A long read...
As laid out in my posting history I have a long-term nesting partner and HAD a boyfriend (the Surfer) of a couple of years who just got his cancer removed.
For those familiar with my journey, he had prostate surgery about 3 weeks ago, and while I knew we were winding our sexual relationship down I had thought we were on the journey just a little longer, that I'd help sexually rehabilitate him and then we'd de-esculate and he'd go find the One aka Couchgirl (someone to sit and watch tv with at the end of everyday)...
Anyway whilst we might only see eachother once a week due to distance I had gone to appointments with him, helped him work out what treatment he wanted to do. The days immediately after the surgery he was sending me the unpleasant pics of his scar, catheter in penis etc and then clearly went through an awful week where he was suffering, didn't want visitors - I respected this, the texts died down and never ramped up... We'd talk on the phone every 2 or 3 days, I stayed proactively messaging him.
But during the week he was really suffering I was up his way on other business and asked please let me help in some way, I didn't have to see him, just walk the dog, anything. I respected that he didn't want this but emotionally it really threw me. I was in deep grief for his suffering/because my way of coping in tough times is to help/grieving for the possible end of our sex life due to side effects and I was really really sad and troubled.
I'd been fighting a bit with my nesting partner before this as we were both going through a stressful time with work but it felt to me too like he (nesting partner) wasn't able to be there for me emotionally at a time I really needed him. A learning curve maybe as this is our 1st poly experience, maybe he can't and I shouldn't have expected he could.
But the result was despite having 2 men in my life I don't think I'd felt so alone and on my own as that week.
Then the week after I had been exposed to covid so chose to stay away.
So then 2 days ago I finally get to see the boyfriend, he's way more mobile and well than I expected, and we only had an hour we could talk privately.
Whilst not showing any signs of things being amiss while we sat together, basically it came out that he felt he was going to be fine sexually and our sex life was over because there was never going to be a future with me.
This is all stuff gone over in past posts so it was no shock, but he didn't seem to hear me when I said all I really wanted was 1 full night together which we hadn't done for a really long time and a conscious goodbye followed by some no contact... I can't force him so of course I have to accept that is his stance but I bring this up because it just felt to me like he didn't believe I meant it (no contact) and he thought I was trying to string it all along, when actually he may have made his mind up about this in that dark week but it was new to me (although on the cards).
I was calm and accepting at the time, have only really cried a couple of tears since and generally I think hurt so much before that I can just see it's good for us to be over. I don't want to be with anyone who can take someone on that journey, complete with horrific photos and then cut them out completely.
We both want to retain the friendship which along with sex was our first dynamic but it's not healthy for me to loiter around checking in on him when he has no capacity to care for me.
Neither of us has messaged the other since, the norm would be me reaching out. I feel like I could be ghosting him but what does that say about him and his communication...
Because he didn't seem to hear me say no contact I kind of want to show him I really can and - would have done it if he gave us that goodbye - but I wonder if it's right to not say something to acknowledge I'm not ghosting I'm helping create the space he clearly wants...
But then if I communicate that I feel like I'd like to let him know how badly he hurt me by cutting me out. Not hurt me 2 days ago but 2 weeks ago. I haven't hurt that badly in years.
And then I just think I'd rather let go and come back to that conversation later when time has passed, he might be more open to explaining what has gone on for him, and I'd be less raw... although I'm not actually hurting any more just the love has died down.
I have so much space and compassion for his cancer journey, the surgery means his dick has shrunk, maybe he wants me to remember him in his prime.
The words he said... could have been said with more thought and he's not got a great EQ - but in there I felt he could have said - I'm content with you so you hold me back from pursuing couchgirl... in between the lines... He did openly say he loved me which he had stopped saying once we became more than friends...
Anyway that's the surfer saga...
- is it OK to just leave it there or should I message?
- if I do should I unpack a little of the angst I didn't share (maybe not because he's gone through a lot)? I do want us to be real friends, it will need to come out at sometime.
The plus of all of this is I did not want to abandon the surfer and technically I didn't...
Onto the nesting partner...
Things aren't good with us, we both set eachother off.
He seems to be triggered by any talk of me finding a new boyfriend. I'm not in a rush but I'm not going to 'go back into the box'.
I realise now while in the beginning he liked me unpacking my stuff with the Surfer with him, as it became more than just talk about him (surfer) being emotionally unavailable he (nesting partner) became uncomfortable or unable to be a support for me.
He did want me to bail out once we knew cancer was a possibility.
The surfer's ex has been back in the picture (as a friend but they/we have baggage) when I made food to bring on Tuesday my nesting partner I guess jokingly said my food would be worse than hers, and he (NP) maybe she's got something to do with him making the break... which is a possibility but also something that doesn't need re-enforcing. He's said it twice, I don't see that as being helpful, if it's the case for them so be it...
At the same time as being combative with me, NP comes and physically spends time near me, which I find a bit stifling. But also see it's a move for connection.
I think we're both a bit confused right now, I don't think we've been this close to breaking up in years. We're still a long way from that but if we don't find ways to repair it could happen.
I literally feel like I had to really work at getting the small amount of compassion I've seen come from him. It didn't last long either...
He clearly resents that I'm not wanting to go back to monoamory, I'm not gagging to go solo dating but the weekly dates and other relationship gave me space to explore myself and I grieved losing that in my week/10 days of sorrow.
I'm about to take up some new hobbies, and will make time to 'do me' which should help.
My nesting partner first introduced the concept we try poly when he had a crush, it's just I got to properly enact it long-term first.
We live in a non-metropolitan area and I am not sure we could find a poly friendly therapist if we took that route.
When we fight he often brings up what he let's me do etc... I recently let a few friends know I was poly. I worry if we do break up or take a break people will blame us being open when in fact it's more that we're struggling to be kind to eachother.
I will be honest - I looked at him through new eyes when I saw he couldn't or wouldn't be there for me when I needed him.
I don't have any specific questions regarding our tension but would appreciate advice.
As laid out in my posting history I have a long-term nesting partner and HAD a boyfriend (the Surfer) of a couple of years who just got his cancer removed.
For those familiar with my journey, he had prostate surgery about 3 weeks ago, and while I knew we were winding our sexual relationship down I had thought we were on the journey just a little longer, that I'd help sexually rehabilitate him and then we'd de-esculate and he'd go find the One aka Couchgirl (someone to sit and watch tv with at the end of everyday)...
Anyway whilst we might only see eachother once a week due to distance I had gone to appointments with him, helped him work out what treatment he wanted to do. The days immediately after the surgery he was sending me the unpleasant pics of his scar, catheter in penis etc and then clearly went through an awful week where he was suffering, didn't want visitors - I respected this, the texts died down and never ramped up... We'd talk on the phone every 2 or 3 days, I stayed proactively messaging him.
But during the week he was really suffering I was up his way on other business and asked please let me help in some way, I didn't have to see him, just walk the dog, anything. I respected that he didn't want this but emotionally it really threw me. I was in deep grief for his suffering/because my way of coping in tough times is to help/grieving for the possible end of our sex life due to side effects and I was really really sad and troubled.
I'd been fighting a bit with my nesting partner before this as we were both going through a stressful time with work but it felt to me too like he (nesting partner) wasn't able to be there for me emotionally at a time I really needed him. A learning curve maybe as this is our 1st poly experience, maybe he can't and I shouldn't have expected he could.
But the result was despite having 2 men in my life I don't think I'd felt so alone and on my own as that week.
Then the week after I had been exposed to covid so chose to stay away.
So then 2 days ago I finally get to see the boyfriend, he's way more mobile and well than I expected, and we only had an hour we could talk privately.
Whilst not showing any signs of things being amiss while we sat together, basically it came out that he felt he was going to be fine sexually and our sex life was over because there was never going to be a future with me.
This is all stuff gone over in past posts so it was no shock, but he didn't seem to hear me when I said all I really wanted was 1 full night together which we hadn't done for a really long time and a conscious goodbye followed by some no contact... I can't force him so of course I have to accept that is his stance but I bring this up because it just felt to me like he didn't believe I meant it (no contact) and he thought I was trying to string it all along, when actually he may have made his mind up about this in that dark week but it was new to me (although on the cards).
I was calm and accepting at the time, have only really cried a couple of tears since and generally I think hurt so much before that I can just see it's good for us to be over. I don't want to be with anyone who can take someone on that journey, complete with horrific photos and then cut them out completely.
We both want to retain the friendship which along with sex was our first dynamic but it's not healthy for me to loiter around checking in on him when he has no capacity to care for me.
Neither of us has messaged the other since, the norm would be me reaching out. I feel like I could be ghosting him but what does that say about him and his communication...
Because he didn't seem to hear me say no contact I kind of want to show him I really can and - would have done it if he gave us that goodbye - but I wonder if it's right to not say something to acknowledge I'm not ghosting I'm helping create the space he clearly wants...
But then if I communicate that I feel like I'd like to let him know how badly he hurt me by cutting me out. Not hurt me 2 days ago but 2 weeks ago. I haven't hurt that badly in years.
And then I just think I'd rather let go and come back to that conversation later when time has passed, he might be more open to explaining what has gone on for him, and I'd be less raw... although I'm not actually hurting any more just the love has died down.
I have so much space and compassion for his cancer journey, the surgery means his dick has shrunk, maybe he wants me to remember him in his prime.
The words he said... could have been said with more thought and he's not got a great EQ - but in there I felt he could have said - I'm content with you so you hold me back from pursuing couchgirl... in between the lines... He did openly say he loved me which he had stopped saying once we became more than friends...
Anyway that's the surfer saga...
- is it OK to just leave it there or should I message?
- if I do should I unpack a little of the angst I didn't share (maybe not because he's gone through a lot)? I do want us to be real friends, it will need to come out at sometime.
The plus of all of this is I did not want to abandon the surfer and technically I didn't...
Onto the nesting partner...
Things aren't good with us, we both set eachother off.
He seems to be triggered by any talk of me finding a new boyfriend. I'm not in a rush but I'm not going to 'go back into the box'.
I realise now while in the beginning he liked me unpacking my stuff with the Surfer with him, as it became more than just talk about him (surfer) being emotionally unavailable he (nesting partner) became uncomfortable or unable to be a support for me.
He did want me to bail out once we knew cancer was a possibility.
The surfer's ex has been back in the picture (as a friend but they/we have baggage) when I made food to bring on Tuesday my nesting partner I guess jokingly said my food would be worse than hers, and he (NP) maybe she's got something to do with him making the break... which is a possibility but also something that doesn't need re-enforcing. He's said it twice, I don't see that as being helpful, if it's the case for them so be it...
At the same time as being combative with me, NP comes and physically spends time near me, which I find a bit stifling. But also see it's a move for connection.
I think we're both a bit confused right now, I don't think we've been this close to breaking up in years. We're still a long way from that but if we don't find ways to repair it could happen.
I literally feel like I had to really work at getting the small amount of compassion I've seen come from him. It didn't last long either...
He clearly resents that I'm not wanting to go back to monoamory, I'm not gagging to go solo dating but the weekly dates and other relationship gave me space to explore myself and I grieved losing that in my week/10 days of sorrow.
I'm about to take up some new hobbies, and will make time to 'do me' which should help.
My nesting partner first introduced the concept we try poly when he had a crush, it's just I got to properly enact it long-term first.
We live in a non-metropolitan area and I am not sure we could find a poly friendly therapist if we took that route.
When we fight he often brings up what he let's me do etc... I recently let a few friends know I was poly. I worry if we do break up or take a break people will blame us being open when in fact it's more that we're struggling to be kind to eachother.
I will be honest - I looked at him through new eyes when I saw he couldn't or wouldn't be there for me when I needed him.
I don't have any specific questions regarding our tension but would appreciate advice.
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