Out of the ashes

Polysnow said:
Therapy sucked. I just sat there and cried for the most part. I think it's time to up the meds a bit because this just isn't normal. I mean there is no reason for a human being to cry this much. I don't even wish it on my worse enemies. All I do is cry...cry....cry, panic, and then cry.
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No Polysnow. I don't hear someone who is crazy or anything non-normal. You're just a woman feeling opposing feelings while you grieve, and that's ok. I too grieved in such a way last year, and I am just now in a better and calmer place. Now I get "echo" moments, but like you- wouldn't wish this sort of pain on my worst enemy. It just sucks you dry. Thank yuo for posting on my blog. We are in similar places I guess, trying to decide how to move foreward but not done grieving. And that's ok.
 
Polysnow said:
. . . there is no reason for a human being to cry this much. I don't even wish it on my worse enemies. All I do is cry...cry....cry, panic, and then cry.
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Grief is like that. When my marriage came to an end, I was a total basket case. My husband had moved out and all I could do was sob on the couch. I would bury my face in the cushions and wail, and stay like that almost all day. Long, loud, wracking sobs. Once, I was heading to the subway to go to a job interview and I realized I needed to turn back around and go home -- because I was sobbing so hard while walking down the street that I could not see.

I cried on the couch, cried in bed, cried in the shower, cried in the park, cried in bars, cried in Starbucks - you name it, I cried. It isn't abnormal to cry and let out grief when your world's been turned upside down, so try and have a little compassion for what you're going through.

The only way to get through it is to let the waves come and ride them out. Trying to medicate and repress the grief will only submerge it but it will come up again because it wasn't allowed to complete itself.

(((((HUGS)))))
 
Thank you both for your kindness. It was MUCH needed. And I just cried some more....in relief.

Rage post:

I'm just so angry right now.

I look at the two men that I loved so dearly and think QUITTERS.

My son is going through a tough time and of course, like he has for the past fucking TEN GOD DAMN YEARS, my husband is like "I just don't know what to do."

Yeah that's right, you NEVER knew what to do. You didn't know what to do when we ran out of oil heat, you didn't know what to do when we found ourselves in a DIRE situation when our home was infested with bed bugs, you don't know what to do when I was very sick, working 2 jobs, and so depressed with postpartum I'd sit there for 12 hours a day when I was off and just blankly stare. You never made any real decisions, never pursued anything. When our son needed daycare, you just sat there and had me literally drive around, BEGGING daycares to help us. THANK GOD ONE DID.

And Bear...

Well haven't I talked about Bear enough?

I just feel like it it was always ME who has to step it up and do the hard work and keep shit centered. I ALWAYS do and guess what? Even in the midst of the divorce, completely separated from that freakazoid I married, I STILL have to step it up and hold it together. Think this man has served me with papers yet? Hell no. And he texted me today, saying he doesn't know what to do about our son. He's done...NOTHING. I'm doing the best I can with what I have. Maybe he is too, I don't know. But I feel like I got to ride in with my metaphorical guns drawn and get shit done. I need to find out the nitty gritty and figure out the logistics, because not only is HE saying he doesn't know what he's doing, his live in girl friend is complaining too. I'm taking my son more often (being night shift sucks, but it's the ONLY reason why I can afford to live independently, it's literally a dollar difference in pay per hour), but I need to figure out what I could do to get additional help - even through the state.

I just look at both of them right now and think WEAK.

For ONCE, I want a partner in my life who's as strong willed and frustrated as I am. Yes I despair, but I damn, I DO make changes and take a stand. I lost SO much doing that last year, but lord knows staying the same would've destroyed my life or profoundly wasted it. I took a chance with Bear. It was stupid, but damn I stood by my convictions and owned up to it. I'm floundering, hurting, bleeding, you name it right now, but damn I'm marching right? So why can't a man in my life be fighting just as hard? UGH.

I know this post sounds so...arrogant, self serving, *insert label here*...

But I'm seriously FED up with this scenario. I am very vividly reminded on why I ended my marriage to begin with - if I got to fight this hard and feel this alone, I might as well BE alone and do it.
 
Did a lot of good writing last night in my journal. It is amazing, how something suddenly clicks. I was reading my book when I read over a line that triggered what I wanted in my head. I suddenly had a clear image of what I was missing in both of my relationships - and why Bear and I really clicked in the beginning. It was such a strong revelation, it was -very- calming. I didn't understand why the chemistry between Bear and I was so intense. It's too much to spell out here, but the needed insight gave me a quick blast of clarification.

My rage post above helped too. I've been holding that in for a long time - and it's only the tip of the iceberg.

The hubby is texting. He refuses to meet me privately. He wants to meet in only public neutral places. That sounds reasonable, I know, but after all the theft, the underhandedness, and his bull shit, for ONCE I'd like to meet somewhere I chose. I just finally settled on a phone call. I hate to do this whole co-parenting thing like this, but on the other hand, it's become abundantly clear. We can't see each other right now. And I felt so repulsed by the sight of him the last time, I can honestly say the feeling is mutual.

I've tried to be amicable in this divorce. I let him move his affair partner in my home right after I discovered he was having one (and so was I, so how the **** can I judge?). This partner of his I've known longer than he has. I've known her since 2003. He met her...mmm, maybe in 2008? I knew there was chemistry between them right away. Knew it from the moment they saw each other.

I had no problem with it (and still don't). It is ironic he'd have an affair on me, because it wasn't necessary. I've let him have four other women before. And I've never ONCE criticized him for it. And no, it didn't bother me that he had feelings for these women. I grew up in a family where affairs...well, they happened. Ironically enough, when it comes to everyone else - I totally understand you can't control how you feel.

I DID tell him about Bear. Not right away, but I did. I had hinted I had feelings for other guys, and he didn't respond very well to it. He actually said to me he was "hurt that I would feel loving toward someone else", after I allowed him FOUR women? I was so angry that day. I made a stupid mistake NOT telling him the truth, that I had already begun a relationship with Bear. Looking back on it, the whole situation sounds absolutely insane.

I do remember thinking he reacted very well when I finally did tell him about Bear. I guess I know why now, by then him and his GF were already active. He had lied to her a lot. I saw the messages between them. I'm not shocked at all. I told her flat out he's done it before with other women. He had texted his Ex for years without telling me. And the strange thing is, I have NEVER shown any jealously toward it. He even said I never had. So why lie to me when he really wanted someone else? He did tell me he was ashamed of his "wandering eye." He apologized for me for all the women he saw and said he had thought it had ended our marriage. I was so confused. No, what had ended our marriage, in my eyes, was that we aren't compatible. Neither of us were capable of being what the other person wanted. Simple as that.

I left the house, I paid all the bills, I never cheated him out of anything during this separation. Yet, he stole from me, refuses to talk to me in person, and just recently cancelled our mutual car insurance even though I paid the bill regularly. I just don't fucking get it. I barely talk to him if I have too....Jesus Christ, you might think I was Satan's spawn to this man.

I do know his finances went to hell after I left. Suddenly, he was responsible for half the bills that I usually paid in full. His GF was paying for half of everything, until she quit her job. She was fired 2 days after she moved in, and then, when her new job proved to difficult for her, she upped and quit. By then, they had made a big purchase together, but only under my husband's name. So he's responsible for this very big purchase and it's sucking him dry.

Ever since she quit her job, he's been hostile toward me.

--

I feel like I did everything right to make sure that things could be settled civilly. But now, it looks like it might go the opposite direction. His GF DID tell me that he's afraid of me going after him for money and giving him problems for custody. I'd have a pretty strong case if I wanted too (at least I think I would), but I literally have NO interest in depriving anyone of anything. I just want this shit to END so we can both move on. I'm so repulsed by the sight of him because I wish I had the same compassion from him and I wish I hadn't had to uproot, move out, and receive all the blame for the divorce. I know what he's been telling his family. That shouldn't matter, but emotionally, it does. I've always been painted as the bad guy with him.

ugh.

I'm just as scared and hurt as he is. In different ways.

In my eyes, he's had to do nothing relatively compared to me. In fact, he's been accommodated and has the woman he loves next to him. (Or does he? I do question THAT too, but it's none of my business). Meanwhile, once again, I got to trail blaze by myself. and I feel like I face a lot more uncertainty than he does.

I'm so scared.

I didn't even mean to get into so much detail above. It just all came pouring out.
 
The munch was awesome. I met a submissive who was just as scared as I appeared to be when I first went, so we chatted away. There was a couple whom I've been drawn too and we talk a lot. Nothing sexual...yet, but our conversations have turned Kinky after the last time we met.

I didn't mingle much. There was a guy who looked so much like Bear I just kept staring at him. I felt tears behind my eyes the whole time we talked.

Got part of my resume done and therapy was....ok. I don't see the point on going to this person much longer. I don't get to talk much about how much pain I'm feeling because she is focused on moving me forward. I don't blame her for that and it's probably good, but some times you just want to verbalize what you are feeling, no matter how irrational it is.

Son and I are together tonight. Going to continue my work. Going to continue reading my books.

God I pray everything works out. I'm so scared.
 
It's a been a rough few nights. I spent all of Thursday crying my heart out. I mean a solid 12 hours. The I spent the next day just gathering all my things and taking inventory of everything. Then I called a divorce lawyer.

I started updating my resume and started writing, a lot. Then cried some more. I talked to moon about my feelings. I -really- miss Bear. A lot. But I realized too, so many things about our relationship made me so unhappy.

I'm getting closer to Moon, but I know a lot of it is rebound. I do care about him though, a lot. He found a new little for himself. I would be lying if I didn't feel pangs of jealousy.

I know I'm in no condition to be anyone's submissive, even Bear's, but it doesn't mean I don't crave it constantly. I miss his strong arms around me.

I printed out the divorce packet, got my taxes in order, and so fourth. A lot more drama came about from the hubby, but I know now I can't let that control me nor can I let him walk all over me. Honestly, I'm just sick of the games and am ready to move on.

I might be headed for bankruptcy after this whole thing. But honestly? It's just stuff, money, and crap and things from the past I don't want.

My son is over today and I'm so grateful for his company and love. He's happy, I'm happy, the weather is great.

My goal is to have this over in a few months. Let see how the tide turns.
 
I thought I was prepared for the horrors of divorce.

And it turns out they really haven't even started. Not in the way I thought that they had.

I spent most of the day on the phone with various advisors and even an attorney at one point. I have all kinds of paper work and stuff to file and figure out. I actually welcome that challenge. I'm very good at research and paper work when I actually set my mind to it.

The loneliness is a new feeling. Or should I say, it's beginning to assert itself over the pain now. It's usually at night when things starting to die down and settle down a bit. But sometimes, it's during the day when I happen to be awake and manage my affairs. I miss the connection I had with the men in life - but I also realize how poisonous this whole affair is.

I sat down, closed my eyes last night and just concentrated on letting go of my anger. I was so angry last night at everything. And yes, I cried all darn day after hanging up the phone. I finally just..stopped and let myself think. I -really- don't want to live this way anymore. Half of my stress is about finances and all that jazz. I'm so sick of worrying about it. It seems so stupid I'm getting worked up over a stupid car or some other luxury when in reality, I desperately need to change my ways or the rest of my life is going to be this way, and the idea makes me literally sick to my stomach.

My morning is just about to begin. More paper work, more phone calls, more....stuff. I can't wait for this to be over. But I better make changes or I'm going to end up here again. That can't happen.
 
I might have gotten my wish.

I have been on the phone and doing paper work constantly. I have confronted more of the divorce issues head on and faced some stuff I really didn't want to look at. I suddenly vividly remember the way I felt when I was 16 years old. Marriage was a risk and men were a waste of time.

When Bear and I went NC (It has now been 30 days), I got on my knees and prayed to God to help me remember what I was like when I was younger, when I didn't feel like I needed a man or anyone else in my life, where I was so gung ho about just getting on with life. I saw the couples all around me having problems and I grew up in a household where they DIDN'T get divorced when they really should have. I had sworn to myself I'd never end up bitter and miserable, trapped in a loveless marriage that lead to nothing but ballooning resentments and broken dreams.

At least I can say I've kept that promise. I left my husband and I don't regret it. I sometimes wish for the safety and the known - I am only human, but for the past few weeks, the craving for company, that male touch and that warm body next to me just clouded my judgement.

Moon and I continue to talk constantly, but he's cancelled on our playdates twice. At one point we were having a pretty intimate conversation and talking about things I had only talked about with Bear in the past. We didn't discuss some of the stuff I had gotten into with Bear (and I never will again), but still, it brought back vivid memories. We also talked about sexual stuff we fantasize about and again, more memories. Right in the middle of the conversation, I just broke down.

I apologized profusely to Moon, who insisted that I had nothing to apologize about and he knows I'm in a lot of pain. I just kept apologizing for being damaged over and over and over again. He said he knows, that's why he's there. That's why he wants me to talk to him about it and lean on him if he needed it. I called him a saint. He smiled and said "more like a devil." He's a great Dom, though really he's only my top and he knows that I still hold a torch out for Bear even though I desperately want to deny I do.

I take every bit of disappointment or cancelled date personally, from everyone. Especially moon. And lately, I'm starting to wonder if love or relationships are hardly worth the effort anymore or time. That's when I remembered how I felt the day I thought "I'll never get married" when I was 16 years old, standing in front of the movie theater.

I never want to go through this pain again and right now, even the idea of having the love of my life find me just sounds down right scary.

On a happier note - Moon is helping me apply and get back into college. One thing that's a definite - I am going to reinvent myself. There is no relationship or anything out there that is worth the ability to take care of yourself or survive in the corporate world.

My little one just got his education plan in place. He and I are becoming closer every day and I am finally starting to connect to him very deeply. I struggled with PPD very badly when I gave birth to him, so our relationship was...hmm, effected. But now I feel more maternal than ever and our time together is precious.
 
So...

Its been four months.

Major changes. Lots of ups and downs. Lots of adventure!

So the update.

Bear and I are back together.

We both ended up not talking for over 60 days.

Both of us ended up in therapy and dealing with our emotions. I had actually resolved that he wouldn't contact me again and that we wouldn't see each other again.

Those 60+ days were the darkest days I hardly want to discuss. But they were also the greatest growth I have ever had. I worked so hard. I came to terms with a lot of things and gained an independence that I didn't think was possible in such a short time.

I received a phone call back in March from Bear. He had gone to therapy (as in inpatient) and his wife did as well. They decided that they were incompatible and that ultimately, he wanted to be poly and she could never accept that.

For a month, they did their things and got affairs in order. He asked if I was willing to try again with him. I was.

He is now living with me and has been for almost two months now.

It has been tough and a journey. We are exploring so many things.

My divorce and his upcoming one has been a hell of thing to face together and we have had our own emotional barriers. but as of writing this, we are finally starting the life we've wanted for so long.

I'm feeling optimistic, but battle worn.

My son and I have never been closer. The divorce, for me, is almost officially over. Just waiting for the decree in the mail.
 
Different. But similar as well

Hi polysnow! Just wanted to send you a virtual hug! :::hugs:::

I may have said this before but I feel like you and are I are in somwhat similar boats... I know the situations are different but I do find similarities...

I'm going thru a divorce myself... My ex sounds a bit like yours in some ways... I too went thru some grieving periods over it.... We even seemed to stop posting around the same time and came back for an update a few weeks apart... Ironic!

Sending positive vibes your way... Your update about Bear gives me some hope when it comes to a connection I made with someone (feel free to check out my update)... I'm doing my best to simply let things flow of their own accord... The last year and a half of my life has been a soap opera, and like you I feel battle worn....What is meant to be will happen!!

::hugs::
 
It's been nearly a year since Bear has moved in.

It's been a rocky road. Lots of ups and downs. We are still working out our S/M dynamic.

I had another partner. Non-intercourse. But things went awry for a variety of reasons. I still can't quite put my finger on what just happened, but he became creepy, wanting to control everything I said with other people. And the thing is, half of the stuff he said I said, I never said. It was just plain weird. I warned the leaders of our local S and M community, but ultimately, I dropped out of the community in general.

Things between Bear and I are slowly solidifying. We are starting to learn more about each other in a vanilla, day to day life, and so far, compatible.

I admit, however, I still carry a lot of pain and baggage from the past 2 years, especially the divorce and what happened to me career wise.

I guess I'm posting here to say I'm still here, still trucking. Been living a mostly mono life with Bear, but I'm still very close with a friend of mine (I've forgotten the nick name I gave him if I did at all.) I have to re-read this blog and remember where I left off lol.

Wish life would be a bit more black and white - but at least it's an adventure, every day.
 
Hey Poly Snow!
It's so good to hear from you. I'm so glad things are more stable for you now and you're feeling even keel. :) Such good news.

Ugh about the platonic partner, that sounds really odd i'm glad you sorted that. Keep us updated on how things go, it seems to be a general thing on the blog part of forums that a lot of people have moved into a monogamish setting, and a sense of reserve after the events of last years politics may have had this affect? I'm not sure..there's a pattern but could be coincidental..

I'm also glad you're safe from the last one.

((hugs)) be gentle in the baggage and pain, it takes time to heal, it's OK to take time to heal.
 
starlight1 said:
Hey Poly Snow!
It's so good to hear from you. I'm so glad things are more stable for you now and you're feeling even keel. :) Such good news.

Ugh about the platonic partner, that sounds really odd i'm glad you sorted that. Keep us updated on how things go, it seems to be a general thing on the blog part of forums that a lot of people have moved into a monogamish setting, and a sense of reserve after the events of last years politics may have had this affect? I'm not sure..there's a pattern but could be coincidental..

I'm also glad you're safe from the last one.

((hugs)) be gentle in the baggage and pain, it takes time to heal, it's OK to take time to heal.
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Never gave it much thought. It was just how things panned out. lol. But it really is a very good point and trend.

Thank you for the shout out.

--

You ever have those moments where you stop, look in the mirror, and think "Jesus, how the hell did I get here?"

I don't mean in a negative sense, just genuine surprise.

About my platonic "friend"

I haven't spoken to him , at all, and I have no intentions to ever do so again.

If I did though, I'd thank him.

I remember the rain falling on the car, my head on the steering wheel as I cried over the situation.

Then it hit me.

I'm crying over a man who calls his other partners "females", who flat out professed he used people until he was no longer interested and moved on and that he owed them nothing, who couldn't even look me in the eye, in person, because he was "too blunt" and "knew he'd only hurt me more because he'd be a lot more meaner in person", THEN accused me of loving him and hiding my "true feelings" for him...

I suddenly stopped crying and laughed. I laughed so hard that fresh tears ran down my cheeks.

This man was really something.

And just WHO the fuck did he think he was thinking he had even come close to earning my love and devotion? HA. He had NO idea. I was WAY out of his league.

..

Then I realized he wasn't the problem.

I was.

I had been for months.

Because I'm carrying around serious baggage.

I'm not healed. At all. I'll wounded by everything that happened in the past 2 years. The worst part is that I know I brought almost all of it on myself.

I did my best with what I knew. I honestly...

Well I don't have excuses.

The major difference now is I'm terrified. Terrified of my own judgement and even more terrified of "Where am I going now?"


So when I have those surreal moments, they are bitter sweet. I can't believe how much I've learned, changed, and accomplished. How much things have changed...

but I've now learned how quickly things CAN change...

--

I started schooling for a new career.

Tired of banging my head up against the wall.

Tired of fighting for something that can't ever come back.

The spark is gone, dead.

At least, in THIS area it is.

--

Things are going well. Classes etc.

Bear and I are doing well. We've had some tiffs. Still sorting out the kinks and learning the ins and outs of our quirks.

He too is getting a career change. We are talking a lot about the future.

--

Wish I could put into words.

I guess the only thing left to write is I'm back in the transition phase.


How the hell do you not be afraid of life after...everything?

I'm scared of my own shadow now.

I hate it.

I fucking hate it.

You're afraid of your world bottoming out and swallowing you whole at the slightest sign something isn't right.

Something happened. My ex sent a text to my mom. It might've been innocent.

But the amount of anger I felt and the "defense" mode I went into was astronomical.

Then there are other things.

Just everything puts me into catasrophical thinking mode.

And I'm still "bleeding" on the inside from what happened 2 years ago.

Everyone tells me to move on, to learn from it..

But I can't seem to do it.

Even when I do talk about it, all I can do is cry.

And I lash out at certain subjects.

Hmmm

This post turned out to be a bit darker then I'd like. I really just wanted to pop in and say things are moving on.

I'm still healing.
 
And just like that, both of our divorces are over.

By some scary twist of fate.

Bear and his ex settled and the judge signed off.

He came home. Brought in the mail and there was my settlement papers.

I keep thinking I'm going to wake up.

I don't know what to feel other than tremendous relief atm.

No more court dates, nothing left to settle.

Huh...
 
Bear and I are fine.

I graduated my classes and got my certification. Applying to different jobs now.

Turns out my ex still wants some stuff to settle in court. Ugh. Its stuff i already knew about - and thought we already covered, but such is life.

One of Bear's potential dates flopped. She was flaky and seemed, imho, to take advantage of a situation to lead him on. He has a different perspective, but i guess it's moot now. I still feel bad despite my reservations, he had hope it would work out.

He's officially headed back to school at some point. I'm very proud of both of us actively trying to improve ourselves. Progress is slower than I'd like, but life is alot better than it was.
 
Man do I ever feel you on so many points. Mainly the whole thing of how scary it is, out of divorce and trying to adult and being afraid of your own choices and questioning if you are adulting well enough. That...thing.

I have not cried. I think I need to, but I haven't. I've got a plan for when I'm ready to really get cathartic and try to deal with this stuff, but it's shut down until I can. I'm afraid to feel my feelings, even though it's been over 2 years since I broke up with my ex and I KNOW how toxic and messed up he is. I still don't feel ready to grieve. I envy your tears, because you're strong enough to let them fall. I'm scared of mine.

Also, I know it's just coincidence, but your Bear reminds me of someone. An older guy I met a while back, who traveled a lot for work but had ties to Colorado. Really fit for a dude his age, totally Dom, had a habit of taking photos of flowers and scenery wherever he went. I don't imagine it's the same guy. But I find myself wondering, as ya do... Silly.

Anyhow. Best of luck with the job search!!
 
Thank you for the kind words Spork.

I haven't grieved, to be honest. At least, not fully.

Right now all I feel is anger. A ton of anger. I take one look at my ex now, or hell, even just a text and I literally feel ill. I also feel a huge amount of shame. I cannot believe I ever even touched that man.

But that's a whole other subject.

--

Bear and I continue to work on our S/M relationship. It's really filling out in the 24/7 aspect. I really enjoy the service part of it. I'm starting to crave it as much as I do the sexy times. He's taken more control, I've given more. The relief is...wonderful.

It's a big day for me. Bear actually stuck by, and has been faithful to all my boundaries. But today, he did it even though I was willing to allow an exception because it was an extreme circumstance. He looked me in the eye and said "I'm going to honor it, I know how uncomfortable it makes you." That meant the world to me.

We are also have been working on communicating and being much more aware of each other's triggers. We both are carrying emotional wounds from our last relationship. We are also trying to "tend to our own gardens." So far, it's been very successful. There have been rocky and very emotionally charged moments, but in the end, we both worked them out without extreme measures or throwing the past around.

--

Our situation is changing a bit. My son is coming home for the summer. He's a autistic and hyper active. Bear handles it like a champ - his own son has autism and he knows how to deal.

I believe I'm getting ready to switch jobs, but am not sure yet. Been afraid to move forward simply because in my last job, theres security, theres the known. It's tough. I'm having a tough time coming to terms with it, as proud of myself as I am that I graduated school to achieve it.

My own relationships have stalled. I'm just not interested in others at this time. We still go to munches, but most of my relationship stuff is through the S and M front. I'm learning to serve him and learning to be his submissive - and it's been one hell of an adventure so far.

He really trained me good last night. We talked about some of the situations I struggle with professionally and personally in regards to my control of my emotions, and he shared a lot of his own experiences. It was such a bonding moment. Then we worked on sexy and domestic duties. Good, practical - and HOT fun.

I meant to write so much more. But I'm so tired.
 
I look at my son and think to myself..

He's so perfect. He looks so blissful when sleeping.

A lot of my anger is the horrendous shame that he's in this situation.

I would've left his father eventually. I knew that when he was first born. Even with the situation explained in this blog happening, divorce was inevitable. I tried so hard to deny it, to fix it, but you simply cannot deny who you are and you certainly cannot go on hating your everyday existence.

I would not want that for him. I sure as hell would NEVER want him to stay with a woman he felt obligated to stay with.

I grew up in a house riddled with bitterness. My parents stayed together because they both felt trapped and they had too - for the sake of us kids. We had a good life, but I'll never forget the terrible under belly that we lived in.

Still.

I wish I had done better. I wish I didn't land myself in the current employment situation. I HAVE to make money now in order to provide rather than be there for his needs all the time.

I grew up this way. I bear no resentment toward my parents. In fact, I admire them.

So why am I so ashamed when I have to be a working mom? Why can't I come to terms with it?

Why can't I get this idealistic image of what a mother is supposed to be out of my head?

My son WILL NOT go without. I promised myself that when he was born. And he hasn't. He won't know mediocre and he won't know poverty.

I just wish...I don't know. I wish I was the mother that was there, wants to be stay at home, wants to be the caregiver at ALL times (I wish he didn't have to go to daycare etc). But I also know that is so far from my personality.

A part of the reason why I'm doing the career that I'm choosing is that I can eliminate our debt, save a decent nest egg, and then be able to cut back as he gets older. If I continue like this, our finances are just going to spiral out of control and I refuse to spend my life living pay check to pay check.

Here's another person out here wishing she could have it all. lol.
 
((hug)).

Just slowly remind yourself that you are worthy and loving when working. And that its ok to be a working mother, to be powerful AND loving, and to strive for a future that is not poverty. That is not "Wanting it all" that is realistic. No one WANTS poverty...especially not for their kids.

I was lucky, I was able to be sustained while watching my kids, in order to be at home with them, BUT I was in poverty, and it was the choice I made, sometimes I regret, sometimes I don't. I do know this, your love of your son is apparent, and you'll do what's best for him. If you're at home you teach him to be at home too, if you're at work, you teach him work ethic.

If we aren't fucking up our kids a little bit we're doing it wrong anyway.
I don't know anyone who isn't a little pissed off at their parents at one point or another for whatever reason. But most grew out of it, and grew together later on.

You're taking the long view, and that's all that can be asked of you. And you're doing what's right for you and your child. Never doubt that.
 
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