Out of the ashes

I got several job offers. Now I'm just torn on which one to choose and which course of action is best for my family. I still have a good 3 weeks before I need to make a decision - but I need to make one. It's nagging at me. Good thing is is that Bear can cover my son on his health insurance because...

We are married.

We had a small ceremony at the courthouse and spent the day with each other, holding each other.

:) Still surreal. Still hasn't really sunk in yet.

Bear finished his application to go back to school. I am so proud of him.

I will be finishing my college degree once we put away a good nest egg with my new job offer or if he gets a better paying job.

We organized all the finances and have a plan. No matter what our financial situation, we know what to do, and that is a great peace of mind.

Been losing weight. Fighting hard to reach 23lbs of weight loss.

Bear and I have a poly meet up on Sunday. First poly based meeting. REALLY looking forward to that. Went shopping for a sun dress, but couldn't find one suitable for me. Ugh. Guess it's my classy black dress for this meet up too lol.

Going to try to really ramp up my exercise. In order to drive truck, you got to meet DOT requirements. The less weight I'm carrying, the better. Plus I really need to watch my blood pressure. Perhaps they can check it out at work tonight.
 
((hug)).

Just slowly remind yourself that you are worthy and loving when working. And that its ok to be a working mother, to be powerful AND loving, and to strive for a future that is not poverty. That is not "Wanting it all" that is realistic. No one WANTS poverty...especially not for their kids.

I was lucky, I was able to be sustained while watching my kids, in order to be at home with them, BUT I was in poverty, and it was the choice I made, sometimes I regret, sometimes I don't. I do know this, your love of your son is apparent, and you'll do what's best for him. If you're at home you teach him to be at home too, if you're at work, you teach him work ethic.

If we aren't fucking up our kids a little bit we're doing it wrong anyway.
I don't know anyone who isn't a little pissed off at their parents at one point or another for whatever reason. But most grew out of it, and grew together later on.

You're taking the long view, and that's all that can be asked of you. And you're doing what's right for you and your child. Never doubt that.

Printed out this post and put it on my door. Thank you. So needed.
 
Congratulations PolySnow!!!!!!!!!

Im so happy for.you and bear and all the positive things in your life right now!
This is such good news xoxo. :)
 
The meet up was spectacular. Huge turn out (at least, in our eyes) and a very warm welcome. Met someone I just enjoyed talking too from the jump. His perseverance through his troubles inspired me to keep pushing hard and keep my current course. It was a 1.5 hour drive though and only 30 minutes of sleep in more than 14 hours. Yeah that was a rough one. At one point Bear had take over the drive because I was starting to drift.

Our schedules make it very difficult to get to multiple events (or hell, just a regular event now and then) with adequate sleep. We often get up at strange hours just to make sure week make events (Gotta love night shift...) so it's a challenge. But we are both determined not to isolate and enjoy the life together that was once denied.

We had our weekly meeting to discuss everything and lay cards on the table. Our financial goals are pretty much set and he has "taken over" the finances so to speak. I am aware of them and can access everything (I will NEVER fully trust someone to know and management the money, that's a personal thing for me because of an experience growing up), but he is the one that watches over it and updates it on a regular basis. I scan through when I need too, but I admit, it's a burden off my shoulder. The bills are paid on time and I can focus on just being a house slave and a mother while working full time. Yeah I think I can take all the help I can get.

I felt closer then ever to Bear after this particular meeting. We talked a lot about emotional things and also, what our poly life might look like. We started to talk about me having other partners in the future and I wanted to clarify his feelings and boundaries.

See I make connections very very easily. When I'm in a group of people, I'm usually the first to reach out and I always say "If it breathes, I'll probably try to socialize with it." Bear is a bit more introverted and it takes him time to warm up and open up. The result is, I make friends easily and I tend to love easily. I can see myself getting new partners easily enough or at least, deep connections, and I know due to our BDSM dynamic, Bear has a possessive streak in him when it comes to me.

I don't believe in practicing hierarchal polyamory. I've been a secondary. Or at least, treated like a second class citizen. I swear on my life that I will do my damnedest to NEVER to do that to another human being. Not consciously. So BEFORE I start to connect with the group and the more we get out, I want to be very clear with what Bear expects or things that might make him leery. I also wanted to let him know that when/if (more like when, I am biased, but Bear has a lot to offer) he connects, I probably will have moments of fear and insecurity. I reassured him I will NOT back track though and expect monogamy, and to be patient with me as we move forward.

The conversation didn't get very far. Mist woke up and we don't talk bout our life style front of her. Not in depth.

She is good to me, but definitely doesn't understand or embrace the dynamic Bear and I do, nor does she, in my opinion, understand Poly. If I were to guess, I think she thinks I'am in to poly because "I don't believe I will find the true right one, so I will take whatever I can get." type deal.

I'm eager to hear what he has to say once we get more alone time.

Sunny (my son) had to come home because my mother is struggling with my terminal father. It's a sad situation. We spent time at the pool and I plan on taking him to a very special place tomorrow. He's adjusting and growing well.

So another day...
 
Took more steps in making a job decision.

Talked to Bear about an insecurity. It was building up.

Really "grieving" the idea of changing careers.

So exhausted. Will post later.
 
I decided on a new job. Going to orientation this week. I've been scared. Things have become tumultuous family wise. My father is very ill. He is in the hospital. I do not think he's ever coming home.

Sunny seems to be acting out lately. No one is really sure why. My mother is handling things the best she can. I also found out one of my uncles is terminal. Staph infection. Its...tough to swallow.

I am sitting in the hospital now as I write this. Dad is sleeping. Its peaceful.

We talked. I finally talked to him about Bear. He was very warm and receptive. He knows about the age difference. I was surprised how well he took it.

Bear and I had a long talk yesterday. I have been having trouble with insecurity. I doubt a lot, but mainly because my confidence in myself is so damaged. I acknowledge my choices. How Bear and I's relationship began was not ideal and we are not proud of how things began. However both of us are now out of very emotionally abusive relationships and both are now free top explore the poly people that we are.

I won't get into detail about what we talked about, but I am proud to say that I was able to do it without getting overly emotional.

Bear was sweet, loving, and understanding. We talked frankly without skirting the difficult issues. I wanted some details about the past that I had been afraid to ask. I also realized I hadn't ever just flat out said exactly what I was afraid of. One of those things was making the same mistakes we made in our previous marriages. The other was my fears of financial struggles and living arrangements potentially harming our bond. I was very specific and detailed about what I was afraid of and admitted my deep fear of going through even harder trails due to circumstances.

Bear was taken back but looked me in the eyes and reassured me he knew what we must face together and was ready to do whatever it takes to work through whatever life threw at us.

After ward we cuddled.

I've never felt closer to him.

I will be going away for a few weeks on business. I'm still in my honey moon phase so being apart from Bear feels unbearable at the moment. I'm concerned about Sunny as well. But I remind myself I HAVE to provide for my family.

But god this is so hard...
 
I am away. Bear left 24 hours earlier.

I am in agony at the present moment because I feel so lonely. I have ALWAYS been in a position where I can get home or be close to those I love if I needed too. I can't right now. It's making me crazy. And yes, I am questioning whether or not I made the right decision and I wonder what the fuck am I doing putting so much on the line.

But then, just when I think I made a mistake, I remind myself that the way I was going wasn't going to ever work. A change HAD to come about and would be inevitable at some point. Still, dealing with it is not easy and the fact that I am by myself at the moment, processing all of this doesn't help at all.

The job is ok. So far it's better than I expected - and it looked bad at first. I passed my physical and turns out... I need glasses, but the company is going to pay for them. No strings attached. Well shit, I'll definitely take that. I will not look a gift horse in the mouth.

I have a guy talking to me. I am going to call him Data. He's very much into IT..

Data and I met at the poly meet up. We seem to click. He came right over to me and started talking. Bear seemed to really like him too.

We text all the time. I am casual. We talk about the BDSM front a lot. I get the impression that he is hurting a lot in this need. He is eager to explore his dominant side and I am an impact bottom. Naturally, we have much to discuss. He has a fascination with whips. I do too. I don't have the pain tolerance I'd like to take them on....yet. So again, much to discuss.

We also talk about personal things. I've been careful to leave out my drama. One of the ways I am moving on from my current situation is keeping what happened to myself. At least, not disclosing for the sake of disclosing or "talking it out." i tell what I need too and try not to expose what I am struggling with. That is between Bear and I and I am determined to keep it that way.

Still, we talk about what we both went through in our divorces. It's nice to talk to another divorcee who had my same fears and issues. It's calming. I don't have to explain anything and he seems to really understand what I am going through without too much elaboration. Thank god for small blessings.

He has multiple partners. He speaks well of them. I just like the casual conversations. He has reached out to Bear on Fet. I've told Bear I have been talking to him and am interested in eventually having dinner with him and possibly explore the idea of playing with him (like, as in, the interest, not actually setting up a a scene). It is very EASY to talk to him.

Of course, given my issues I don't trust my own judgement. I am very apprehensive of everyone and I told him we need to just talk and "let things flow". I will not be around a lot for face to face meetings. I am going to ask bear if he would be ok with me face to face skyping eventually. Even that is a wild card though, my internet streaming capabilities are questionable given the area and position I'll be in soon.

I keep telling myself what I am currently doing is a great opportunity to really get to know myself and let myself be independent. Disentangle if you will from my relationships. I am entirely too emotional dependent for my own good. I also NEED touch and connection. I actually really do want to step away from that. I want it to be a nice thing to have, but not necessarily a biting NEED. I can't stand my own dependency and insecurity some times. Reading other people's blogs and courage has been extremely helpful in this. I know my approach is extreme, but it was the only feasible one at the time. When opportunity knocks...

I went to the poly relationships forum and started reading the threads from the oldest (page 300) and have been slowly working my way back to the present. I also been reading as many blogs as I can. I love it. It gives me so much hope. There is SO many life styles out there. I am impressed and humbled by how people navigate through their troubles - and I also realize that many many people make mistakes.

Yes I bear the scarlet letter and yes, I know our relationship didn't start on ethical terms. I am not proud of that.

But I am accepting the situation and learning that what needed to happen, happened.

I also am learning it is OK to dream of bigger things. It is ok to hope for better things and strive for a stronger future.

--

I ended up watching Sister Wives. I LOVE their UTAH house. Even if I wasn't a poly person. I just love the idea of interconnected homes. I am a party person and a host. I would love to just have a home that is so accommodating. I would love it if my friends could live in a single (yet separate) unit and would be able to help each other in every day life like that. Call me an idealist, but I am such a big fan of pooling resources. Shit is just too expensive these days and given my highly social nature. The idea of my friends just being a few foot steps away...and me being able to live a communal like way. Yeah, I am all for it.

I am just ranting now.

Onward.
 
I'm a fan of the idea of pooling resources, too...and yet. I cannot shake the memory of what happened when I was a young adult. Granted, we had irresponsible young people combined with the very difficult personality of my ex husband in that house, but it did not go so well. We had the notion of sharing a house with several adults. It started with a single male friend, Old Wolf and I, and another couple. Then another single male friend moved in, and the other couple moved out. Then it all imploded as people lost jobs and flaked out on rent...my Mother wound up moving in eventually and that was a disaster.

Maybe it would be better now that I am more mature and choose my company more wisely. But I am wary of being able to really trust others enough to make such a communal arrangement work. When my former quad members tried to approach the idea of sharing a home, which at least Fire and Analyst were kind of interested in considering one day, I said the only way I could imagine wanting to do that, was if it were in a four-plex or subdivided house with multiple apartment units so that we could be close, yet still have our own space and clear cut financial obligations.
 
I'm a fan of the idea of pooling resources, too...and yet. I cannot shake the memory of what happened when I was a young adult. Granted, we had irresponsible young people combined with the very difficult personality of my ex husband in that house, but it did not go so well. We had the notion of sharing a house with several adults. It started with a single male friend, Old Wolf and I, and another couple. Then another single male friend moved in, and the other couple moved out. Then it all imploded as people lost jobs and flaked out on rent...my Mother wound up moving in eventually and that was a disaster.

Maybe it would be better now that I am more mature and choose my company more wisely. But I am wary of being able to really trust others enough to make such a communal arrangement work. When my former quad members tried to approach the idea of sharing a home, which at least Fire and Analyst were kind of interested in considering one day, I said the only way I could imagine wanting to do that, was if it were in a four-plex or subdivided house with multiple apartment units so that we could be close, yet still have our own space and clear cut financial obligations.

Well said.

Bear and I are trying to get ourselves in the position where we can afford a large place essentially on our own and be the landlords so if it does fizzle or something goes wrong, we won't be left in the cold. Not to mention it'd give more flexibility/renting options. Yes, we are shooting for the clouds, by hey you only live once right?

--

Home sickness had me by the balls yesterday. I was a ball of nerves. Not to mention, the hotel staff gave me so much grief over various things (hard to explain my current living situation right now) that I barely got 2 hours of sleep. Let me tell you,, training for a new job with 2 hours of sleep on the OPPOSITE schedule you are used too is no walk in the park and I was in a terrible mood most of the day.

I got brand new glasses yesterday. They feel great, although I only now am just starting to appreciate them now that the dilation drops have worn off.

Bear called after training and I was grateful to hear his voice. He told me he missed me, which just made me blossom. It is amazing just knowing you are wanted can ease a lot of anxiety and current frustrations.


My insecurities are still running wild. As they will for awhile until I adjust to my new life style. I got some BDSM assignments I need to do, so at least that bit of normalcy will help me cope.

Tomorrow is the dreaded Tuesday. You'd think being well over 100 miles from the situation would actually help me look at Tuesdays in a different perspective. It actually made it worse. I can taste the hot metallic anger in the back of my throat more than ever. Ugh. At least now I have not learned to de-validate those feelings. They are there for a damn good reason, but I used to shove them down and deny them.

They are not as potent as in the past though. They will be easily drowned out by the distractions (and hopefully sleep) for tomorrow. I hope to get some serious exercise in too to further ease my pain. I truly hope one day I don't have to deal with them, but I doubt it. Bah.

My father is grateful for the frequent phone calls. He sounded better yesterday. He is coherent and remembered that I was getting glasses. I didn't get a chance to speak to my mother. She is sounding better too now that she is getting some rest and sleep. I spoke to my son. He was distracted by his video games. Either way, hearing his voice helped.

Data sent a few sporadic texts, as did Moon. I didn't have much to say other than how tired I was, so I knew I wasn't very good "digital" company. I don't think I'll say much today. I'm much more interested in reading my books, training, and thinking about the 80 thousand pound vehicles I soon will be driving. I'm one of two females in a class of like 25 guys. I am the only one at the very beginning. It's a bit lonely. But I am already feeling fond of my class and I have had "mother" moments where I've helped the guys out on a few or more occasions. 2 of them I am particularly close too. They make me laugh every day.

Today I actually thought "Ya know? I think I can get used to this being away from home" part. So progress. Yay.

Moon might come up on Thursday for dinner. Might get a hotel room where we could spend some private time together. I'd definitely welcome that. Bear has not been possessive like I thought he might be do to our distance. A pleasant surprise.

Onward..
 
Bear and I are talking a lot. Regularly. Last night we talked for over 2 hours. He saw Spiderman and a said a few other things. At the moment, I wish I could remember what they were.

I'm having a hell of a time adjusting. Mainly, my sleep schedule. My body just doesn't want to switch over to day shift hours. I like the night. A lot.

Night is a lot more peaceful and less stressful. Less people are awake and there is a lot less noise.

I ended up being sent to the doctor for new glasses. They are working great. I didn't realize how much my eyes were straining before all of this came into play. Unfortunately, I now am required glasses when I drive. I am not at all happy about that, but I'm sure every other driver out there is grateful if the doctors believe my vision is questionable. My left eye is weaker then my right. I don't quite understand why you have to read such fine print to be able to pass a DOT screen. Ok, fine. It is what it is.

I text Bear anytime there is an update. I will be sent out for further training soon and it could happen at the drop of a hat.

We learned about the equipment on the trucks today. I didn't get to learn how to use the company messenger system, but that will come later. I learned some basic maintenance and what to look out for while out on the road. I also learned how to slide tandems (basically moving the trailer position on the wheels) and couple/uncouple.

I'm scared. Very scared. (Do I see a theme here?) and I am still questioning my sanity when I go through the motions. I wonder what the hell am I doing here and did I seriously bite a lot more off then I can chew? But before I can spiral, I realize there isn't much of a fucking choice at this point. NO job will pay this much without a degree and a hell of a lot of ass kissing that takes too much time. I have to make money because I chose to live the lifestyle that I did and get a divorce. I don't regret any of it (maybe the excessive spending), because I've come to terms with that I truly did the best I could've with my given knowledge at the time. I guess self forgiveness really is possible. Yay.

Bear and I talked more about the "emotional heavy" last night. There are still some challenges I need to work through concerning our past break ups. He handles them a lot better and answers them honestly. It feels good to confront them head on. The more I talk to him, the better I feel. I also got to hear more of his perspective and his side of the story - and it has been eye opening. It has also helped me assess my own actions as his wife and how to do a bit better.

My emotional control is a lot better. I have learned to shut them down until I've gotten out of the heat of the moment. I don't suppress them though. I have learned to reflect and let them flow as opposed to letting a big blow up happen. If I am ready to fly off the handle, I don't talk about it anymore (unless of course, it is pressing) until i am absolutely sure I can control myself. I have learned that approaching the situation with a flurry of tears and emotions might actually be detrimental, because it seems to shut Bear down or off or at least, makes the progress painfully slow when it comes to working shit out. It's never worth it.

My mother and I are talking a lot too. Sunny is doing just fine and she seems happier. I'd give my left arm to see him. I am still heavily involved even though I am almost 2 hours away. It hurts. But I think about what he will be able to have because of my hard work and it makes it worth it.

My dad is...well, he is surviving. I have to make it a point to call him every day. I keep suddenly falling asleep after school and I'll wake up in the dead of midnight. Not exactly a normal time to call lol. I HAVE to call him tomorrow. In fact, he'll be the first I call.


I asked for more assignments to do as a slave while OTR. I just don't feel like i can serve Bear at all, but I know that isn't the case. Their are many online M/s relationships out there. This is just another challenge.

I'm very homesick tonight. But I can also feel myself adjusting. I take my back pack without thinking. I have learned to plan ahead and am used to living off left overs and canned goods. I'm getting used to the other truckers and I'm used to hotel life. I hate all of it, for the most part, but it isn't a pressing issue. I just miss home. Pretty soon, I probably won't think much of it.

I do love the simplicity of it all though. There is nothing to clean and nothing to worry about other than what goes on my back. I don't like not having the freedom of not having my own vehicle at the moment, but I am very glad not to have to worry about it. Luckily, all the long walks I've done and the years I didn't have a car prepared me for that.

And I still have some poly-ness going on. Moon is coming up to take me out to dinner tomorrow night and I cannot wait to see him. Data texts me frequently, and Bear will be up soon to take me in his arms.

I'll be sent out for 6 weeks across the country soon. Don't know when that will hit, but it might be in the next 48 hours. I can't wait to actually drive the truck. They are fucking beautiful and the exercises I did with them, they ran as smooth as oil...
 
Got my departure date. It will most likely be this Monday.

Moon came up and took me out on a wonderful date. He took me to an historic town and an historic restaurant and spoiled me rotten. I had a delicious meatloaf dinner, hot wings for appetizer, and a sweet french custard for desert. We talked, a lot! Then we held each other in the parking lot. I cried when we had to depart. Suddenly the idea of being separated from even him was unbearable. He let me cry it out for a few minutes before squeezing me and telling me it's going to be ok.

I'm not sure right now. But they are just emotions. They bear no reality to fact. The fact is is that I need to do this. (I know, I am typing that a lot.)

Bear is coming up tomorrow. I don't even want to think about how bad that parting is going to be.

I got be a grown up now.

But geez this is hitting hard.

I asked for more BDSM writing assignments when out OTR (over the road). That will help and help me feel a better connection to Bear.

I miss my son.

I'm scared.
 
Hey Polysnow,

I know you can do this. :) It's not easy but it will be worth it for your son, it's good pay and good life, and you're getting it together. I'm super proud of you my virtual friend and if you ever wanna chat, pm me. :)
 
Bear asked a girl out.

I know this woman.

Feeling conflicted. Extreme elation to just total numbness.

I haven't been home for nearly a month now.

I am literally across the country.

Driving the big rig is amazing. I have seen the Appalachians, the Rocky mountains, and the Mojave Desert. I've seen Graceland and the great arch of St. Louis. I have gambled in Los Vegas. I saw my first dust storm. I have driven 77k heavy and bob tailed.

Don't know how to feel right now. Part of me is so homesick I want to rush home. A part of me wants to get as far away from home as possible.

I miss my son horribly.

Ugh ...don't know how to feel...
 
Still here. Still standing.

Bear's relationship with the other girl fell flat.

Warden or his ex wife has disappeared. She took off and has never come back. The result is his son is now living with us.

My stepson and I actually get along very well. We have learned about each other and we go grocery shopping together. I am starting to love him.

Bear and I are still happily married. We've moved to a townhouse. Still heavily into BDSM.

We work hard every day.

I think my days as a poly person are over. I just have no desire to pursue anymore partners. Bear is still looking.

We are fine.
 
I'm very glad to hear things are going well. Congratulations to you both on making new lives!

Leetah
 
We have been married for nearly a year.

I have met more of Bear's family. We get a long very well..

My son loves his stepbrother. They play together every week.

I've lost 45lbs and Bear is earning his Master's degree.

We've gotten our first piece of BDSM furniture for our dungeon. It's a spanking bench with a stockade.

Still no new partner for Bear, but we are still happy.
 
That's sounding like a generally positive time of life! Awesome :) Long, long may it continue.

arohanui
Evie
 
I've been thinking a lot about my BDSM life.

My poly life has essentially become dormant. It's not that I myself hadn't had opportunities to see other guys, it just hasn't been my focus. My focus lately has been my health and my job. Simply surviving.

I've also focused a lot on getting my ADHD treated. It has been a real barrier or the focus of a lot of attention because of the emotional issues that come with it.

Thirdly (is that a word?), Bear and I realize we have carried a lot of baggage. Despite our now happier lives, we both are still healing from our divorces.

We both look back on them and feel we have an ugly black mark of failure stamped on us. Not so much that we left our partners, but that we could not make either of them happy, despite years of efforts. I am referring to the time in our marriages BEFORE either of us met the other.

We talked one night a long time about it. It seems that Bear is just now starting to move on from his ex-wife. He admits he thinks about her a bit. I do my own, but not nearly as much. He said he laments he couldn't make things work the way he envisioned, that if he had just tried harder, he might've been able to make his poly ways work. But he realized, hence why he divorced her, that she was a solid mono and he could never be a mono.

I remember that with my own ex. The months following the divorce, I just beat myself up that I couldn't be the wife he wanted me to be. I still loved him, but just couldn't do it anymore. A part of me didn't want to give up, a part of me even wanted to be friends, to "fix what I could."

But then my ex became violent and worse, did and said some things toward my son that made me slam that door close. I now rejoice that I got out when I could. I hold no deep seated feelings for the father of my son now. The only thing I hold is the desire for BOTH of us to be in his life. Oddly enough, we are more civil now then ever. But I make it a point to have very little interaction with him. I also make it a point to NEVER allow his son to disrespect him. Sunny needn't be brought into our problems nor to ever believe disrespect toward any parent is ok, no matter what he sees or witnesses. It's been a real challenge. When he brings his frustrations about his father to me, I encourage him to work with his father or find ways to cope or send him to counseling. Its VERY hard not to say "Yeah, he's an asshole. Hence why he isn't in my life."

My own mom helps me when I know I'm reacting to strongly. I call her and just tell her all the hateful things I want to say to Sunny's father and she sets me straight. She empathizes, cause her own divorce from my brother's father was just like it. It helps. I don't know what I'd do without her.

This is all to say, I have baggage and I'm working on it.

In my BDSM life, I have more baggage and its shit I'm ready to let go, to start fresh.

Moon, my mentor and protector, just got engaged to his submissive. She would be his second wife. I was shocked how jealous I became when I read it. Our playdates and even regular conversations have grinded to a halt due to life. Recently, I asked if he wanted to come with me to a place I really find special. His response was that his partners wouldn't appreciate it if he went with me first, and not them. I was hurt, taken back, and it was hard not to text "I'M NOT YOUR FUCKING THIRD." When reality check is, I'm not really his partner. We are there for each other, nothing more. I hadn't realized my feelings for him were stronger than that. So I dealt with my feelings and accepted the situation.

I recently attended an excellent presentation by a Master who is very active in the community. He made me realize how much I miss being active in the community and pursuing my BDSM goals. I had been holding myself back due to baggage and fear of what happened to me with a other play partner happening again.

But I can't be afraid forever right? People are always going to trash talk and have an opinion. I shouldn't let it stop me. Hell, I dealt with a lot worse by facing what I faced with Bear. Time to start living, laughing, and loving again. I'm so sick of being afraid.
 
Bear and I are on year two of marriage.

Goodness it's been a long time. I had to re read my last post to remind myself where I was.


I now have 2 steady play partners in the BDSM world, a mistress, and I've become active sexually with a married couple whom I love dearly.

Sunny is doing well. He is as tall as me now.

I'm full blown poly active now. It's been a roller coaster ride of emotions, revelations..

But I'm still here, still in love with Bear, still trekking in the poly world.
 
Glad to hear the things are going so well! Thanks for the update!

Leetah
 
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