Opening from Monogomy and the feeeeeelings

BathedInSalt

BathedInSalt

New member
I started this poly journey, I brought it to my husband. I chose this and now that Dean is dating I'm feeling myself withdraw from him. I feel hypocritical. I also feel like we are still heading towards a more fulfilling future. I'm not sure how to handle these thoughts and feelings. I'm feeling more vulnerable than I have in a long while and I'm scared quite frankly. I have more people close to me and more opportunities for heartbreak. It's been a fear of mine from the beginning but I moved forward anyways.
I'm hoping this distance is a phase, that I will find my bravery again and Dean and I will be fine, better than fine. I'm just in it right now. Really in it.
I think the changes that have happened in Dean and my relationship have come as a surprise even though from the beginning people here have said that our marriage will change.
At first Dean and I felt stronger than ever, it doesn't feel that way now though.
Dean said he has felt all the things I'm feeling when I started dating and that they pass, things get better.

So, how will our bond stay while we are putting energy into other relationships?

I know that there are other things going on in my life that are amplifying these feelings, things that have nothing to do with us being other people. I'm trying to separate, but I only have one heart and it's hurting.

I don't think I've made a mistake, but I feel silly for feeling sad that he's dating.
I know part of me wished that he would decide he was monogamous and that makes me feel awful. selfish. needy.
I am going through a period of grief for what we had I think.

I am standing on my own two feet. The experience has made it more clear that we are all individuals dealing with our own shit on our own. I don't think that's a bad thing really. self-reliance isn't bad, autonomy is what I wanted and now I've got it.

I want to get back to the part where I was gushing about Dean giving me the space to have relationships how I see fit and the wonderful people I've connected with. Go back to gushing about Sir and how great that is.
Relief from these yucky feelings.

I think I'm just venting, but will fully accept any kind words, even stern ones that are truthful, but maybe won't feel so good hearing. Or just tell me I'm being ridiculous and that I need to get over myself. I need a mirror here.
 
Hi BIS,

It sounds like you are going through some yucky feelings due to your husband dating. These feelings will eventually pass. You must realize that your husband isn't going anywhere, he is staying by your side. Your relationship with him won't vanish but it will change. It is okay to mourn the old relationship, this is the new relationship. So do not be upset, just accept your feelings for what they are, and examine them for details such as what triggers them and why.

We are always here for you on the forum if you need to get advice or vent. Hang in there.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I guess what you feel has to be expected. You're doing fine. Make time to nurture yourself.
 
I'm sorry you struggle.

FWIW? I think you could stop calling yourself names like "hypocritical" or "silly" or "ridiculous" for feeling whatever it is you feel. It doesn't make the grief process any easier when you do that behavior.

Some feelings are fun to experience. Some are not. It is what it is. Wait it out. Usually they all pass over time if you let them.

It's ok to feel sad that the old normal is gone even as you look forward to the new normal.

(You dealing with dating) and (you dealing with Dean dating) are two different skill sets. Just because you deal with one set ok doesn't mean you deal with the other set just as well automatically. Just because I can cook doesn't mean I can bake. Related skills maybe... but not the same skill set.

I think you could focus on this:

So, how will our bond stay while we are putting energy into other relationships?
Click to expand...

Make the time for each other even as you make time for other people.

Rather than be your own self bully calling yourself names for having to deal with various feelings as you go through a big life change. The change is enough without you piling on more stuff like that.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
I'm getting better at embracing the uncomfortable feelings. I pinpointed a source of them . I was having trouble with Dean picking back up playing music as a result of dating Mary. I'm happy that he is playing, it's part of who he is and i'm happy for him. I was having trouble with it because I'm sad about not being the one who inspired him to do it. In my relationship with my eldest's father I was his muse and I loved every minute of playing that part. I miss that. I miss inspiring someone artistically. It had nothing to do with Dean or Mary and everything to do with me. I was able to express this feeling to Dean and we talked about other ways in which I've inspired him. It was good to hear.
I even wound up playing with the vibraphone that Dena brought home from Mary's house. I figured I could be annoyed and miserable or I could enjoy myself and have fun with Dean. Let Mary add to our lives. It felt like a very mature choice.

I have new yucky feelings I'm dissecting. I know you've heard it all before, but now it's my turn to be sad about having more people and spending more time alone. It feels like they all don't have time for me, which is completely false. They do all have jobs and other partners though. I'll get through this too. I'll figure out what I need to feel important.
I already voiced something to Dean about wanting him to make plans with me. As the nesting partner it's easy to see our time in the same vicinity as time together, but we have 3 kids and responsibilities so that's not what's happening here. It's not like the concentrated together time I get with Sir or he gets with Mary. Also historically if I don't arrange child care Dean and I don't go out. Now I'm seeing him arrange things for Mary, because he has to in order to see her. So I asked him to do that for me too. It's something that's bothers me in our marriage for years, but a battle I haven't wanted to pick because ehe is so amazing in other areas. Now with Mary I know it will start to bother me in a way I can't excuse.
I've been really good at telling Sir what I need too. I told him it was hard for me, He said He couldn't tell. So I guess i'm getting the knack of expressing my needs.
Both Dean and Sir are good at providing what I need to the it's reasonable. It has been so far and I'm pretty sure they'd tell me if I wasn't being reasonable.
 
I am not a big believer in "equal" and "hypocritical" if not, etc. I don't think there is (or can be) a score board on who has how many relationships and who handles what well and so on.

When you dated and he came to terms with it in his own way, it was one situation. It is him dating now and you are coming to terms with it. It is easy to do a simplistic expectation reversal to match the role reversal, but both of you are very different people. You will differ in your ability to be a hinge, you will differ in your needs for reassurance, you will differ in your emotional capacity to be there for each other and so on.

As a result, there is no rule that says you have to be equally quick to adapt or you're hypocritical. In my view, it isn't really all that different from if he were to begin dating before you - other than the pressure on you to accept as easily as he did. If he is a good hinge or if you are less or more inclined to jealousy or insecurity or how the other partners behave.... all these things can be completely different in relationship to relationship and have different impacts.

I suggest you be kind to yourself and stop thinking it is hypocritical to be a bit anxious when there is a change in the attention you receive from someone important to you. Particularly the loss of what was, till now exclusive. Talk to him, ask for the reassurance you need. Give yourself all the advice you'd give to someone landing up here with "new to poly, emotional wreck, need advice" and accept it as a new phase in your poly journey :)
 
BathedInSalt said:
I have new yucky feelings I'm dissecting. I know you've heard it all before, but now it's my turn to be sad about having more people and spending more time alone. It feels like they all don't have time for me, which is completely false. They do all have jobs and other partners though. I'll get through this too. I'll figure out what I need to feel important.
Click to expand...

I do think this is fairly common. I know I've felt like that. People think poly means you have all these people available to you all the time. it's not like that at all. In fact, it can make a person feel even more lonely when they realize they are on their own for a night or three. I guess because it seems like it shouldn't be like that.
 
Currently packing my kids' lunches while Dean and Mary are walking the neighborhood.
My mind races to places I don't want it to.
Why can't I give Dean the same thing he's given me? I mean I guess in reality I am giving it to him. He was here, with her. I wound up having to take care of the kids instead of hanging out, but still it all happened.
Inside though, in my head I can't stand thought off them holding hands and kissing.
She mentioned something about his schedule and I realized she's like in his life, in in in it.
I'm having realizations. Eventually I'm going to have to list them and face them. I'm so tempted to make up arbitrary rules. It's easier not to see them together, not to have her at my house, not to have her interact with my kids. I'm having all kinds of yucky feelings as a result of this stuff and it's all my doing. I did this. I encouraged this. ugh.

I'm wondering if I can do poly with Dean or if I need to be on my own. Either way I have a hard road of my own choosing.
I don't understand why this is so hard for me.
 
Last edited:
Just remember that it takes TIME to process feelings. Just because you've identified feelings and would like to not have them, that doesn't just make them suddenly go away. It's ok if you need time to just feel your feelings and let them dissipate over time.

I mean, if months from now you're still hating everything, that's a different story. But I get the impression it hasn't been all that long since you've been processing each new feeling.
 
It does get easier, Bathed if you stick with it and work through your issues. And the thing is, it doesn't matter if you're with Dean or someone else, if you don't work through your fears and insecurities, they'll keep popping up with your new partners (unless they're all mono while you're poly...which imho is both unrealistic and unfair...but then you know that...)

Kevin posts some good resources on jealousy. You can look at those. The thing that helps me most is staying spiritually connected. I do that by meditating, practicing yoga, journaling, and praying (if you're so inclined.) When my head starts spinning (over anything, not just poly related), I pull it back to the present. I do that by taking note of the things that are happening around me. If I have to, I mentally name off things I see, smell, hear, or feel until my mind clears and I'm no longer ruminating over said issue. It also helps me to remind myself that these are just feelings, that they are temporary, they will pass. The last thing is something I used with some success last fall, when I was really struggling with Blue's relationship with Azure. I meditated on loving kindness and practiced sending it to Blue and Azure. It worked really well with Blue but not so much with his ex-partner, Azure.

And of course, you can close your relationship....or do poly on your own (though my gut still says these feelings will pop back up with new partners.)

The feelings will pass. It's inevitable. Everything is temporary. Keep reminding yourself that. ((Hugs))
 
PinkPig said:
(though my gut still says these feelings will pop back up with new partners.)
Click to expand...

I agree. I'm just not sure how to identify all the problems that are causing the feelings.
I have been talking it out and that helps.
Making a list sends me spiraling and that's no good.
I know some are rooted in possessiveness. Like nothing is mine anymore. My house, my husband, my kids. I'm sharing everything, even the most intimate moments with Dean.

I got a great sense of security from being "his", or rather from him being "mine" even though that doesn't line up with my philosophy at all.

Pretty soon, probably while I'm gone this weekend Dean will have sex with Mary so that's not even mine anymore.

Not that along ago I was telling Dean that even when we are having sex with other people that no one will have the connection that he and I have. Not because it's better or any kind of value thing, but because no one is him and no one is me. I wish to god I could internalize that belief like right now.


I know my insecurities are being fed by not feeling special, feeling replaceable. Feeling useful to Dean, but not much more. I have needs that are not being met by him and not being met by myself. I don't even feel it's fair to complain most of the time. I should just be gracious. I dunno. I'm conflicted at best.

I'm also painfully aware of how reliant I am on Dean. We have three kids and while I have a career I can't afford to work it right now b/c of childcare costs. It doesn't make sense. I'm left feeling very unstable. I couldn't live on my own if I wanted. I'm at his mercy. This comes into play because as we move away from monogamous thinking our partnership has changed. We've lost our sense of team.

I know a lot of this doesn't make sense. I know it. Tell that to my heart.

So, here's something. Sir has a long term partner and I don't have any of these feelings about Him. Probably because He was never mine to begin with? She was always part of the deal? Why do I feel safe in that relationship? Why don't I get sick to my stomach when I think about Him with her? I'm not gonna say everything's been sunshine and rainbows, but it's not night's spent crying till 2am. Not even close. Sir does use the terms "mine" sometimes, like "there's My girl" and He has expressed a feeling of possessiveness about me. Dean doesn't do those things and he probably shouldn't and I'm not comparing them. I'm just trying to figure out why the same actions hurt when Dean does them and not when Sir does. Is it simply because of Dean and my history, because of how our relationship was rooted?

I still feel like a hypocrite, I still feel like I'm moving to a place of doing poly solo.
I also feel like I have no idea what I'm doing.

Dean and I need to reconnect, but I don't even want him to touch me right now.

I decided to treat this like a grieving period, because I am grieving the old. So I shouldn't make any big decisions, but I have to make some small adjustments for my own sanity.

Months of what I'm feeling now isn't going to work for me.
 
Hopefully they'll help.
 
Is counseling an option? I re-started counseling last fall when I was feeling much like you (except that we were not financially entangled or married and that makes it a world of difference.) My therapist is not a poly therapist but she does have some experience with open relationships, and has experience with codependency, and LGBTQ issues. It has been extremely helpful.

As to the difference with Sir... I think it depends on the person, but for me, being the new partner to someone in an existing couple was much easier than being the old partner. In the first, we have all the NRE, no existing baggage, and tempered expectations (or at least I do.) OTOH, being the old partner, the NRE is usually long faded, there's baggage and expectations. It can feel more like something's being given up/taken away as opposed to receiving. It does get easier, and it can make your relationship with Dean stronger. There is beauty in understanding that your partner is with you because he chooses to be, not because you have/are something he can't get elsewhere. Yes, we can replace partners, but that doesn't make the partners interchangeable. JMO
 
PinkPig said:
Is counseling an option?
Click to expand...

Yes, I'm currently seeing a counselor on a regular basis. Life hasn't always been kind to me so I see her on a maintenance schedule.

I plan on bringing my homework to her next time we meet so we can work on it together.

Thank you for taking the time to help me with this.
I realize in my last long post in this thread that I'm kinda spinning out. The pie chart is giving me some direction.

My main issue is beating myself up for having the feelings I am having.
I've always struggled with insecurity and recently I thought I was in a better place with it. Clearly I'm not and that reinforces the insecurity. So annoying.

I don't know why Dean is with me, why he chose me. Now I have to figure out if those feelings are rooted in anything real or if it's just me hating on myself. No amount of other people telling me I'm awesome makes me believe I am. I have to choose to believe it? (Is that right?). I only know how to feel that when I'm forced to. When I'm alone I stand on my own two feet, but I"m not alone. I am loved a lot by amazing people, specifically two amazing partners.
Sometimes I can look at my friends and realize I must be worth something if they are here. Most of the time that's hard to see and believe.

I am walking the same circle, the same path as I have since I was a kid and I'm soon done. It's holding me back from my potential. Why can't I just let it go?
I would tell a friend to tell those feelings to fuck off.
That are so deep rooted in me that they lay in wait of a vulnerable moment.
I need an exorcism lol
Really, where can I get one?
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top