Partner Got Intimate with Someone Who Violated Me.

[Talitha]

My partner and I have been in a relationship for about a year. At some point, he introduced me to a friend/lover of his, and we soon began engage in intimacy all together. Said friend, let’s call her Chloe, and I began seeing each other without my partner. There was an occasion where she sexually violated my boundaries after an evening of heavy drinking. I confided in my partner that I felt violated by Chloe and no longer safe or comfortable being around her.

We decided to take some distance from her, after she refused to reconcile and take accountability for what happened during that evening. Fast forward to a few months later, I found out that my partner and Chloe were intimate while I was out of town for a vacation.

I feel extremely let down and betrayed, especially because my partner knew how impacted I was by the incident. He told me that they were drunk and it was purely physical.

I wonder how much my feelings of “betrayal” are valid, considering I was the one who had an experience with Chloe, not my partner. But at the same time, I feel hurt that my partner would intimately engage with someone that violated me. I don’t know how to process this, and I would really appreciate any insight. Thank you in advance.

 

[GalaGirl]

He told me that they were drunk and it was purely physical.

So... why's he going to get drunk with your assailant, much less share sex with Chloe? He didn't dump her as his friend once he heard she violated you?

I don’t know how to process this, and I would really appreciate any insight.

You could end it with both of them. Get away from these unsafe people first, and then process this away from both of them, with a counselor, if you can avail yourself.

You are right to feel betrayed. It's like you were physically violated by Chloe and then later violated emotionally/mentally by this partner.

A lot of this features drinking. You might consider going sober/hanging out with sober people only.

I'm very sorry this happened, though.

Galagirl

 

[XTremeMeow]

My partner introduced me to a friend/ lover of his, and we soon began engage in intimacy all together. Chloe and I began seeing each other without my partner,. There was an occasion where she sexually violated my boundaries after an evening of heavy drinking. I confided in my partner that I felt violated by Chloe and no longer safe or comfortable being around her.

We decided to take some distance from her, after she refused to reconcile and take accountability for what happened during that evening. Fast forward to a few months later, I found out that my partner and Chloe were intimate while I was out of town for a vacation. I feel extremely let down and betrayed, especially because my partner knew how impacted I was by the incident. He told me that they were drunk and it was purely physical.

I wonder how much of my feelings of “betrayal” are valid, considering I was the one who had an experience with Chloe, not my partner. But at the same time, I feel hurt that my partner would intimately engage with some that violated me. I don’t know how to process this.

Thank you for sharing something so personal and difficult. I want you to know that your feelings are completely valid. What happened with Chloe and your partner is not just about physical intimacy, it’s about trust, safety, and respect in your relationship.

Even though your partner wasn’t the one directly harmed by Chloe, his choice to be intimate with her after you expressed how violated and unsafe you felt is a breach of the boundaries and emotional safety you shared with him. Feeling betrayed, hurt, or let down in this situation is a natural and understandable response. Your emotions are about how your needs and trauma were treated, not about ownership over someone else.

 

[Jimmmm]

I agree completely with what GalaGirl and XTremeMeow wrote. Run from both of these people, for your own physical and emotional safety! Please don't let yourself be gaslighted: What you experienced was indeed sexual violation by Chloe and betrayal by your partner.

I hope that you will soon be able to regain your own equilibrium.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Talitha,

What your partner has done is not okay; tell him that it is unacceptable to hook up with someone who abused you. It is messy, to say the least. Tell him if he does it again, you will break up with him -- assuming it's not already time to break up with him. I'm very sorry this happened to you.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Tinwen]

Your feelings are valid. Sex brings people closer and you don't want her as a metamour. So this development is understandably threatening.

I'd insist she is a no-go. He's your partner, and hopefully a good one otherwise. So set aside that pride that says "He should have known!" and tell him what you want going forward. Treat it as a last warning. You don't need to punish him, you need him to steer clear of her in the future.

 

[Talitha]

Why's he going to get drunk with your assailant, much less share sex with Chloe? He didn't dump her as his friend once he heard she violated you?

You could end it with both of them. Get away from these unsafe people first, and then process this away from both of them, with a counselor, if you can avail yourself.

You are right to feel betrayed. It's like you were physically violated by Chloe and then later violated emotionally/mentally by this partner.

A lot of this features drinking. You might consider going sober/hanging out with sober people only.

I'm very sorry this happened, though.

Thank you for this response. You raise questions I am asking myself, particularly, why he would even consider being friends with her, nevermind getting intimate? It’s very troubling to confront, but I’ve taken some days to process everything, and these responses have all helped me a lot. Thank you again.

 

[GalaGirl]

Most welcome. I'm glad the responses from readers helped you some.

I imagine this whole thing is super hard.

GG

 

[Magdlyn]

Thank you for this response. You raise questions I am asking myself, particularly, why he would even consider being friends with her, nevermind getting intimate? It’s very troubling to confront, but I’ve taken some days to process everything, and these responses have all helped me a lot. Thank you again.

Over 10 years ago, I had a 2 1/2 year relationship with a guy who turned out to be a narcissist. He was very charming and lovely and cool, until his true personality came out. My nesting partner and he struck up a nice friendship in the beginning, as we were doing kitchen table poly back then. After I broke up with him, she wanted to possibly remain friends or at least stay in touch, as he hadn't done anything rotten to her. His emotional abuse was all directed at me.

I wasn't happy with this, but I let it play out. She ended up asking him for a ride once when she was in a pinch. Otherwise, she didn't end up staying in touch and it all just faded away.

 

[FeralGeek]

Everybody's right, both of them are not worth salvaging. He was drunk and it didn't mean anything? Apparently this is how much your feelings mean to this guy.

He chose to spend time with her. He chose to drink around her. He chose to keep drinking around her, past the point of being in control, in a situation that was conducive enough for sex that it happened, what, "accidentally?"

These are not the actions of someone who properly understands what it means to feel violated. These are the actions of someone who wanted to get laid and knew how to make it happen and still have an excuse afterwards.