Hello everyone. I know it's only been two days, but they were rather long ones.
Saturday, March 14
After my last post, I went for a run (no music). While running, I was rehearsing how a breakup speech might go with S. I also started imagining myself with other women. The more I thought about being with someone else, the more I started to feel... sick. I realized that I didn't want anyone else. I never had. I never "pulled the trigger" on my opportunities since opening up, and it finally made sense why. After the run, I went to see my parents, with whom I had been estranged from for over 8 months. Sharing my experience with them, and my "best friend" aunt, they helped me realize that I really loved S - in a monogamous way. They encouraged me to tell her how I felt, that night.
I skyped with S that night. I apologized for pushing us to open up, when back then she seemed perfectly content with an exclusive relationship. She acknowledged this, but protested it was her choice too. I told her how I felt - that I loved her, that I wanted her and only her, you get the idea. She told me that she knew I wasn't polyamorous when she met me, that it was my previous relationships (and trust issues) that had clouded my beliefs. She couldn't tell me then, because I had to figure it out for myself. We agreed to meet the next morning at a diner that was convenience for us both.
Sunday, March 15
We met at the diner. We both wanted to work it out. We spent some time just cuddling in the back of my car, talking about us. She was going to end with it T, because it "hadn't ever felt right". She was picking him up from the airport that morning, if you remember. She said she wasn't poly, she couldn't have sex with more than one person at a time, and she re-iterated her attraction to him came from feelings of longing for our non-distance relationship we once had.
When she got back to school, we skyped again. She said she didn't know if her and I were okay. She took one look at T and said she couldn't do it. She didn't know what she wanted, and said she felt like she was "settling" for me. She started having this feeling after a fight we had on new years eve, a night we had planned to spend together but had to cancel (I was sick, and she was stuck at home from the weather). I realized that this conversation would likely end with us breaking up, so I told her I was gathering her things and driving to see her to finish the conversation. She would gather my things as well.
I arrived and we went up to her room. While I was on my way, she had already ended things with T. I gave her the necklace back that I had just gotten fixed from her last visit, it was the first gift I had ever given her that broke a couple months ago. She had all of my things piled up except for the bracelet. This bracelet was the only piece of jewelry I wore when I met her. It commemorated a friend of mine that attempted suicide, and was my symbolic reminder of why I stayed sober. The day she and I had sex for the first time, when we first started dating, I put it on her wrist, and told her that I was trusting her with my heart. She has never taken it off aside for practical reasons for our entire relationship. While we were lying in bed together, I (out of nowhere) took the bracelet off her wrist and said "let's face reality. If this isn't going to work, you can't wear this anymore".
Immediately, S began sobbing uncontrollably. I held her. I had never seen her cry like this. After a minute, I couldn't take it anymore, and put the bracelet back on her wrist. "Please don't ever take it off again", she said. She kissed me deeply, and we had very intense and emotional sex. Afterward, she said "I can't do it. We have to make this work. I want to make it work." We agreed to take it one day at a time, and try to get couples counseling. S told me she has little faith in the college counseling center, and couldn't see how one or two sessions would really help. I said that it's at least worth one session, and that it couldn't hurt - to which she agreed. Ending things without real closure wouldn't solve anything, at least for me. She said that she knew once she graduated and moved back home, she would get very lonely and most likely want me back. I said I don't think I would be able to take her back then, because I would still feel like she was "settling" for me. We talked about attachment, enmeshment, where our lives were going, all kinds of things. We both have strong doubts about where our relationship was headed, and if it was right for either of us, but agreed that our year together in person was the happiest either of us had been in a romantic relationship.
We had a quick skype before bed, just to say goodnight. I offered the idea of us trying to have a quick "good night" skype before bed every night if possible. She said that sounds like it would be worth a try.
Monday, March 16
Things seemed okay this morning. At about 3pm, while I was at work, my counselor called me and said he could get me in early this Thursday, the 19th. I told S this, invited her to come with me, and she liked the idea, and Wednesday night / Thursday morning is the only time during the week her and I have a good opportunity to see each other. I'm still seeing my counselor next Friday regardless.
I think regardless of how this turns out, professional counseling is not going to hurt. With the logistics of LDRs though, actually seeing a regular counselor together is going to be near if not impossible. Does anyone have suggestions for how to do this?
What I do know is that if her and I break up, I want it to be for reasons that will cause us both the least pain and agony in the long run. I have this belief that if a one person in a relationship wants it to end, that desire to end it will grow and become firm. When they do set out to say "I want out of this relationship", their mind is made up, and no amount of bargaining or talking about it will change the outcome. That's been true for every romantic relationship I have had. This time with S was the first time that we both set out to end it, but neither could pull the trigger. Perhaps it's enmeshment, an unhealthy relationship - but I think a professional, neutral third party could help us ask the right questions to see if her and I are really meant to make this work or just holding on to something that never will.
