Open relationship - wife is bi / lesbian?

T

TheExplorer

Member
Hello All,

Been here before but just wanted to give a brief update. Just moved from Hawaii back to Taiwan and it's been a huge transition. My wife and I still live separately but do communicate often. We do feel connected and affectionate towards each other but no sex.

So here's the situation - she's been dating someone on and off for two years now. The reason for the trouble is the metamour essentially wants me out of the picture. My wife has gotten really frustrated because she feels that having this kind of relationship is something that not only her on and off dating partner can't accept, but also fears that this will kill her chances of having a relationship with ANY and EVERY woman in the future. The effect is my wife is buckling under the weight of social pressure...she wants some contact with me but says she does NOT want an open relationship because it will kill her chances with other women.

I'm really not quite sure where to go from here. I'm trying to be as strong and supportive through this process but it's very emotionally taxing. I've also read "Unseen / Unheard" about people involved with a spouse who later comes out as gay or bisexual. Seems it's just a daily routine of jumping through fire?
 
I have a question for you:
Why are you hanging onto a marital relationship in which there is no sex, with a woman who seems to have a marked preference for women? You're pinning an awful lot on your wife and this nebulous group of potential women and don't seem to be asking yourself why you are so drawn to this situation. No sex for two years, with none in sight? Why are you still married to her?
 
Concur with what FallenAngelina said/asked. My partner was married when he and I started dating, but as I got to know them both more it became clear to me that their relationship was largely platonic and becoming more so over time. They still love each other very much, but it's just not a romantic/sexual relationship. For that reason, they're getting divorced, and his ex now lives with her other partner, and my partner and I now live together.

But his ex still comes up to visit us, and sometimes even with her partner and his kid if scheduling allows. We still all try to plan a cabin trip vacation together each year, etc. Separating and getting a divorce wasn't the end of them or their relationship. It was just changing the legally binding structure of that relationship to better fit what they had become.... friends that love each other, but are platonic.

Is that not an option for you and your wife, since it seems that is where things are at?
 
The effect is my wife is buckling under the weight of social pressure...she wants some contact with me but says she does NOT want an open relationship because it will kill her chances with other women.
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So... wife is basically saying what? She wants to get divorce. And then trying being friends? Let go of the marriage shape thing that no longer fits? How are you feeling about all that?

Galagirl
 
GalaGirl said:
So... wife is basically saying what? She wants to get divorce. And then trying being friends? Let go of the marriage shape thing that no longer fits? How are you feeling about all that?

Galagirl
Click to expand...

And all this was asked before...
 
Hi TheExplorer,

I am hearing you say that the metamour wants you out of the picture. From that, I gather that said metamour doesn't just want your wife to divorce you, she also wants your wife to have nothing more to do with you. No friendship, nothing. And what makes this such an awful situation is, your wife can go along with what the metamour wants, and there's nothing you can do to stop her.

I take it this metamour (your wife's on-and-off dating partner) is okay with your wife dating other women, but is not okay with your wife having anything to do with you ... and perhaps with any man. A ZPP (Zero Penis Policy). Correct me if I'm wrong. And your wife is assuming that every woman she wants to date will be of the same mindset -- no men allowed. If I'm wrong correct me, but that's what I gather.

If I gathered correctly, I have to say your wife is having a rather knee-jerk reaction. In reality there's no reason to think (yet) that other women will take this metamour's stance. That scenario hasn't been tested. If anything, I think it's more likely that the metamour won't want your wife to see anyone. The metamour will want strict monogamy from your wife. But of course I could be wrong.

Sorry you find yourself in this difficult situation.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Again just wanted to thank you all for your input. Yes much of this has been discussed before...it will take some time to adjust to these new realities.
 
Open relationship?

Are we being poly snobs just because I didn't specifically mention the word polyamory? ;)

I think the wife is fiinally giving up on the metamour...I've given them lots of leeway and even so they still can't get along and it isn't because of me. The thing she keeps mentioning is that she's afraid at her age (50) that it's difficult to find another woman so she keeps slipping back with the metamour. Any advice for how to handle? I let her know that I don't like to see her go through all of this torture but the decision is hers...
 
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"Open" covers many types of relationship. Some poly relationships fit into that category, others don't, and there are many more types of open relationship that aren't poly at all.

In this case it doesn't appear that there is a romantic or sexual relationship between anyone other than your wife and her girlfriend, so as you describe it there is no open relationship; just one closed relationship and an ex (in all but the paperwork) husband to whom one of the participants is still married.

If that's not how it is, perhaps you could expand on your situation and show us the missing pieces of the puzzle.
 
There isn't much for you to do, since it is your wife's decision. You've expressed to her your concerns/reservations which is about the most you can do in this situation. Other than that you just try to be there for your wife if she asks for your help.
 
TheExplorer said:
Are we being poly snobs just because I didn't specifically mention the word polyamory?
Click to expand...
Please try to keep up -- clearly it's not the word to which I refer, but the concept.

(Oh, & FWIW if by "we" you are accusing me, then you have an underlying tendency to play passive-aggressive games rather than communicate honestly. :()

There's general assent that to be "a poly relationship" there needs to be stuff like communication & emotional attachment & a rather high level of ongoing intimacy. Not clearly happening here.

I see you (& possibly your spouse) clinging to a dead relationship. Her girlfriend seems to want her to be "monogamy but," partnered up ONLY with her but maybe let out to chase other girls from time to time. Though your spouse might have residual affection for you (& maybe is depending on your for some sort of financial support &/or as a "backup plan" in case the girlfriend decides to move along), you've got a MINO: marriage in name only.

Unless you are planning surgery, there is no intimate place for you in her life. Her girlfriend has been pressuring her to divorce you so as not to reduce her dating-pool value. You must understand that divorce is inevitable so long as the girlfriend persists, & likely even if she gives up.

She's not poly, though maybe having one person at home & plenty of short-term babes. She has gone behind her girlfriend's back to communicae with you. She has painted that relationship as controlling & manipulative, yet she stays. Half a year ago, you felt she had commtted to ending that relationship.

Her girlfriend isn't poly, wanting pretty much the same but (apparently from the beginning) digging in her heels against you receiving any sort of communication or affection.

You're not poly, interested in looking for someone to "fill in" the gaps left by your spouse until she takes a 180 & comes back to you.

So, yah: when does the "polyamory" start?
 
Communication - yes
emotional attachment - yes
high level of ongoing intimacy - if you mean sex then no, but affection yes

metamour is not against my wife and I communicating, she is just uncomfortable with my wife (or any partner for that matter) having sexual intimacy with anyone besides herself, male or female.

Anyways, Happy Holidays everyone!
 
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