Partner wants poly, but cheated before we decided

E

Excelon

New member
Hi All,

First things first. English is not my first language and I am usually fairly bad at explaining things, so try to decipher my question as best you can.


My partner and I have been together for almost 18 months. From early on in the relationship, she has said that she is curious about ENM and that she is interested in women in a sexual way, but was not sure if she would be ready for a relationship with one yet.

We spoke about it at length. I voiced my concerns about poly, as I am jealous and hadn't ever really thought about the idea of poly before. But I have been doing lots of research and self-searching and I think it sounds like a thing to be explored further.

The issue, and what I would like some advice on, is my current situation. My partner moved OS a few weeks ago. Our discussion of poly never went anywhere before she left. We just said it was something to be discussed more, as it was something she really wanted.

After being in her new country for 10 days she cheated on me with a new coworker. Keep in mind for future advice that she lives at her place of work 24/7 for the next 7 months with the guy she slept with.

We are still together. Obviously, I was absolutely devastated by her telling me the next morning after it happened, while she was drunk.

She is remorseful about it, and has told the guy it will never happen again, as it caused a rift in her current relationship. She has promised me it won't happen again, and that she won't do anything until we have discussed the boundaries of our relationship, going forward.

My question is, what should the next steps be? I know it's not a one-size-fits-all answer. But what is a realistic timeframe to talk, discuss and work through the trust issues that have been caused due to the cheating?

I want to be with her, and she wants to be with me. We spoke about being primaries to each other. If I were to venture into poly with her, that is at least one thing that is important to me, and something that she has also said she wants.
 
Would you share the genders of everyone involved? I get the feeling you are male, your partner is female, and the person she had sex with in her home country is male.

May I suggest nicknames for everyone for clarity? You're Excelon, your partner is Bree and the person she had sex with is Jack.

It sounds like Bree will be away from you for half a year and in proximity to Jack. Even though before she left she told you she wanted an open relationship, and she wanted to try dating/having sex with other women, she in fact got drunk as soon as she got to the other country and slept with another man instead. Is that right? And now she's promised it won't happen again. I can see why you wouldn't trust her around that.

I have no idea how best to rebuild trust with her while she's so far away. It sounds very upsetting and difficult. As soon as she got away from you, bam! She had sex with another guy, which wasn't even part of the agreement. Not that you actually had an agreement.

Personally, most polyamorists agree that if the relationship is open, the gender of each person's other partners should not matter. Everyone has the right to be with whoever they want. So, to me, it shouldn't matter if she cheated on you with a man or a woman. And if you two do agree to Open, she can have sex or date anyone of any gender she wants. And so can you. Just because she's bi doesn't mean she can only have sex with other women. She's still attracted to men, as well.

Either way, she cheated. You two had not fully agreed to open. I'd suspect she already had this guy lined up. Did she? Is he someone she knew from before that she had a crush on? Or was it just some stranger she met at a bar or party?

At least she told you about her slip-up right away. That's one point in her favor.
 
Hello Excelon,

Sorry your partner cheated. I wouldn't blame you if you chose to reject poly because of that. I know she's saying it won't happen again, but can you really trust her? I would take poly off the table for the next seven months. Do not discuss it with her until she moves back to live with you. Let her prove that she can control herself, and not cheat on you again with the new coworker. I hope you can work things out with her.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Just for the thought experiment, alternatively you could embrace poly/open relationships fully and without any rules and then you could reach the mindset that your partners simply can't cheat on you. I can't cheat on my partners and they can't cheat on me because we are have total autonomy over our bodies. We treat each other with courtesy regarding the information we share with each other, and we love each other and don't do hurtful things, but we've removed the possibility of cheating being a hurtful thing as it's really not an issue whom else we have sex with.
 
First, your English is excellent. No apology needed!

So, Bree has been "eager" to explore poly for at least 18 months but held off for you. She is now overseas for 7 months, apparently makes friends easily, slept with Jack just 10 days after getting there, and lives at her workplace with Jack and probably other interesting people. And she had the honesty to tell you about it the next morning.

That honesty makes her a good person. She could have said nothing, and you would never know.

Long-distance monogamous relationships are hard -- especially for people who have some degree of innate poly orientation. Honestly, I think whether it's right or wrong, the chance of her remaining celibate for you for the next 7 months is small.

So you have a choice:

1) Accept this reality, and tell her with a good heart that she has your blessing to go ahead (especially because she wants to be primaries with you), or

2) Accept this reality, and step away from this relationship because you realize you are incompatible. (You can remain platonic friends, maybe forever.)

Remember, it means a lot that she told you. But if she does promise you celibacy now, you will always know that she is constantly stressed about it. And because she is overseas where you cannot find out, would you ever really feel certain she would tell you again. Maybe she would -- but there is no way for you to know.

So my advice is, either accept her for who she is or let her go.

Alan M.
Polyamory in the News
 
Hi All,

Thank you for your input.

I booked a flight to go see her in two weeks as I really want to talk about this face-to-face and not over a dodgy-at-times internet connection.

I have been doing research and booked a session with a NMR counselor, just to gain more insight into this lifestyle. I am committed to making this work if she is willing to.

The thought of opening up completely straightaway does scare me, because I would find it very hard to set boundaries after that, rather than relaxing them as we go and get a feel for it. This has obviously to do with me never having even thought about NMR until she mentioned it.

She appears to be in a mad rush to get her sexual desires met over there. But like I said, I want this to be a face-to-face conversation, so hopefully she actually values the relationship enough to wait another two weeks.
 
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