Partners and Jealousy

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Dragonfly4253

New member
My primary partner has developed jealous feelings toward my secondary partner. We have talked about them extensively and determined triggers and ways I can avoid triggering them. My primary is my world. We plan to get married. I see my secondary one evening a week for just a couple hours. I care for him deeply. My primary has established that his jealousy is based on envy. He does not have a secondary right now and because where we live is not very poly friendly, he has been having difficulty meeting women that don't just run away when they hear the word poly.

I have tried everything I can think of him to help him get past the jealousy and he just can't seem to get past it. He has told me that it is something he needs to deal with and that he is happy for me but knowing he is upset makes me feel guilty when I am with my secondary. And my time is so small with my secondary that I hate spending it feeling bad.

Anyone have any advice on how to handle this? We are newer to poly. (We were swingers who went rogue and started having feelings for each other).
 
I really dislike when people only like poly when THEY get other partners....
 
To be fair he recognizes that this behavior isn't fair or rational. He just can't seem to get past it.
 
First, kudos to your partner for recognizing the source of his jealousy. It's easier said than done, but do try to enjoy yourself when you're with your secondary. It does suck that he can't find anyone at the moment, but I hope both of you can recognize that his lack of success shouldn't impede your other relationship.

We also live in a very backward community that seems to almost celebrate its lack of sophistication. We've pretty much abandoned seeking others as individuals and mainly work as a team these days. Might as well have it right out in the open, eh?

Remind your primary that running them off with the word "poly" is actually a good thing. It shows that they're either too ignorant to understand the rather simple concept or they're simply out to "stake a claim." If they're more interested in the bulge in his back pocket than they are the bulge under his zipper, it's best to dodge the bullet before it gets fired.

Since you're familiar with the swinging world, you've probably noticed that a female is going to secure additional companionship much more easily than her male counterpart. That's just a sad fact of sexual politics and it doesn't change much whether you're a single, a couple, swingers, or poly.

Advice? He's really just got to keep trying. It's a numbers game. As they say, you can't win if you don't play. If you're stuck in Bugtussle, there's no shame in reaching out via the internet to a larger (and hopefully more sophisticated) community.
 
I can totally get why it's hard for your primary. My husband wasn't jealous of my relationship with my guy, but he did envy me having another partner before he met his girlfriend. I've heard that the poly world can be harder for guys to find additional partners than women.

Sounds like you two are approaching this in the healthiest way possible. If your primary is looking for a partner, reassure him that it takes time. I was with my OSO for a few years before my SO found someone he wanted to date who was also interested in dating him.

As for the guilt you feel, my husband had struggled with that for a while when he went to see his girlfriend for the night and I couldn't see my guy (it's a LDR). I had to remind him that although I appreciate that he understood how it was hard for me, he did not need to take on my struggles. If I was saying it was okay, it was okay, even if it was hard for me not to be envious. If he's telling you it's okay to see your other partner, take him at his word.
 
I am sorry about how your primary partner is feeling. My Fiance and I are new to Poly as well and even though I know I won't mind him having a side relationship, I fear that if it happens for me first he would get jealous and I really hope that's not the case.

I wish you three the best of luck in figuring this out.:D
 
Hi Dragonfly,

I'm sorry to hear that you and your primary are going through this. It's rough, and I definitely understand it. Ultimately, your primary is right - only he can work through his envy. It might realistically be that things are rough on your primary until he finds a secondary for himself. It's difficult to let go of envy when your primary probably has to deal with constant reminders (your phone buzzing, you talking about your secondary, you getting ready for dates, you going on dates, etc.).

In terms of your guilt, this is for you to work on. Try to let go of that yourself, rather than basing it on your primary's emotions. It's important that you own your own emotions too :) It's compassionate to feel bad for your primary when you go on dates, but practice separating your feelings from his once you've experienced the empathy if you can.

One thing I've experienced which may resonate with the two of you is this: the more I tell myself that I "should" be over my jealousy or envy, the worse I feel. The more my partner tells me that she wishes she could help me and that she's tried everything, the worse I feel. At least in my case, I feel like a failure when I can't get past jealousy. This leads to feelings of shame and inadequacy, which leads to further insecurity and low self-esteem, which leads to even more envy and jealousy.

The most comforting thing in the world to hear, in my opinion, is this: "I understand what you are going through. Thank you for being open enough to share this with me. Allow yourself to feel what you feel. Things will click in their own time." I'd honestly love to hear this from my partner. I wonder if that might help you two.

Also, I believe it was GalaGirl who once told me that emotions are like the weather - rain is rain, wind is wind. Emotions just *are*. You wait until they pass. In the meantime, I'd recommend that your primary does all that he can do to bring joy into his own life. The better we feel about our own lives, the less envy can take hold.

I understand that your primary wants to meet someone and that he's struggling with not finding a suitable candidate. While he should of course continue to throw himself out there (and, as Cosmo so rightly said, remember that getting rid of anti-poly candidates is a GOOD thing), I don't think that alone will solve the problem. There's very likely going to be times when one of you is dating and the other isn't. Learning how to cope with that now is better than sticking a date-shaped bandaid over the problem.

It might be useful to research and practice some techniques for letting go of negative emotions in the moment. I say this because envy in particular can really eat a person up inside, and it's incredibly distressing to be stuck in a negative mind loop. I'll leave you with a handful of ideas to show to your primary:

- Put pen to paper. It actually works, at least in the short-term. Write feelings down as short, blameless statements ("I am sad that..." "I am unsatisfied with...", then toss 'em out. This exercise can help with simply accepting what we are feeling and letting it go for a while.

- Distraction. Do something that you can really, seriously sink your teeth into. Do this whenever feelings of envy are triggered.

- Being thankful. I'm not going to suggest anything as saccharine as "list 10 blessings in your life". I'm talking about getting real. When I find myself in the middle of a self-centered pity party, I think to myself, "There are people in the world without a house / without legs / without eyesight". When I get mopey about only having one partner while GF has three+, I think about the millions of entirely alone people in the world. I basically give myself a sharp slap in the face and tell myself to get over my damn first-world problems.

- Treat your mind as a hotel and your thoughts as guests. If envy comes knocking, do you want to entertain it for a while, or do you want to send it packing? There's no right or wrong - it's your hotel.

The following websites might also be useful to you both:

http://www.beyond-karma.com/how-to/how-to-stop-compulsive-thoughts-letting-go-in-four-steps/

https://inspiredeverymoment.wordpress.com/2011/11/23/how-to-stop-negative-thinking/
 
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I still struggle

I am getting better, but the like first month night when Renee was with her husband I used to cry myself to sleep..

It's better now but it does creep up..
 
You guys are all giving such amazing advice. It is so awesome to talk to people who understand what we are going through. We are definitely going to try some of these techniques. Lovey especially agreed with the comment about taking things at their face value and not feeling guilty. He wants me to be happy and for him it will come in its own time.

And yes even with swinging, it is always easier for the female. Single men have a very difficult time.
 
Middlegirl said:
I am getting better, but the like first month night when Renee was with her husband I used to cry myself to sleep..

It's better now but it does creep up..
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Im so sorry. That sounds so hard. Because we both have kids, I don't do overnights with my secondary. Someday maybe but not right now. It would be too confusing for our kids who only know that we are friends. I miss my secondary a lot when we are not together. Its long distance so we don't get to see each other often. I would probably go crazy if I didn't have my primary to comfort me.
 
Meeting jealousy dead on in an adult manner can be very daunting. We live in a society that encourages us to treat jealousy as if it is some kind of righteous flame that we should indulge. So, experiencing jealousy and treating it like any other emotion that we should deal with can be a new and troubling experience.

My advice is to you is to realize that it is an emotion that your partner is experiencing and that they are going to have to grow through. It's not a bad emotion... it's just an emotion. It's a fear based insecurity.

In my opinion the only way to get past this sort of fear based insecurity is to realize that it is just an emotion and not, in fact, reality. How does one do this? You go on your date... you come home... and everything is fine. Rinse and repeat. He feels like his world is going to collapse, he convinces himself it's all going to end... but it doesn't. Sooner or later he will come to realize that his fear based insecurity is based on an irrational fear and learn to deal with it.

Dragonfly4253 said:
My primary has established that his jealousy is based on envy. He does not have a secondary right now and because where we live is not very poly friendly, he has been having difficulty meeting women that don't just run away when they hear the word poly.
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Please reconsider looking at another human as a band-aid for his insecurities. First, it is not a solution. Second... it is really cruel.
 
Please reconsider looking at another human as a band-aid for his insecurities. First said:
I would disagree that being envious is the same as seeking another human being as a bandaid. Wanting someone that someone else has would be a bandaid. Wanting to experience a new relationship or a new love isn't seeking a bandaid, it's seeking a new experience.
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I am sorry you struggle.

In this bit?

He has told me that it is something he needs to deal with and that he is happy for me but knowing he is upset makes me feel guilty when I am with my secondary. And my time is so small with my secondary that I hate spending it feeling bad.
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He's not super upset sounding to me. See:

He has told me that it is something he needs to deal with and that he is happy for me
Click to expand...

He's owning his stuff.

I think it is you who could process YOUR feelings some more.

Knowing he is upset makes me feel guilty when I am with my secondary. And my time is so small with my secondary that I hate spending it feeling bad.
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Knowing he is upset is horrible because ____?

What are you thinking in your head that leads to the word "guilty?" This "guilty" word makes it sound like you think you are responsible for his happiness. Like you failed to achieve it and are now penalizing yourself for it. His emotional management isn't your job. It's his, and he sounds like he's dealing with it.

Could you mean you feel "regret" he is experiencing a yucky time right now? You feel "sorrow" that he is experiencing a yucky time right now? If so, express that to him. Offer comfort if he'd like it. But otherwise let him do what he wants. He wants to deal with it himself.

Could recognize that YOU don't MAKE him feel bad. You are not "guilty" like you did a crime. You did not do this to him.

He's allowed to be bummed out the current situation isn't what he'd like. He'd like a secondary but doesn't have one right now. Nobody's fault. Time passes -- maybe the situation changes. Weather it out.

Could that POV help you?
Galagirl
 
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Poly is a tough sell outside of the big cities. I have lived in both major cities and rural areas. A similar problem sometimes pops up in open relationships because the girl can more easily meet guys than her partner can meet girls.

My experience is that it all depends on why someone wants poly. If they want it so that they too can have other partners, that becomes a problem at times. An imbalance in these kind of relationships can spell trouble, like you are experiencing. Better to know this now than after you get married so you can work it out first.

If the problem is something you do or say, it can be fixed. If it is because he does not also have a lover, that is a more difficult situation and something that may persist in the future unless he learns how to deal with it.
 
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Hi Dragonfly4253,

It sounds like your primary partner wants to do his own work on getting over his envy and upset. To show him that you respect and believe in him, you need to take a step back and let him do his own work on his own emotions.

If you think about it, feeling guilty for seeing your secondary partner is almost like not letting your primary own his own feelings and take care of them. You are compensating for some emotional inability you suppose he has by feeling negative emotions for him and on his behalf. I don't know if he knows if you feel guilty, but if he does, it probably makes him feel worse. And it doesn't have to be that way.

You see your secondary partner for a couple of hours a week. That isn't a lot. Too little for guilt and envy to spoil it. Let your primary work on his emotions, and you work on yours. Things don't always have to be even in poly. Everyone doesn't have to have the same number of partners all the time.

I wish you the best and hope you and your primary get feeling better.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
GalaGirl said:
I am sorry you struggle.

In this bit?



He's not super upset sounding to me. See:



He's owning his stuff.

I think it is you who could process YOUR feelings some more.



Knowing he is upset is horrible because ____?

What are you thinking in your head that leads to the word "guilty?" This "guilty" word makes it sound like you think you are responsible for his happiness. Like you failed to achieve it and are now penalizing yourself for it. His emotional management isn't your job. It's his, and he sounds like he's dealing with it.

Could you mean you feel "regret" he is experiencing a yucky time right now? You feel "sorrow" that he is experiencing a yucky time right now? If so, express that to him. Offer comfort if he'd like it. But otherwise let him do what he wants. He wants to deal with it himself.

Could recognize that YOU don't MAKE him feel bad. You are not "guilty" like you did a crime. You did not do this to him.

He's allowed to be bummed out the current situation isn't what he'd like. He'd like a secondary but doesn't have one right now. Nobody's fault. Time passes -- maybe the situation changes. Weather it out.

Could that POV help you?
Galagirl
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I agree. He is allowed to be bummed. I think I just want so much for him to experience what I experience that I feel guilty for having something he doesnt? Does that make sense?
 
kdt26417 said:
Hi Dragonfly4253,

It sounds like your primary partner wants to do his own work on getting over his envy and upset. To show him that you respect and believe in him, you need to take a step back and let him do his own work on his own emotions.

If you think about it, feeling guilty for seeing your secondary partner is almost like not letting your primary own his own feelings and take care of them. You are compensating for some emotional inability you suppose he has by feeling negative emotions for him and on his behalf. I don't know if he knows if you feel guilty, but if he does, it probably makes him feel worse. And it doesn't have to be that way.

You see your secondary partner for a couple of hours a week. That isn't a lot. Too little for guilt and envy to spoil it. Let your primary work on his emotions, and you work on yours. Things don't always have to be even in poly. Everyone doesn't have to have the same number of partners all the time.

I wish you the best and hope you and your primary get feeling better.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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You are right that knowing I feel guilty makes him feel worse. It makes him feel like he needs to try even harder to just get over it instead of just processing through it. I guess I need some work too...

Thanks for the perspective.
 
Glad it was helpful.

I truly hope he finds that elusive poly-friendly lady he is looking for out there. It is typically harder for men to find women than it is the other way around. Don't know why that is, but it's a reality we must live with. Hopefully he'll be able to grow the patience of Job during this process.
 
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