Partner pulling away due to my reactions to new metamour

[polynewgirl08]

Hi, everyone. Long post warning! Thank you in advance.

Here are some code names previously used for ease:

Sally (me - female nesting partner/primary)
John (nesting partner/hinge)
Ted (John’s boyfriend)

I previously posted around struggles of my reactions and John’s subsequent reactions to Ted being newly involved in his life.

For context, John is bisexual and we have been together for 5+ years and exploring ENM/poly lifestyle for 2 years. We have a large age gap of 20+ years. I am the younger partner and in my late 20s.

John has been seeing Ted for about 1-2 months now, seriously, and I’ve been working on addressing my own inner jealousy/boundaries/needs to ensure I’m feeling comfortable personally in the relationship. John does a good job at checking in on me, but we don’t have set rules or boundaries right now around our poly lifestyle.

The last few times, Ted has come over to John and my house, and I’ve been given little notice, which triggers some insecurity I’m aware of. They typically hang out in one part of the house and I am in a different part of the house.

Recently, when Ted was over, and the night was getting late, I texted John stating that I was going to bed, I loved him and hope he had a good night. I asked if he’d let me know if Ted stayed over, and for my own personal boundaries, I’d leave early in the morning before they got up, if Ted stayed the night. I’m still getting comfortable with Ted being over and know from previous experience that I may feel sadness and jealousy if Ted is in our space in the morning. I also work from home sometimes and it throws me off routine. So in my mind, I wanted to express a boundary to John that makes me feel comfortable and safe, but still allows him the freedom to have Ted over, as it is a shared home.

John had Ted leave, as Ted wasn’t going to stay the night anyway. He told me he didn’t like my message that night. I believe it made him feel guilty, but I assured him that my leaving in the morning if Ted stays the night simply makes me feel better

Cut to the next day, John and I were talking casually about when his next date with Ted would be. We discussed where they were planning on doing it and he gave me the choice of where I’d like them to have it. John told me he’s allergic to something in Ted’s place and that it wouldn’t be out of his place until Ted moved later this year. I understand and don’t want him to have a bad night, so I agreed they could come back to our house, but I’d make plans to have a solo date night so I can give them privacy and keep myself preoccupied.

I tried to explain to John that when he has Ted over, I’m working on getting more comfortable with them being intimate and hanging out in one part of our home while I’m in another part. It’s hard to describe, but to me it’s an additional mental load when they are here, which is okay, but something I keep in mind, respect, and handle individually. I’m wary of going by the windows and try to give them space when they are in shared areas, as I’m typically in the living room. I also asked John to give me a bit more notice before Ted comes over so that I can either make solo plans or have expectations for the night.

This led to John getting upset, and saying I shouldn’t have to leave the house or feel uncomfortable in my own home. He said he wants me to be at home and comfortable when they are in our space. I told him I’m working in getting 100% comfortable and mentioned that I don’t need to be here every time they are and I’m okay with that. I’m happy to have solo time and right now I like having the night to do solo activities outside of the house when they are here, so I feel more comfortable. As a result, he feels guilty for making me feel this way. This led to John attempting to push me away as he thinks because he’s wired bisexually he’s harder to be in a relationship with and it would be easier for me to be with someone in a mono-style relationship.

To reiterate, John and I have a 20+ year age difference and have spoken before about whether I should be with someone my own age.

I reiterated to John that I don’t feel bad or upset with having to make adjustments with having Ted over in our shared home. These are my personal boundaries that make me feel comfortable and every relationship (mono, age gap, poly, similar age) has challenges and give/take. I affirmed him that I love him and am not going anywhere and am happy to make these adjustments.

In my perspective, I tried to communicate how I’m feeling when Ted comes over, which was not upset or uncomfortable, and asked for more notice before he comes over and expressed my boundaries of either leaving our house to have a solo night when they are here or hanging out in the house, and if Ted stays over I prefer leave no trace so he’s gone by the time I come home.

To him, I think it feels like I’m expressing frustrations and he’s feeling guilty for making me feel this way and pushing me away, saying I should be in a mono relationship where I don’t have to deal with any of this and that it’s easier for him to be alone.

I want to affirm him that I’m happy to make these adjustments and it’s my personal work and self that is handling this. I’m happy to do this because I love him and want him to be happy, but I also want to feel comfortable personally. I stated this to him last night, but he was too shut down and said he wished the night had gone differently.

I think it may have been bad timing, but I just wanted to check in and talk and we don’t have a set schedule for these things. He mentioned just severing both our relationship and his relationship with Ted to make things easy.

Any advice is appreciated. I want to show him I’m happy to be with him and working on making poly work in our life.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

I think youre both oversharing and have got caught up thinking that youre never allowed a negative emotion.

You could have asked if BF is staying the night. If yes, leave early. You dont have to tell him that is what you will do or why.

He needs to stop expecting you to feel perfectly positive all the time and get over his guilty complex. Or at least not share it with you.

Keep more of your personal work, personal.

 

[polynewgirl08]

I think youre both oversharing and have got caught up thinking that youre never allowed a negative emotion.

You could have asked if BF is staying the night. If yes, leave early. You dont have to tell him that is what you will do or why.

He needs to stop expecting you to feel perfectly positive all the time and get over his guilty complex. Or at least not share it with you.

Keep more of your personal work, personal.

Ah this makes a lot of sense. I will work to keep things more personal and recognize he doesn’t have to know what I do or why. I feel bad that what’s been said has already been put out there. Hopefully he can understand and we can move past this. Thank you for your advice

 

[Magdlyn]

I see it differently. The kind of discussion you had with John sounds very similar to how I might discuss issues with either of my partners.

The difference is, they wouldn't react as dramatically as John did, feeling great guilt, demanding you feel or act differently than you are, and pushing you away, and saying he'll break up with both Ted and you, rather than just give you more notice and respect the choices you are making around your behavior for your own comfort!

I think you handled things perfectly, at least from how you described it here.

I feel like John may have some internalized homophobia, which is causing his extreme reactions, guilty feelings, etc. You say he's older. I don't recall either of your ages, but I am 68 so I can imagine men of my generation feeling all kinds of negative ways about exploring their gay side.

I wonder what the allergen is at Ted's place... That's very inconvenient.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle. FWIW? I land in between the two previous posters.

I do think you could have stopped sooner.

Recently, when Ted was over, and the night was getting late, I texted John stating that I was going to bed, I loved him and hope he had a good night. I asked if he’d let me know if Ted stayed over, and for my own personal boundaries, I’d leave early in the morning before they got up, if Ted stayed the night.

I would have texted the bold. And just planned to be gone in the morning whether or not Ted spent the night. Take myself to the gym or to get some breakfast out or whatever.

I also asked John to give me a bit more notice before Ted comes over so that I can either make solo plans or have expectations for the night.

Fair. It's a shared home. But could just LIVE YOUR LIFE and stop telling him the second part.

You aren't obligated to hang out with John and Ted when they are having a date here. It's totally fine for you to go out or stay in and enjoy solo time on your own. You don't have to keep explaining this to John.

I cannot tell if you are tangled up in John emotions, if John is tangled up in yours or if both are tangled up in each other's. The emotional boundaries here sound odd. But you could try sharing LESS about your feelings. Just stuck to behavior requests and explain less and just live your life.

You are comfortable enough with Ted being over. You just want notice of in house dates here because it's a shared home. That's fair.

This led to John getting upset, and saying I shouldn’t have to leave the house or feel uncomfortable in my own home. He said he wants me to be at home and comfortable when they are in our space.

Again... you sound like you are comfortable enough for this stage of things. Why's John got so much guilt or worry or whatever it is? It's normal for you to still be getting used to those two sharing sex there on their dates.

Do you and John have separate bedrooms? The home sounds big enough for you to be in another area when they are having a date.

To him, I think it feels like I’m expressing frustrations and he’s feeling guilty for making me feel this way and pushing me away, saying I should be in a mono relationship where I don’t have to deal with any of this and that it’s easier for him to be alone.

Don't assume. Actually ASK.

Does John want to stop living together? Does John want to break up?

You seem willing to go through an adjustment period. You just want more notice that there's going to be a date here with Ted. And not just from the sky.

I think it may have been bad timing, but I just wanted to check in and talk and we don’t have a set schedule for these things. He mentioned just severing both our relationship and his relationship with Ted to make things easy.

I don't know what John is going through talking like that. Does he need to see a doctor for depression? Something else? Like Mags I wonder if he's got some homophobia stuff to work through? I also wonder if he wants to break up, but wants YOU to be the breaker upper?

What's he going on about with severing both relationships? To make it easier on WHO? John?

If it was me? I can let that kind of doom talk slide once or twice but if this is going to become the common refrain? That's a problem. He can actually break up with me decently instead of these "hinting" things and pushing me away. But if he doesn't go see a doctor if this is depression or whatever talking? I'm going to break up with him. Just to be free of listening to this refrain. I have my OWN mental health to think about.

He either does his OWN personal work so we can live together still.

Or I move out, and then I don't need notice. John and Ted can be at John's place whenever. I don't live there. I see John on my dates with him.

Or I break up with John to be done listening to this doom -- regardless of where I live. I can't be with unmanaged patients. I have to look out for my own mental health.

I encourage you to ASK if John needs a health check up, and if it is better if you two date but NOT live together.

And if you are going to live together? He has to get it better together and work with a counselor and stop doing doom talk at you. If he keeps behaving like that every time he gets emotional with pushing you away? It's may become self-fulfilling prophecy because you are going to get sick of hearing/experiencing it.

Galagirl

 

[polynewgirl08]

I see it differently. The kind of discussion you had with John sounds very similar to how I might discuss issues with either of my partners.

The difference is, they wouldn't react as dramatically as John did, feeling great guilt, demanding you feel or act differently than you are, and pushing you away, and saying he'll break up with both Ted and you, rather than just give you more notice and respect the choices you are making around your behavior for your own comfort!

I think you handled things perfectly, at least from how you described it here.

I feel like John may have some internalized homophobia, which is causing his extreme reactions, guilty feelings, etc. You say he's older. I don't recall either of your ages, but I am 68 so I can imagine men of my generation feeling all kinds of negative ways about exploring their gay side.

I wonder what the allergen is at Ted's place... That's very inconvenient.

Thank you, Magdlyn. I just responded to one of your answers in my previous thread and appreciate your insight. I think that what I was trying to get across to John, was my communicating how I feel when he and Ted are at the house and my boundaries (leaving the house early or making solo plans) weren't to guilt him or make him feel guilty about spending time with Ted. I just wanted to let him know what I needed and that I'm happy with these adjustments, and (you're exactly right) for him to respect my choices. I feel like he's taken it very personally, like he's done something wrong by being with Ted and me. John is very avoidantly attached.

Regarding the internalized homophobia, I think it's more that he's never felt that he deserves to have both men and women, and a relationship with a man and a woman, although that's what he desires. He is in his early 50s and is very comfortable with his bisexuality, but is new to having emotional relationships with men, and balancing that with his relationship with a woman (me).

The allergen is a medicinal drug/powder that Ted takes and apparently, it gets everywhere. I understand, but also let him know there has to be balance, so I hope they figure out a good balance of spending time at our home versus Ted's.

I'm trying to figure out how to approach him after he's been shut down and seems to have made up his mind about severing both relationships.

 

[polynewgirl08]

I'm sorry you struggle. FWIW? I land in between the two previous posters.

I do think you could have stopped sooner.



I would have texted the bold. And just planned to be gone in the morning whether or not Ted spent the night. Take myself to the gym or to get some breakfast out or whatever.



Fair. It's a shared home. But could just LIVE YOUR LIFE and stop telling him the second part.

You aren't obligated to hang out with John and Ted when they are having a date here. It's totally fine for you to go out or stay in and enjoy solo time on your own. You don't have to keep explaining this to John.

I cannot tell if you are tangled up in John emotions, if John is tangled up in yours or if both are tangled up in each other's. The emotional boundaries here sound odd. But you could try sharing LESS about your feelings. Just stuck to behavior requests and explain less and just live your life.

You are comfortable enough with Ted being over. You just want notice of in house dates here because it's a shared home. That's fair.



Again... you sound like you are comfortable enough for this stage of things. Why's John got so much guilt or worry or whatever it is? It's normal for you to still be getting used to those two sharing sex there on their dates.

Do you and John have separate bedrooms? The home sounds big enough for you to be in another area when they are having a date.



Don't assume. Actually ASK.

Does John want to stop living together? Does John want to break up?

You seem willing to go through an adjustment period. You just want more notice that there's going to be a date here with Ted. And not just from the sky.



I don't know what John is going through talking like that. Does he need to see a doctor for depression? Something else? Like Mags I wonder if he's got some homophobia stuff to work through? I also wonder if he wants to break up, but wants YOU to be the breaker upper?

What's he going on about with severing both relationships? To make it easier on WHO? John?

If it was me? I can let that kind of doom talk slide once or twice but if this is going to become the common refrain? That's a problem. He can actually break up with me decently instead of these "hinting" things and pushing me away. But if he doesn't go see a doctor if this is depression or whatever talking? I'm going to break up with him. Just to be free of listening to this refrain. I have my OWN mental health to think about.

He either does his OWN personal work so we can live together still.

Or I move out, and then I don't need notice. John and Ted can be at John's place whenever. I don't live there. I see John on my dates with him.

Or I break up with John to be done listening to this doom -- regardless of where I live. I can't be with unmanaged patients. I have to look out for my own mental health.

I encourage you to ASK if John needs a health check up, and if it is better if you two date but NOT live together.

And if you are going to live together? He has to get it better together and work with a counselor and stop doing doom talk at you. If he keeps behaving like that every time he gets emotional with pushing you away? It's may become self-fulfilling prophecy because you are going to get sick of hearing/experiencing it.

Galagirl

Haha Thank you for responding. I know it was a long post, I think I was also trying to get it all out to feel better. I do understand now that I don't have to tell him my reasonings of why I'm doing things-- I should just do them. I think that's worked better for him and avoids oversharing and doom talk. (Ex: last time he had Ted over, I went to get my nails done. I didn't tell him I was intentionally leaving the house.) I need to live my life and not overshare.

I will stick to the behavior requests. But what was said last night was already said, and I don't know how to approach him now that he knows how I'm getting comfortable and about my new boundaries. I really just wanted some acknowledgement that he understands and respects my choices, and I can let him know if I need anything.

I don't know if he wants to stop living together or break up. Apologies-- he told me that he felt like I was expressing my frustrations and in turn that makes him feel guilty for having connection with Ted, and I'm being hurtful whether it's unintentional or not. (It's definitely unintentional.) That would be good to clarify. I think I'm still in monogamous thinking, where I don't want to stop living together, as it signifies a deeper relationship to me.

John does have depression and has a therapist. I actually see his therapist individually and she identifies that he may be wanting to prove that he's unlovable due to his past trauma or is unconsciously thinking that this is the expiration date-- I need to end it before I get hurt. I understand he has these issues in his past and want to assure him that this relationship is different than his past ones (there haven't been any drama or challenges till now) and affirm that I love him and accept him, and that we can get through challenges together, instead of throwing in the towel.

 

[GalaGirl]

Thank you for more info.

I will stick to the behavior requests, but what was said last night was already said and I don't know how to approach him now that he knows how I'm getting comfortable and my new boundaries.

You could do nothing. Let him own it, if he's got things to bring up. Some of your new personal boundaries might have to be around your time and energy.

I really just wanted some acknowledgement that he understands and respects my choices, and I can let him know if I need anything.

Would just living your life and seeing him cope okay answer that?

I don't know if he wants to stop living together, or break up. Apologies-- he told me that he felt like I was expressing my frustrations and in turn that makes him feel guilty for having this connection with Ted, and I'm being hurtful, whether it's unintentional or not. (It's definitely unintentional.) That would be good to clarify.

Just because he feels hurt doesn't mean you caused it. It could be his own thinking, like:

• You go out to get nails done.
• He thinks it is because you hate him dating Ted.
• Now he's all hurt.

But in your life, what did you do? You got a manicure. That's it. If his own thinking is causing him pain, he has to be the one to stop doing that thinking behavior. But if he's doing that and not noticing he is doing it, just putting it on you because you going out INSPIRED the thought, he might need to learn to slow down some and not jump to conclusions.

I'm still in monogamous thinking, where I don't want to stop living together, as it signifies a deeper relationship to me.

So married military people where one of the spouses is gone a lot in deployment... they don't have "as deep" a relationship, because they only live together part time?

You may discover other beliefs along the way that you might have to rethink. See what still holds and what you might let go.

John does have depression and has a therapist. I actually see his therapist individually and she identifies that he may be wanting to prove that he's unlovable due to his past trauma or is unconsciously thinking: This is the expiration date; I need to end it before I get hurt.

He thinks he stinks, so he behaves in off-putting ways, and people get upset with him or dump him. This confirms his own wonky thinking that he stinks, when really, people love him, but dislike these behaviors.

I understand he has these issues in his past and want to assure him that this relationship is different than his past ones (there hasn't been any drama or challenges till now) and affirm that I love him and accept him and we can get through challenges together, instead of throwing in the towel.

Well, you can do your fair share. But if he's not going to do his part and meet your part way, I don't think you can do it all and "carry" him all the time. That's the path to burning out and growing resentments.

Maybe you two could do couple's counseling with a poly counselor?

GG

 

[MeeraReed]

I'm wondering if you need to text John at all during his dates with Ted. Maybe just assume that Ted might stay over (as it is normal, in dating, for the date to be likely to stay over). Make your plans accordingly and don't feel you need to let John know at all.

Imagine that you're roommates on those nights: maybe you feel self-conscious of being at home while your roommate has a date over and you want to give them privacy and you also find it a little annoying. Fair. But you wouldn't need to tell the roommate your thoughts.

I don't mean to say that your communicating with John is wrong--it sounds like you're doing a fine job--but maybe it's time to try something different.

I wish John weren't laying all his internalized homophobia/guilt on you. Your communications shouldn't be so upsetting to him.

But he's not asking for advice; you are. So I would just try to communicate with him less about your processing, and don't text him during the dates with Ted.

 

[polynewgirl08]

I'm wondering if you need to text John at all during his dates with Ted. Maybe just assume that Ted might stay over (as it is normal, in dating, for the date to be likely to stay over). Make your plans accordingly and don't feel you need to let John know at all.

Imagine that you're roommates on those nights: maybe you feel self-conscious of being at home while your roommate has a date over and you want to give them privacy and you also find it a little annoying. Fair. But you wouldn't need to tell the roommate your thoughts.

I don't mean to say that your communicating with John is wrong--it sounds like you're doing a fine job--but maybe it's time to try something different.

I wish John weren't laying all his internalized homophobia/guilt on you. Your communications shouldn't be so upsetting to him.

But he's not asking for advice; you are. So I would just try to communicate with him less about your processing, and don't text him during the dates with Ted.

That's a great example, I've dealt with that before with roommates in the past who have dates over and just make it a point to stay out of the way and entertain myself since it is a shared space. I will do that going forward and assume that Ted may stay over to make my plans and will not text him during dates with Ted.

I think this would help since to me it feels like the communication of my processing is making John feel like it's his fault for making things seemingly difficult on me and/or making him feel guilty for spending time with Ted when that was not my intention.

I appreciate your support around him and not putting his guilt/homophobia on me. This is clarifying to me. Unfortunately, he's already heard about how I process. He seems pretty shut down and in his mind about ending our relationships. How should I best approach him after this and knowing I will have better boundaries going forward.

 

[polynewgirl08]

Thank you for more info.



You could do nothing. Let him own it, if he's got things to bring up. Some of your new personal boundaries might have to be around your time and energy.


Would just living your life and seeing him cope okay answer that?



Just because he feels hurt doesn't mean you caused it. It could be his own thinking, like:

• You go out to get nails done.
• He thinks it is because you hate him dating Ted.
• Now he's all hurt.

But in your life, what did you do? You got a manicure. That's it. If his own thinking is causing him pain, he has to be the one to stop doing that thinking behavior. But if he's doing that and not noticing he is doing it, just putting it on you because you going out INSPIRED the thought, he might need to learn to slow down some and not jump to conclusions.



So married military people where one of the spouses is gone a lot in deployment... they don't have "as deep" a relationship, because they only live together part time?

You may discover other beliefs along the way that you might have to rethink. See what still holds and what you might let go.



He thinks he stinks, so he behaves in off-putting ways, and people get upset with him or dump him. This confirms his own wonky thinking that he stinks, when really, people love him, but dislike these behaviors.




Well, you can do your fair share. But if he's not going to do his part and meet your part way, I don't think you can do it all and "carry" him all the time. That's the path to burning out and growing resentments.

Maybe you two could do couple's counseling with a poly counselor?

GG

1. Yes, I want to try to do this and let him bring up anything. It feels very wrong to me as I want to resolve things right away.
2. Yes, I think I can just live my life and see him cope. I wish I had done that earlier and known that is enough.
3. Thank you for helping clarify that I didn't cause him hurt, that's his responsibility if it's his thinking. That makes a lot of sense and helps be feel less at fault
4. I will continue to think on the beliefs I have and am open to letting them go! You're right about the military spouse example, just because they live apart it doesn't minimize their relationship
5. I do think he's dealing with his own personal dislike of himself and in his cycles/behaviors he's probably unconsciously wanting to prove he's right in that he stinks and no one loves him which is not true.
6. I'm hoping he will do his share and I am firm in the fact I don't want to carry this all on my own. My therapist suggested a joint session and I will bring it up to him to see if he's willing to do a couples therapy session.

Seriously I really appreciate your thoughts and insight and ultimately support. I don't know you but you are helping me a lot and I thank you for that

 

[GalaGirl]

Glad it helps you some.

1. Yes, I want to try to do this and let him bring up anything. It feels very wrong to me as I want to resolve things right away.

If he means it about severing both relationships? You can't stop him from breaking up.

If he doesn't mean it? Was all agitated or disregulated or whatever? Waiting and letting him cool off may be better than cranking him up again. Wait it out.

It's like a pot of boiling water. You might turn off heat and take it off the burner but it's still going to bubble a bit. And then it's still WAY too hot to stick your hand in and mess with even after the bubbling stops. You WAIT.

2. Yes, I think I can just live my life and see him cope. I wish I had done that earlier and known that is enough.

That's ok. You know it now.

3. Thank you for helping clarify that I didn't cause him hurt, that's his responsibility if it's his thinking. That makes a lot of sense and helps be feel less at fault

Glad it helps you. You and John are going to have to really work at detangling.

4. I will continue to think on the beliefs I have and am open to letting them go! You're right about the military spouse example, just because they live apart it doesn't minimize their relationship

Good for you. Willing to examine beliefs and update.

5. I do think he's dealing with his own personal dislike of himself and in his cycles/behaviors he's probably unconsciously wanting to prove he's right in that he stinks and no one loves him which is not true.

That is his personal work to do and he could not leak it on to you. Remain firm in the boundary if he tries to put things on you that are NOT actually your doing or your responsibility to fix.

Some of the stuff in this relationship? It's going to be "our shared stuff, our shared responsibility." But not ALL stuff is "our stuff." Some is just your stuff and your responsibility to attend to even if it may affect John. Some of it is just his stuff and his responsibility to attend to even if it may affect you.

I poop here? I am responsible for flushing my waste down the toilet. I don't leave it for DH to do even though we share the bathroom. DH does his own flushes. If the bathroom pipes break? Alright -- then we might have to share the job in cleaning up water spill with towels, calling a plumber, paying them, washing the yucky towels, and all that. At that point it is "our shared responsibility."

6. I'm hoping he will do his share and I am firm in the fact I don't want to carry this all on my own. My therapist suggested a joint session and I will bring it up to him to see if he's willing to do a couples therapy session.

That's a good idea. Hopefully John is open to it.

Galagirl

 

[Bobbi]

I think I'm still in monogamous thinking, where I don't want to stop living together, as it signifies a deeper relationship to me.

My life partner and I don't live together and see each other 3 times per week, on average, and it is by far the deepest relationship I've ever had...deeper than I could have ever imagined almost incomprehensible. I get 100% quality time with him. I never even got 10% quality time with partners I've lived with. Your relationship is either deep or it isn't. Living together has no baring in that....it's just living together.

I think you both have some monogamy programming to work through.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Sally,

It seems that John is unhappy with your way of working around his relationship with Ted. He doesn't want you to leave the house when Ted is coming over, and he doesn't want you in a different room. He wants you to hang out with him and Ted, and he wants you to be happy and comfortable doing so, and if you won't do that, then he says you are making him feel guilty and he'll just have to break up with both you and Ted. That's a little dramatic, and certainly not fair to you, as you are just asking for a parallel poly dynamic right now, which is reasonable on your part. I guess he feels guilty, so he wants you to feel guilty too.

I understand why you are telling John that you won't be in the house when Ted is there, or that at least you won't be in the same room. You are giving John a chance to know what to expect, so that he doesn't have to wonder where you are or why you "disappeared." Obviously he doesn't handle that information well, and I don't know what the answer is. Maybe he has the information now, so you just don't have to keep repeating it to him. Or, maybe you and he just need to detangle some, so that each of you isn't always wondering what happened to the other when the other isn't there. Maybe he just needs to get used to you not being around?

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.