Open Relationship ending our marriage

[kdt26417]

Hi OhJoyItsJulie,

I was just wondering if you had any updates to share, and was hoping you and your husband had agreed on a time limit for how long (at the longest) he would take to get himself in a better headspace. As matters stand so far in this thread, I think he is giving you an unfair deal.

With sympathy and concern,
Kevin T.

 

[OhJoyItsJulie]

As updates go, I'm disappointed. We had a wedding to attended and spent 18 hours in a car together, so you'd think we could've hashed out some details or made progress. Nope.

Right now, I'm still friends with Lover (as Galagirl calls him), but it's not going so well. Our relationship was kind of built on a FWB situation, and we hit the benefits part. He understands, because he knows I'm married. At the same time, it's drama and he's not really interested in that. I do agree that it's an unfair deal, but I don't know what else to do. I don't want to loose hubs, but I want to live my life. Hubs is being quite unreasonable in my opinion. He says I can keep talking to Lover, but when I do, he gets jealous to the point it causes a fight. The other night we were driving and were talking about things - not fighting, just talking. Lover texted me, and I was replying, while still talking to hubs. As soon as Hubs found out it was Lover, he lost it and we ended up in a big argument where he told me I ruined yet another great evening.

Hubs hasn't given any idea of a timeline, and I don't think it's right to ask. He tends to overgeneralize and take away the worst from our conversations, so if I say, do you think you'll be better in a month - he would hear, if you don't get your shit together in a month, I'm leaving. I suggested a marriage counselor (as a few posters had suggested as well), and hubs will not see one. He said he doesn't want to go sit and listen to someone tell him he's wrong and to just deal with it . . . which I said isn't what would happen.

I'm still struggling with my own issues (feeling like a shitty person, etc.), but hubs has made it clear that his issues are priority. This pisses me off. He wants me to talk to him about how I'm feeling, but thinks I'm not considering his feelings when I do so. He's impossible to talk to, and just says, "I just want you to be happy." It's a lovely sentiment, but he's doing something that's making him unhappy to try to make me happy, and I'm struggling with that. I'm also struggling, because if you just want me to be happy, why are you acting like such an ass lately? Both of us are pretty miserable at this point. I'd like to point out he's kind of pushing me away, but that will just end with him saying, see I knew you were going to leave me.

It's insanity, and I don't know how much longer I can keep it up.

 

[Inyourendo]

At this point since you and lover are no longer having sex I would continue not having sex. I would also tell your husband that he is expected to also remain monogamous. If you can't have a lover them neither can he.

 

[LizziE]

Why do you want to stay with hubs? Do you feel comfortable sharing that? Because from what you've said, I'm not seeing any good sides to him.

Admittedly, you came here partly to vent, so this isn't necessarily the place where you're going to talk about his good aspects. But from what you've said:

- you can't get him to do anything other than watch TV with you. No dog walking, no hiking, no doing stuff together, just TV, despite this being something you've talked to him about for years.

- he wanted to open your relationship for HIS benefit, not yours. He assumed that he'd be dating men, and you wouldn't have any success meeting people.

- his thought processes are such that sleeping with another women would be "evening" things between you...let me tell you, nothing makes ME want to sleep with a man more than knowing it's to "even things up" between him and someone else. Are you aware of how deeply, and hideously objectifying that is?

Let's just take a moment with that one - because if ever there was a shitty, demeaning, ridiculous fucking thing to say, it would be that sleeping with a women is "getting even" with you.

That's not even taking into account the part where that seems to be WILDLY different from his original reason for wanting to be poly, which was to explore his bisexuality. I guess getting even with you is more important.

(I'm going to let that go now, because I could froth at the mouth over it for hours)

- And lastly, by texting with Lover, you "ruined his evening". You didn't ruin anything. Texting a particular person does NOT ruin an evening. Your Hubs does not have the right to pretend that you have that kind of power over him; it's actually a backwards form of control: by telling you that YOU ruined HIS evening with YOUR behavior, it sounds like YOU have the power and YOU are the person behaving badly. But actually, this setup allows HIM to control YOUR behavior, by demanding that YOU cease to do certain things, because of his claims that they are hurting HIM. Make sense?

All around, it sounds like a bad dynamic on his end.

So I ask again: Why do you want to stay with this guy? With the added question of what do YOU want out of YOUR life? Because this is YOUR life, ticking away, dealing with stupid, manipulative, objectifying bullshit. Based on some of the things you've said about your Hubs, you might want to check Out of the Fog, which is a website about personality disorders: http://outofthefog.net/ Some of what you're describing sounds like Hubs might possibly have a bit of a disordered personality. The resources there might help you make sense of his thinking and/or give you ideas on how to communicate with him.

But in the end, I think you should do what makes you feel happiest and healthiest. You need to worry about you and your life, not his.

 

[GalaGirl]

I am sorry you continue to struggle.

He tends to overgeneralize and take away the worst from our conversations, so if I say, do you think you'll be better in a month - he would hear, if you don't get your shit together in a month, I'm leaving.

I suggest that you actually sit down to sort that out quietly to yourself. What is your limit of tolerance?

If he DOESN'T make some effort to move past defensive listening and acting out behavior in _____ time, then you will stop investing here. You will bow out to free yourself from misery. Because you are miserable here right now. At least then your misery has an end point and you can begin to heal. That's better than never ending misery.

What would you come up with?

• Hang on for another 5 months?
• 5 years?
• 50 years?

Surely you do not have 500 years as your upper limit of tolerance waiting for him to make effort, right?

Try to articulate that to yourself -- how long before you stop investing in this relationship because it is still miserable and not changing?

Maybe you do it with the help of a counselor. You could make appointment. Invite him to come. If he does not, you still can go so you can get your issues sorted out and a plan made. You can take care of you.

He's impossible to talk to, and just says, "I just want you to be happy."

If he wanted YOU to be happy, he would stop acting out and start working on his issues. Or bow out because he does not ever intend to. Be more honest and get you both out of the misery zone.

I'd like to point out he's kind of pushing me away, but that will just end with him saying, see I knew you were going to leave me.

If he knows this, why not change his behavior to stop it then? I guess because that would require taking personal responsibility for his behavior choices. Something he does not seem eager to do at this time.

I am so sorry you continue to struggle. I can see it is hard and your spouse's behavior choices are super disappointing.

I encourage you to see a counselor and get a little more clear on your end though. Even if he's blowing fog and not taking personal responsibility for his behavior choices on his end.

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Julie,

I agree with GalaGirl, there should be an endpoint, an absolute limit of how long you'll wait around for him to improve. Does he predict that you're the kind of person who leaves people? Well, I predict that he's the kind of person whom people leave. If I'm wrong, let him demonstrate I'm wrong by acting better.

Sorry things are so crappy right now.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[snowmelt]

I've read the entire thread. I'm going to summarize what I see going on without repeating what some very wise others have said very well. Simply put, you are in a toxic and abusive relationship with your husband. It's toxic and abusive because he presents himself as being interested in your happiness, but he is not. He attempts to hide the fact that he is not by manipulating the conversation with you to make it look like he is working to improve the relationship with you when he is not interested in that at all. He is interested in an off balance relationship where he has "the power" to satisfy himself at your emotional expense.

This is NOT caused by your relationship with your lover. It was there in your relationship with your husband before you found your lover. Your relationship with your lover is bringing it to the surface and giving you a more intense experience of it, which makes it easier for you to see.

Your lover has gotten in the way of your husbands effort to be "the powerful one" in your relationship with your husband. The ramped up intensity of your husbands manipulative efforts is his way of trying to take his abusive power back.

What are you going to do with all of this?

The healthiest thing for you to do for yourself is to privately (or with outside help) learn why you are interested in being with a toxic and abusive man, and resolve within yourself (heal) whatever you discover the answer to that question to be, so you do not attract such a person again.

 

[FallenAngelina]

It's insanity, and I don't know how much longer I can keep it up.

It's insanity only because you're keeping up your end of the Insanity rope. The only way to change a crazy making situation is to change how you're approaching it, not to change how the other person thinks or behaves. Your husband can't make you feel insane. Rather, trying to make him behave or feel differently or even trying to get into his head is what causes the insane feelings in you. Your work is not to stand on your head, figuring out how to make everything better. Your work is to find peace of mind, create a peaceful atmosphere around you to which peaceful aspects of others will gravitate. We really cannot "fix" situations, we can only find a more peaceful place within ourselves in which better situations can grow.

 

[LizziE]

The healthiest thing for you to do for yourself is to privately (or with outside help) learn why you are interested in being with a toxic and abusive man, and resolve within yourself (heal) whatever you discover the answer to that question to be, so you do not attract such a person again.

I don't know if I'd go so far as to assume that the OP is specifically interested in being with a toxic and abusive person. From my own experience (and those I've read on a support forum for getting away from abusive relationships), a lot of times, abusers suck you in by initially appearing as wonderful people. Some can be master manipulators who dole out the exact amount of faux-contrition/proclamations to get better/minute improvements to keep a partner invested and trying. It can be incredibly difficult to get away from (especially the first time this kind of abuse manifests) because you (the abused person) personally witnessed what a wonderful human the abuser can be, and the abuser will dangle that belief of "If you (the abused person) only does X, then I'll be 'better' and we'll have that wonderful relationship again".

Of course, X keeps changing and being moved further and further out, because the abuser probably really doesn't have any interest in changing. They just want to keep the person they've found who supports them, is a part-time punching bag, is blamable for their own shortcomings, etc.

If the OP had mentioned having a history of partners like that, then I'd question if there was something inside her that needs to be figured out and/or healed. But "normal" people get sucked into abusive relationships all the time - sometimes for nearly their whole life. It's really sad.

Myself, I would characterize one longer-term relationship that I had has truly emotionally abusive and full of manipulation directed at me. It took me close to two years to get out of that relationship and see that asshole abuser for who and what he was. Since then, I have dated a few people with abusive tendencies; but those relationships ended within three months - basically, whenever the abusive or manipulative behavior started.

IMO, what the OP needs to do is figure out what it is about THIS guy, her husband, that is causing her to stay in such a toxic relationship. From what I've read, for a lot of people, it can simply be that they ARE married, and are afraid (even in this age of relatively easy and socially accepted divorce) of the stigma/guilt of giving up on a marriage. Or just...they've been together so long, that they can't imagine being without the person. There's a lot of reasons that can "make sense". Finding THOSE specific reasons, tied to THIS specific man and deciding if he really is worth staying with (and I agree with everybody who is saying he's not; he sounds like an abusive, shitty human who has a user mentality) is, IMO, a better course.

 

[KC43]

I think that's what Snowmelt meant... not why the OP wants to be with a toxic and abusive person in general (because there's no grounds to assume she does), but why she wants to stay with the man she's currently with, who specifically appears to be toxic and abusive, instead of leaving for a healthier situation

 

[LizziE]

I think that's what Snowmelt meant... not why the OP wants to be with a toxic and abusive person in general (because there's no grounds to assume she does), but why she wants to stay with the man she's currently with, who specifically appears to be toxic and abusive, instead of leaving for a healthier situation

Ah, it had read like more of a general statement to me. But I could be totally wrong. Wouldn't be the first time.

 

[snowmelt]

I think that's what Snowmelt meant... not why the OP wants to be with a toxic and abusive person in general (because there's no grounds to assume she does), but why she wants to stay with the man she's currently with, who specifically appears to be toxic and abusive, instead of leaving for a healthier situation

Yes, that's exactly what I meant. Thanks, KC43, for helping to clarify.

 

[AdamsAA924]

Hi Everyone

I want to start out by saying that I am the guy that everyone has been talking about. Julie and I have been married for the last 6 years. I love her with all of my heart and I cannot lose her. If anyone has any advice that would help me too that would be great.

I know that my insecurities, jealousy, selfishness and many more issues have made this whole thing become an issue between us. Yes I initially started this thing and I continued to support Julie with what she wants and what she is doing. I might not have proposed the idea, but I did make it seem that it was a great thing to do. I constantly told Julie that I will not have issues with everything. When I did tell her I was having issues I convinced her that I was okay with everything. I thought deep down inside that everything would be okay. Even the day she met up with the guy, there were no issues. It was the moment she told me she had sex with him. That is when my true emotions came up and that is when my heart sank. I felt that I just lost the best thing that has ever happened to me. I know she loves me and only wants to be with me, but my deepest thoughts are that she will never just want me any longer.

My childhood I have watched multiple women screw over my dad and I thought I will never be like that. I am not saying that Julie is trying to screw me over at all; I am saying that my deepest fear is that I will lose her eventually. I don’t want to do the therapist things because I know for a fact they do not work. My dad went through that will both of his marriages and both his wives left him. When they did they hurt everyone in their path and took a part of my dad that I don’t see anymore. Maybe I am predestined to be alone, maybe I feel that if I don’t keep her to myself that I will lose her.

Julie and I have had a few issues before the open relationship started. I could have easily fixed that if I was not lazy and took care of her like I should have. Those issues are nothing compared to after the open relationship started. I want to be ok with Julie being with other people. I know we could have fixed ourselves before the open relationship started. Julie and I are at the point where I don’t feel we will be able to turn back from. I pushed Julie away from me because of my issues. We can hardly look each other in the eyes. She has been keeping calm the last couple of days but I know that she is bottling her feelings. She can’t say anything to me because I get on the defensive for everything. We are just going through the motions right now and it kills me.

One of the biggest issues is that I cannot get out of my own head. I thought maybe sleeping with another girl would make things easier. I realized that was a stupid idea, I even deactivated my OKCupid and Tinder account. Julie suggested that I keep those up because she thinks now that if I do sleep with another girl that it would be easier for me to get over things. Please don’t ask me why sleeping with a girl would be different then a guy, it’s the same reason that I am ok with Julie sleeping with a girl then with another guy. All of these thoughts go through my head and upset me. I don’t want to be the husband that doesn’t let the wife do what makes her happy. My thoughts have me so messed up that it is affecting my overall mood. I use to be the happy go lucky, optimistic guy that never let anything get in his way. Now I am moody and crabby all the time. I have even let my thought affect my dreams. I have woken up a few times thinking that everything is horrible and that Julie will leave me.

I just want Julie and I to work through this together and be better for it, but the little devil on my shoulder is showing me that he is stronger right now then the angel. I am asking for strong advice, preferable from someone who has been in my shoes. I am not trying to bad mouth anyone here but I do feel that most of the perspective is one sided.

Thank you all for letting me vent, and I apologize of my post is all over the place.

 

[KC43]

With all due respect, you don't know for a fact that therapists don't work. You only know for a fact that the therapists *your dad saw* didn't work. There are tons of therapists in the world, and some are better than others. It's understandable that given your dad's experience, you wouldn't want to risk going to a therapist, but doing so could make a positive difference if you find the *right* therapist.

Also given your dad's experiences, it's understandable that you would have difficulty trusting that your marriage can remain intact under the circumstances. But pushing Julie away is going to lead to exactly the result you're afraid of. From the tone of your post, you've already resigned yourself to the marriage being over, even though you say that's the last thing you want.

Deep-seated fears and issues like you have, and like the ones present in your marriage, can't be solved by posts on a forum. I strongly urge you to reconsider seeking a therapist, either as a couple or for yourself. That's the best advice I can give you.

 

[Magdlyn]

People should never base their decisions on what did or didn't work for their parents, or brother or some other small sample. And the goal of therapy is not to keep couples together. That is one goal. But there are others. Therapy can help us break up if need be, to be happier, if the couple has grown apart, doesn't see eye to eye, has unreconcilable differences, if there is abuse, etc.

You two are hurting puppies and need to take definitive action. I hope you have the courage to do so.

 

[AutumnLeaves]

I want to start out by saying that I am the guy that everyone has been talking about. Julie and I have been married for the last 6 years. I love her with all of my heart and I cannot lose her. If anyone has any advice that would help me too that would be great.

I'm sorry that you're hurting. It does help to get things from your perspective. There are two sides to every story, especially relationship stories.

I know that my insecurities, jealousy, selfishness and many more issues have made this whole thing become an issue between us.

I think this is probably true. I hear a lot of fear in your post, and also some thoughts that sound a lot like depression. It's good that you can recognize that. But I'm also getting a lot of "I've broken it so badly it can't be fixed." That isn't necessarily the case. It sounds like things are very wounded, but whether things can be fixed depend a lot on how much energy you're willing to put into fixing them.

My childhood I have watched multiple women screw over my dad and I thought I will never be like that...

You seem to be fighting the last war. As much as you say that Julie isn't the women that hurt your dad, you seem to be comparing them. What happened to him is making you fearful about what may happen to you. But Julie is NOT those women and you need to look at the evidence, from her behaviors and what she says, not your fears and hypotheticals.

I want to be ok with Julie being with other people.

The only way to do this is to work on your fears and insecurities, period.

She can’t say anything to me because I get on the defensive for everything.

Then you need to stop being on the defensive. If you aren't able to tell her (and mean it) that you want to hear what she has to say, why bother talking? If you're so overwhelmed by your own anxieties that you can't or aren't willing to take her words at face value, again, why bother? This is part of why you need to work on yourself.

I thought maybe sleeping with another girl would make things easier....

It might briefly boost your self-esteem, but it wouldn't address the underlying problem: your insecurities, which stem from your fears of losing Julie. Those don't have anything to do with your possible sexual relationships with another person.

My thoughts have me so messed up that it is affecting my overall mood. I use to be the happy go lucky, optimistic guy that never let anything get in his way. Now I am moody and crabby all the time. I have even let my thought affect my dreams. I have woken up a few times thinking that everything is horrible and that Julie will leave me.

It's pretty clear that you're anxious and depressed. It absolutely will fuck with your brain in this way, and make it harder to think about your problems in a logical way.

I am asking for strong advice, preferable from someone who has been in my shoes. I am not trying to bad mouth anyone here but I do feel that most of the perspective is one sided.

Well, we did only have one side to work with

I know you said you don't trust therapy, but if you're looking for advice from someone who has been there: give it a try. An honest try. By yourself, not couples' therapy. And finding a good therapist is like finding someone to date. If the first one you try isn't working, that's not a problem with therapy generally, it just means your therapist is not a good fit.

Until then, you need to be as open and honest with yourself about your feelings as you're being here. Try to figure out why you are so insecure and afraid, and test that with logic and evidence. Is there any actual evidence to back up the negative thoughts you're having about Julie dating?

Once you have figured yourself out, you should probably talk to Julie openly and honestly about your fears and feelings. Together, there may be things that she can do, and you can do, to help address your fears. But they're only going to work if you are being honest with her and yourself and able to take what she says at face value.

And if she's not willing or able to give what you need, then you should reassess whether this relationship is for you. You can love someone dearly and not be a good fit for a romantic relationship. And just because it did work for you before doesn't mean that it will always work.

Wishing you the best of luck. I'm sorry you're both hurting right now.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello AdamsAA924,

This is what your wife said in her first post here:

"My husband literally lost it, and he admitted to me that the only reason he reassured me initially was because he didn't think I'd actually do anything with anyone and he wanted to be able to do stuff. He says doesn't mind doing things with others, but he can't handle the thought of me being with someone else in a sexual capacity."

Why did she say that? What does it mean? Do you consider it okay for you (but not her) to be with other people sexually?

There are things I need to understand before I can be of help. I'll need you to talk more about your situation.

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[vinsanity0]

@Adams

I have been where you are, though no two people live exactly the same life.

I used to have a lot of insecurities and fears, which is the cause of jealousy. That had to do with past relationships (my first wife cheated on me) and the way Cat and I got together (she was married and dumped him in favor of me).

What I am getting from you is that you think you could possibly lose Julie to another man. You said you felt things with her "ended" when she slept with someone else. Guess what? It didn't. She is on here trying to find answers to making your relationship work. That should tell you something.

I think you see the problems within yourself. You just need to act on them. Maybe a therapist can help you sort those out, maybe not. I tend to "talk" things out within my self, then resolve to act on them. One of my girlfriends swears by therapy, another rejects it and embraces her crazy a little too much. Only you can decide you want to fix yourself. Julie mentioned that you didn't want to go to therapy because they would just tell you that you are wrong. Well...on many levels you are, and like I said, you seem to recognize that.

In an earlier post I suggested that getting in another relationship might help you as it did me. I wasn't suggesting a revenge fuck or anything like that. I didn't set out to find someone just to fuck. Eventually I met someone who meant something to me...and I meant something to her. I found that I still loved Cat and loved someone else. That did two things for me. One, it did boost my self esteem a bit. Two, it made me realize that if I could feel that way, why couldn't she. So yes, that did wonders for me.

I suggest you do a lot of reading on this forum, if nothing else. Even though the stories aren't all the same or like yours, many do contain elements that will apply.

 

[GalaGirl]

Welcome to the thread. Yes, it has been a bit one sided since there wasn't the other voice. Now there is.

I am sorry you are struggling with thoughts that go round and round in your head and the huge amount of stress. I think you are right to take down your OKC and Tinder accounts. A hookup won't solve it. The problem is not sex.

I am going to guess and I might guess wrong. Ok?

I think the problem is that you are possessive of your relationship with Julie because you don't like yourself much. So you can't believe she actually likes you. So you really want to cling on to that relationship and never ever lose it.

Which led to you not being emotionally authentic and honest with her. You did not want her to see you "being weak." So you put on a front and pretended a lot:

I might not have proposed the idea, but I did make it seem that it was a great thing to do. I constantly told Julie that I will not have issues with everything. When I did tell her I was having issues I convinced her that I was okay with everything. I thought deep down inside that everything would be okay. Even the day she met up with the guy, there were no issues. It was the moment she told me she had sex with him. That is when my true emotions came up and that is when my heart sank.

You were trying to ignore yucky feelings, hoping they would go away. That could be an area to work on -- being more authentic in future rather than trying to ignore/hide stuff. If I guessed right? Could stop seeing this as being "weak in front of Julie" and more like "Being more emotionally open with Julie."

My deepest fear is that I will lose her eventually.

Do you want to answer to fear? Or do you want to answer to what your relationship with Julie needs to stay healthy? Right now to me it sounds like it needs you to lean into it and start participating rather than away from it.

Are you able to start seeing this relationship with Julia as a PARTICIPATION thing that hinges on both of you putting energy into it? Rather than it being a possession you don't want to lose?

Then your lack of participation before in being emotionally honest? That's something you CAN change. You are not doomed to fail or to lose it. You could start participating in speaking up more, from the heart. Same with all these other "pushing her away" behaviors that you could choose to change:

• I can hardly look her in the eyes.
• I get on the defensive for everything whenever she says anything.
• We are just going through the motions right now. It kills me.

Stop going through the motions then and dare to ENGAGE and PARTICIPATE with Julie when conversing.

• Look her in the eye. Smile.
• Set time aside for serious convo. When the conversation gets too heavy or too much, just say "I need a time out. It's a bit heavy/too much for me. Can we take a break and come back to this next week?"
• Practice active listening, take notes, say nothing when it is her turn to be talking. Use a talking stick if you have to. Repeat back to her what she just said to make sure you got it right and understood. INSTEAD of blowing up at her. If you feel a blow coming, take a time out. Slow all this way down.
• Have normal conversations the rest of the time --not always deep convo. Get a pizza. Watch a funny movie. Talk about that. Do fun things together.

Also since this is affecting your stress, sleep, and you are ruminating -- accept that you are NOT your father. Your life is not a copy of his. Julie is not those other women. Stop answering to that fear. Reduce the fear.

Could enlist the help of a professional counselor to help you both. Be willing to give it a chance. Be ok shopping for the right counselor fit. They are not all the same.

I don’t want to do the therapist things because I know for a fact they do not work.

Maybe I am predestined to be alone, maybe I feel that if I don’t keep her to myself that I will lose her.

I see you are in the habit of fortune telling Doom for yourself. Predicting the future in a bad way rather than just engaging in living your life and letting the future be whatever it will be.

When you do that? You basically are talking yourself OUT of participating. That behavior seems to take away from your peace of mind/quality of life too.

Are you able to see that? Are you willing to change your thought pattern habits?

Julie and I have had a few issues before the open relationship started. I could have easily fixed that if I was not lazy and took care of her like I should have

I notice you also have an Inner Critic voice that beats up on you. Are you aware you are your own bully? Are you willing to start defending YOU from the inner bully rather than lash out defensively at Julia? If you want to fight with someone, that seems like the right person to fight. The devil on your shoulder that brings you down.

Could talk to a counselor about appropriate ways to do that.

I want to be ok with Julie being with other people.

That's ok. But I think you could go in this order:

• I want to be in right relationship with myself. Learn to like myself.
  • Stop being my own bully.
  • Stop predicting doom in my life.
• I want to be in right relationship with Julie. Lean into it, not away from it. Participate.
  
• I want to learn to be ok with Julie having other relationships.

HTH!
Galagirl

 

[snowmelt]

Glad you came here to join the conversation. You are getting very good guidance. I'm going to add my own. You're making the assumption that because your dad had certain experiences with therapists and women, you will have those experiences too. Let go of that assumption. It's locking you into a very limited way of thinking and experiencing.

The best way to benefit from a therapist is to take the lead in all conversations with them. You read that right. Take the lead. Ask, learn, look at yourself, - your strengths, weaknesses, fears, joys, etc. By taking the lead with the therapist you carefully choose, you are planting a seed and teaching yourself to take the lead in your own life. This allows you to learn to be a true partner to yourself and others.

When it was just you and Julie, it was easy to ignore the stuff in yourself and your relationship with her that you needed to work on. Now that this new guy has arrived, you can no longer ignore any of it the same way you did before, but it's still the same stuff you needed to work on when it was just you and Julie. You are experiencing it differently, but it's the same stuff. Time to dive in a work through it.