This is a long story, but please read. I really need some advice.
My partner (28 F) who I will call "Jane" and I (28 F) have been together almost 8 years. About 2 years ago, we decided to transition to polyam. The transition has of course had some ups and downs as I imagine any monog->polyam transition would. But overall, it's been very positive for us both. So, to the story...
Jane had a college professor who she became close friends with. I will call this professor "Lynn". Lynn is 42. Around the time Jane and I decided to do polyam, we started hanging out with Lynn in person some, because it had been a few years since Lynn taught Jane and we thought that enough time had passed for them to be able to be friends. The three of us clicked well together and enjoyed spending time together. Lynn led us to believe that she was in a polyam relationship with her partner who I will call Brad. After several months of the three of us just hanging out, flirting, and kissing, we started to see signs that maybe Lynn and Brad were not in a polyam relationship after all. Well, of course, Jane and I were upset and confused, but Lynn had manipulated us so much that it was hard to know what was real. Especially with this being our first polyam experience.
It has now become clear to me that Lynn has a lot of narcissistic behaviors. Lynn:
What's more, as this relationship between us progressed, I began to worry that Lynn was trying to pit me and Jane against each other. When Lynn and I would talk alone, she would talk down about Jane and at first I was confused, but then she started getting me to believe her illusion. When Lynn was alone with Jane, she would talk to Jane about me, telling her she was sure I had an eating disorder (I have a GI condition that makes it hard for me to maintain a healthy weight). Lynn also encouraged Jane to cheat on me with a male interest despite knowing it was a relationship I was not okay with Jane being a part of. Lynn also consistently put me down for being too skinny, which she knew was my biggest insecurity.
Things came to a head after we realized that Lynn was indeed in a monog relationship with Brad. When we confronted Lynn about it and demanded some sort of explanation, Lynn ghosted us. We hadn't heard a word from her for months. So, after five months of hearing nothing from Lynn, Jane met up with Lynn in person and confronted her about the situation. Lynn apologized and said that she knew what she did to us was wrong but she panicked and fled. Jane and Lynn talked through everything.
Here's my question for which I need advice:
Jane now wants to just be able to maintain a casual platonic relationship with Lynn, which would basically just consist of them texting periodically to stay in touch. I feel like this is an absolutely horrible idea and gives Lynn a foot in the door to try and manipulate one or both of us again. Jane doesn't see it that way. Jane says she no longer desires any kind of romantic or sexual relationship with Lynn (which I do believe) and she just misses having the friendship she had with Lynn before everything that happened. I'm at a loss of what to do. I don't feel right about telling Jane what she can and can't do. I want her to be able to make her own choices and I do trust her. But what I don't trust is the power of that narcissistic charm. I do believe that if Jane allows Lynn to be in her life in any capacity, it will give Lynn an opportunity to manipulate her again. I just don't know what to do. I've expressed these concerns to Jane, but Jane assures me she will be fine. Do I just let it happen knowing that it's probably going to end in hurt? Or do I tell Jane that I'm not okay with her talking to Lynn? It just feels wrong to give an ultimatum, but I also feel very nervous and concerned about the outcome.
Thank you for reading.
My partner (28 F) who I will call "Jane" and I (28 F) have been together almost 8 years. About 2 years ago, we decided to transition to polyam. The transition has of course had some ups and downs as I imagine any monog->polyam transition would. But overall, it's been very positive for us both. So, to the story...
Jane had a college professor who she became close friends with. I will call this professor "Lynn". Lynn is 42. Around the time Jane and I decided to do polyam, we started hanging out with Lynn in person some, because it had been a few years since Lynn taught Jane and we thought that enough time had passed for them to be able to be friends. The three of us clicked well together and enjoyed spending time together. Lynn led us to believe that she was in a polyam relationship with her partner who I will call Brad. After several months of the three of us just hanging out, flirting, and kissing, we started to see signs that maybe Lynn and Brad were not in a polyam relationship after all. Well, of course, Jane and I were upset and confused, but Lynn had manipulated us so much that it was hard to know what was real. Especially with this being our first polyam experience.
It has now become clear to me that Lynn has a lot of narcissistic behaviors. Lynn:
- lies constantly
- manipulates people with charm in order to get what she wants
- thinks she should get whatever she wants
- is obsessed with what others think of her/her reputation
- thinks she's a great person who's a borderline genius, and doesn't mind letting everyone know
- and has explicitly said she doesn't care if what she's doing is wrong as long as she doesn't get caught
What's more, as this relationship between us progressed, I began to worry that Lynn was trying to pit me and Jane against each other. When Lynn and I would talk alone, she would talk down about Jane and at first I was confused, but then she started getting me to believe her illusion. When Lynn was alone with Jane, she would talk to Jane about me, telling her she was sure I had an eating disorder (I have a GI condition that makes it hard for me to maintain a healthy weight). Lynn also encouraged Jane to cheat on me with a male interest despite knowing it was a relationship I was not okay with Jane being a part of. Lynn also consistently put me down for being too skinny, which she knew was my biggest insecurity.
Things came to a head after we realized that Lynn was indeed in a monog relationship with Brad. When we confronted Lynn about it and demanded some sort of explanation, Lynn ghosted us. We hadn't heard a word from her for months. So, after five months of hearing nothing from Lynn, Jane met up with Lynn in person and confronted her about the situation. Lynn apologized and said that she knew what she did to us was wrong but she panicked and fled. Jane and Lynn talked through everything.
Here's my question for which I need advice:
Jane now wants to just be able to maintain a casual platonic relationship with Lynn, which would basically just consist of them texting periodically to stay in touch. I feel like this is an absolutely horrible idea and gives Lynn a foot in the door to try and manipulate one or both of us again. Jane doesn't see it that way. Jane says she no longer desires any kind of romantic or sexual relationship with Lynn (which I do believe) and she just misses having the friendship she had with Lynn before everything that happened. I'm at a loss of what to do. I don't feel right about telling Jane what she can and can't do. I want her to be able to make her own choices and I do trust her. But what I don't trust is the power of that narcissistic charm. I do believe that if Jane allows Lynn to be in her life in any capacity, it will give Lynn an opportunity to manipulate her again. I just don't know what to do. I've expressed these concerns to Jane, but Jane assures me she will be fine. Do I just let it happen knowing that it's probably going to end in hurt? Or do I tell Jane that I'm not okay with her talking to Lynn? It just feels wrong to give an ultimatum, but I also feel very nervous and concerned about the outcome.
Thank you for reading.
