Our New Adventure

M

Mcal8671

New member
My wife recently announced to me that she is poly. I will admit that my initial set of emotions was very confusing. From what I have read,those initial emotions were pretty typical.

She has found a man online and they have developed a relationship. She has expressed the desire for an IRL relationship as well. Her online relationship has brought her happiness and endless questions as she explores.

We have been married in a mono relationship for 10 years. She has told me that this has always been part of her. I am happy for her and I am trying to be supportive.

I am not sure if I am poly myself. Honestly, I have never put any thought into it. My boundaries have always been set by the relationship that I was in rather than any self exploration. So off I go on an adventure and I am very glad to be on it with my wife.

I am currently feeling my way into this. I have not done much beyond thought at this point. I have put up a personal, but admittedly half heartedly. It has been so long since I actually pursued a relationship I don't really know where to start.

I was hoping to find some advice on how to move forward. Any advice on my situation is more than welcome. I would love to find some guidance on how to proceed in a newly poly relationship that was mono for a long period of time. How does someone know if they are capable of being poly? What sort of speed bumps should I expect and of course any advice on how to meet people would be great. Just having someone to talk to who was objective would be a huge win for me.

Thanks for listening!
 
Hi and welcome!

It's refreshing to read that you are ready and willing to support your wife in this adventure - perfect word for it. However, I would say that just because she feels a desire to have multiple relationships does not mean you must do the same.

You have embraced a rather big change in the dynamic of your marriage, and you will be affected by her having another partner. It will bring up all kinds of feelings and issues you hadn't expected. Why throw another wrench in the works by trying to date others as well? It is not a race or a competition; don't do it just because your wife is - it wouldn't be a very nice thing to do to the women you might go out with. Think about it - what woman in her right mind would want to be with a man who is only half-heartedly attempting to start a relationship with her only to keep up with his wife? Yes, there are plenty of poly and poly-minded women out there, but we want to be wanted for who we are, by someone who is excited and enthusiastic about the idea of being with us, and who really wants to invest in a relationship. So, if you're not feeling all of those things, don't put yourself out there to date... yet.

Go slowly. Take things one step at a time. See where your comfort levels are around your wife having a lover, and ask yourself questions about what you want in your relationships and life. Read up on poly as much as you can. And then give yourself a break now and then not to think about it.
 
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Hi Mcal,

Welcome to the forum. :)

I agree with everything nycindie has said, really! You don't have to explore poly yourself yet if you aren't ready or sure of why you are doing it. There is something to be said for waiting.

On the other hand, you primarily seem interested in discovering whether or not you are actually poly, so I'll try to address that.

I would love to find some guidance on how to proceed in a newly poly relationship that was mono for a long period of time.
Click to expand...
I think the best advice I could give here is to expect miscommunication, discomfort, frustration and a host of things you may be hoping to avoid! If these things don't happen, that's great, but I always think that it's good practice to accept that change can create temporary discord. I wish I'd had someone around telling me that in the beginning, personally.

Other than this, my best general advise is to go slowly with everything. Talk about everything with your wife, and she with you. Communicate with one another. Try not to attempt to control one another. These are always good places to start.

How does someone know if they are capable of being poly?
Click to expand...
I've been poly for 4+ years and have also explored non-monogamy in the past, yet I still ask this very same question. Ultimately, if you ever find yourself in love with two or more people at once, you are - by definition - polyamorous at that point.

In the meantime, perhaps exploration is the only way to find out. Though, as nycindie pointed out, it's good to remember to be ethical when exploring this: be clear with the people that you get involved with that you're new to poly and don't know yet if it's for you.

Not everyone who lives a polyamorous lifestyle actually feels that they are 100% wired for poly. For instance, in my case, I could see myself doing mono or poly depending on the circumstances. I've been in love with two people at once, and it's wonderful when it happens, but I could easily be happy with the love of just one person and not heavily crave the freedom of poly. What I do appreciate about poly is how it challenges me. You will find where you fit with poly over time.

What sort of speed bumps should I expect
Click to expand...
I think, for me at least, the number one thing to remember is that things don't always work out the way we envision them to. You may decide that you definitely want to start dating but have a hard time finding dates. You might be able to find tons of dates but not feel a connection with anyone. You may find yourself very interested in others and then panic about how to deal with it! There are so many possibilities. Just take it one step at a time and trust that things will happen as and when they are meant to happen.

and of course any advice on how to meet people would be great.
Click to expand...
In terms of meeting poly people, OKCupid is my go-to. It is extremely poly friendly and, depending on your area, you are likely to find more poly people here than other dating sites. If you are kinky, Fetlife is another option - though it's not meant to be a dating site, per se (more like a kinky Facebook). Some cities offer poly meetups and discussion groups - that might be worth checking out. Oh, and Tinder seems pretty poly friendly, as far as I can tell. Just be sure to state that you're poly and married on these profiles :)

Depending on how 'out' you and your wife are, meeting people the traditional way is also always an option. I'm completely out, so if I meet someone in person that I'm attracted to and have a fair amount of contact with, I'll tell them I'm poly upfront and gauge their level of interest.

I hope this helps!
 
Poly/Mono is an active group on Yahoo and full of thoughtful participants. I echo the advice above that polyamory isn't something a couple needs to do at the same time or even at all. It's an individual choice. I encourage you not to jump into dating if your heart's not quite in it yet and instead focus on this overall change in your marriage. There's a lot of support and trailblazing by many people who've been in your shoes.

"Welcome to PolyMono, a list for monogamous people in a committed relationship with someone who is polyamorous - i.e., who either has or would like to have other lovers....."
 
thank you!

sparklepop said:
Hi Mcal,

Welcome to the forum. :)

I agree with everything nycindie has said, really! You don't have to explore poly yourself yet if you aren't ready or sure of why you are doing it. There is something to be said for waiting.

On the other hand, you primarily seem interested in discovering whether or not you are actually poly, so I'll try to address that.


I think the best advice I could give here is to expect miscommunication, discomfort, frustration and a host of things you may be hoping to avoid! If these things don't happen, that's great, but I always think that it's good practice to accept that change can create temporary discord. I wish I'd had someone around telling me that in the beginning, personally.

Other than this, my best general advise is to go slowly with everything. Talk about everything with your wife, and she with you. Communicate with one another. Try not to attempt to control one another. These are always good places to start.


I've been poly for 4+ years and have also explored non-monogamy in the past, yet I still ask this very same question. Ultimately, if you ever find yourself in love with two or more people at once, you are - by definition - polyamorous at that point.

In the meantime, perhaps exploration is the only way to find out. Though, as nycindie pointed out, it's good to remember to be ethical when exploring this: be clear with the people that you get involved with that you're new to poly and don't know yet if it's for you.

Not everyone who lives a polyamorous lifestyle actually feels that they are 100% wired for poly. For instance, in my case, I could see myself doing mono or poly depending on the circumstances. I've been in love with two people at once, and it's wonderful when it happens, but I could easily be happy with the love of just one person and not heavily crave the freedom of poly. What I do appreciate about poly is how it challenges me. You will find where you fit with poly over time.


I think, for me at least, the number one thing to remember is that things don't always work out the way we envision them to. You may decide that you definitely want to start dating but have a hard time finding dates. You might be able to find tons of dates but not feel a connection with anyone. You may find yourself very interested in others and then panic about how to deal with it! There are so many possibilities. Just take it one step at a time and trust that things will happen as and when they are meant to happen.


In terms of meeting poly people, OKCupid is my go-to. It is extremely poly friendly and, depending on your area, you are likely to find more poly people here than other dating sites. If you are kinky, Fetlife is another option - though it's not meant to be a dating site, per se (more like a kinky Facebook). Some cities offer poly meetups and discussion groups - that might be worth checking out. Oh, and Tinder seems pretty poly friendly, as far as I can tell. Just be sure to state that you're poly and married on these profiles :)

Depending on how 'out' you and your wife are, meeting people the traditional way is also always an option. I'm completely out, so if I meet someone in person that I'm attracted to and have a fair amount of contact with, I'll tell them I'm poly upfront and gauge their level of interest.

I hope this helps!
Click to expand...

Very helpful and thank you.

Could you tell me what you mean by the freedom of poly? I think it may help me understand a little better how poly relationships work in practice.
 
You should have been doing all this research and asking questions before you agreed you wanted to try this or were you coerced or talked into it.
It does not sound like you have done any real reading or investigsting before encouraging your wife to take the plunge.
Whether you decide to be mono or poly is not as important right now as understanding whether or not this is something you really want to do or if it is something your wife decided she needed to do
 
unclear

Im sorry... I think I was unclear.

I have not been coerced into doing anything. I have researched quite a bit. What I should have asked is, what does that mean for you? I have read and read but real world testimonials are much more valuable than what ends up in articles

I have carefully thought this out and discussed it at length with my wife. I am committed to supporting her. What it means for me is a matter of personal exploration and soul searching (part of the reason I'm here lol)

Thanks again and sorry for the confusion.
 
Ignore the haters

Don't worry, Mcal8671, it didn't sound as if you had been coerced to me.

Some members will see discussions through the lens of their own negative experiences, and some seem to have quite a bit of resentment toward poly women (or any women) who know their own minds and take charge of their own sexuality. Just remember this is the internet and some responses will not really makes sense in relation to what you've shared, or might not jive with your experience. Take what you find useful and leave the rest.

You're doing fine!
 
And there are some member here who think hey have all the answers and immediately try to attack and intimidate anyone who does not agree with them.

Just in case you bother getting off your horse ny cindie the man just explained it would have been easy to not understand he was not coerced . But to you it does not matter . Every time you respond on anything you know it all

And how the fuck do you NYCindie know anything about my experience with polyamory that gives you a right to tell anyone that my comment comes from a bad experience . You don't know crap about me but you have decided that because I do not think it is helpful to totally glorify polyamory to anyone asking questions that my comments should be ignored.
Anyone legitimately concerned about OP could realistically take from his post that he might not have thought things through which OP clarified in his second post.
I suggest you get off your throne and give others the respect you think you deserve . And I'll say it again. You don't know shit about my experience with polyamory so you have no right to refer to my lost as someone who has had a bad experience
 
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Freedom of poly - my 2 cents

Hi Mcal

I know you asked someone else for their clarification, and I hope they will provide it too, but it resonated with me so I thought I'd share my 2 cents.

The freedom I find in poly is of being true to myself about my connections with others. I don't have to suppress any feelings for another just because I'm in a loving relationship with my husband. I'm free to love anyone without censure from myself or my husband because hubby and I both know that it doesn't mean I love him any less. If I want to express that love with sex, there is the freedom to do that too. And if he found someone he connected with, I'd welcome him to have that freedom of love and lust too. It's a freedom of security. I'm not afraid to losing him to another, and he's never said he's afraid of that either. If we ever do part ways as husband and wife, it won't be because either of us has fallen in love with another and it's become an either/or situation. That's my freedom of poly. Being able to openly love many people without fear or censure.

As an aside, I don't 'date' as such, mostly because I've never actually enjoyed the process of dating. I've never found connection through dating. Usually a connection will blindside me at 4 o'clock on a rainy Tuesday while I'm in the middle of something else, often work. This isn't a recommendation to start eyeing up your work colleagues haha, some jobs just lend themselves better to that. Just know you don't have to date if it's not your preferred way of meeting people.

all the very best
Evie
 
sexyserb said:
Just in case you bother getting off your horse ny cindie the man just explained it would have been easy to not understand he was not coerced . But to you it does not matter . Every time you respond on anything you know it all

And how the fuck do you NYCindie know anything about my experience with polyamory that gives you a right to tell anyone that my comment comes from a bad experience .
Click to expand...
I was not referring specifically to you or your post. I was talking generally about the kinds of replies one can get on an internet forum. No, I don't know anything about you and my post had nothing to do with you, so I don't know why you're being so defensive, unless something I said struck a nerve. We're all just anonymous strangers here! Why care what I or anyone else thinks of your posts! That's why I always say people should take away what makes sense to them and discard the rest.

And I said it didn't sound to me like he had been coerced. To me, to me.
 
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Mcal8671 said:
My wife recently announced to me that she is poly. I will admit that my initial set of emotions was very confusing. From what I have read,those initial emotions were pretty typical.

She has found a man online and they have developed a relationship. She has expressed the desire for an IRL relationship as well. Her online relationship has brought her happiness and endless questions as she explores.

We have been married in a mono relationship for 10 years. She has told me that this has always been part of her. I am happy for her and I am trying to be supportive.

I am not sure if I am poly myself. Honestly, I have never put any thought into it. My boundaries have always been set by the relationship that I was in rather than any self exploration. So off I go on an adventure and I am very glad to be on it with my wife.

I am currently feeling my way into this. I have not done much beyond thought at this point. I have put up a personal, but admittedly half heartedly. It has been so long since I actually pursued a relationship I don't really know where to start.

I was hoping to find some advice on how to move forward. Any advice on my situation is more than welcome. I would love to find some guidance on how to proceed in a newly poly relationship that was mono for a long period of time. How does someone know if they are capable of being poly? What sort of speed bumps should I expect and of course any advice on how to meet people would be great. Just having someone to talk to who was objective would be a huge win for me.

Thanks for listening!
Click to expand...

Hey MCal,

I'm in a very similar situation to yours - my wife just had her first overnight visit with her boyfriend a few days ago and things seem stronger and better than ever between us.

I've wondered the same thing as you - do I need to get another partner? Do I even want to? How would I do it?

I've talked it about it with my wife too because obviously it would effect her too.

Basically, I think that the best thing for my wife and I is to just give it some time, wait and see where the dust settles. Especially since I don't have a relationship "ready to go" like my partner did and I also don't have a strong desire to do that yet.

We live about an hour from the nearest capital city so I would probably start by visiting the local poly meetups if I was going to go down that path, rather than a personal ad but that's just my preference and personal situation.

I'm looking forward to hearing about how you go with your new adventure.
 
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SecondChancellor said:
Hey MCal,

I'm in a very similar situation to yours - my wife just had her first overnight visit with her boyfriend a few days ago and things seem stronger and better than ever between us.

I've wondered the same thing as you - do I need to get another partner? Do I even want to? How would I do it?

I've talked it about it with my wife too because obviously it would effect her too.

Basically, I think that the best thing for my wife and I is to just give it some time, wait and see where the dust settles. Especially since I don't have a relationship "ready to go" like my partner did and I also don't have a strong desire to do that yet.

We live about an hour from the nearest capital city so I would probably start by visiting the local poly meetups if I was going to go down that path, rather than a personal ad but that's just my preference and personal situation.

I'm looking forward to hearing about how you go with your new adventure.
Click to expand...

I'm glad things seems to be going well for you. Just a couple of curiosities. How was her first night for you? Why do you mean by stronger and better than ever?
 
Mcal8671 said:
I'm glad things seems to be going well for you. Just a couple of curiosities. How was her first night for you? Why do you mean by stronger and better than ever?
Click to expand...

It was a roller coaster of emotions. I had some things to distract me, mostly kids to get feed and in bed and also I missed out on sleep the night before so I was really tired. That made it easier. I still woke up like 5 times during the night though.

After we caught up the next day, my wife said that she appreciated me much more. That she had vastly underestimated the intimacy that we had developed over 10 years of marriage and that allowing her to do this was one of the most attractive things I could do.

She's actually going away for visit #2 tonight. I'm feeling better about it. I'll see how it goes.
 
Hi Mcal8671,

Re (from OP):
"It has been so long since I actually pursued a relationship I don't really know where to start."
Click to expand...

OKCupid can be a good place to start, though you have to be patient.

Re:
"How does someone know if they are capable of being poly?"
Click to expand...

Hmmm, that's an interesting question. I suppose you just have to ask yourself, "Am I capable of being poly?" and see how you answer.

As for general advice, there are two books/websites I would recommend:

I hope that helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thanks for that article, SecondChancellor - one of the most articulate and accurate I've come across. I actually appreciate the comments which provide a lively debate that I'd call balanced and certainly full of thought. Reading the whole page was time well spent, so thank you again.
 
FallenAngelina said:
Thanks for that article, SecondChancellor - one of the most articulate and accurate I've come across. I actually appreciate the comments which provide a lively debate that I'd call balanced and certainly full of thought. Reading the whole page was time well spent, so thank you again.
Click to expand...

No problem - it also resonated with me. I should go back and read it again when I start freaking out to remind myself to take a step back
 
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