Overnights and Uhauling

[Bobbi]

As my time in these forums (not just polyamory.com) and podcasts grows, I see a standard theme in polyamory of rushing into overnights (even weekends) and Uhauling (moving in together during NRE).

I get that NRE is amazing (and horrible at the same time, with anxiety) and it's like a drug that you just want more of, but that's exactly what it is! The more you get dosed, the more you want, and the less you see the red flags and colossal mistakes you are making.

I know there are people that recommend not making any big decisions during NRE, but there are so many very experienced poly folks that support rushing in. (No overnights is a deal breaker.)

It floors me when I see people spending entire weekends with a new partner, especially when one (or both) is already nesting. Even more, people surprised if the person realized their mistakes and pulling back. Why are overnights so important? I had four overnights in the first year of my partnership. Yes I wanted more, but never did I expect full weekends starting in week 2! (He lived alone and had no other partners.) I would have liked one overnight per week after 6 months, but that's me.

It seems like people miss the whole dating part of getting to know each other. Once sex is involved, it moves quickly, to spending as much time as possible, maybe moving in or planning your futures together, but everything else gets lost in the chemical rush.

The more you feed NRE, the stronger it gets, and the less faculties you have for good decision-making and partner selection. The stronger your chances of getting into an unhealthy dynamic that's hard to get out of. Shouldn't we be encouraging people to slow down during NRE?

Moving too fast not only makes it impossible to spot and ignore things you normally wouldn't, it also supports bad behavior and ignoring of established partners. I hear about partners losing out on sex and connection and quality time while partner is off with the new and shiny. We accept this as what it is and say it will get better in months or a year when it wears off.

How is this okay? It should not be a standard of how it is, or an excuse. Being able to negotiate NRE without getting all lovesick and neglecting your life, responsibilities, or partners should be one of the skills that poly people have mastered, just like autonomy.

It's clear the poly community will talk badly about couples privilege or hierarchy, but not about leaving other partners in the dust during NRE. Why does NRE get a pass on treating your partners like crap or prioritizing the new and shiny over long established relationships, and if not, it's called out as hierarchy or couples privilege?

As far as I'm concerned, there should be a hierarchy and there should be couples privilege for at least the first 6 months. You JUST MET THIS PERSON. They shouldn't be entitled to equal, or worse, more time, sex, attention, or say than an established partner.

I get and fully support autonomy. But if that autonomy results in choices that result in treating another partner badly, you should end it because you don't really care about that partners feelings much anyway.

What are your thoughts on this? If you think I'm way off base, why?

 

[icesong]

I don’t see overnights fairly early as moving too fast, just because I don’t particularly love it when my partner or I have to leave after sex if it’s a relationship that I _want_ to deepen… and I don’t sleep with my nesting partner every night so an overnight isn’t taking anything away from them, and lack of the option every WOULD be a relationship dealbreaker for me. But otherwise I totally agree with you.

 

[Bobbi]

I don’t see overnights fairly early as moving too fast

There's a big difference though between "fairly early" and brand new. entire weekends starting on week one or two and continuing on seems excessive and unhealthy for what is hopefully a long term healthy relationship.

If the intent is a fling then I get it.

 

[Evie]

It seems like people miss the whole dating part of getting to know each other.

I was a teenager in the 90s in Wellington, New Zealand. We never "dated" - sex and pillow talk *was* getting to know each other. I'm totally good with that. Overnights aren't 'rushing in' in my culture. They have been normalised since my generation were teenagers.

It's clear the poly community will talk badly about couples privilege or hierarchy but not about leaving other partners in the dust during NRE.

Um...but we do. We talk about being a good hinge, about mitigating polyhell, about deliberately dating your established partner(s) and having phone down time. We talk about loving behaviour and ensuring that a nesting partner is not being treated poorly. Are people instantly good at managing NRE and established relationships? Of course not. Ergo seeing so many of the polyhell posts, but there is lots of educational information available about this and we point people at it whenever it arises.

There's a big difference though between "fairly early" and brand new. entire weekends starting on week one or two and continuing on seems excessive and unhealthy for what is hopefully a long term healthy relationship.

Where are you seeing this? It seems like an outlier situation compared to the experiences of people we read around here.

 

[kdt26417]

I've certainly done things, under the influence of NRE, that I came to regret. Not necessarily overnights and Uhauling, but definitely things I would take back if I had a time machine. I don't consider NRE to be an excuse, but maybe it can be an explanation, like if someone were drunk or high, you wouldn't be as surprised if they did something foolish.

 

[Ariakas]

It floors me when I see people spending entire weekends with a new partner, especially when one (or both) is already nesting. Even more, people surprised if the person realized their mistakes and pulling back. Why are overnights so important? I had four overnights in the first year of my partnership. Yes I wanted more but never did I expect full weekends starting in week 2! (He lived alone and had no other partners). I would have liked one overnight per week after 6 months, but that's me.

Responsibilities? This is odd. I barely have time for a single overnight let alone weekends.

It seems like people miss the whole dating part of getting to know each other. Once sex is involved it moves quickly to spend as much time as possible, maybe move in or plan your futures together, but everything else gets lost in the chemical rush.

I love dating. That said I fucked my wife on the first date. It's been 25 years. I rarely wait. So dating doesn't need to exclude sex. imho.

The more you feed NRE, the stronger it gets and the less faculties you have for good decision making and partner selection. The stronger your chances of getting into an unhealthy dynamic that's hard to get out of. Shouldn't we be encouraging people to slow down during NRE?

I used to refer to nre as a drug. So I get this.

Moving too fast not only makes it impossible to spot and ignore things you normally wouldn't, it also supports bad behavior and ignoring of established partners. I hear about partners losing out on sex and connection and quality time while partner is off with the new and shiny. We accept this as what it is and say it will get better in months or a year when it wears off.

How is this okay? It should not be a standard of how it is or an excuse. Being able to negotiate NRE without getting all love sick and neglecting your life, responsibilities, or partners should be one of the skills that poly people have mastered, just like autonomy.

Yes... This... Wonder if

Age is an impact
Maturity
Experience

Nre today for me is very different than when younger.

It's clear the poly community will talk badly about couples privilege or hierarchy but not about leaving other partners in the dust during NRE. Why does NRE get a pass on treating your partners like crap or prioritizing the new and shiny over long established relationships and if not it's called out as hierarchy or couples privilege?

Love this.

As far as I'm concerned, there should be a hierarchy and there should be couples privilege for at least the first 6 months. You JUST MET THIS PERSON. They shouldn't be entitled to equal, or worse, more time, sex, attention, or say than an established partner.

Yes

I get and fully support autonomy. But if that autonomy results in choices that result in treating another partner badly, you should end it because you don't really care about that partners feelings much anyway.

What are your thoughts on this? If you think I'm way off base, why?

I love all of this and agree. I struggle when people let nre absorb themselves or let nre devalue other relationships...

That said I experience long term nre.. and it always outlasts my partners.. (to date). And grieving the loss of nre has been tough too.

 

[Ariakas]

ironically, I have only ever heard the term uhauling in regards to lesbian relationships .. but I get the gist

 

[tishmish]

As my time in these forums (not just polyamory.com) and podcasts grows, I see a standard theme in polyamory of rushing into overnights (even weekends) and Uhauling. (Moving in together during NRE).

I get that NRE is amazing (and horrible at the same time with anxiety) and it's like a drug that you just want more of, but that's exactly what it is! The more you get dosed, the more you want and the less you see the red flags and colossal mistakes you are making.

I know there are people that recommend not making any big decisions during NRE but there's so many very experienced poly folks that support rushing in. (No overnights is a deal breaker)

It floors me when I see people spending entire weekends with a new partner, especially when one (or both) is already nesting. Even more, people surprised if the person realized their mistakes and pulling back. Why are overnights so important? I had four overnights in the first year of my partnership. Yes I wanted more but never did I expect full weekends starting in week 2! (He lived alone and had no other partners). I would have liked one overnight per week after 6 months, but that's me.

It seems like people miss the whole dating part of getting to know each other. Once sex is involved it moves quickly to spend as much time as possible, maybe move in or plan your futures together, but everything else gets lost in the chemical rush.

The more you feed NRE, the stronger it gets and the less faculties you have for good decision making and partner selection. The stronger your chances of getting into an unhealthy dynamic that's hard to get out of. Shouldn't we be encouraging people to slow down during NRE?

Moving too fast not only makes it impossible to spot and ignore things you normally wouldn't, it also supports bad behavior and ignoring of established partners. I hear about partners losing out on sex and connection and quality time while partner is off with the new and shiny. We accept this as what it is and say it will get better in months or a year when it wears off.

How is this okay? It should not be a standard of how it is or an excuse. Being able to negotiate NRE without getting all love sick and neglecting your life, responsibilities, or partners should be one of the skills that poly people have mastered, just like autonomy.

It's clear the poly community will talk badly about couples privilege or hierarchy but not about leaving other partners in the dust during NRE. Why does NRE get a pass on treating your partners like crap or prioritizing the new and shiny over long established relationships and if not it's called out as hierarchy or couples privilege?

As far as I'm concerned, there should be a hierarchy and there should be couples privilege for at least the first 6 months. You JUST MET THIS PERSON. They shouldn't be entitled to equal, or worse, more time, sex, attention, or say than an established partner.

I get and fully support autonomy. But if that autonomy results in choices that result in treating another partner badly, you should end it because you don't really care about that partners feelings much anyway.

What are your thoughts on this? If you think I'm way off base, why?

Hi Bobbi,

I do not think you are off base at all! I think this is a scary topic that is so nuanced that people in the community even have a hard time discussing this issue. I am going through something similar to what you describe, and I have felt the heartbreak and neglect and the feelings of unfairness. I agree with you how quickly things can escalate in relationships when they are guided by NRE.

While I see your point and feel your pain so extreme, I have two thoughts. One is yes, I 100% agree that to the best possible extent, there should be no big life decisions made during the first 3-6 months of NRE if you have already established partners that you are economically involved with or have children with or are married. A fair-assessed boundary is something that I have established for myself. However, even though it can be so painful to go through the overnight and intimate closeness your partner is generating when they first meet someone they are excited about, I think setting restrictions on that period with sex and overnights is blocking the natural development of that relationship. In a well-established poly relationship, the partner experiencing NRE has a duty to their already established partners. They must be able to put the effort in balancing the emotions of their current partner while establishing new connections. If they are leaving someone in the dust, they are not a considerate, caring, and logical partner. I do not think NRE is a pass. I think that if you choose to participate in this love style, you are choosing to care for MORE THAN ONE PERSON.

I am sorry to hear you have experienced this less-than-equitable experience. I think it is two-fold, though. I think new poly partners should be entitled to indulge in that NRE, BUT I think it is the Hinge partner's job to make sure and hold up the responsibilities of their current relationships and NOT neglect them or their duties as parents or spouses. If you can't or aren't willing to even try to dance that delicate wave, you should not be practicing poly. You should be single.

When you say "you should end it," it is important to recognize that WE are the only ones responsible for our boundaries and what we are willing to and able to accept. So I think that YOU, as the individual affected negatively, have a choice on accepting or rejecting that kind of treatment. I believe we train people how they can treat us. What you have described is unfair, but I am not sure I fully agree that asserting couple's privilege is the answer.

 

[Bobbi]

Um...but we do. We talk about being a good hinge, about mitigating polyhell, about deliberately dating your established partner(s) and having phone down time. We talk about loving behaviour and ensuring that a nesting partner is not being treated poorly.

There are people here in polyamory.com that are indeed great at this! No doubt. My comment was general and geared at overall poly community. Poly community is great at telling a hinge they need to spend time focusing on the relationship they want to put on the back burner but the support for a person who is having a hard time with their partner having NRE and ignoring them gets less support that looks more like "that is NRE and it won't last" as if the person will have to deal with it for months until it fades. That was my point.

Where are you seeing this? It seems like an outlier situation compared to the experiences of people we read around here.

May be an outlier but I've seen it enough that it strikes me hard every time I see it.

 

[Bobbi]

barely have time for a single overnight let alone weekends.

Lol right!

So dating doesn't need to exclude sex. imho.

I never said that! I'm not the fastest mover on the planet but if I haven't had sex by the 5th date, I'm just not that into you.

Yes... This... Wonder if

Age is an impact
Maturity
Experience

Nre today for me is very different than when younger.

So true! I do think all of these play a role but I think as poly people we should be working to master this skill early on as part of fundamentals.

 

[Ariakas]

Lol right!

I never said that! I'm not the fastest mover on the planet but if I haven't had sex by the 5th date, I'm just not that into you.

Fair enough. 5 dates you are being generous

(Although I am currently taking to someone with a 3 month rule. I am either going to go insane or I won't last)

So true! I do think all of these play a role but I think as poly people we should be working to master this skill early on as part of fundamentals.

I agree....

I still remember being 20 and... Hahaha .. I was "mature".. but not mature.

And good god I miss the nre drug. So I 100 percent get where you are coming from. Going through a small grieving period now losing it so I recognize what you are putting down. Mine last 2.5 years. I am not ready for .. relationship energy.

 

[Bobbi]

, I think setting restrictions on that period with sex and overnights is blocking the natural development of that relationship. In a well-established poly relationship, the partner experiencing NRE has a duty to their already established partners.

I wasn't talking about setting restrictions, more like setting personal boundaries of your own behavior to ensure you aren't neglecting established partners. I'm very much against rules of any form and fully support autonomy. Within that autonomy you should care about your partners enough to not steamroll over their feelings in the name of autonomy.

They must be able to put the effort in balancing the emotions of their current partner while establishing new connections. If they are leaving someone in the dust, they are not a considerate, caring, and logical partner. I do not think NRE is a pass. I think that if you choose to participate in this love style, you are choosing to care for MORE THAN ONE PERSON

YES!!

I am sorry to hear you have experienced this less-than-equitable experience

I haven't experienced this. I've just seen how people in the poly world respond to it in not the best ways.

I think new poly partners should be entitled to indulge in that NRE, BUT I think it is the Hinge partner's job to make sure and hold up the responsibilities of their current relationships and NOT neglect them or their duties as parents or spouses. If you can't or aren't willing to even try to dance that delicate wave, you should not be practicing poly. You should be single.

Agree this was the point I was making. I just said it in a different way.

This relates to that

What you have described is unfair, but I am not sure I fully agree that asserting couple's privilege is the answer.

I'm not sure you understood that part. I'm saying if a person is going to be a selfish dick to established partners when in NRE, they should just end the established relationships. If you care less about how you treat someone, you probably shouldn't be in a relationship with them. There's no couples privilege.

Some people "collect" partners and don't break up when they know they don't really care about them. Instead they just treat them badly until they become so broken and finally leave. I wish people would just become better humans....I guess that's for another forum entirely

 

[Ariakas]

Some people "collect" partners and don't break up when they know they don't really care about them. Instead they just treat them badly until they become so broken and finally leave. I wish people would just become better humans....I guess that's for another forum entirely

Fuckkkkk this hits. I literally talked about this with A the other day. Her new comet just collects folks and doesn't ever dump them.

In fact this is common in our region.

I ... Honestly was shocked that this was acceptable and for the life of me can't figure out why I can't get dates but some folks have 5 to 6 folks of dead weight

I am still trying to contemplate this. Maybe I am doing poly wrong.. or maybe the community is. I am actually super confused/aghast by this.

Even if I have a fwb or comet. I still want some meaning at this point.

... So confused.

 

[Bobbi]

I am still trying to contemplate this. Maybe I am doing poly wrong..

I've learned to not judge my poly against others.' There are so many flavors. Just figure out your values and find partners with similar values, or at least values that can work with yours.

I'm still new at poly, only being just over 3 years in, and I've learned so much and changed my mind a ton through the growth I've had. Just let it flow and be okay with still not knowing. Things will become clearer over time.

Even if I have a fwb or comet. I still want some meaning at this point.

I am a person who has few very close people in my life. I don't have superficial friends and do not thrive on being popular. If I'm dating someone for more than a few times then they are probably destined to become one of the few close people. It doesn't matter what kind of relationship it is, that connection will be there.

 

[Ariakas]

I've learned to not judge my
poly against others. There's so many flavors. Just figure out your values and find partners with similar values or at least values that can work with yours.

.. easier said than done. But would be nice.

I'm still new at poly only being just over 3 years in and I've learned so much and changed my mind a ton through the growth I've had. Just let it flow and be okay with still not knowing. Things will become clearer over time

It's been 14 years of poly and over 20 open. The poly landscape has shifted multiple times. But I appreciate the sentiment.

I am a person who has few very close people in my life. I don't have superficial friends and do not thrive on being popular. If I'm dating someone for more than a few times then they are probably destined to become one of the few close people. It doesn't matter what kind of relationship it is, that connection will be there.

Love this and I relate.. this isn't the poly that surrounds me

 

[Juan234]

In a long term relationship, the tried-and-true primary is due appreciation. And I agree that any proven and effective ways to throttle NRE back are valid discussion topics.

 

[JustTheThreeOfUs]

As long as you and your partner are on the same page, it shouldn’t matter. Just like any monogamous relationship, you don’t know how the first date will go. Imagine you go on your first date, have an absolutely incredible connection so you get a hotel room and sleep together. Then, as soon as the deed is done, you have to excuse yourself and go home to your partner. That couldn’t be more unnatural. If you and your partner on the same page, there should be some Compersion involved, and they should be happy that you made that connection.

That being said, there has to be a balance. I agree, spending weekends with someone that you just met and leaving out your primary isn’t healthy for a relationship either. That’s why this lifestyle can be difficult. That balance is not easy!

 

[Openbook23]

I would never move in with someone in the first year, but overnights? Those to me are just extended stays together. I recently did my bravest version of this.

Met someone online who lives in another state (a little over 3 hours from me). We decided to do our FIRST meet in a city between us. How to do this? Well, the obvious is to drive there and head back, but we didn't want all that driving. So we decided to stay the night, and here's where we took a chance. None of the hotels looked good, but we found a cute B and B, which required two nights. We decided to share a room, to save expenses. So, we'd been sexting a bit, but again, first in person meet. We decide to just do it, with the caveat that either person is completely free to leave at any time.

I get there, and no one else is in the house...not even the owner. It's literally just us in a small mansion (it had two refrigerators in the kitchen, and a small chapel room!) Fortunately, it worked, and after 48 hours together, we decided to continue the relationship. I'm going to her place this week, to stay the night. Since we live in different cities, it's very likely we'll stay the night with each other every time we see each other.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

Because people want it all! They want to be married, but have the freedom of someone who has made life choices which aren't long term inflexible commitments.

 

[Bobbi]

I would never move in with someone in the first year, but overnights? Those to me are just extended stays together. I recently did my bravest version of this.

Met someone online who lives in another state (a little over 3 hours from me). We decided to do our FIRST meet in a city between us. How to do this? Well, the obvious is to drive there and head back, but we didn't want all that driving. So we decided to stay the night, and here's where we took a chance. None of the hotels looked good, but we found a cute B and B, which required two nights. We decided to share a room, to save expenses. So, we'd been sexting a bit, but again, first in person meet. We decide to just do it, with the caveat that either person is completely free to leave at any time.

I get there, and no one else is in the house...not even the owner. It's literally just us in a small mansion (it had two refrigerators in the kitchen, and a small chapel room!) Fortunately, it worked, and after 48 hours together, we decided to continue the relationship. I'm going to her place this week, to stay the night. Since we live in different cities, it's very likely we'll stay the night with each other every time we see each other.

Love this story and yes, super brave on the first meet! I would see exceptions for LD partners for sure. Depending on how frequently you see each other and the level of distance could play a big role on how long the trip is for. I have one comet. I don't go visit him, but he works here three months out of the year and I see him when he is here.