Parallel Poly Ups & Downs

Valynn

Member
My relationship with JR these past months has seemed to be idyllic. We see each other multiple times a week & I run D&D for him and most of my family almost every Sunday. But sometimes I feel like something is off. Like there is something I am not seeing or isn't right. I know I have PSTD issues (non-medicated & no therapy) due to abuse by past partners that make my ADD (also non-medicated) brain go haywire. And I get these feelings & thoughts that I call "brain squirrels" cause they never shut up & they skitter around making me question everything I do. And tonight I can't help but think that JR is lying to me & he will never get his own place. That I have fallen for another cheater.

I have no reason other than my flawed feelings to account for this. I knew when our relationship changed with Angela & completely was parallel last year at around this time, that I might feel this way. I dream of having a KTP type relationship but it never works out. All I can do at this point is to pour my feelings here & pray I haven't gone astray again.
 

Valynn

Member
A little backstory. I happened to see a post on FB about Angela & her friends having fun at a local park with pictures. Going through these picture I stop at on were it is her friend's son & his friend. And there is 2 shadows taking the picture. My messed up brain goes "That second shadow looks like JR!". And now I am jumping to conclusions going down a depressing rabbit hole for no reason.

Plus due to Covid & everything with Angela all of our mutual friends have distanced themselves from us. So I have no friends around me to talk to.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Hi Valynn,

Maybe the thing to do is to ask JR, "I saw a shadow on Angela's Facebook post and it looked like you. I wonder if I am just making that up? I was hoping you could tell me." In other words, don't just have terrified feelings about things, ask JR directly and let him explain the situation. I feel bad for you that you are having these mixed-up feelings that are hurting you. I hope you can get it all figured out.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 

Valynn

Member
Hi Valynn,

Maybe the thing to do is to ask JR, "I saw a shadow on Angela's Facebook post and it looked like you. I wonder if I am just making that up? I was hoping you could tell me." In other words, don't just have terrified feelings about things, ask JR directly and let him explain the situation. I feel bad for you that you are having these mixed-up feelings that are hurting you. I hope you can get it all figured out.

Regards,
Kevin T.
I did ask him. He answered back immediately. He was at the outing & it was his shadow that I had seen. He didn't think that going to this would upset me. I answered neither did I but my brain had other opinions.

I need to figure out a way that if this happens in the future I can work through it better. I hate how this made me feel & how fast it took me to get overwhelmed.

I am also under pressure to get ready for a new local farmer's market on Saturday.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
I hope the new local farmer's market goes okay. Maybe you are upset about the shadow on Angela's Facebook because JR didn't tell you to expect that ahead of time? Sometimes the heart has stronger reactions than the brain would expect it to have.
 

Valynn

Member
I hope the new local farmer's market goes okay. Maybe you are upset about the shadow on Angela's Facebook because JR didn't tell you to expect that ahead of time? Sometimes the heart has stronger reactions than the brain would expect it to have.
That's the thing. I know that most weekends they will be doing things together. Hopefully with this farmer's market I can focus on my stuff & not on seeing what my OSO is doing.
 

GalaGirl

Active member
That's the thing. I know that most weekends they will be doing things together. Hopefully with this farmer's market I can focus on my stuff & not on seeing what my OSO is doing.
It's sounds like you are prepared to deal with JR having his Angela dates on that side of the separate V.

What pinged you was witnessing the "friends and family" thing. Like even though JR does D&D with your family, since the break up, the previous poly friends backed off. You may not have had time yet to make new poly friends. So seeing that park outing on FB triggered some stuff for you.
Which then bumped into "the wishing you had KTP, but you actually have a separate V" thing. Like a domino effect of things that bum you out.

Was it on Angela's FB? Or JR's? If on Angela's, you could unfriend Angela on FB. Maintain more "separate V-ness." Presumably she doesn't have all her pix out there for the general public to view. Then you aren't seeing stuff that triggers you on her page even if in a moment of curiosity you go peek at it. Seeing her family/friend outing pix that you wish you were doing too. Or seeing former friend pix that ping you because they backed off after the stuff with Angela and remain friends with her but not you.

In the longer term? Hopefully you will start making new friends with your farmer's market venture, your D&D, and your other things. So you and JR can have park things with your friends as well.

It takes time to build community around you.

Galagirl
 

Valynn

Member
It's sounds like you are prepared to deal with JR having his Angela dates on that side of the separate V.
I try, but putting actions to my sentiment is hard.

What pinged you was witnessing the "friends and family" thing. Like even though JR does D&D with your family, since the break up, the previous poly friends backed off. You may not have had time yet to make new poly friends. So seeing that park outing on FB triggered some stuff for you.
Which then bumped into "the wishing you had KTP, but you actually have a separate V" thing. Like a domino effect of things that bum you out.
Yes, all of this. But they aren't poly friends. All of them are mono. Angela & JR are still not out as poly. Craig, Angela's best friend, is a strange person. He he asked me during a group dinner, with his wife across the table, "as the only divorced person here, how hard is it to get a divorce?" I almost spit my beer. Thank goodness he said it quietly that only I heard him.
Was it on Angela's FB? Or JR's? If on Angela's, you could unfriend Angela on FB. Maintain more "separate V-ness." Presumably she doesn't have all her pix out there for the general public to view. Then you aren't seeing stuff that triggers you on her page even if in a moment of curiosity you go peek at it. Seeing her family/friend outing pix that you wish you were doing too. Or seeing former friend pix that ping you because they backed off after the stuff with Angela and remain friends with her but not you.

In the longer term? Hopefully you will start making new friends with your farmer's market venture, your D&D, and your other things. So you and JR can have park things with your friends as well.

It takes time to build community around you.

Galagirl
Angela unfriended me on FB right after the break up last year, and JR doesn't have a FB. This FB is Craig's, whom never unfriended me when everything went down. So occasionally I will see things, like the outing, just this time it hit me hard.
 

Evie

Active member
"But they aren't poly friends. All of them are mono. Angela & JR are still not out as poly."

(I haven't figured out quotes on mobile on new forum yet, sorry.)

Is this the crux of it? That you're still a secret? I understand that becoming harder and harder over time and even with the highly parallel poly, that the vast majority of their friends don't have any idea...ouch.
 

GalaGirl

Active member
Thanks for more info.

focus on my stuff & not on seeing what my OSO is doing.
If this is the boundary you set for yourself? You could obey it.

If you find Angela's friend Craig weird? And it's on his FB that you see the Angela things? It's ok to reduce your FB connections so you can have less stress since you aren't actually real friends with him.

Whether poly or mono friends, it sounds like you could build your own circle of friends and stop peeking at the FB pages of Angela's friends who you aren't really friends with. Like finish separating all the things if this is a separate V.

I seem to recall it was very stressy at home too. Did your home situation get any better? If you have a lot of stressors and can't get rid of them all, reducing the ones you can reduce might help a little.

Galagirl
 

Valynn

Member
Thanks for more info.
If this is the boundary you set for yourself? You could obey it.

If you find Angela's friend Craig weird? And it's on his FB that you see the Angela things? It's ok to reduce your FB connections so you can have less stress since you aren't actually real friends with him.
Making it a boundary? That is a work in progress. All of the other co-friends dropped me as soon as Angela did. Craig didn't cause I think I am one of the few divorced friends he has. But he hasn't asked my about divorce since that one question last year. He could have forgotten that he friended me on FB also.

Whether poly or mono friends, it sounds like you could build your own circle of friends and stop peeking at the FB pages of Angela's friends who you aren't really friends with. Like finish separating all the things if this is a separate V.

I seem to recall it was very stressy at home too. Did your home situation get any better? If you have a lot of stressors and can't get rid of them all, reducing the ones you can reduce might help a little.

Galagirl
I have a good circle of poly positive medievalist friends, but due to Covid I cannot see as much as I have in the past. Our biggest yearly event was cancelled along with all my minor work events. Angela had a bad experience with some unfortunates in a local medievalist group in the past and now paints ALL medievalists with the same brush, now I am included.

Home life stressors are still high. In mid May, Elaine's husband moved into the already too full house. Their house out on The Island is going to a short sale to appease the mortgage. Mom has given them till the end of the month to find their own place. Elaine is also trying to spread a rumor that "since Valynn has a 'rich boyfriend' (aka sugar daddy) that she is going to buy mom's house then kick everyone out." Cause I am actively helping JR find his own place. SMDH

"But they aren't poly friends. All of them are mono. Angela & JR are still not out as poly."

(I haven't figured out quotes on mobile on new forum yet, sorry.)

Is this the crux of it? That you're still a secret? I understand that becoming harder and harder over time and even with the highly parallel poly, that the vast majority of their friends don't have any idea...ouch.
Feeling like I never existed is more apt. I know that they will deal with their relationships as they see fit. But being scrubbed out of their public life hurts. I never asked to be included with their friends. Just another aspect I will deal with.

I talked to JR and he said he will try to text me a heads up about outings like this in the future so I know to expect something to pop up on FB.
 

Valynn

Member
Well, now that I have calmed down. I have come to realize that last weekend was sot of a perfect storm of miscommunications on both of our parts. It was Elaine's birthday weekend and she wanted only close family to celebrate it. So, rather than make a big to-do, I agreed. I was already feeling down that I couldn't see JR. Then on top of that was the pics of multiple FB outings. The second time a batch of pics popped up on my wall I was prepared for it. JR & I had lunch and did some good deep talking, so we now have a plan to work around things like that again.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Sounds like you have a plan of how to handle things with JR; that is good to hear.
 
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