I'm one of the males in an MFM V. My wife of fifteen years is the F. She's had a relationship with her other guy for several years now. We all get along well. Things were going smoothly and troublefree until a precarious situation presented itself about eight months ago, which we are still dealing with.
A little bit of background. Her other guy is also married to a poly woman. She doesn't come around much and has very little to do with us beyond situations in which we are a convenience to her. She does not have sex with her husband but only with her others. At one time she was planning to divorce him and run away with one of her other guys, but did not, I think because she found it difficult to find employment (he's pretty much the sole income earner in her life, minus her occasional and sporadic part-time gigs. Her other guys are either unemployed or underemployed generally). They have a child together. He brings their child over most of the time when he comes here, freeing her up to go places, meet new people, have fun, etc, while we help him watch their child. My wife and I seem to keep her situation stable and open-ended so she can do as she fancies, while minimizing or deflecting his discontent in his situation with her. My perception is she sees us mainly as a convenience to her - that we are here to take up the slack as far as her husband's needs which she is not interested in fulfilling. It doesn't thrill me, and seems kind of selfish, but I could live with all of that so long as my wife's other guy seemed content to endure it.
Then many months ago his wife contracted HSV2 from one of her partners. Once we found out, my wife and I immediately got tested and thankfully we were clear of any STDs. Even though he and his wife "don't have sex", there is no way to guarantee it hasn't happened or won't happen in the future, or that he won't contract it somewhere down the line from his wife or her partners. We explained to him that he needs to get tested, and that sexual contact between him and my wife will be nil or extremely limited (ie hand jobs) until then, and that once he got tested we could figure out how to proceed. Thing is, he hasn't gotten tested and acts like it isn't a big deal, thus he and my wife haven't had sexual contact. Having become familiar with his personality, I know that he's the type that pretends problems don't exist and expects them to just go away, and everyone will just forget about this. Because of his lack of testing, he and my wife have not had sex since that time. Obviously my wife and I have no influence or say in his wife's actions or lifestyle, and we don't seem to be considered a factor to her in that regard, at all.
But that's not all. His wife, who is very social and prone to attract drama, seems to tell lots of people she knows about her problem, including people who are part of large poly groups. I can understand someone needing to confide in another about their problems, and doing so with a very trusted friend, but she seems to tell lots of people. I'm not sure if she just wants attention or what. The information spreads through the rumor mill , and people assume that my wife and I also have HSV2 since we seem to be down the line from her, when we don't. I'm not currently in a relationship with anyone other than my wife. It's difficult enough for me to find a decent secondary partner without all of this. If I did find someone, I'm presented with the quandary of explaining that his wife has HSV2 even though we don't. Even if I didn't explain it, they'd inevitably hear it 'through the grapevine', and I would look like a deceptive asshole.
All of this makes me want to go back to living as monogamous. It makes my wife and I feel taken advantage of and subsequently shit upon, and I imagine how it must make her other guy feel.
I'm interested in hearing some perspectives on the matter.
A little bit of background. Her other guy is also married to a poly woman. She doesn't come around much and has very little to do with us beyond situations in which we are a convenience to her. She does not have sex with her husband but only with her others. At one time she was planning to divorce him and run away with one of her other guys, but did not, I think because she found it difficult to find employment (he's pretty much the sole income earner in her life, minus her occasional and sporadic part-time gigs. Her other guys are either unemployed or underemployed generally). They have a child together. He brings their child over most of the time when he comes here, freeing her up to go places, meet new people, have fun, etc, while we help him watch their child. My wife and I seem to keep her situation stable and open-ended so she can do as she fancies, while minimizing or deflecting his discontent in his situation with her. My perception is she sees us mainly as a convenience to her - that we are here to take up the slack as far as her husband's needs which she is not interested in fulfilling. It doesn't thrill me, and seems kind of selfish, but I could live with all of that so long as my wife's other guy seemed content to endure it.
Then many months ago his wife contracted HSV2 from one of her partners. Once we found out, my wife and I immediately got tested and thankfully we were clear of any STDs. Even though he and his wife "don't have sex", there is no way to guarantee it hasn't happened or won't happen in the future, or that he won't contract it somewhere down the line from his wife or her partners. We explained to him that he needs to get tested, and that sexual contact between him and my wife will be nil or extremely limited (ie hand jobs) until then, and that once he got tested we could figure out how to proceed. Thing is, he hasn't gotten tested and acts like it isn't a big deal, thus he and my wife haven't had sexual contact. Having become familiar with his personality, I know that he's the type that pretends problems don't exist and expects them to just go away, and everyone will just forget about this. Because of his lack of testing, he and my wife have not had sex since that time. Obviously my wife and I have no influence or say in his wife's actions or lifestyle, and we don't seem to be considered a factor to her in that regard, at all.
But that's not all. His wife, who is very social and prone to attract drama, seems to tell lots of people she knows about her problem, including people who are part of large poly groups. I can understand someone needing to confide in another about their problems, and doing so with a very trusted friend, but she seems to tell lots of people. I'm not sure if she just wants attention or what. The information spreads through the rumor mill , and people assume that my wife and I also have HSV2 since we seem to be down the line from her, when we don't. I'm not currently in a relationship with anyone other than my wife. It's difficult enough for me to find a decent secondary partner without all of this. If I did find someone, I'm presented with the quandary of explaining that his wife has HSV2 even though we don't. Even if I didn't explain it, they'd inevitably hear it 'through the grapevine', and I would look like a deceptive asshole.
All of this makes me want to go back to living as monogamous. It makes my wife and I feel taken advantage of and subsequently shit upon, and I imagine how it must make her other guy feel.
I'm interested in hearing some perspectives on the matter.
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I've been doing that since high school. 
