BookwormGirl
New member
tl;dr After a rough year and starting off on a bad foot, how do I go forward as the arm of a Vee - continue to try to build a relationship with meta, or just focus on my relationship with hinge?
I have been in a relationship with Bowler for just over a year. We are very much in love. He is my only relationship at this time - I work long hours and have primary custody of two teen boys. After six months of dating I relocated an hour away, so we are now in an awkward place between local and long distance (90 minute drive home to home, I work near my home, he works in the middle). I am happy with the frequency of our time together (one date a week, one or two more a month if possible). We talk about our future and that we want more, some day. This is my first polyamorous relationship.
Bowler has been married to Blondie for 21 years, they were high school sweethearts. They started swinging a few years ago and it was rough going at times. She fell in love with the husband of a couple they were dating and Bowler handled it very, very badly. Six months after that Veto he meets me - admittedly unicorn hunting, although I didn't even know what a unicorn was at the time. He was honest about his marriage from day one, and I met Blondie within the first two weeks. Bowler and I fell hard and fast, and in my naivety about poly/swinging, I fell into a pattern of doing whatever I could to please Blondie so she would accept me in his life (and, at the time, in their bed). I didn't know at the time, but they had "rules" about not falling in love again - only swinging, just sex, no feelings. "Protect your heart". He blew through that boundary with me.
It has been a rough year. She has tried to veto a few times, and he has refused. She has dated a few men along the way, but never for long, and really only as a swinger. When she's got her own NRE things are smoother, but there is constant tension. We started off from a giant place of miscommunication and broken boundaries and we've been struggling to come back from that for a year now. We have had sporadic three-ways, when things were good - but I came to the conclusion that I couldn't handle the ups and downs of a FWB relationship with her while dealing with how significantly she struggles with and resents his relationship with me. We have tried socializing together as a Vee, everything from karaoke with friends, to a baseball game, to a movie night at their house, and it always ends with someone's feelings being hurt.
She tells me constantly that she is extremely threatened by me. We have tried to be friends (even socializing occasionally without Bowler). It's awkward. When she is in a bad place in her head, her texts to me can be incredibly hurtful. I initiated a break up with Bowler about 6 months into our relationship when I realized how much pain our relationship was causing Blondie- but we talked it through and he asked me to trust him to be a good hinge and to take care of his wife, that it is not my responsibility. I still struggle with this, especially when she calls me sobbing or texts me that she feels disposable, replaceable, and has been depressed for a year. They have three children, a 20+ year relationship, she sleeps next to him every night, has every holiday... I can not wrap my head around how I am a threat. She is in such a place of privilege, and I am trying, trying, trying to show her that and be the best metamour I can be. Her negativity toward me is putting a huge strain on their marriage, which breaks my heart.
I've learned a lot in the last year, but I still have so much to learn. I have read that a Vee can survive without a relationship, or even communication, between the two arms. I need some help understanding how that would work. If I need something from her, how do I ask for that, without it becoming triangulation? (For example, she has some unclear rules about what he and I can do and where we can go. She doesn't want us to "replicate" anything they have done that is important to her, OR do anything new they haven't done... leaving us in a state of constant questioning about where we can go and what we can do. I dealt with it for the first year, but I'm now at the point where it feels unreasonable). I feel like the only defense I have against their immense couple privilege is an open line of communication with Blondie. But any time I mention how their privilege affects me she gets furious.
It has been a rollercoaster of a year. I want to solve the problems, I want to improve the communication, and I absolutely do not want to break up a 20+ year marriage. I want us all to be happy.
I look forward to any insight you can give me. I have been reading and reading and reading, learning and learning and learning.
Thank you,
BookwormGirl
Girlfriend to Bowler (1 year)
Metamour to Blondie, Bowler's Wife
I have been in a relationship with Bowler for just over a year. We are very much in love. He is my only relationship at this time - I work long hours and have primary custody of two teen boys. After six months of dating I relocated an hour away, so we are now in an awkward place between local and long distance (90 minute drive home to home, I work near my home, he works in the middle). I am happy with the frequency of our time together (one date a week, one or two more a month if possible). We talk about our future and that we want more, some day. This is my first polyamorous relationship.
Bowler has been married to Blondie for 21 years, they were high school sweethearts. They started swinging a few years ago and it was rough going at times. She fell in love with the husband of a couple they were dating and Bowler handled it very, very badly. Six months after that Veto he meets me - admittedly unicorn hunting, although I didn't even know what a unicorn was at the time. He was honest about his marriage from day one, and I met Blondie within the first two weeks. Bowler and I fell hard and fast, and in my naivety about poly/swinging, I fell into a pattern of doing whatever I could to please Blondie so she would accept me in his life (and, at the time, in their bed). I didn't know at the time, but they had "rules" about not falling in love again - only swinging, just sex, no feelings. "Protect your heart". He blew through that boundary with me.
It has been a rough year. She has tried to veto a few times, and he has refused. She has dated a few men along the way, but never for long, and really only as a swinger. When she's got her own NRE things are smoother, but there is constant tension. We started off from a giant place of miscommunication and broken boundaries and we've been struggling to come back from that for a year now. We have had sporadic three-ways, when things were good - but I came to the conclusion that I couldn't handle the ups and downs of a FWB relationship with her while dealing with how significantly she struggles with and resents his relationship with me. We have tried socializing together as a Vee, everything from karaoke with friends, to a baseball game, to a movie night at their house, and it always ends with someone's feelings being hurt.
She tells me constantly that she is extremely threatened by me. We have tried to be friends (even socializing occasionally without Bowler). It's awkward. When she is in a bad place in her head, her texts to me can be incredibly hurtful. I initiated a break up with Bowler about 6 months into our relationship when I realized how much pain our relationship was causing Blondie- but we talked it through and he asked me to trust him to be a good hinge and to take care of his wife, that it is not my responsibility. I still struggle with this, especially when she calls me sobbing or texts me that she feels disposable, replaceable, and has been depressed for a year. They have three children, a 20+ year relationship, she sleeps next to him every night, has every holiday... I can not wrap my head around how I am a threat. She is in such a place of privilege, and I am trying, trying, trying to show her that and be the best metamour I can be. Her negativity toward me is putting a huge strain on their marriage, which breaks my heart.
I've learned a lot in the last year, but I still have so much to learn. I have read that a Vee can survive without a relationship, or even communication, between the two arms. I need some help understanding how that would work. If I need something from her, how do I ask for that, without it becoming triangulation? (For example, she has some unclear rules about what he and I can do and where we can go. She doesn't want us to "replicate" anything they have done that is important to her, OR do anything new they haven't done... leaving us in a state of constant questioning about where we can go and what we can do. I dealt with it for the first year, but I'm now at the point where it feels unreasonable). I feel like the only defense I have against their immense couple privilege is an open line of communication with Blondie. But any time I mention how their privilege affects me she gets furious.
It has been a rollercoaster of a year. I want to solve the problems, I want to improve the communication, and I absolutely do not want to break up a 20+ year marriage. I want us all to be happy.
I look forward to any insight you can give me. I have been reading and reading and reading, learning and learning and learning.
Thank you,
BookwormGirl
Girlfriend to Bowler (1 year)
Metamour to Blondie, Bowler's Wife