Partner & Meta codependent on each other

highpriestess01

New member
I’m new to polyamory & have been in a triad for 4 months now - my partner & his partner have been together for ~3 years and we all live together. i know it’s a period of adjustment & ive been understanding that my metamour has been needing more attention but that doesn’t leave much for me and it’s getting really frustrating what feels like im having to beg for scraps of attention and my partner is readily giving it to someone else. my partner has acknowledged the codependency (his partner literally does nothing without him - she relies on him for transportation, doesn’t have other partners, etc) & the lack of attention towards me but nothing is changing. i have trauma and issues from a previous relationship that ive been trying to work on but this whole thing is starting to make me fall into toxic behaviors that ive been working hard to not fall privy too. am i not being understanding and patient enough or should i keep trying to communicate? i understand that everyone involved is adjusting but so am i and it’s not fair that im not being acknowledged
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hello highpriestess01,

I get the impression that you are not getting as much of your partner's time and attention as you need. That is a statement that doesn't require mention of how much time and attention your metamour is getting. The two statements are totally separate as far as you need be concerned; it is your partner's job to figure out how to balance his two partners' needs in a way that is fair and adequate. He is not meeting your needs, whatever his excuse for that failure. He needs to figure out how to fix that, it is not your job to tell him how to fix it. Your job is to just keep him informed: "Hey, I am still not getting as much of your time and attention as I need. Could you please rectify that?" and if rectifying that necessarily means him reducing the amount of time and attention he allocates to your metamour, well then, so be it. And that is for him to figure out.

Now the question is, "What if he says no? or what if he says yes, but then doesn't follow through in reality?" and that seems to be the situation at hand. He is acknowledging the problem, but is doing nothing to solve it, when he is the one on whom the onus of solving it lies. You don't have a magic wand you can wave to make more of his time and attention come your way. The power to do that lies exclusively in his hands. You are asking, and he is essentially saying no.

So what does lie within your power to choose? besides asking him for more time and attention, which you have already done, there is the obvious answer of breaking up with him. You could do that. It would free you up to seek a partner who would be more generous towards you in the time and attention areas. Of course I assume that that so-called "solution" would not even be up for consideration. You love this man. You are not going to break up with him no matter what.

What else lies within your power to choose? well, you could look for an additional partner, while continuing to live with your current partner. The advantage to this would be that you could get additional time and attention from *someone.* You would not have to rely on your live-in partner for that, which is good because he is not willing to fill that need for you. The problem is, that you don't need time and attention from just anyone. You need it *from your current partner.* What you really need is a way to change his mind. A way to get him to decide to allocate less time and attention to your metamour, because you can't decide that for him. So that's the real question here, is how to get him to change his mind. Alas! I don't know how to do that.

Could you suggest an alternative way to meet your needs? What if he were to reduce his daily amount of "me time?" Can he reduce his work schedule? Can he reduce his sleep schedule? These are not ideal solutions, but they may be better than nothing. The point is, he needs to figure out a way to rectify things with you, never mind how or whether that affects your metamour. And if you need to convince him, maybe suggesting alternative solutions to him is a way you could do that.

If I can think of other ideas, I'll let you know.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

highpriestess01

New member
Hello highpriestess01,

I get the impression that you are not getting as much of your partner's time and attention as you need. That is a statement that doesn't require mention of how much time and attention your metamour is getting. The two statements are totally separate as far as you need be concerned; it is your partner's job to figure out how to balance his two partners' needs in a way that is fair and adequate. He is not meeting your needs, whatever his excuse for that failure. He needs to figure out how to fix that, it is not your job to tell him how to fix it. Your job is to just keep him informed: "Hey, I am still not getting as much of your time and attention as I need. Could you please rectify that?" and if rectifying that necessarily means him reducing the amount of time and attention he allocates to your metamour, well then, so be it. And that is for him to figure out.

Now the question is, "What if he says no? or what if he says yes, but then doesn't follow through in reality?" and that seems to be the situation at hand. He is acknowledging the problem, but is doing nothing to solve it, when he is the one on whom the onus of solving it lies. You don't have a magic wand you can wave to make more of his time and attention come your way. The power to do that lies exclusively in his hands. You are asking, and he is essentially saying no.

So what does lie within your power to choose? besides asking him for more time and attention, which you have already done, there is the obvious answer of breaking up with him. You could do that. It would free you up to seek a partner who would be more generous towards you in the time and attention areas. Of course I assume that that so-called "solution" would not even be up for consideration. You love this man. You are not going to break up with him no matter what.

What else lies within your power to choose? well, you could look for an additional partner, while continuing to live with your current partner. The advantage to this would be that you could get additional time and attention from *someone.* You would not have to rely on your live-in partner for that, which is good because he is not willing to fill that need for you. The problem is, that you don't need time and attention from just anyone. You need it *from your current partner.* What you really need is a way to change his mind. A way to get him to decide to allocate less time and attention to your metamour, because you can't decide that for him. So that's the real question here, is how to get him to change his mind. Alas! I don't know how to do that.

Could you suggest an alternative way to meet your needs? What if he were to reduce his daily amount of "me time?" Can he reduce his work schedule? Can he reduce his sleep schedule? These are not ideal solutions, but they may be better than nothing. The point is, he needs to figure out a way to rectify things with you, never mind how or whether that affects your metamour. And if you need to convince him, maybe suggesting alternative solutions to him is a way you could do that.

If I can think of other ideas, I'll let you know.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
I’m not against seeing other people, I just want to feel safe where I am first before starting to branch out, my last relationship was abusive (everyone involved knows) and sometimes i don’t know if i’m being rational or if it’s just my traumatized self overthinking things. we do “see” each other daily but there isn’t a lot of time where it’s just us with no distractions - and having to ask all the time just gets exhausting
 

Marcus

Well-known member
am i not being understanding and patient enough or should i keep trying to communicate?

Are there conversations that you have not yet had with your partner? Communication is good, and all healthy relationships have a hefty dose of it, but once a topic has been covered... what's left after that?

You've told him you aren't happy with the one on one time you are getting, he has acknowledged that you aren't getting a fair amount of it, and he has told you that he doesn't have a way to fix it. There isn't a lot of wiggle room left in that.

It doesn't sound like you guys aren't communicating, because the information has been exchanged, it sounds like you just might not be happy with the answer. That's a different challenge from "keep trying to communicate".

i understand that everyone involved is adjusting but so am i and it’s not fair that im not being acknowledged

Maybe a triad isn't for you? Or maybe a triad isn't for these two other people? A triad might not be a good idea for any of you, who knows.

I'm not trying to discourage you, I'm just noting that there are many relationships to be had out there, and many different configurations. Most of those relationships aren't going to be compatible with our temperament and values, so we move on from those and keep looking for associations that better line up with what we want out of a relationship.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
NRE wears off in 6-24 months.

I mean this kindly, ok? I think you may have moved in too soon, but you are NOT overreacting. You are coping with the fact that maybe being here isn't so hot. :(

And maybe the NRE is wearing off early for you.

it’s getting really frustrating what feels like im having to beg for scraps of attention

Then stop begging.

i understand that everyone involved is adjusting but so am i and it’s not fair that im not being acknowledged

You could acknowledge that you aren't getting what you need here.

this whole thing is starting to make me fall into toxic behaviors that ive been working hard to not fall privy too.

Could get out of this home so you don't fall into these behaviors. Could change your situation/dynamic.

my partner has acknowledged the codependency <snip> & the lack of attention towards me but nothing is changing.

Could accept that at this time? He's not going to do anything different.

YOU could start taking steps to solve it on your own. YOU could do something different and make plans to move out.

I’m not against seeing other people, I just want to feel safe where I am first before starting to branch out,

If you need to feel safe where you are first? And this home is not a safe feeling home? I would consider moving back out and having your own place. So YOUR space in your new home can be calm.

Then you don't have to witness all these codependent things around you.

And you can start to date others when ready from a more grounded, calm place.

we do “see” each other daily but there isn’t a lot of time where it’s just us with no distractions - and having to ask all the time just gets exhausting

Well, another reason then not to live there. When he comes to spend time with you at your new place it can BE just you two.

And if you take steps to change the dynamic to take away or reduce some of the stressy things? And he still doesn't make any effort to engage with you? You know not to make any more effort to engage with him either.

Not everyone you date is going to be a long haul runner. If he's not up to your personal standards in what you seek in a partner? Could let it go. Maybe initial attraction, but not long term DEEP compatibility.

Galagirl
 
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kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Re (from highpriestess01):
"I'm not against seeing other people, I just want to feel safe where I am first before starting to branch out."

It sounds like you do not just want to get a certain amount of time and attention, you also want to be the primary partner in this relationship. (Am I reading that right?)

Re:
"We do 'see' each other daily but there isn't a lot of time where it's just us with no distractions -- and having to ask all the time just gets exhausting."

That must be frustrating.
 
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