Opening Up, Need Support

dancepants said:
Smash, I'm a new poster. I created a log in because I'm concerned for your girlfriend.

I'm wary of relationships with large power dynamics. I think that they can be fine, but I think the person who has more power (age, gender, experience here with you) has more responsibility. I think it is your responsibility to model good relationship behavior here for your girlfriend. The campsite rule comes to mind. Leave a younger lover better off than when you found them.

You are not modeling good relationship behavior. You are treating your girlfriend very, very poorly. Up and then down, push and then pull. This is unhealthy behavior. It is unneedlessly dramatic, with jewelry and metaphores, and BIG MEANING. It seems you are going through that personally. But you are dragging her down with you.

Make a decision and sit with it. Don't call, don't negotiate, just be still. Please, please just leave her be.
Click to expand...

I agree with this...
 
dancepants said:
Smash, I'm a new poster. I created a log in because I'm concerned for your girlfriend.

I'm wary of relationships with large power dynamics. I think that they can be fine, but I think the person who has more power (age, gender, experience here with you) has more responsibility. I think it is your responsibility to model good relationship behavior here for your girlfriend. The campsite rule comes to mind. Leave a younger lover better off than when you found them.

You are not modeling good relationship behavior. You are treating your girlfriend very, very poorly. Up and then down, push and then pull. This is unhealthy behavior. It is unneedlessly dramatic, with jewelry and metaphores, and BIG MEANING. It seems you are going through that personally. But you are dragging her down with you.

Make a decision and sit with it. Don't call, don't negotiate, just be still. Please, please just leave her be.
Click to expand...

I've been pretty down on myself lately, especially today. I came on here and read this and it was like the back hand of reality.

The worst thing I'm realizing now, is that I DID model good relationship behavior for the longest time. When S met me, I was a role model in my community. I was in great shape, had an extensive friend network, good friends with college faculty and local business owners, exceptional academic prowess, you name it.

After the move, I started becoming needy, desperate, and angry towards my friends and family. I picked fights over frivolous nonsense. I caused drama to make my life more interesting. I gained weight. I started blaming other people for my unhappiness; and while not directly, this all came onto S too. I reverted back to a younger, more insecure version of myself. I've been pissing and moaning all over the place. "It's so hard", I would say, moving to a new place alone where I barely know anyone. Feeling sorry for myself all the time. And who did I take it out on? HER. Because I knew she would listen, and that her attraction to me then could withstand it. I got complacent. Instead of trying to build a new social life, I clung to my old one. Despite this, I excelled more than ever in my studies and music career.

Yeah, I'm the common denominator. You're right about the power base. It's been becoming more obvious what was actually wrong with the relationship over the last couple weeks - me. In this sense, I'm glad that this experience happened. It's just the kick in the ass I needed. What I need to do is add VALUE to my life, so that I can add it to the other people in it. This reminds me of other times of loss in my life - being dumped, my uncle dying, military trauma, etc. Sitting around feeling sorry for myself never helped then. What helped is kicking my own ass into gear.

I can't tell you if simply leaving S is the right answer. The only answers I know to be true are that I should learn from what this opening up experience taught me - to take responsibility for my own life. I feel as though I have begun an upward path in my life again, and I'm sure that will continue if I end my relationship with S. I also believe that while leaving her will hurt both of us, she will be just fine. Instead of giving in so much to my own fears and worries, I should LISTEN to not just what S says but my own intuition. It wasn't until I feared losing her that I started actively working on myself. If we stay together, I'm just as likely to continue improving as I am to get complacent and needy again. I want to find the solution that is healthiest for both of us in the long run. If that means ending it, then that is exactly what I will do.

On Thursday, I see my counselor. S insisted on coming with me. There is no good reason to make a decision before then. I am not approaching this session with "how do we save our relationship" (which any good clinician would not predispose to) but with "what is best for both of us".
 
I think you two have a chance to make it, but you both seem very confused right now. Couples counseling, or individual counseling, can take well more than one or two sessions to make a difference and let you have clarity! I'd say you (personally) should commit to at least a year of counseling, and your gf can go with you as she has time from school to go.

Counseling breaks down old behaviors. That takes time. Then you are built back up again, which takes even longer. It is hard work, but well worth it.

She is very young, too young to make a lifelong commitment to a 31 year old man. It is quite true she may need to date many more people before settling down with one.

Nowadays many people do not commit to monogamy, living together, marriage, until they are 25-27. I know you're older, you want to nest, commit, get on with adult life. But, your gf is barely out of adolescence and needs more life experience of all kinds, it seems to me.
 
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