Open Relationships and Early Sobriety

shovelandhoe

shovelandhoe

New member
backstory- i quit drinking 20 months ago (after drinking alcoholically for 17 years) and started dating someone just over a year ago. Two months ago I qui t smoking cigarettes and weed and stopped taking pills, making me fully sober for the first time in my adult life.

My partner and i are in a open relationship (I've been in nonmonogamous relationships for the past 8 years). We have each had a date here and there but nothing regular or significant. Until now. a month ago she met someone she clicks with. someone she assures me is not a threat to our relationship. And in these early months of sobriety i find that my once strong and confident commitment to nonmonogamy is crumbling. where im usually not jealous AT ALL, i find myself at the heights of anxiety surrounding this date.

im realizing that i always had a substance to cope with any insecurities i had in past relationships (even just cigarettes). and now i have none. and im losing it! im the jealous, anxious,insecure boyfriend i never thought id be. time and again shes assuring me that its not a threat. but its just changing so much about our relationship in a time where i need some serious stability.
the changes- she has dates with them once a week; she wants to shift our communication dynamic (talking and texting less); shes into rough sex and i have to deal with seeing marks on her; shes trying to be more autonomous exactly at the time where i need more support.

its not her responsibility to hold me up, nor did she ask to deal with this. but ive put over a year into this love and now when im at my most vulnerable i dont feel i have access to the stability i was trying to build.

anybody been in this situation before? tips?
 
Hello, sorry for your hard situation. I do not have any real experience with what you are going through (getting sobber etc.), exept perhaps with being very anxious, but you described your feeling so well that I see you situation vividly and want to answer.

You seem very commited to changing and building a better life for yourself. Congratulations.
It feels like perhaps in the last two years you put way more effort into building a good relationship with yourself first and subsequently with your girlfriend.
Is it possible that putting in more effort in a relationship then before makes you also more jealous (=more affraid of the loss)? Also, after a year probably the NRE is wearing off for her which usually makes the other partner insecure even without any new relationships developing.

I can also see how you need all the support you can get with the hightened anxiety after getting sobber. I think it is perfectly justified to ask your partner to slow down and give you some more time (though, of course, she may not be inclined to, as this will make things more difficult for her and the new person). I also think you should get as much social support as possible elsewhere. If you can, stick with a support group or counselling. Nurture relationships with your close friends, family or other relationships, if you have any. I think you should rely a little more on any supportive long-term connection you have in this hard time (other then just your partner), or even make new ones.

What is the problem with marks, do they make you jealous/remind you of the other person? Or do you have a hard time with accepting that someone is giving pain to her? If the second one is the case, try to treat them with compersion instead. They are reminders of nice times for her.
 
shovelandhoe said:
.... i always had a substance to cope with any insecurities i had in past relationships (even just cigarettes). and now i have none. and im losing it! im the jealous, anxious,insecure boyfriend i never thought id be.
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What you're going through is about you and your recovery, not about trying to get your GF to smooth things for you. No matter who you are or what you're going through, other people's behavior will always be a problem if your security is based on them. I think it's standard in recovery to focus heavily on finding one's own source of inner security, without turning to drugs to mask pain. If you stay focused on your recovery, your inner life, finding your inner security, what other people do won't be as influential - and when you're inner-generated, other people are much more likely to offer generosity and pleasant behavior. As everyone has heard me say many times, our relationships just reflect our inner lives. You don't improve your inner life by trying to change your relationships or by getting people to "behave." Your relationships improve and you see much more pleasing aspects of people when you have a stable core to begin with. You've been looking for security in drugs, booze, cigarettes for a long time and you've come an incredible distance with that. Now is a good time for you to continue developing your inner security by taking the focus off of your GF. Real and lasting security always comes from inside - always. You can try to "negotiate" with her to get temporary relief from your crappy feelings, but I guarantee, the relief will indeed be temporary. Nothing and nobody's "good behavior" can really make you feel content and secure when you don't feel it already inside. Even people who have totally awesome BFs and GFs feel crappy if they are insecure and don't believe in their own worthiness. Been there - a lot. That's how I know.

Her dating, etc., and trying to reign her in so that you can feel better is not what you want to be focused on. You want to keep your sights set on your recovery - of YOU. I'm not suggesting you break up - just remain focused on your recovery, not on what she can or cannot do to make you feel more secure. Recovery is about coming to have yourself in a way that you've not known before and about feeling things that you haven't allowed yourself to feel before. You're probably finding that a lot of people are coming and going in your life right now and that's a good thing. From your more stable core you will be settling into more stable relationships, so the more you can do to develop your stable and reliable and pleasing inner world, your more your stable and reliable and pleasing relationships will reflect that.
 
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First of all, shovelandhoe, congratulations on your sobriety. I've been sober now for 15 years and I still remember how hard the first couple of years were.

In my case, I was using booze to mask painful feelings. Looking at it now, it was like there was a huge dumpster truck following me around and whenever I got unpleasant feelings, I would fling them into the dumpster truck, have a drink and "deal with them later".

Turns out of course, I didn't deal with any of those feelings until I stopped drinking. As you're feeling now, I no longer had any chemical available to me to blunt my feelings, and just had to deal with them.

As an example, I ran into a man I'd had a fling with years ago and he'd ended it. I pretended to myself at the time I wasn't really that bothered, but when I got home that night I cried and cried - I was having the feelings I'd medicated away, just delayed by ten years. And after acknowledging those feelings, I was OK.

In your new sobriety, it's unsurprising that your feelings are more intense than they were when you were using.

I agree with FallenAngelina that at this stage, your focus needs to be more on you and your recovery than your current relationship. It may be that you may need to "pause" your relationship with her for a while until you're feeling a little more steady. Of course, that's something you'll need to talk to her about. Be honest and explain that it's not about her, it's about you - that's the truth and take it from there.

It might be worth exploring getting some form of talk therapy so you can discuss your feelings. In my experience, feelings that are overwhelming can become more manageable by acknowledging them and talking about them.

Also, I can't comment on how useful AA meetings are, as I've never been to one, but that might be something else to explore as an outlet, if you aren't already. I understand there are also groups for partners and families of addicts (called Al-Anon, IIRC), which might be something your partner could explore, to give her more of an insight into your current situation and state of mind.

Good luck.
 
Stopping to misuse is just one step of the way. The real test is gathering the tools to deal with your life in a different way. There can be many paths to take. When I recovered from my eating disorder, I did a lot of self reflection, journaling, courses/meetings and I saw a psycologist. I did this very insensely at least one year after having the symptoms themselves. Only then did I start to feel "normal" and like I had some kind of leverage to deal with life. First time after that when I experienced a heart ace was hard, I had little as buffer between myself and the world. Then I slowly discovered that doing physical things helped me; going to work, focusing on my studies, work out and so on. Everyone needs to find their own way to deal and feeling vounerable is actually a sign of progress.
 
Hello shovelandhoe,

I couldn't think of any advice beyond the good advice already given, but I just wanted to let you know I'm sympathetic and supportive towards you. Going completely sober has got to be really difficult, and may be what's causing you to struggle with the nonmonogamy.

Hang in there.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
wow- thank you all for your honest and supportive advice. while i would like to ask my partner to slow down, like Tinwen suggested, for my own comfort, i find that i resonate more with FallenAngelinas advice.

my recovery is MINE to deal with and, though it feels a little harsh to hear in this vulnerable time, i know that the only way for things to work out is for me to reckon with myself and find that deep self love and acceptance. none of this is about her, nor can she do anything more than shes already doing to support me.

it just all feels like a lot on top of my sobriety- and maybe it is. and i guess i just have to decide if its too much for me to deal with a relationship during this critical time of self-discovery and healing.

to CheckedShirtMatt- thank you for your words on sobriety. its very comforting knowing that the intensity and delth of my feelings are just part of the healing process. and i am actually gonna seek out talk therapy. for the first time in my life i feel that i need it. also- congratulations on 15 years!

again- thank you all for your support. it means a lot in this time.
 
shovelandhoe said:
my recovery is MINE to deal with and, though it feels a little harsh to hear in this vulnerable time, i know that the only way for things to work out is for me to reckon with myself and find that deep self love and acceptance. none of this is about her, nor can she do anything more than shes already doing to support me.
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-- Emphasis added by River

I found Tara Brach's book, Radical Acceptance, incredibly valuable for exploring self acceptance and self-loving, and recommend it highly.

I'd provide the link to the book, but I think we're not supposed to provide links to items deemed (potentially) commercial items in here. So Google the book if interested.
 
Other have already given you great advice.

I just wanted to add my support as you work on staying sober.

it just all feels like a lot on top of my sobriety- and maybe it is. and i guess i just have to decide if its too much for me to deal with a relationship during this critical time of self-discovery and healing.
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Yes. Spend some time thinking that out. That sounds reasonable.

Galagirl
 
Congrats on being clean and sober! Are you in AA?

In 12-step programs, they usually recommend no big changes in at least the first 90 days and sometimes even the first year. This is encouraged so you can focus on taking one day at a time to focus on "not picking up" your drug or drink of choice. Of course, trying to avoid big changes is all about managing your own life and decision-making, and doesn't have anything to do with changes that are happening in the lives of your loved ones - and life is rarely smooth-sailing for very long. So, shit comes along that you wind up having to deal with while working hard to stay sober.

I think that, when it gets tough for you to deal with your jealousy or thoughts of her with another, see if you can shift your attention to staying sober and teaching yourself how to function without drinking or drugging. Look at each day and thing you experience and celebrate even the smallest moments - "Wow, this is the first time I ever [went grocery-shopping/mowed the lawn/painted my living room/danced/talked to my mother/whatever] without having a drink or smoking a joint first! Cool!"

If you did join AA, you could attend meetings and get a sponsor to whom would be able to talk about the stuff that bothers you. Sitting in a room listening to other people's problems and triumphs is a great distraction from icky feelings. There are also a ton of great books out there on how to stay focused on your sobriety during tough challenges, mostly published by Hazelden, which you can find in a recovery-focused book store or Hazelden's website.

Besides all that, I just want to point out that jealousy is usually a response to underlying feelings of insecurity. In general jealousy is triggered by a fear of having something taken away from us (while envy is wanting what someone else has). What can help with bouts of jealousy is to drill down underneath it and get to the core of your fears. Ask yourself what-if questions and you can usually deconstruct the fears and subdue the rise of jealousy, because most of the time we see how unrealistic our fears are when asking ourselves these questions.

There is a member here, username Ariakas, who is poly and sober. Why not send him a PM just to touch base and ask for any words of wisdom?

Hang in there!
 
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