Part time poly

P

PensivePause

New member
Here's a question that I have heard a few times, would love to hear some different opinions.

Can a you have practiced polyamory in the past and then be married and lead a happy monogamous marriage?

If you can, do you stop being poly?
 
PensivePause said:
Here's a question that I have heard a few times, would love to hear some different opinions.

Can a you have practiced polyamory in the past and then be married and lead a happy monogamous marriage?

If you can, do you stop being poly?
Click to expand...

Since people enter into polyamory for very different reasons, and experience it it different ways, I don't see why this wouldn't be possible.

I don't personally see that any kind of traditional monogamy would suit me; I don't see how it could. My reasons for polyamory are rooted in my strong sense of independence and equal treatment, and monogamy is not the straightest path to attaining this. So, I can't imagine what monogamous situation would pop up that would fit within my view of how I want to be treated and how I want to treat people.
 
Hi PensivePause,

Whether someone can start out poly and then transition into a happy monogamous marriage has to do perhaps with how much they are inclined to be poly, and how much they are inclined to be mono. Some people can be happy with either relationship model, depending perhaps on compatibility with their partners. But I don't know if you stop being poly, that's not quite the right way to put it. I think you are referring to poly as an inclination, which is why I say you don't stop being poly, you don't stop being inclined (somewhat) towards poly. Although many people see poly as the mechanics in that part of one's life.

Hope that doesn't confuse the issue.
Regards,
Kevin T.
 
How long of a happy monogamous marriage are we talking about? I could definitely be happy for five years in a mono marriage again - maybe even ten. But going 20, 30 years with one and only one partner......probably not. Most mono people can't even do that. The milestone of a 50 year mono marriage with not one other partner is something very few people get to - and those who do, at what cost do they get there? So when you ask if "once you go poly, can you ever go back" for me the answer is absolutely YES. But for how long?
 
Hi PP,

Welcome to the forums. I'm relatively new myself. I've got a few stories from the internet of people who have done poly and then made a statement that they prefer monogamy. Whether they stick to it for 50 more years, I don't know.

http://www.alternet.org/sex-amp-relationships/how-i-got-burned-my-polyamorous-relationship

http://web.archive.org/web/20160625204254/http://www.huffingtonpost.com/ian-mackenzie/love-will-be-the-death-of-us_b_10658650.html


http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=82372

Polyfriendly for most of it. Monogamous leanings discussed here.

http://sexloveliberation.com/going-back-to-monogamy/

Hope it helps,
Shaya
 
(This will sound twisted, try to keep up) I was poly before I knew what it was. Then met husband 18 years ago. I was confusedly married/monogamous for 14 1/2 years, trying to hide myself. Now I am happily married for 6 months, no longer confused. (If you haven't caught on, we've been married almost 15 years)

Could I go back to strict monogamy? No. If he demanded it, there would be problems. (Husband is monogamous, boyfriend is poly but in his own long term with a mono) I will always be poly. It is my nature. Everything about me has always been.
 
We have had discussions before, that sometimes grew a little heated, about whether polyamory is more of a thing you ARE (like an identity thing) or a thing you DO (a lifestyle thing.) Some people get upset at it being considered a lifestyle, because for them, it's an identity.

For me, the ultimate freedom is in being able to define myself in whatever ways make the most sense to me as I evolve through life. Poly is a little of both for me...something I am easy with and capable of, yet not so MUCH of an identity thing that I NEED it. For me, it was probably more of a lifestyle. When it became too stressful to try and find enough time and energy for everyone I had in my life, I reevaluated and decided I'd be happier doing something that is closer to monogamy. Yet still, it is not totally like other monogamy that I have done, and seen. My former poly partners are like family to me and I won't be changing that. My mono partner does not control me in my love for other people, he understands that it's how I'm wired and he can trust me. He asked for a certain degree of sexual fidelity, and that is not a problem for me to give. But he knows that asking me not to hug, kiss, or flirt, with people just would not fly. He knows that I have "feelings" for others, and that it doesn't diminish my feelings for him in the slightest. I just don't have sex with them anymore, and I make him the highest priority for my time and my plans.

We are not married, but I would be happy to marry him one day if he wants to. And I've told him this. We are ecstatically happy with one another, almost insufferably so, and we have been for about a year and a half now, with no end in sight as far as I'm concerned. We are that couple always touching, always looking into each other's eyes, always all over each other. And I don't feel like I am missing anything in my love life. He fulfills my needs very well. I "went mono" with him in July of last year.

Will I be happy forever with one sexual partner? I don't know. I'm happy right now.

I think that expecting a partner to treat you in ways that are honest, loving, and respectful, is reasonable. Expecting them to never change or need anything you don't provide, maybe not. And expecting a partner to understand if you are not happy about their choices or needs, or have difficult feelings about them, is reasonable. Asking for compromise is reasonable. Even saying, "I don't think that I can continue in a relationship if you need it to change shape in this way" is reasonable. Going berserk and shouting and throwing things because someone has upset you with a truth you don't like, not so reasonable. Controlling behaviors, not so reasonable.

There were many things I found toxic about my not-happy, long faithful mono marriage, when I was in it, and that I've observed in "normal" monogamous relationships my entire life. Poly or not, my philosophy on relating has forever changed. If anything...poly has made it MORE LIKELY that any relationship I undertake from now on, will have better odds of happiness, and longevity if that is the desired outcome, because I have learned many things about myself and relationships.
 
It comes down to is it an identity or lifestyle.

For me I'm not even sure. I was happy being mono. I honestly can say I could have done it forever and been happy.

But now I don't think I could go back. I'm happier. As if something was missing and I didn't know enough to miss it.
 
Dunno about "identity v. lifestyle." Probably more complicated, & perhaps not at all XOR.

There's worldview. Once a person has experienced nonmonogamy, & (even with its pitfalls) found it exhilarating & rewarding, I figure it's pretty much impossible to "un-ring that bell": even if he settles happily back into a one-to-one relationship, he's never going to be able to return to blissful ignorance of the farcical aspects of the Monogamism all around.

(Remember, Monogamism is the wild-eyed hellfire-&-brimstone subset of monogamy, & constantly paints itself as The Only True Way. This undermines general monogamy.)

IMNSHO, to "be poly" there's also some degree of experience necessary. I mean, sure, reading up on polyamory & finding that every goshdarn WORD resonates with you is a powerful experience... but at that point it's only Romanticism. Like, reading an incredible novel doesn't mean that you now LIVE IN the world as described, or even that you are now empowered to recreate that world in your own life. Instead, you actually have to attempt to realize it, to learn how to make it work for yourself & the people around you.

So, back to the root post. Yes, PensivePause -- people are free to "be poly" yet be happily monogamous.
 
Depends on how we are defining monogamy - practice or commitment. I've never been in more than one relationship at a time, mostly because I don't do casual relationships, and no one seemed worth the hassle of tuning into another person and balancing the whole thing while I was already with someone. So I have never practiced polyamory. I've been fine. I have fairly serious views about committed relationships that expect "fidelity" in many ways. There is no problem with honest poly, but cheating etc won't work. Also "unfaithfulness" due to a non-relationship won't work - for example neglecting relationship for work, friends, etc.

But in terms of belief, I am poly. I will never promise to not love another if I already love somone. Not even if I die monogamous or even single. I just don't believe in it anymore. If someone promised me monogamy as their belief, I'd be skeptical.

But I am fine with Spexy choosing to be monogamous. As in, he isn't saying he can't love someone else or believes that monogamy is "right", but he will choose not to pursue it because he believes he doesn't have the relationship management skills. A choice, I can understand. I have not made any such choice. If I feel a desire for another relationship, I will choose it. So far I don't.
 
PensivePause said:
Here's a question that I have heard a few times, would love to hear some different opinions.

Can a you have practiced polyamory in the past and then be married and lead a happy monogamous marriage?

If you can, do you stop being poly?
Click to expand...

Now there's a question that rings a bell for me because I guess I am about to find out soon. Wish I had a crystal ball so I could answer it right.

Since the term poly as an umbrella encompasses a bunch of different relationships dynamics its not something really answerable. Just like some will be happy mono their entire lives and other will wind up on this forum. Very few here knew that all their lives or even for a long time. And a few years is not a long time as part of a lifetime. And we humans evolve and go through phases in a lot of things, and fidelity can be also one of those things.

It would probably be much harder for someone in a functioning multi partner family blended relationship than someone like me who would not call myself poly in its truest sense. I do not LOVE anyone in any sense of the word like my husband, I never wanted to, and I believe I can be happy with a change in my relationship to mono. I functioned perfectly well for a long time without fucking other men. So maybe I do not qualify for answering but that's my opinion.

Time will tell. My husband will listen and I am optimistic we can make it work. But to say its not possible is crazy and implies that anyone who rejects non monogamy for any reason is destined to be in misery is pretty pig headed to me.
 
PensivePause said:
Here's a question that I have heard a few times, would love to hear some different opinions.

Can a you have practiced polyamory in the past and then be married and lead a happy monogamous marriage?

If you can, do you stop being poly?
Click to expand...

I think the answer will be different for different people. Each one has to answer that for themselves. I'm going to play a little loose with words here, so forgive me.

Me? Sure. Did Open/non-exclusive, then Closed (and still Closed) for a long time as I navigate parenting/eldercare. The current agreement is to get through this phase of life. Then discuss Open possibilities later.

Have I stopped feeling/being polyamorous in the meanwhile? No. I haven't.

Have I stopped practicing polygamy in the meanwhile? Well, yeah. I don't have the time nor energy to do more than one serious romantic relationship right now. Kids and elders suck up the rest of the time. Just yesterday I was telling myself "You need to get out with some friends. You haven't seen them in a while and this cannot be ALL about kids and old people."

To me "polyamory" mean the desire or capability to love more than one person at a time. "Monoamory" would be the desire or capability to love one person at a time. I don't think I have ever been monoamorous.

"Polygamy" is the practice/preference of having more than one partner or being married to more than one partner at a time. "Monogamy" to me is the practice/preference of having one partner at a time or being married to one partner at a time.

You can get to other words like "polyandry" or "polygyny" or "V" or "quads" and so on to describe what kind of polygamous structure it is... but at its most basic level to me its

  • I can love 1 partner at a time (capability)
  • I can love more than 1 partner at a time (capability)
  • I am with one partner at a time (practice)
  • I am with more than one partner at a time (practice)

So then the person has to figure out which "toggles" are on and which are off for their own selves, and stick to the structures that most nourish them. In other words, they need to know themselves and their personal preferences / limitations well, and stick within that.

  • Can a monoamorous and monogamous person participate in a polygamous thing well? I don't think so. If they have a strong preference for monogamy, I'm not sure how well they would do within a polygamous structure. They'd be going against their own grain in a big way. It might be Open enough for one, but NOT Closed enough for the other.

  • Can a monoamorous but polygamy-friendly person participate in a polygamous thing well? I think so. As the end point in a V or similar? They have their one Sweetie and they don't have a strong preference for monogamous structures. I think they might do ok in a polygamous structure. Closed enough for one, Open enough for the other.

  • Can a polyamorous and polygamous person participate in a monogamous thing well? I don't think so. If they have a strong preference for polygamy, I'm not sure how well they would do within a monogamous structure. They'd be going against their own grain in a big way. That might be Closed enough for one, but NOT Open enough for the other.

  • Can a polyamorous but monogamy-friendly person participate in a monogamous/Closed thing well? I think so. So long as their partner was willing to talk about their poly thoughts and feelings so they aren't going around bottled up? That might be a place where both could thrive. Closed enough for one, Open enough for the other.

Galagirl
 
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