. I am very glad he messed up and accidentally texted that to me.

Oh gosh! I wasn't expecting that to happen, and I didn't see where you had a suspicion he was seeing someone else and trying to fade away. Excuse me, but what a cowardly bitch.

 

[Magdlyn]

Sorry to get emotional for your sake! I am wondering how long you knew bf before he moved in with you? Did you know much about his history of relationships and polyamory before moving him in?

 

[GalaGirl]

I went and picked up a thing from him and reassured him that it was okay to want to be monogamous but to have lead me on and 'ghost' me was cruel and cowardly.

Yes it was! Very cowardly.

Glad you expressed that directly to him.

While I am sorry things ended this way I am glad you are able to be more direct about reporting what you think/feel.

Galagirl

 

[sirenyaazi]

response magdlyn

Oh gosh! I wasn't expecting that to happen, and I didn't see where you had a suspicion he was seeing someone else and trying to fade away. Excuse me, but what a cowardly bitch.

Hey there Magdlyn! Don't even worry about saying excuse me, that is actually what he is - a coward. ((plus i cuss like a sailor irl so it's no problem lol))

I had been trying to avoid broadcasting my suspicions because he had kept reassuring me, kissing me deeply and holding me tightly, before he left. He had kept saying he loved me, that our relationship wasn't over. I have known for some time that he was done, but he wouldn't admit it. Perhaps because he was living with me, which is totally understandable. I don't agree with not telling me, avoiding me, etc. He should have told me before he left, or even called me and asked to meet to tell me.
Finally when I went to pick something up from him last night (an expensive gift I didn't feel that a lying person deserved at this point - he had known before I gave it to him so he had no qualms giving it back) I got him to tell me the truth. He is not in love with me. I told him that is fine, had he been honest it would not have ended up badly. I even said we could be friends. I do not expect that to stay the course.

He still won't admit that the text was meant for a person that was not a parent. ((It was not meant for his parent - he said something along the lines of "thank you for sticking it out" etc. Plus I know enough small details gleamed from his conversations with people to know his parents don't fit the words said)). I'll be getting tested for STD's because unfaithful and lying partners are something that happen in all relationship styles, obviously, hehehe.

I feel a little used.
And very betrayed, mostly because I'm being lied to.
A HUGE relief though, to know. To not be sitting by my phone all the time and wondering why he isn't calling/texting like he said he would.

 

[sirenyaazi]

response to magdlyn 2

Sorry to get emotional for your sake! I am wondering how long you knew bf before he moved in with you? Did you know much about his history of relationships and polyamory before moving him in?

Actually we only knew each other a few weeks.
He was homeless and I didn't want him to freeze in the weather that was fastly approaching.

He wasn't very open about things of his previous lifestyle and I made him get tested before I would do anything. Drove him there myself.
But he was very animate about being poly, about liking me and wanting to be my life partner.
As time went by about a month after he moved in things started changing. Stuff in his past turned up and he was being hurt. Honestly, I think being in a relationship with me was a little too intense for him. He needed to move back to his parents and I had suggested it a couple times before he finally did it.

 

[sirenyaazi]

re gala girl

Yes it was! Very cowardly.

Glad you expressed that directly to him.

While I am sorry things ended this way I am glad you are able to be more direct about reporting what you think/feel.

Galagirl

I had been as direct as I could without him getting mad or defensive. He would say "I don't know why you think that" when I would express concern over our relationship or how he was feeling towards me. I didn't have any foundation and just my instincts and he would logic them away one by one. So when he insisted, upon leaving, I just trusted him to the best of my ability.
Again, very glad he messed up and accidentally texted me or I would have never known.

 

[IndieSolo]

Well, I am sorry you're hurting right now. To me it seems that you were a lifeline for him when he was homeless and he tried to really participate in the relationship, but in truth you were a kind soul offering a warm bed and a roof over his head. So, he took what you gave him until he felt able to move on. I think that, eventually, you will be able to get past the feeling of being used and forgive him. But for now, I know it sucks.

((((HUGS))))

 

[GalaGirl]

I am sorry you are hurt and hope you heal from the break up in time.

I was assuming he lived in his own space and was financially secure. But in light of this info?

Actually we only knew each other a few weeks. He was homeless and I didn't want him to freeze in the weather that was fastly approaching.

I think next time you offer someone a bed and food, just let it be that. Bed and food. Or offer a ride to his parents.

Do not offer dating or sex. Don't date them til they are in their own place, back on their feet, and mentally healthy. Being homeless can be a lot of stress and cloud judgement/thinking.

Otherwise you dating a homeless person who is beholden to you for room and board is very weird dynamic.

You can't be sure they are telling you the truth or just saying whatever so they don't get kicked out into freezing homelessness.

And on the flip side, they might not feel able to be themselves and be totally honest with you about things they do not like in the relationship from fear you kicking them out.

Maybe it was about survival for him and not so much being a coward? At this point who knows? There def was weird there somewhere.

The main thins is that you are out of it. I hope things look up for you.

Galagirl