Hi there,
So I posted a thread a while back looking for advice on my failing poly relationship.
I am still with dh (we are not legally married but have been together for 16 years and have 2 children, a 4 yo and a new born) and his metamour is still living with us. She is from Germany and her visa expires in a few months so dh is planning to marry her so she can stay in the country. We are not religious people so marriage is not so important to us but whenever I think about them getting married I do not feel good about it.
Dh and I are still trying to work out our relationship and the poly relationship is still not at a good point. I understand the practical reasons for them marrying but I feel like it is yet another thing I am being forced to agree to when I dont feel good about it.
Last night we sat down and talked about the issues around the visa and them getting married. There are other visa options that metamour could look into but marriage is the easiest in dh's opinion and most permanent. When he first dropped the marriage bomb on me he said that he didn't think I would have a problem with it if the relationship was going well as we would want to do whatever it took to keep metamour in the country. I agree with him in theory, the problem is that the relationship is not great but he still wants me to be ok with this.
I am already worried that this poly relationship will never be what we had planned (equal closed triad) and that if that's the case dh and I will have to break up as he has made it clear that he only wants me to be poly with his gf, no one else. And sadly if I have to share him with another woman who is not also my partner I don't know that I will get enough out of the relationship to be happy and there is no option for me to "supplement" the love lost, from sharing, with a partner of my own.
I am really trying to make this work and get things to a good point where metamour and I can try to build a more intimate relationship but it feels like everytime things look like they could be stabilizing something new pops up to derail any progress.
I just don't know if my feelings about marriage are simply an emotional reaction which is coming from some bullshit insecurity or if I'm being totally reasonable abount not being comfortable with it.
Also, metamour told me today that she does not like the fact that I refer to dh as my husband as it makes her feel like their relationship is inferior to his and mine. I kind of get what she means but I don't think that it is a problem, just an insecurity on her part. If everything worked out with us I would eventually refer to her as my wife too but she sees these labels as a mono term, where I dont. I also think she thinks I use the term husband as a way to establish superiority over her which is not the case, it's just the easiest way to describe his and my relationship. Do you think it is a problem for me to refer to dh as my husband? And do you think it is fair that matamour expects me to stop calling him this because she is his gf and has been for a year? I wouldn't have a problem with her referring to him as her husband if they had been together for several years, had kids etc. I actually think I feel resentful that now that she is in the relationship I have to 'downplay' my relationship with dh.
Some advice from more experienced and emotionally un invested people would be appreciated.
Thanks
So I posted a thread a while back looking for advice on my failing poly relationship.
I am still with dh (we are not legally married but have been together for 16 years and have 2 children, a 4 yo and a new born) and his metamour is still living with us. She is from Germany and her visa expires in a few months so dh is planning to marry her so she can stay in the country. We are not religious people so marriage is not so important to us but whenever I think about them getting married I do not feel good about it.
Dh and I are still trying to work out our relationship and the poly relationship is still not at a good point. I understand the practical reasons for them marrying but I feel like it is yet another thing I am being forced to agree to when I dont feel good about it.
Last night we sat down and talked about the issues around the visa and them getting married. There are other visa options that metamour could look into but marriage is the easiest in dh's opinion and most permanent. When he first dropped the marriage bomb on me he said that he didn't think I would have a problem with it if the relationship was going well as we would want to do whatever it took to keep metamour in the country. I agree with him in theory, the problem is that the relationship is not great but he still wants me to be ok with this.
I am already worried that this poly relationship will never be what we had planned (equal closed triad) and that if that's the case dh and I will have to break up as he has made it clear that he only wants me to be poly with his gf, no one else. And sadly if I have to share him with another woman who is not also my partner I don't know that I will get enough out of the relationship to be happy and there is no option for me to "supplement" the love lost, from sharing, with a partner of my own.
I am really trying to make this work and get things to a good point where metamour and I can try to build a more intimate relationship but it feels like everytime things look like they could be stabilizing something new pops up to derail any progress.
I just don't know if my feelings about marriage are simply an emotional reaction which is coming from some bullshit insecurity or if I'm being totally reasonable abount not being comfortable with it.
Also, metamour told me today that she does not like the fact that I refer to dh as my husband as it makes her feel like their relationship is inferior to his and mine. I kind of get what she means but I don't think that it is a problem, just an insecurity on her part. If everything worked out with us I would eventually refer to her as my wife too but she sees these labels as a mono term, where I dont. I also think she thinks I use the term husband as a way to establish superiority over her which is not the case, it's just the easiest way to describe his and my relationship. Do you think it is a problem for me to refer to dh as my husband? And do you think it is fair that matamour expects me to stop calling him this because she is his gf and has been for a year? I wouldn't have a problem with her referring to him as her husband if they had been together for several years, had kids etc. I actually think I feel resentful that now that she is in the relationship I have to 'downplay' my relationship with dh.
Some advice from more experienced and emotionally un invested people would be appreciated.
Thanks