Partners break up - poly perspectives greatly appreciated

L

LucyRain123

New member
Hi everyone,
So ill give you some background first –

My primary partner have been together about 3 and a half years….last summer he came to me broaching the idea of polyamory and opening up our relationship (until then we had been monogamous without any discussion).
I agreed to give it a go….it made complete sense on paper, I just wasn’t sure if I would be able to deal with the emotions and jealousy, but we decided that we would either have to break up then (if I wasn’t prepared to give it a go, as he believes its an intrinsic part of him), or give it a go, and see if it could work for us.

So nothing happened for a year as he was doing his teacher training and was extremely busy, and didn’t feel he had time for new relationships. When he finished in July, he began meeting up with a female friend he had met on the course (they had been on one placement together so became fairly close).
After going for a coffee with her one day, he told me that they had discussed lifestyle choices….he had brought up polyamory and she had discussed having been in open relationships previously, but she was currently in a fairly volatile abusive monogamous relationship (or at least still living with that partner although they weren’t officially together…)

Soooo…..(sorry this is so long!!) after that conversation, my partner messaged her and told her that he had feelings for her, which she reciprocated, and they met up again to talk about everything….deciding at that point only to be friends because of her situation.
About 2 days later she moved out of her mono partners house back in with her parents, and she and my partner began dating. This went really well for a few weeks, my partner was really happy and excited, and although there were some issues my end trying to process all the ‘firsts’ and getting my head round everything, it seemed to be going well….(apart from having nowhere to go to be intimate….her parents apparently wasn’t an option, and although the last few weeks I had agreed she could come to the house we share together, I wasn’t comfortable with anything happening in our bed).

The last 2/3 weeks however have been really difficult….my partner gets quite anxious, and his new girlfriend began ‘passively ghostling’ him….going from really long message conversations to one word replies, arranging to meet up then cancelling, and in my opinion being quite cruel.
When they spoke about it, it turned out that she is open to the idea of non-monogamy, but she wants to be someone’s primary partner, to cohabit and eventually have children ect ect…..I found this very threatening…especially as my primary seemed so into her, but I did my best to be as supportive as possible, even when she was phoning for long chats on nights which were specifically ours ect.

So as I said, there was lots of passive ghosting going on, and on Tuesday they spoke, going back and forth back and forth about their situation until my partner thought that she wanted to end it, and sent her a message saying goodbye….this didn’t go down well her end and then yesterday morning she messaged him agreeing that it had to end “for the sake of his relationship” meaning mine and his (Am I wrong to be really REALLY pissed and threatened by this??!)

He is completely heartbroken, and although its only been about 6 weeks of actual ‘dating’, he seems completely broken by this.
When he got home yesterday, he sat me down and told me that he doesn’t know if we should be together because he feels like there are pieces missing from our relationship, and he doesn’t find me attractive. He doesn’t feel that we have passion, that we are more like best friends.

This is the part which I need some advice on...have you ever taken your sadness out on a partner after splitting up with someone? I am absolutely gutted that he feels like this, but part of me is thinking that he is really hurting and people lash out at the people they love. I am so so hurt right now, and I think in a way that he thinks he deserves to be alone and lonely as punishment for hurting both me and his girlfriend….but I have told him that we aren’t making any decisions about our relationship while everything is so fresh….we need to have a few weeks for things to settle and to think things through properly.

Any advice at all on aftermath of break ups would be so valuable to me! I was meant to be going on a date with someone I’ve been chatting to for ages on Sunday, but I’ve cancelled because it wouldn’t be fair to drag them in on this mess, it all just feels very unfair right now.
Thanks in advance xxxx
 
I'm sorry you struggle. Let me repeat back what I understand in my own words so I know I got it how you mean it. You correct me if I'm wrong, ok?

  • You guys agreed to Open a year ago, but due to work he's not actually acted on it til now. He's been dating the new lady for 6 weeks and he broke up with her because she seemed to be cooling off. She didn't take it well.


  • Yesterday morning she messaged him agreeing that it had to end “for the sake of his relationship” meaning you and him. You know this because you are reading his phone messages. (Why are you reading his phone messages?)

  • Even though they are broken up now, you feel pissed and threatened by this. (Like if it wasn't for you, they'd be together?)

  • Yesterday he tells you that he doesn’t know if you and him should be together because he feels like there are pieces missing from the relationship. He doesn’t find you attractive. He doesn’t feel passionate about you. He feels more like best friends than a romantic couple.

  • You feel hurt and cancel your date with a new potential on Sunday. You think he's acting out at you because he's hurting from the break up with her.

  • You told him you want to postpone making any decisions about (you + him) while everything is so fresh with the (him + her) breakup. To take a few weeks for things to settle and to think things through properly.

I don't know what to tell you. I've never taken out my upset on a partner when breaking up with a different one.

If he's basically not into you like he used to be and wants to break up? I don't see what waiting a few weeks would change. I'd be ok with letting it go. But I like not dragging things out. I rather linger in the healing space than in the breaking up space.

If he is using you for a punching bag cuz he's all sad about the other break up? I don't think I'd feel great sticking around. What then? He dates a new person and if that doesn't pan out you are the punching bag again? That's a crap deal.

You sound like you are too involved in his things. Let his problems be his problems.

If you are going to wait a few weeks before making the final call on whether or not to keep dating each other? Fair enough. But then make the call.

End it if you are gonna end it.

If you decide to give him another chance and stay together?

I'd suggest taking a step back. No reading his phone messages. No being his sounding board if he's feeling sad about his other relationships. He can turn to others for help with his things on that side of the V. It cannot be you.

You comfort in and kvetch out. So no, he cannot kvetch at you about his poly network problems on that side of the V because you are IN the network. It would overload you.

And no canceling your own dates just because he's having up and downs with his other partners. That is not your fault or doing. A crisis or problem on his part doesn't automatically make it a problem or crisis on yours. You don't have to be without compassion like you don't care about him at all. But you have to have compassion for yourself too and exercise personal boundaries. If he's dating other people, he is the one dating them, not you. You cannot get overinvolved in his stuff.

Some of the stuff? Is only his stuff.

Some of the stuff? Is only your stuff.

Some of the stuff? Is "our" stuff like a shared responsibility. All of the things cannot be "our" stuff.

You are the one there. Only you can tell if this is "growing pains" like learning how to do poly together while still maintaining personal boundaries.

Or if this is something else.

Galagirl
 
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Dear LucyRain123,

I have quite recently found myself in a similar situation: my meta Brianna and partner Arthur broke up because - though she had initially agreed on a non-hirarchical poly-style - Brianna found herself wanting to be a primary. As I had entered the realtionship with the clear mindset of non-hirarchical (or co-primary) this put Arthur in an awkward situation: Brianna didn't want her relationship to be put "down" on the same level as mine (she perceive the lenghy time she and Arthur had spend should give her certain privileges), I wanted to be an equal partner to her (the right to be present at birthdays, the perspective of meeting his family, eventually maybe cohabiting,...).
Though a lot of other issues (not all poly related) played into the breakup, I felt I also was left to pick up the pieces... Which I found extremely hard to do, as I felt guilty about the breakup, angry of both of their behaviours, slighted by Arturs grief. Everything I said or did just spiraled this and felt like "meddeling" in their (although ending still present) relationship.I have come to believe that breakups should be handeled like any other relationship in a V - the hinge has to manage it in a way that the drama on one side dosn't spill over into the other.
Your partner needs to learn to handle the "spillover-effects" better and staining your relationship. Find a way to communicate that this has to stop.
Arthur and I had the rule "When you are with me, you are with me and only with me." during the first month after the breakup.
I sucked it up when he cancled dates, took time away from me or went online-MIA for a while. In exchange the time he spend with me was unburdened by the breakup. When the immediate drama and pain had ceased a little, we created room for us to talk about the breakup and how it had affected both of us in a counceling environment.

So I guess my advise would be to treat the breakup like you would in a mono-relationship: have him rely on his friends and family to deal with it, not on you. If he is not able to overcome his grief with their help, try counselling (alone or as a couple, the therapis will be able to advise you on how to do it). Give him time and space to work through it and set clear lines for when the spillover is hitting.
Good luck and know that my heart really goes out to you!
 
LucyRain123 said:
Hi everyone,
So ill give you some background first –

My primary partner have been together about 3 and a half years….last summer he came to me broaching the idea of polyamory and opening up our relationship (until then we had been monogamous without any discussion).
I agreed to give it a go….it made complete sense on paper, I just wasn’t sure if I would be able to deal with the emotions and jealousy, but we decided that we would either have to break up then (if I wasn’t prepared to give it a go, as he believes its an intrinsic part of him), or give it a go, and see if it could work for us.

So nothing happened for a year as he was doing his teacher training and was extremely busy, and didn’t feel he had time for new relationships. When he finished in July, he began meeting up with a female friend he had met on the course (they had been on one placement together so became fairly close).
After going for a coffee with her one day, he told me that they had discussed lifestyle choices….he had brought up polyamory and she had discussed having been in open relationships previously, but she was currently in a fairly volatile abusive monogamous relationship (or at least still living with that partner although they weren’t officially together…)

Soooo…..(sorry this is so long!!) after that conversation, my partner messaged her and told her that he had feelings for her, which she reciprocated, and they met up again to talk about everything….deciding at that point only to be friends because of her situation.
About 2 days later she moved out of her mono partners house back in with her parents, and she and my partner began dating. This went really well for a few weeks, my partner was really happy and excited, and although there were some issues my end trying to process all the ‘firsts’ and getting my head round everything, it seemed to be going well….(apart from having nowhere to go to be intimate….her parents apparently wasn’t an option, and although the last few weeks I had agreed she could come to the house we share together, I wasn’t comfortable with anything happening in our bed).

The last 2/3 weeks however have been really difficult….my partner gets quite anxious, and his new girlfriend began ‘passively ghostling’ him….going from really long message conversations to one word replies, arranging to meet up then cancelling, and in my opinion being quite cruel.
When they spoke about it, it turned out that she is open to the idea of non-monogamy, but she wants to be someone’s primary partner, to cohabit and eventually have children ect ect…..I found this very threatening…especially as my primary seemed so into her, but I did my best to be as supportive as possible, even when she was phoning for long chats on nights which were specifically ours ect.

So as I said, there was lots of passive ghosting going on, and on Tuesday they spoke, going back and forth back and forth about their situation until my partner thought that she wanted to end it, and sent her a message saying goodbye….this didn’t go down well her end and then yesterday morning she messaged him agreeing that it had to end “for the sake of his relationship” meaning mine and his (Am I wrong to be really REALLY pissed and threatened by this??!)

He is completely heartbroken, and although its only been about 6 weeks of actual ‘dating’, he seems completely broken by this.
When he got home yesterday, he sat me down and told me that he doesn’t know if we should be together because he feels like there are pieces missing from our relationship, and he doesn’t find me attractive. He doesn’t feel that we have passion, that we are more like best friends.

This is the part which I need some advice on...have you ever taken your sadness out on a partner after splitting up with someone? I am absolutely gutted that he feels like this, but part of me is thinking that he is really hurting and people lash out at the people they love. I am so so hurt right now, and I think in a way that he thinks he deserves to be alone and lonely as punishment for hurting both me and his girlfriend….but I have told him that we aren’t making any decisions about our relationship while everything is so fresh….we need to have a few weeks for things to settle and to think things through properly.

Any advice at all on aftermath of break ups would be so valuable to me! I was meant to be going on a date with someone I’ve been chatting to for ages on Sunday, but I’ve cancelled because it wouldn’t be fair to drag them in on this mess, it all just feels very unfair right now.
Thanks in advance xxxx
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My guess is that they had conversations about her need for her a primary partner and his unavailability and she made it clear that she would give up their relationship to find what she ultimately wants. He wants you in his life and for a while, polyamory was a way to have both but whether or not he is poly, having his relationships structured in a way where he could not do the things that they want to do (nest etc). So, he chooses the person he is more compatible with and unfortunately that is her.

Maybe his lashes feel extra powerful because he's upset about the break up but I do think this conclusion is valid and sound for him. Even if he thinks he could have delivered it better.
 
Being all swept up in NRE, and then having it end is extremely hard.

But I think it's very sad that he told you he was no longer attracted to you, after all your support.

It sounds like you bent over backwards, maybe much more than you should have, technically, during his new relationship. He used you for support, you gave up couple time for him and he gf, he told you many details of what was going on with them...

Only for him to "thank you" by telling you he isn't into you anymore!

That sucks.

Was there an indication the romance was lessening between you before he got all embroiled with the new person?
 
Hello LucyRain123,

It sounds like your primary partner's recent ex is using her hold over him to make him want to hurt you. I would feel super pissed and threatened by that. Like she is saying, "I am doing this for you, for your relationship," but in reality she is being mean and sarcastic.

So he is talking about breaking up with you, but maybe he is only acting out because he is hurt, and he is even punishing himself for hurting both of you ... if so, then there may be a chance of saving your relationship with him, if you can get him to admit that. In a few weeks, I would suggest that you sit down and have a long talk with him. Do not let him so easily give up on your relationship with him.

On the other hand, if he is going to treat you like this when you've done nothing wrong (but his recent ex has), then maybe for that reason alone he is unfit to be a partner with you. I would not decide that right away, I would wait a few weeks and then see how I feel after that.

His recent ex has definitely damaged your relationship. :mad: :( I hope you can repair it.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Kindalosthere said:
Dear LucyRain123,
So I guess my advise would be to treat the breakup like you would in a mono-relationship: have him rely on his friends and family to deal with it, not on you. If he is not able to overcome his grief with their help, try counselling (alone or as a couple, the therapis will be able to advise you on how to do it). Give him time and space to work through it and set clear lines for when the spillover is hitting.
Good luck and know that my heart really goes out to you!
Click to expand...

Hi Kindalosthere! Thankyou so much for your reply! Firstly I hope things with Arthur are improving and you guys are a lot more comfortable in your relationship again.
I think you are completely right about the hinges....I think I have been far too close to him....being the only person basically he has had to speak to about everything. I need to take a step back, and he needs to stop talking to me as if i'm not involved.

Im finding it hard to get my head round the feeling that he would leave me for her tomorrow if he didn't feel obligated, but thats just something that will ease or decide the route of our relationship. xxxxxxxxxxxx
 
Magdlyn said:
Being all swept up in NRE, and then having it end is extremely hard.

Was there an indication the romance was lessening between you before he got all embroiled with the new person?
Click to expand...

Thank you Magdlyn :)
He did seem full to the brim of NRE!! Im trying my best to support him, but as 'Kindalosthere' said earlier, maybe the best thing i can do is take a step back and give him some space.

Romance and intimacy has always been there, sex has been an issue in the past....he has explained to me that he looses his sex drive when he is in long term relationships, but ironically it had actually improved since he had become less busy and stressed, which also coincided with us first dipping our feet into polyamory. xxxxx
 
kdt26417 said:
Hello LucyRain123,

It sounds like your primary partner's recent ex is using her hold over him to make him want to hurt you. I would feel super pissed and threatened by that. Like she is saying, "I am doing this for you, for your relationship," but in reality she is being mean and sarcastic.

So he is talking about breaking up with you, but maybe he is only acting out because he is hurt, and he is even punishing himself for hurting both of you ... if so, then there may be a chance of saving your relationship with him, if you can get him to admit that. In a few weeks, I would suggest that you sit down and have a long talk with him. Do not let him so easily give up on your relationship with him.

On the other hand, if he is going to treat you like this when you've done nothing wrong (but his recent ex has), then maybe for that reason alone he is unfit to be a partner with you. I would not decide that right away, I would wait a few weeks and then see how I feel after that.

His recent ex has definitely damaged your relationship. :mad: :( I hope you can repair it.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Kevin, I can't express how reassuring reading your post was!! This is all how i feel, and I don't want to just let our relationship go without at least trying to work through it!!

I do understand how his ex must be feeling, its just an impossible situation, I just feel betrayed by my partner because he cant seem to see anything but sunshine coming out of her arse!!!

Thankyou again :)
 
Yes, he does not realize that she is manipulating the situation. I mean she is probably mad that he is breaking up with her, so, she is taking it out on you.
 
I could be wrong, but I don't read it that way -- like she's manipulating.

It's only been 6 weeks. She's just broken up with abusive guy and moved back in with parents to get away from him. Those are big adjustments.

She starts poly dating this new guy. (Why I don't know, because poly is also a big adjusment. While pile things on yourself like that?)

She wants a primary of her own, and this guy isn't it. He already has a primary. So maybe she's cooling off on him. Maybe she's trying to decide what to do. Maybe she's having second thoughts about dating so soon. The only one who knows is her.

The BF gets all anxious and thinking she's heading toward dumping him. So he dumps her first. She's upset, but agrees this is not a match. So it's over.

So....

I think BF could have skipped dating her. One doesn't date the recently widowed, divorced, leaving abuse, etc person. They have a LOT on their plate and a lot of healing to do. They might be sad, they have stuff come up and need to cancel plans, etc.

HE chooses to date a person with a lot on their plate.
HE chooses to dump her first fearing she was gonna dump him.
HE chooses to act out at established partner.

That's on HIM. It's his behavior, not any doing of the recent exGF. Not any doing of the established partner.

LucyRain123 said:
I agreed to give it a go….it made complete sense on paper, I just wasn’t sure if I would be able to deal with the emotions and jealousy, but we decided that we would either have to break up then (if I wasn’t prepared to give it a go, as he believes its an intrinsic part of him), or give it a go, and see if it could work for us.
Click to expand...

I think BF could get it together. He is hurting both partners with his behaviors. LucyRain123 has been generous and supportive when she could have just said "No thanks" to changing the relationship model.

LucyRain123 said:
This is the part which I need some advice on...have you ever taken your sadness out on a partner after splitting up with someone? I am absolutely gutted that he feels like this, but part of me is thinking that he is really hurting and people lash out at the people they love. I am so so hurt right now, and I think in a way that he thinks he deserves to be alone and lonely as punishment for hurting both me and his girlfriend….but I have told him that we aren’t making any decisions about our relationship while everything is so fresh….we need to have a few weeks for things to settle and to think things through properly.
Click to expand...

LucyRain123 is well within her rights to decide it's not worth it if he's gonna behave all wacky.

She herself is going through a big adjustment in her life (changing from mono to poly and trying to be supportive). And BF is acting like he's the only one having to deal with problems and adjustments.

Like not just NRE high, but also tunnel vision like all about him and his problems, and not paying attention to what's going on with others.

Galagirl
 
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I dunno. I know it sucks, but I wouldn't want to be in a romantic relationship with someone who told me that they weren't attracted to me, and thought of me just as a friend.

You deserve so much better than that. When someone tells you something that cold and cruel, I wouldn't think there is much going back from that. Either they really feel that way and you should end it because that's not healthy, or else they're just being deliberately cruel and not caring about your feelings and you should end it because that's not healthy either.

It's not okay to be emotionally abused by a partner, whatever the reason. I kind of feel like you're glossing over this. It has nothing to do with your ex metamour. It's all about the way your partner is treating YOU.
 
I agree. I don't see waiting around for things to improve. I would start putting things in place to exit the relationship.

Leetah
 
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