Out of my depth: update

I'm sorry this is happening this way. I could be wrong, but here are my impressions.

She’s now said that she would be interested in experimenting with others without me present, but also that she isn’t willing to share me or have me as part of any sort of thrupple.
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Those are random announcements, to me. They are not requests. You don't have to do anything about them. You also do NOT have to agree to any of them.

I'll be honest. Throughout your thread, you seem to get cranked up over whatever she saying... and then she says something else a bit later. I think you need to save your energy and not take everything so to heart.

I guess she must be struggling with this a lot, but the constant pulling back and reframing what she means is exhausting. It also stops me thinking about what I want for myself.
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Not to be mean, but is that her goal? She wants to exhaust you by badgering and bullying you, so you just "give in" to whatever next idea she proposes? Even if she isn't badgering or bullying you, this DOES exhaust you. You could stop trying to "follow" her line of thinking. It's basically
"up and downy." I don't know if she's undiagnosed with something or other. I'm no doctor.

But the experience of it is all "up and downy" for you. So... check out a little bit. Don't help her with her stuff. Don't help her regulate. Don't help her figure herself out. Take a time out. Invest your time and energy into figuring out what YOU want for yourself. It could be you are tired of this. Maybe you have outgrown this relationship.

Ultimately whatever twirly-whirlies she does, I think it boils down to:
  • If this is open marriage, then it's open on both sides.
    • She dates her people when she wants to. It's her choice to date or not.
    • You date your people when you want to. It's your choice to date or not.
  • Or... it's closed, monogamous marriage for all.
    • It's not going to be open marriage for just her on her side and you don't get the option at all.
  • Or... one or both of you decide to disband the marriage. It's run its course.
    • Then each of you moves on to do whatever you please in your next relationships.

Details of those options change, but those are the basic three ways this is going to land, that I can see.

I’m in shock and can’t believe my wife has said these things. I think it’s clear polyamory isn’t for us, but I suspect the level of desire she may have may mean we need to break up at some point.
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It is entirely possible that you will come to a place where you need to break up for your own long-term health. If YOU wanted healthy polyamory, you could be doing it with other people who aren't having "up and downy" mood swings about it. You don't have to do polyamory with her, if the relationship with her has become a drag, exhausts you, and just isn't getting any better.

I'm not being mean. I'm just saying... you have to think about your own long-term well-being.

Something my wife mentions a lot is that our emotional connection isn't strong. She's been saying it for years. I've worked out, upgraded my wardrobe. We go on dates. Hang out without the kids. I listen to her. I open up to her. Yet the emotional connection never increases.
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Emotional connection is not a one-way street. You can be doing all the things on your side, but if she's not doing the things on her side, it won't pan out. If she has conditions of some sort where she is unable to "feel things" on her side, you can be doing everything right, and she won't feel it. If her idea of "emotional connection" is you doing lots of emotional labor for her and her not doing any for you? She wants something where she gets most or all of the receiving? And you want something more equal? From her POV, it's not going to be as "strong" as she wants either, because she wants it all for her and little/none for you.

I suggest you take a time out to figure out what you want for yourself., and if needed, talk it out with an individual counselor to help you sort it out. This sounds hard. :(

In case you need help finding a counselor--

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory
www.polyfriendly.org

Mostly, it sounds like she wants/is willing to experiment with non-monogamy, but isn't clear on which kind, and doesn't actually have the skills, so isn't able to do polyamory and/or group sex in a healthy way.

She keeps dinging you, and you don't like it.

Growing pains are one thing, but you are not wild about this "rollercoaster" thing you are on. Going into things in a prepared way on both sides is one thing, but you doing your homework and her wanting to jump in blind is another.

Could any of that be true?

GG
 
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GalaGirl said:
I'm sorry this is happening this way. FWIW? I could be wrong, but here are my impressions....

Growing pains are one thing, but you are not wild about this "roller coaster" thing you are on. Going into things in a prepared way on both sides is one thing, but you doing your homework and her wanting to jump in blind is another.
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You’ve understood the situation. It’s exhausting. I’ll step back and try not to take it personally. I feel like each year her desires grow. There was a point I was willing to consider this - it took a lot of educating myself to feel ok about it, just to have the rug pulled out from under me.
 
GalaGirl said:
Wow. How many years of up and down exhaustion has it been?
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Maybe five years now, since she came out as bi. Looking back, there were odd things before then, though, maybe once a year, that made ZERO sense to me at the time. Looking back, it's the same pattern.
 
Wow. Five years is a lot. This isn't like 5 weeks or 5 months. This is definitely hard. :(

I suggest you do your soul searching and figure out how much more of this you are willing to do. Again, consider working with an individual counselor to help you sort it out, if you can avail yourself.

GG
 
GalaGirl said:
Wow. Five years is a lot. This isn't like 5 weeks or 5 months. This is definitely hard. :(

I suggest you do your soul searching and figure out how much more of this you are willing to do. Again, consider working with an individual counselor to help you sort it out, if you can avail yourself.
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I've told her I'm going to do that. The rollercoaster has been too much.
 
notsureatall said:
I've told her I'm going to do that. The rollercoaster has been too much.
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What is your wife like apart from all this? As a person overall, as a partner, mother, colleague, friend...would you say she is emotionally healthy, happy, successful at navigating work relationships and friendships? Are your kids happy and doing well and getting along fine with her?

Because honestly, what you describe sounds...troubling and strange. In your first post, your wife sounds unusually emotionally immature and unable to identify her own emotions or articulate what she wants. In this post, even more so, plus with a dose of her being cruel to you, not caring about your feelings, and seemingly deliberately trying to keep you off-balance and confused.

The fact that this has gone on for years, that you have done a lot of emotional work and reading and she has done zero...it's very strange and makes me wonder if something is at play here that could be explained by a mental health diagnosis for her, or even a personality disorder.

I agree with the advice that you should seek counseling on your own, since she won't go with you. I'd like a trained professional to give an opinion on your wife's emotional ups and downs. Especially where it seems she lacks both communication skills, and empathy for other people, including both you and the "best friend" whose own opinion/desire/agency does not seem to factor at all into your wife's fantasies.

Or, if your wife has no trouble with relationships in other aspects of her life, and this is a very weird aberration in her otherwise normally healthy behavior, then: consider it all just idle talk and fantasies. Just stuff going on in your wife's head and confusion over her own sexuality. Don't take anything she says too seriously. No need to act on anything. No need to involve other people (for dating/threesomes) in this weird fantasy drama.
 
MeeraReed said:
What is your wife like apart from all this? As a person overall, as a partner, mother, colleague, friend...would you say she is emotionally healthy, happy, successful at navigating work relationships and friendships? Are your kids happy and doing well and getting along fine with her?

Because honestly, what you describe sounds...troubling and strange. In your first post, your wife sounds unusually emotionally immature and unable to identify her own emotions or articulate what she wants. In this post, even more so, plus with a dose of her being cruel to you, not caring about your feelings, and seemingly deliberately trying to keep you off-balance and confused.

The fact that this has gone on for years, that you have done a lot of emotional work and reading and she has done zero...it's very strange and makes me wonder if something is at play here that could be explained by a mental health diagnosis for her, or even a personality disorder.

I agree with the advice that you should seek counseling on your own, since she won't go with you. I'd like a trained professional to give an opinion on your wife's emotional ups and downs. Especially where it seems she lacks both communication skills, and empathy for other people, including both you and the "best friend" whose own opinion/desire/agency does not seem to factor at all into your wife's fantasies.

Or, if your wife has no trouble with relationships in other aspects of her life, and this is a very weird aberration in her otherwise normally healthy behavior, then: consider it all just idle talk and fantasies. Just stuff going on in your wife's head and confusion over her own sexuality. Don't take anything she says too seriously. No need to act on anything. No need to involve other people (for dating/threesomes) in this weird fantasy drama.
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She’s great in all other aspects, which makes this all the harder to deal with. I’ve considered that’s she’s maybe a late-bloomer lesbian. Or that she’s actively having an affair. Basically any option at all.
 
notsureatall said:
You’ve understood the situation. It’s exhausting. I’ll step back and try not to take it personally. I feel like each year her desires grow. There was a point I was willing to consider this - it took a lot of educating myself to feel ok about it, just to have the rug pulled out from under me.
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How can you not take this personally? This is your life, your relationship/marriage, that has major consequences across the entire family.

Maybe you haven’t taken it personally enough. She doesn’t see or feel that there might be consequences. Say something or do something, and cross the line, and she quickly says it was a joke and jumps back across the line… "Just kidding."
 
notsureatall said:
Essentially, she's saying she's jealous of the thought of me being with a woman that she asked me to sleep with. This makes me think she's crafted an answer to soothe a very hurtful statement and it might contain no truth.
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Makes me think she had thought something was a great idea and later was surprised when her own feelings turned out to be different than she expected. Seems very human to me.
 
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