Open/poly with two men who are not really happy

[Kine]

Hi love bugs,

I'm new to this group and would love to share my story with you. I've been married for 6 years (together for 8) from which the past 1,5 years we've been in a open marriage. I've had couple of hook ups and one longer (10 months) sexual relationship. Two months ago I started seeing a guy who has been both mono and poly (prefers mono). He was seeing someone (open relationship) when we met but it ended. He wants to be mono with me, knowing my situation. I've been spending a lot of time with him lately since my husband was traveling and I feel like things are escalating quickly.

My husband has only had 1 casual hook up during this whole time. He has gone to couple of dates but he doesn't seem to find the right kind of people..Or could it be that he in fact doesn't want to be open but is doing this because of me (other option would have been a divorse really)?

Our sex life was never awesome but 3 years ago things changed to worse. I got really depressed and it was really hard for both of us. I cheated and we started having less and less sex. He also got addicted to porn. He was satisfied with that and only rarely approached me for sex. We crew so far apart. When I brought this issue up 2 years ago and started talking about other options, things started to get a little better. He was watching less porn, we actually had sex again. We started practicing more of a spiritual approach to sex and we crew closer despite our open status. For a while now we've been crowing distant again. We barely have sex. Somehow the passion is not there. Haven't been for a long time. I see it getting harder and harder for him to see me with other men. He has said many times he's done but somehow he always comes back around. Otherwise we are great together. We are best friends and great roommates lol. Bit really he is the nicest guy I've ever met and he treats me like a queen. What makes it worse for me now is that I really like this new guy. He wants a relationship, not just sex, which is what I want as well. Poly or mono but where all the aspects are in balance. And the sex is awesome which really attracts me now. He also treats me like a queen. So I'm in a pickle and don't know what I should/want to do. I have two awesome men in my life but neither of them are really happy with the situation. I want happiness for everyone and I frankly can't watch my husband suffer so much, it breaks my heart.

I guess I would like to hear if anyone has had a similar experience and/or if you have any tips/ideas for me? Sometimes it's hard to see the obvious, being so deep in it. And that's where I think I am right now. Thanks guys! Much love

 

[dingedheart]

Wow lots going on here.

Your sex life was never awesome do you know why that is ? I'm assuming you had sex the 2 yrs prior to getting married or was that no the case ?

You're not convinced your husband is being honest about his desire to be in a poly marriage ??? He might be faking it or just dating to not be home alone.

Do you know why you got depressed and were you treated professionally for it ?

I'm assuming the depression and or the medication for the depression also casued sexual intimacy issues which cascaded to him turning to porn and you have an affair.

Did you ever get counseling for the affair ??? Have you suggested counseling for the porn addiction?

For a while now we've been growing distant again. We barely have sex. Somehow the passion is not there. Haven't been for a long time. I see it getting harder and harder for him to see me with other men. He has said many times he's done

You we've been growing distant ...we barely have sex. Why do you think you've grown distant? And are you frequently turned down for sex from him?

I don't get Confusion as to why the passion is not there. And how he's withdrawn from having sex with you.


"We are best friends and great roommates lol." Yes except he's not laughing is he. My tip is it's time for someone to put this marriage down sounds like it has to be you.

 

[GalaGirl]

I am sorry you struggle.

He has said many times he's done but somehow he always comes back around.

If he's having trouble detaching...why do you accept him back? If what he needs is to go?

I want happiness for everyone and I frankly can't watch my husband suffer so much, it breaks my heart.

You could accept you are growing apart, and end it with the husband. Stop trying to make a kite fly that will no longer fly.

I suppose you could try counseling and things... but if you know in your heart you are done? You are just done then. You guys could work on accepting that rather then bend yourselves into pretzels.

If you suspect he's only doing the Open thing for you or to avoid a divorce... if you see him wanting to quit... why keep it going? How does that behavior make either one of you happy? And for what? Just to keep "going through the motions" of marriage? Why not let it be done?

Whether or not you continue with something with the BF is a separate issue. But I don't think it's loving behavior to keep letting the husband carry on this way in an unhappy marriage that you yourself are also not happy in. It doesn't help either one.

If your highest want is for all the people to eventually be happy? You may have to be willing to let the marriage shape that isn't working go in order to become happy in the long term.

I suggest you and husband talk about a peaceful divorce. Stop being lovers and spouses and focus on continuing to be friends instead. That part at least still works. The other parts... no so much.

I'm sorry you deal in this. I hope things get sorted one way or the other.

Galagirl

 

[Kine]

Thank you for your responses Dingedheart and GalaGirl.

Dingedheart,
We did have sex for the first two years of our relationship, of course. It was good but the issue has always been our different approach to it. If anything, we are now more in tune with that. My husband says he just want the situation to be equal. Like he want to see other people too. He's not a bad looking guy and he's very outgoing so I'm starting to doubt maybe he doesn't actually want that. How can it be that he hasn't found anyone otherwise? I know why I got depressed. I didn't get professional help but I am cured from it 2 years ago when I made some life changes. Never got counseling for the affair or him for the porn addiction. I have always had an interest to other people in long term relationships which makes me believe I'm rather poly than mono. Never had the courage to change that until now. We are crowing distant again because we don't have sex. Not that he refuses to have sex with me but that it almost always have to be initiated by me. Or that it's planned. I don't feel that he wants me. Although he has never been a very affectionate guy to begin with. And no, it's not a laughing matter that we find each other just best friends and roommates. I understand that is a big problem.

GalaGirl,
We never broke up. He says that he's done when he feels alone and hurt but then soon says he doesn't want to divorce. Neither of us do. I could easily see myself with him until our older age, except the sex part. He truly loves me and I love him. Maybe we don't know how to let go? And we should? I thought that maybe if he would find someone and experience the same we could be fine. Clearly we still have issues to work on but doesn't everyone. Or is that naive of me to think so?

 

[GalaGirl]

(BF)wants a relationship, not just sex, which is what I want as well. Poly or mono but where all the aspects are in balance.

You seem to want a balanced relationship, and you seem to recognize that you do NOT have that with your husband. So... what then?

He says that he's done when he feels alone and hurt but then soon says he doesn't want to divorce. Neither of us do. I could easily see myself with him until our older age, except the sex part. He truly loves me and I love him.

And you are not able to do all this as friends? Life long friends through your old age loving each other?

Would that restore balance between you so things feel more natural and less bending into pretzels?

Maybe we don't know how to let go? And we should?

That's a call you have to make. Are you hanging on to this marriage because it's a "joyous yes" thing? Or from habit? Or sunk cost fallacy? Or from not wanting to make necessary changes to set you both on a healthier path?

Nobody WANTS to break up or divorce. It's not like "Yay! Let's go to the movies!" or "Yay! Let's make cookies!" fun stuff. But sometimes it is necessary. And the best hope is to part with some respect and grace. The last loving act in the marriage -- ending it with dignity.

Rather than drag out misery until someone gets pissed off enough or depressed enough to leave. Then not only the marriage shape goes, but so does any chance of friendship afterward.

It's not sounding like a marriage exploding from some big drama thing... but imploding from lack of air, attention, care. I'm not reading about either putting any energy IN anywhere.

I could be wrong... but to me it sounds like you are both slowly checking out. Just that you don't want to call it that or deal with it. There have been problems for 3 years. Not like 3 weeks or 3 months. How many more years do you want to clock?

Even when giving CPR, if the patient is non-responsive, eventually the EMT's and paramedics quit trying. Because it is fruitless. Are you at that point with the marriage? That's something only you can assess. I cannot imagine you want to be doing this like THIS for 30 more years, right?

So if he's not making effort to meet you half way... not attending to his health (if he's depressed), not participating in the marriage (sex, cheating recovery, porn addiction recovery, and whatever else), not really wanting to participate in poly? Well... you could let go of the rope. Let go of the ill things that are not working any more instead of trying to keep hanging on to them. Stop doing marriage with him, stop doing poly with him. Focus on doing friendship with him.

I thought that maybe if he would find someone and experience the same we could be fine. Clearly we still have issues to work on but doesn't everyone. Or is that naive of me to think so?

I don't think him finding another person would solve any of the problem that exist between (you + him). Those would still be there.

My husband says he just want the situation to be equal.

The situation from the sound of it IS equal. You get to date outside the marriage. So does he. Does he mean equal another way? Like both of you Closed? You could ask him to clarify and then answer him if you want to go back to that or not.

Clearly we still have issues to work on but doesn't everyone. Or is that naive of me to think so?

Sure people have issues. But I don't read where you guys are actually working on the issues. TBH, it sounds like he's being passive. Or maybe he's depressed so he appears passive.

Either way on your end? Sounds like you are getting tired of it. Worried, concerned, but still basically tired of this way of going. Tired of being the only one to initiate sex or make efforts, tired of trying to attend to his being happy, tired of watching him unhappy, etc.

Never got counseling for the affair or him for the porn addiction.

Why not?

• Are you both wanting to sweep it under the rug?
• Get help for this and actually solve things between you?
• Or call it "no energy for this" and solve it by calling the marriage done?
• Let it keep circling the drain until there's no chance of repair and you both go "there was nothing we could do" and then part?
• Something else?

Those are all things you have to answer for your own self. Whichever approach you guys want to take is the approach you guys want to take.

If it were me in your shoes? I would try to talk one more time. Like in the rope story... you are willing to do your share of the work to repair if he show some effort and will do his share of the work.

• If he's ill, depressed? He will do something about it and seek care.
• If there's porn addiction things to do -- he will attend to it.
• If there's cheating recovery things to do, he will do his share.

If not willing to do anything at all to help himself or the marriage? I would let the marriage shape go so both can be free of this "neither here nor there" misery. Because it's not very satisfactory to try to relate to a "ghost" who is not really in this and not really here doing his part but is just dragging me down.

I've never been a fan of circling the drain. I rather pull the plug and call it done. Because I prefer to linger in the (healing space) rather than linger in the (dragging out breaking up space.) That kind of behavior isn't "friendly" to me. It also isn't especially "loving" to me. If you truly love each other, why put each other through misery like that?

I would prefer to be what we actually are then -- friends only. Let go of what is not working. (being married.) Maybe that would feel better as well as being more kind and loving toward each other. It is possible to part with regrets in a loving way. Instead of trying to be something we aren't any more. Trying to be "spouses" in name only... but not in heart or in spirit. Why go through the motions? Build up resentments?

But I'm me and you are you.

You have to find your own way. I hope you do find it though.

GL!
Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Kine,

You mentioned that your new guy wants a relationship, not just sex, and that you want that with him as well. What's stopping you? Do you and your husband have an agreement that there will be no relationships outside the marriage? If you do, can you renegotiate?

You mentioned that your husband is unhappy, but it's not clear why he's unhappy. Have you talked with him and asked? What did he say?

You mentioned that your husband isn't finding many people to date. Is that because he's not trying very hard? or could it be because he is a married man, and it's usually a lot harder for married men to find someone to date than it is for married women to find someone to date?

You mentioned that you and your husband have been growing apart, but it's not clear why. Have you talked with him and asked? What did he say?

It's possible that a poly-friendly counselor could help with some of these problems. But we'll still try to keep helping on this forum as well. I can think of several possibilities of what's causing the difficulties, but I want to pin down the exact cause before giving much advice.

Hang in there.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Shaya]

Hi,

Ester Perrel, a marriage counsellor and psychologist said something in a TED talk that moved me greatly. She said that in her relationship counselling job, she often sees couples come in and saying, "I'm not getting what I want in this relationship." She turns the tables by asking them what they give in their relationship. Ester Perrel concludes by saying we grow up being taught to want a lot in a relationship (and monogamous individuals often have a big list), but we rarely pause to consider the what we ought to give.

I bring this up because your men, as you say, treat you as a princess, presumably because that's how you want to be treated. My question to you then, is what is it that your men want? Other than monogamy.

I think they want monogamy as a surrogate marker for something else. I think they believe that with monogamy, they will get this something else from you. But my question to you, is, what is it that they really want?

Best wishes,
Shaya.

 

[KC43]

My husband has only had 1 casual hook up during this whole time. He has gone to couple of dates but he doesn't seem to find the right kind of people..Or could it be that he in fact doesn't want to be open but is doing this because of me (other option would have been a divorse really)?

I'm not understanding why your husband *has to* date other people in order for *you* to be poly. Could another possibility be that he just doesn't want to have other partners himself but is okay with you having others? I read your initial post twice but didn't see any indication of why you seem to believe both you and he have to have other partners in order for it to be polyamory, or of him having said he wants to have other partners.

I have other partners. My husband does not, and says he doesn't want to; he rolls his eyes every time I remind him he has the option. I'm polyamorous. He isn't. That doesn't mean he doesn't want to be open; it just means he prefers that *I* be the only one seeing other people.