Opening Our Dyad to a Triad

[PhysicsIsPants]

Hello,

I am a 27 y/o male who is married to a 26 y/o women. We have been married for a little over 8.5 years. We are both inexperienced in the dating world. She was my second girlfriend and I was her third boyfriend (first serious one). We met during our first semester of college, become close friends, and ended up falling in love with each other. We are very new to polyamory and I feel that it is important to explain what brought us to explore it as an option.

A little over 3 years ago we met a woman who become our mutual best friend, probably the best one that we've ever had. At some point, our feelings for her changed... We don't know when... But my wife and I started to talk to each other about how we would be happy to share a home with her and couldn't imagine moving away from her (which is something that could happen in a couple years).

My wife started to have an issue with her libido about a year ago. Intercourse has never been a pivotal part of our relationship; however, the complete absence of it ended up in some emotional issues for me. We explored the possibility that the drop in libido was due to issues between the two of us (because our research into decreased female libido seem to all point that way) and ended up concluding that the two of us were solid. She literally just experienced a loss in drive that wasn't due to our relationship and unfortunately, there isn't much research into non-emotional female libido issues.

During this time I turned to our best friend as a confidant. My wife and I had settled on the thought that I would just need to figure out how to be okay and hope that one day her libido would come back. Then during a conversation with our friend, she told me about a triad that she had been a part of some years back and told me more about such relationships. I went home that night and discussed that conversation with my wife, and I was surprised to find that we were willing to consider this as an option.

We did not want our relationship to be primary with the other individual being secondary. We wanted to have the third individual brought in as a primary with no boundaries, a full complete transition from primary dyad to primary triad. In addition, we both also felt that there was only one person that we would consider trying this with. So we asked her... She had apparently thought about it before but didn't think that we would be willing to consider such a thing, and further figured that if we did that we wouldn't consider her as an option.

So a little over two months ago we started dating our best friend. We all feel like we were headed this direction. The libido issues that my wife experienced were a catalyst; however, our relationship had been pushing the bounds of "just friends" for a while.

 

[kdt26417]

Greetings PhysicsIsPants,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Sounds like you have created a wonderful relationship with your mutual best friend. I wish the very best for you, and hope Polyamory.com can be of help.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

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If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!

 

[FeatherFool]

Hey! Nice to see someone else in a triad on here: it doesn't seem to be very common in the polyverse. There are definitely challenges to a triad configuration, but there are definite benefits, too

Hope to see you around.

 

[FieryFlames]

Hi from the wife!

Hello - this is the wife popping in to say hi. I'll write my own intro later but since I just created my account, I wanted to slide on in here!

Edited to add: My intro thread is now up!

 

[Technicallygold]

Hello to both of you!

I'm very happy that you guys seem to have mutually figured yourselves out and done what's best for you, and that you were willing to try something still relatively non-traditional. You have all my best hopes that things go well for all three of you, and that you've found something great.

As someone who would like a similar setup for herself, it makes me glad to see your story.

All the best.

 

[Spork]

Hello to both of ya!

Just asked this of another poster in another thread, but feel it merits a mention here...

Birth control a factor, or other hormonal considerations?

Health stuff? Getting enough sleep? Stress a potential thing?

Also, I am curious if your triad allows for FieryFlames to explore other possibilities as well, or would that trigger upset of "you didn't want me but now you want so-and-so"...? Because honestly, experiencing an injection of good old fashioned NRE, or maybe being introduced to some new kinks that other partners might bring to the table might just throw some fuel on the flames and get things interesting again. I hope that the friend is more than a bandaid on a low libido problem...it would be cool if the original couple could re-ignite those fires and still keep things golden as a triad (or a quad, or a polycule of whatever configuration!) ultimately.

 

[PhysicsIsPants]

Birth control a factor, or other hormonal considerations?

Health stuff? Getting enough sleep? Stress a potential thing?

Birth control was before, but isn't anymore. She was on the pill for a while and stopped taking it around four years ago. While on the pill there were some issues with decreased libido that would arise and seemed to be temporarily recovered when she would switch between pill types (I think she tried three or four different progesterone/estrogen ratios). When she stopped taking the pill, she experienced a surge of libido which lasted about a month and then it kind of fizzled from there until about a year ago she realized that she just didn't have a libido at all.

As far as health issues, she has spoken with her doctor and the only suggestion that they have is couples counseling. There simply isn't much research into the physiological causes of a decrease in female libido. Unfortunately, it has historically been colloquially attributed to emotional turmoil and that bias in the perspective of researchers (until more recently that is...) has influenced the perceived need for more substantial investigations into the issue. Stress is certainly a contributing factor; however, from what we can it tell is not a majority player in this case.

Also, I am curious if your triad allows for FieryFlames to explore other possibilities as well, or would that trigger upset of "you didn't want me but now you want so-and-so"...?

At this point the three of us are only wanting to work on developing our triad; however, the exploration of other possibilities is indeed something that is open for discussion if FireyFlames or our third would like to do so. I should note that since we started this, she has seen some short bursts (1-2 days) of recovered libido. We think that this is largely do to excitement about the new dynamic of our relationship with our third. She is actually interested in exploring herself sexually with our third; however, hasn't gotten comfortable enough to pursue that yet.

I hope that the friend is more than a bandaid on a low libido problem...

Our friend is much more than a band-aid. All three of us are wanting this to be a permanent development. That is part of why we wanted to transition to a primary triad rather than just introducing a secondary relationship to our primary dyad. It is hard to explain, but our friendship before we asked her to date us would probably be best described as queerplatonic. We each had independently started to question what we would do without the other two and, as I said in my OP, all three of us feel like we were headed in this direction. In other words, my wife's decreased libido catalyzed the development of our relationship so that it progressed a bit faster than it would of otherwise, but the final result of us transitioning into a primary triad was the end result either way.

 

[FieryFlames]

Hey there, Spork! This is the wife.
I'll edit this later tonight to add my two cents, but I thought some of your questions might be answered by my intro thread. I'll be back tonight to add more!

Edited to add: Yeah, birth control was definitely a problem before. I had a libido on the lower end of average before I got on the pill, the pill kind of killed it, and it seems that it never fully recovered after the hormonal shenanigans. I've avoided hormonal contraception like the plague ever since. I've recently begun to consider an IUD, but I feel like would need to get the hormonal one instead of the copper one due to my heavy and irregular menstrual cycles (the copper one can make cramping/bleeding worse - no thank you).

I definitely thought the libido drop was stress/lack of sleep at first. I was having a ton of issues at work and with family when this issue peaked and I thought once the work stuff settled down I would feel better, but I didn't. In fact, I'd say it got worse because I kept trying to engage in sex hoping that I would feel more into it once things got going, and... nope. This is one of those times where I dropped the ball on communication and I didn't admit to myself or PhysicsIsPants (PIP? lol) that it was such a problem until I reached a point where I physically and mentally couldn't push myself anymore - at that point, I was actually sex-repulsed. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Talking to each other helps more than anything else, and I knew that, but I was so emotionally upset about not understanding why my libido dropped and feeling bad about it that I avoided discussing it at all. *facepalm* That was a huge fuck-up in every conceivable way.

Once we did talk openly about what was going on, we ended up stepping back; PIP agreed to avoid sexual touching/talk with me so that I could right my ship again. Fortunately, I wasn't repulsed by my husband - just sexual acts - so I knew I could recover. And that was actually the period of time when we confirmed to ourselves that our relationship is solid af. We realized that the sex wasn't even the biggest issue - it was the intimacy that comes with sex that we both needed. So during the period of time that we weren't doing sexual things, we ended up cuddling and touching a lot more. We already cuddle and touch a LOT, so what ended up happening was extreme... we'd get home from work, eat a quick dinner, and lay on the couch cuddling and watching Netflix until it was time for bed. Weekends were spent in much the same way. We did more holding of hands, combing of fingers through the other's hair, just being in any sort of physical contact we could manage. And it wasn't forced - we both wanted to give and receive that affection, and it was a relief to know that we both wanted and needed the non-sexual physical contact. Granted, we got absolutely nothing work- or home-related accomplished at all during that time (how could we, being cuddly slugs?) but we were productively working on our relationship and it was so worth it.

We are mostly past that now, and I'm okay with sexual acts again but still don't feel desire very often. That situation was definitely a huge blow to both of us at the time and it's taken months to get things sorted individually and together. (I don't know how many times I will do something stupid like that before I learn that talking about it has never ended badly... and keeping it to myself tends to blow up in my face and sometimes causes collateral damage.)

On the topic of exploration, we've agreed that if anyone wants to expand, that's up for open discussion. I don't foresee myself wanting to do so, but I guess you never know. Here's the thing: as an asexual, I don't experience sexual attraction. Libido can be there (in my case, it's mostly not) but a new sexual partner for me is not particularly enticing. I've been feeling sexual arousal more over the possibility and reality of PIP and our friend being emotionally and physically intimate than any sexual attraction/interest of my own directed at them.

Something we realized in this foray into polyamory is that PIP and I don't feel jealous or possessive of each other (and we're fairly certain that we never have). We do, however, feel very protective. For instance, when I thought about PIP kissing/touching/having sex with our friend, my first thought was that I was worried about how they would treat each other. I wanted PIP to be loved tenderly, the way I love him, and to feel loved and appreciated. And I wanted him to love her tenderly, the way he loves me, so that she feels loved and appreciated. I bristled a bit at the thought of one of them mistreating the other, but I didn't bristle at the thought of them being together. And the bristling was clearly a hurt feeling, not an angry/upset feeling. As PIP noted in his reply, I'm also open to developing a sexual relationship with her (and he is supportive). The stumbling block there, for me at least, is that I'm worried about my libido issues, as I'm certain the recent uptick is due to NRE. I don't want to start something and then fizzle out indefinitely again.

We did discuss with our friend when we proposed the triad that we didn't want her to be a band-aid; we wanted her to be a full partner with the intent of a long-term relationship. In that discussion, we all shared that none of us can imagine our lives without the others. Our friendship was definitely trending this way already, as well. She's a bit skittish about permanence so we've tried to make things low-pressure. We would love for this to be permanent, but we've made it clear that we prefer that she's happy, and if that means it isn't with us... so be it. We want her in our life in whatever way is comfortable for all of us.

 

[opalescent]

Book recommendation

PIP, FF (and triad member to be named),

I suggest all three of you read Emily Nagoski's 'Come as you are'. It's the single best book on female desire I've ever read. I suggest this not to 'fix' anyone - you all seem just fine - but I'm recommending to anyone who had any interaction with women's desire.

FF, if you are asexual or not a cisgender woman, it may be less useful (the author recognizes the limitations of the book) but still a good read.

https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1476762090?pc_redir=T1

 

[FieryFlames]

PIP, FF (and triad member to be named),

I suggest all three of you read Emily Nagoski's 'Come as you are'. It's the single best book on female desire I've ever read. I suggest this not to 'fix' anyone - you all seem just fine - but I'm recommending to anyone who had any interaction with women's desire.

FF, if you are asexual or not a cisgender woman, it may be less useful (the author recognizes the limitations of the book) but still a good read.

https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1476762090?pc_redir=T1

Thanks for the suggestion. I looked at the 1-star reviews and it sounds like I will love this book. I feel like I can tell a lot about the content of the book by looking at what people are upset about... and the things those one-star reviewers hated are things that I would be favorable towards!

Thanks for the disclaimer about asexuality and cisgender concerns. The asexuality thing is interesting because I don't experience sexual attraction, but have (had) a libido. I was interested in having sex, but don't really find anyone sexually attractive. Aesthetic and/or sensual attraction is about as close as it gets, so sexual interest generally gets directed in that manner. In short, any sort of advice/suggestions about what to do in regards to my libido usually fall way short. This definitely sounds like it's worth a read, though - thanks again.

 

[Spork]

I'm totally gonna get and read that book, too, after I ask Zen if he's already got it. The guy has got tons of books on relationships and pleasing women. If he doesn't have it, well, I'll buy it and we'll both be reading it, I'm sure!

So. You have some interest from a sensual standpoint but not an "attracted to people" standpoint. This is interesting!

Reminds me a little of how I say that I like love scenes in mainstream movies, things that portray passion and sensuality, but not really porn, which I find too mechanical. Sex portrayed different ways.

Have you looked into kink/BDSM? Before you get too far on what I mean by that, understand I'm not necessarily talking whips, chains, kneeling and ouch. I know tons of sensualists in my local kink scene (I'm dating a married couple who are both definitely sensualists.) And you can't throw a stone in the dungeon without hitting a massage therapist, seriously! Thing is, there are techniques of play that are considered "edge play" or kink, that are in fact just creative ways of doing stuff that feels good. Not even necessarily sexual (although many techniques can and do get adapted that direction.) Steer clear of 50 Shades, but look into some of the techniques such as wax, fire, electricity (turned down very low, a violet wand is just a really neat massage accessory), cupping, and so on.

Having enjoyable sensual experiences on the regular might help activate some of those nice chemical connections in the brain, don'tcha know...

But it's important to do research before you experiment, some of these things can be unsafe if not learned properly. If you ever have any questions, feel free to PM me because I LOVE to talk about this subject.

 

[FieryFlames]

So. You have some interest from a sensual standpoint but not an "attracted to people" standpoint. This is interesting!

This is always hard to explain to others, and I'm never sure we have the same concept in mind by the end of it, lol. It's sensual in the context of being in physical contact with someone else. I want to hold hands, cuddle, stroke, etc. but don't have any sort of sexual attraction or desire to have sex with them (this is even if I'm horny, by the way). It's kind of difficult to explain how I feel attraction and how it intersects with my libido and sexual desires, because for me they are completely separate. It's like... when I am sexually aroused, it's not directed at anyone. I'm just as happy to take care of it myself as I am to engage with another person; however, the motivation to engage with someone else just isn't there. I also don't get aroused by attractive people, though a sexual situation can arouse me... but I'm not getting aroused by the people themselves, nor do I have the desire to engage in sex with them. I have no idea how much sense that makes to anyone else...

Have you looked into kink/BDSM?

I haven't looked into it, per se, but I have found kink/BDSM smut to be arousing. I read The Boss series by Abigail Barnette and loved it; however, I don't have a personal interest in doing the things I read about. It's great to read about, and it can sometimes get me going, but I don't think I would be turned on if it were me in that actual situation.

Having enjoyable sensual experiences on the regular might help activate some of those nice chemical connections in the brain, don'tcha know...

Fair enough, and in retrospect I think that the times I've been most receptive to sex is often when there's been a lot of cuddling and tenderness immediately beforehand. But cuddling and tenderness isn't a surefire path to arousal for me, either. I feel like most of the time I just enjoy the sensual touching, and it's not at all connected to sexual desire. When it is, it's usually a surprise to me. Moving from sensual touching to sexual touching doesn't generally happen for me - it's like they're two parallel but separate pathways that are sort of related, but not necessarily connected.

But it's important to do research before you experiment, some of these things can be unsafe if not learned properly. If you ever have any questions, feel free to PM me because I LOVE to talk about this subject.

Oh definitely. PIP and I tend to research the shit out of everything (we even researched polyamory and triads before we asked our friend for a triad relationship) so if we decide to try any of that, we'll make sure we're well informed. And thanks, I'll hit you up via PM if we have questions! You're always welcome to talk about it with us, too, if you feel there's something relevant you want to share. We aren't easily bothered by such topics, and if we became uncomfortable we'd let you know.

 

[Spork]

This is always hard to explain to others, and I'm never sure we have the same concept in mind by the end of it, lol. It's sensual in the context of being in physical contact with someone else. I want to hold hands, cuddle, stroke, etc. but don't have any sort of sexual attraction or desire to have sex with them (this is even if I'm horny, by the way). It's kind of difficult to explain how I feel attraction and how it intersects with my libido and sexual desires, because for me they are completely separate. It's like... when I am sexually aroused, it's not directed at anyone. I'm just as happy to take care of it myself as I am to engage with another person; however, the motivation to engage with someone else just isn't there. I also don't get aroused by attractive people, though a sexual situation can arouse me... but I'm not getting aroused by the people themselves, nor do I have the desire to engage in sex with them. I have no idea how much sense that makes to anyone else...



I haven't looked into it, per se, but I have found kink/BDSM smut to be arousing. I read The Boss series by Abigail Barnette and loved it; however, I don't have a personal interest in doing the things I read about. It's great to read about, and it can sometimes get me going, but I don't think I would be turned on if it were me in that actual situation.



Fair enough, and in retrospect I think that the times I've been most receptive to sex is often when there's been a lot of cuddling and tenderness immediately beforehand. But cuddling and tenderness isn't a surefire path to arousal for me, either. I feel like most of the time I just enjoy the sensual touching, and it's not at all connected to sexual desire. When it is, it's usually a surprise to me. Moving from sensual touching to sexual touching doesn't generally happen for me - it's like they're two parallel but separate pathways that are sort of related, but not necessarily connected.



Oh definitely. PIP and I tend to research the shit out of everything (we even researched polyamory and triads before we asked our friend for a triad relationship) so if we decide to try any of that, we'll make sure we're well informed. And thanks, I'll hit you up via PM if we have questions! You're always welcome to talk about it with us, too, if you feel there's something relevant you want to share. We aren't easily bothered by such topics, and if we became uncomfortable we'd let you know.

I'll try to make one more point on the subject...but not go further right now, 'cause I feel like I'm hijacking your intro LOL!

(But you seem super cool and I like talking to you and Mr. Pants.)

One thing that happily surprised me when I got into the BDSM/kink scene is that there I am, going to these parties right...and they are not about sex. Not really, not mostly, sometimes not at all. There is a common impression that sex is the whole point, and for a lot of practitioners...it isn't. There are asexuals who participate and get good things out of it.

I've found a community of people who are heaps into self exploration, and helping each other explore. For many it's therapy. For some it's just fun. For some it's a life philosophy or a spiritual experience. And sure, for some, it's sexual. It is what you make it and there is no one right way...except informed consent...that is the one tenet that never changes.

So, a person might go to a party and have an experience that could range anywhere from a nice sensual massage, all the way to a rather severe beating (as they wish and negotiate and consent to)...they might do so with their own trusted partner, or with a "service top" (a person at the party who just agrees to do a scene with someone)...and no one has any particular expectation that sex is any part of it. Seeing actually sexual acts (meaning, those involving direct stimulation of the genitals) is actually somewhat uncommon at the parties, although there is plenty of nudity.

I share all of this...not in the spirit of persuading you that this is something you should look for or try necessarily....but in the spirit of "fun facts you might not know."

So you enjoy cuddles, probably backrubs, someone running fingers through your hair...those things feel good, and you like them...what's the business of sex about, other than people doing things with and to each other that feel good? You do have a right to be able to say, "THIS is an experience that I enjoy and want to have. THAT is an experience that I do not particularly wish to have at this point." And that is ok! Really you are only obligated to fix anything, if you WANT to fix or change it. And you're always free to grow and change your mind later.

Just a thought but... Maybe at this time, snuggling IS your sex? Maybe that is simply the level of sexual need (intimate need) that you have right now? I'm happy that you have found polyamory, because I think in mono society, it's much harder to be a woman who is in a spot like this. Your mate, whom you love, needs things that you don't right now. In mono culture, one of you is broken and needs fixed. In poly culture, you can ease some of that pressure. You can fill the needs he has that you do fill and other needs can be met with another partner, and that is fine with all! I've always felt that poly takes off a lot of the pressure to be All The Things for your partner.

 

[PhysicsIsPants]

Maybe at this time, snuggling IS your sex? Maybe that is simply the level of sexual need (intimate need) that you have right now?

That is actually the same conclusion that we came two a while back. For FF and I, intercourse has always been more about the emotional intimacy and physical closeness. The aspects of physical gratification are certainly wonderful, pleasurable, and desirable, but simply are not the focal point for us. When her libido tanked there was difficulty in understanding why she had lost desire for the emotional and sensual intimacy that we both felt could be achieved through intercourse with each other; however, we came to realize that she was still desiring it but was just able to achieve satisfaction from cuddling alone (from our summation, at least in part a consequence of her asexuality).

(But you seem super cool and I like talking to you and Mr. Pants.)

For what it is worth, we've enjoyed talking with you as well. ^_^

 

[Magdlyn]

Well, I hope there is not some underlying medical problem associated with FF's sudden loss of libido. And even when horny, no desire to have sex with her trusted partner. It sounds like the docs are being rather cavalier about it all.

Do you two have kids? Are you breastfeeding? Are you sleep deprived?

My female partner's libido kind of goes up and down since she suffers from anxiety disorder. That can make her get too worried and tense and almost seem to forget sex exists. Then she comes around when her particular trigger is dealt with. So, we do have *some* sex, but not nearly enough for me. I do generally have another partner, and I seek men with good strong libidos who can work me over good. But sometime I am in need of release when gf isn't in the mood, or bf isn't available.

In those cases, gf and I have worked out that we can hold each other while I masturbate. I can touch her body, just not her breasts or genitals. This helps me get off more quickly and better than I would just masturbating on my own. Sometimes she even fingers me to "help me out" as long as I understand she's not in the mood to be touched in her erotic areas herself.

Would that work for you two? I learned it from a married female friend who had worked it out with her husband, that she would hold him when he jerked off, when she wasn't in the mood. It's nicer sometimes than going off alone to take care of oneself, imo.

 

[PhysicsIsPants]

Well, I hope there is not some underlying medical problem associated with FF's sudden loss of libido.

We have been concerned about the same thing. The problem is that both her PCP and OB-GYN have been unhelpful... She would like to find a new OB-GYN but that has been more difficult that one would expect. We aren't in what I would consider to be a large metropolitan area; however, we do have a level one trauma center (which also happens to be the best burn facility in the state) and a level two trauma center. There is seemingly an over saturation of medical professionals, but getting an appointment with an OB-GYN as a new patient is something like 9+ months and that is only if they are even accepting new patients.

Do you two have kids? Are you breastfeeding? Are you sleep deprived?

We do not have any children. She is not sleep deprived generally speaking, but always appreciates more than what she gets during the work week.

...mood to be touched in her erotic areas herself.

Would that work for you two? I learned it from a married...

That is something that we have never directly discussed; however, it might be something that we could consider. I think she mentioned it in one of her early replies on this thread that she begin to experience sex repulsion. For FF, sex includes all kinds of sexual contact and touching. So in her case not wanting sex also means not wanting to receive nor give any kind of sexual touching.

 

[Magdlyn]

That really sucks for you guys. I'm sorry. It does sound like being on hormonal birth control threw her all out of whack. It's good you've got this friend who is interested in an intimate relationship! Have you started making love? Not to pry, but if you have, I hope it's nice and enjoyable and all the good stuff.

 

[PhysicsIsPants]

It's good you've got this friend who is interested in an intimate relationship!

Indeed, both FF and I feel very lucky. We've known her for three years, but for a little under the past two it has kind of been the three of us running around and taking on the world. Between weekend getaways to renaissance festivals, up to week long sleep overs to binge-watch Netflix or play video games, and normally making time to hang out at least a couple days a week we ended up growing really close as a unit.

It is actually kind of funny... I am close with my mother and after we asked our friend out I ended up telling my mom a couple days later. I didn't intend to because I wasn't sure how she would respond, but it just kind of came out. My mother's response was... "Okay... Well it doesn't surprise me." She said that because of how much FF and I talked about our friend when we would visit for Christmas (we live far enough away from family that Christmas is the only time that we generally visit). There was apparently something in the tone of our voices and our facial expressions that made her wonder if something was there.

We were so scared that our friend wouldn't be interested and would feel weirded out once we asked. We were all sitting on the couch together at her place and FF was hiding behind me with only her eyes poking over my right shoulder. As I explained what we were looking for, our friend's face became more slack and her eyes started to tear up a just little bit. Later she told me that while I was explaining she had been mentally preparing herself because she just knew that I was going to ask her to help us find someone else rather than tell her that we wanted to date her. She just knew it... And didn't want her face to reveal how disappointed she was going to be.

The three of us feel like our relationship was headed this direction... We all find it very serendipitous that we ended up together... and together.

Have you started making love?

Unfortunately, that is much more than a yes or no question. A little over a month and a half ago we made love for the first time, and it was wonderful; however, we have not engaged again since. A few days afterwards, an emotionally devastating loss personally and a slew of mentally and emotionally taxing events at work pushed her to a point that she emotionally shut down. She is someone that compartmentalizes (with somewhat astonishing proficiency) and essentially battened down the hatches to push through the storm. The storm was torrential enough that it wasn't until a little under two weeks ago that she cracked the doors back open. Her and FF are going to be leaving for Vegas tomorrow for some much needed R&R and hopefully we will be able to discuss resuming our sexual exploration of each other once they return.

 

[FieryFlames]

Wow, I'm really late to the replies here. Sorry.

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Spork - We're appreciating the thoughtful replies, no worries about hijacking. We like talking to you too!

I appreciate the additional info about BDSM/kink. I wasn't aware of some of that, and maybe we'll end up checking it out. Maybe we'll like it and, if not, we can at least say we gave it a shot.

(Can I just say that I'm loving the frank and open discussions we're getting in our intro threads? There aren't many friends we could talk to like this, and it's great.)

Yes, I suppose you could say snuggling is our sex. I hit a hard bout of depression over my libido issues, and I think much of it was guilt and a sense of failure due to exactly what you described - needing to be All The Things. While PIP never pressured or guilted me about sex, I definitely pressured and guilted myself (which led me down an even worse road). Considering a poly relationship made me feel a lot better, even before actually agreeing to one, because it lifted that pressure to "fix" myself. I didn't have to be everything. I could just be me. I like that a lot.

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Magdlyn - I kind of wonder if my libido issues are related to my anxiety as well. :-\

I think earlier this year when we were first discussing my libido and what to do about it, that wouldn't have been an option for me. I was outright averse to sexual anything. Now... we might be able to try it and see if that works for us. Thanks for the suggestion.

We feel very lucky to have our friend in our lives, and even more so now that we're venturing into this triad together. She's such a wonderful person, and it's nice to be able to express our love for her without hitting that wall o' friendship that says certain things are off limits. Granted, we had been nudging that wall farther and farther back for a while, but it's so much better without it there at all.

 

[Magdlyn]

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Magdlyn - I kind of wonder if my libido issues are related to my anxiety as well. :-\

Oh, so you suffer from anxiety disorder? Are you receiving treatment for that? My gf Pixi finds Wellbutrin and therapy to be a great help.

And she loves that I am poly and usually have a bf for vigorous sex. It takes the pressure off her to "perform," and can actually make her desire me more than if she felt responsible to satisfy me. Um, I have a high libido so satisfying me is an ongoing project lol. Our member Bluebird has a blog here, and she also needs lots of sex, and she has 3 bfs for that lol

I think earlier this year when we were first discussing my libido and what to do about it, that wouldn't have been an option for me. I was outright averse to sexual anything. Now... we might be able to try it and see if that works for us. Thanks for the suggestion.

You're welcome!

We feel very lucky to have our friend in our lives, and even more so now that we're venturing into this triad together. She's such a wonderful person, and it's nice to be able to express our love for her without hitting that wall o' friendship that says certain things are off limits. Granted, we had been nudging that wall farther and farther back for a while, but it's so much better without it there at all.

You are lucky! So many "unicorn hunters" come here looking for their "third," but it never really works that way, to seek a stranger to put in a box of both your needs. It only works when it happens organically, as it did for Bluebird (who doesn't have a triad per se), or FeatherFool, who has also blogged about her MMF triad in our blog section.