Partner's family indifferent about my existence

mountaingirl

Active member
Lol I know the title is super dramatic but that's how I'm feeling. Today I woke up and J (husband) was texting P(boyfriend)’s sister a playlist that he made for her, and they text all the time. (context: P’s sister dated a really good friend of J’s and that’s how they know each other. They’re not together anymore but J said that he considers her to be like his sister.) When things between me and P were being figured out, P called his sister crying, looking to just vent to someone and talk about his feelings for me and how difficult transitioning to a different type of relationship was at the time for all 3 of us. She literally thought I was pregnant when he called crying (lol) if that says anything about what she thinks about me. This was a year ago btw but I’m pretty sure it influenced her view of me; she told me P never gets emotional like that so she was worried.

Now we’re all about to hang out a music festival and while I’m looking forward to getting time to spend around her/get to know her, she really had never been nice to me or ever taken the time to get to know me (either as J or P’s partner; I've known her for >3 years now) and I’ve reached out before. Idk just feels like best case scenario she doesn’t give a shit about me and worst case she wishes I wasn’t around. This kind of shit frustrates me because although we all live far from home, I’ve always wanted some kind of connection to P’s family. I am aware that it won’t look like a mono relationship, but even if his family just asked about me the way mine does about him it would be cool (and I haven't had to be out to my family for that to happen!). Another thing to consider is that P is not super close with his family, so I’m not even sure we would be close regardless. I don’t know, just feeling lots of emotions right now.

I talked to P and J about this. J’s take seems to be that I haven’t had enough time to hang out with P’s sister, so of course I don’t feel close with her. P just said “honestly I think she’s totally indifferent” which is better than her hating me but definitely not ideal. I don’t feel great about being a satellite in P’s life (at least regarding family) because of the nature of our relationship. It doesn't help that J has a relationship with P's sister; I kinda just feel like the odd man out but can't reach out to her without making it weird since we're not "out". I think part of my frustration also comes from the fact that P called his sibling and also his dad when he was upset as this was all happening a year ago, but now that everything is going well he is not even remotely interested in starting a conversation with his family/old friends. I can't force someone to come out, and I haven't done that with my family either, but I have been clear with my parents and siblings that P is living with me indefinitely and is very important to me.
 
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Hi mountaingirl,

That sounds frustrating, that P's family doesn't seem to care for/about you, and they never ask about you, when you have reached out to them. Maybe they're just more formal, and don't get close to each other. It sounds like the main problem is P's sister, how she is indifferent towards you which is better than hating you but is not ideal. And of course it makes it worse that she has a relationship with J but not with you. No wonder you're feeling frustrated.

I take it she does not know about your poly relationship with P. Maybe she thinks you're "just a friend," which makes it not so important (in her mind) for her to get to know you well. That's a tricky situation. If you outed yourselves to her, you'd probably be outing yourselves to everyone, and I don't think you're ready to do that. But maybe you wish that P would tell his family that you're very important to him?

Maybe the music festival will help some. I hope so.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
take it she does not know about your poly relationship with P. Maybe she thinks you're "just a friend," which makes it not so important (in her mind) for her to get to know you well.
She definitely knows that at one point we were more than friends, but P has not told her anything since about a year ago. I do think his family is pretty formal, but J is super sociable ... so she's been getting closer and closer with J ever since she stopped dating J's friend but we still don't talk. P asked if it would make me feel better if he just told his sister where we're at now, but that feels so forced? I told him I really am just frustrated by this and don't see a solution on the horizon. I take solace knowing that everything is awesome between the 3 of us, regardless of how close I may or may not be with P's family.
Maybe the music festival will help some. I hope so.
I hope so too! Maybe I just need to spend more time with her, and maybe she'll understand more once she sees me and P and J hanging out? When I reached out to her she was in a shitty relationship, so maybe that's why she never reciprocated. Who knows lol. Thanks Kevin :) I have a lot of anxiety associated with P's family judging me because of the limited info that he's told them. Also unfortunately most people don't have a great view of a woman that's involved with two guys, especially if they're friends. I could definitely stop preemptively judging myself through their eyes tho.
 
If he's not close to his family, why would you expect to be? If you're not out, how are they supposed to know to invest effort in you like they (might) do for other partners?

I get that it can feel alienating, but that's the price of being in the closet. Building up any kind of resentment when you're the one not really being fully honest isn't very helpful, in my experience.

I wasn't close to my partner Boy's family for years. Now I talk to some of them more than he does, but it's because he's been more open, I've been involved in family events consistently, and they know it's not just some phase he's going through (a few were definitely concerned at first that he was dating someone already married). It takes that openness and consistency to get some families to open up.

I guess my advice is to reevaluate why it's necessary to hide the relationship. Is it really necessary or is it just more comfortable to avoid forthright conversations?
 
That's not even their real sister. She's some chick who is a friend's ex. Who cares what she thinks? You're in a relationship with these two men, not her. She's probably jealous.

I'm sorry, but you lost me at "music festival".
 
That's not even their real sister. She's some chick who is a friend's ex. Who cares what she thinks? You're in a relationship with these two men, not her. She's probably jealous.

I'm sorry, but you lost me at "music festival".
You're saying this sister she refers to is not P's blood sister, but just a friend/"sister"?

I happen to love music festivals and I am just sad I am getting too old to attend them comfortably lol
 
You're saying this sister she refers to is not P's blood sister, but just a friend/"sister"?

From the OP's OP:

(context: P’s sister dated a really good friend of J’s and that’s how they know each other. They’re not together anymore but J said that he considers her to be like his sister.)
So I guess that's what "the poly community" would call "chosen family", although "P is not super close with his family", so I guess there's some room for interpretation?

"Spelling and grammar are technically correct, but the phrasing is unusual and it is not possible to determine the intended meaning."

You really need to get in there and read the fine print.

I happen to love music festivals and I am just sad I am getting too old to attend them comfortably lol
😆
 
Yeah, but we are talking about P's actual blood sister. J's relationship with her (close enough to call her a "sister") is a bit besides the point. (I'm not enough in the habit nor do I have time to always go back and read old posts to get clues on a current situation.

Mountaingirl wants to be closer friends with her SO's actual sister. Whether that sister wants to be closer with Mountaingirl remains to be seen. I can see how it feels awkward. But if MG and P were to take the time to clue her in on the depth of their relationship, and how MG wants to be closer with sister (even if P doesn't particularly want to be closer with her, himself) I think it would help move things forward, even if the ideal of one big happy family remains out of reach.
 
Yeah, but we are talking about P's actual blood sister. J's relationship with her (close enough to call her a "sister") is a bit besides the point. (I'm not enough in the habit nor do I have time to always go back and read old posts to get clues on a current situation.

I'm all mixed up from the use of letters instead of names, as usual. OP, would you please use full-word names for J and P? How about Jelly and Peanut? If you don't pick a name, Gala Girl will use Jelly and Peanut when she comes along to give you her report on this situation.
Mountaingirl wants to be closer friends with her SO's actual sister. Whether that sister wants to be closer with Mountaingirl remains to be seen. I can see how it feels awkward. But if MG and P were to take the time to clue her in on the depth of their relationship, and how MG wants to be closer with sister (even if P doesn't particularly want to be closer with her, himself) I think it would help move things forward, even if the ideal of one big happy family remains out of reach.
It's funny because my husband has five sisters and I'm not really close with any of them. None of them hate me though, so maybe if they did, I'd want to hang out with them more. IDK.
 
I hope you feel better for the vent.

You sound like you envy J developing a relationship with P's sister because you crave that closeness with her for yourself. Is that true?

Issue:
I have a lot of anxiety associated with P's family judging me because of the limited info that he's told them.

Possible solutions offered:
P asked if it would make me feel better if he just told his sister where we're at now

P was willing to tell his sister he dates you now. And let her know you are important to him.

You declined this option.

Also unfortunately most people don't have a great view of a woman that's involved with two guys, especially if they're friends. I could definitely stop preemptively judging myself through their eyes tho.

You seem to be more willing to work on this one first. So... work on that.

And try to keep the other part simpler on you. You can try to get to know her at the music festival. Have a nice time there. And let it unfold how it will.

As for getting to know the rest of P's family? That also can unfold how it does, one person at a time.

Another thing to consider is that P is not super close with his family, so I’m not even sure we would be close regardless.

So maybe you wanting to be close with his family isn't a realistic want right now?

And you accept that your family has a more sociable style and will ask about P and J when they call.

And P's family doesn't ask. They have another style.

Maybe over time it changes. Maybe not.

If the goal is to reduce your anxiety? I think shrinking your scope might help reduce the stress. Being polite and friendly with sister at the festival seems reasonable, doable, and within reach.

Dealing with the whole rest of his family? Maybe too many people, and not right now. Could put that on the shelf for now, esp when P himself is not esp close with his family.

Maybe going in baby steps helps you manage the emotions/anxiety a bit better?

Galagirl
 
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Is there another post with more information. I've never been so confused
There for sure is, I've posted before but sometimes am unsure how much I should repeat every time I post so sorry for that
 
If he's not close to his family, why would you expect to be? If you're not out, how are they supposed to know to invest effort in you like they (might) do for other partners?
Yeah, although I have met his family I am still realizing they are not as close as say, my family or Joe ("J's" official name from now on! My bad for using letters lol). It's taking time to figure out what parts of our relationship are like that because we're poly and what parts would be that way regardless.
I get that it can feel alienating, but that's the price of being in the closet. Building up any kind of resentment when you're the one not really being fully honest isn't very helpful, in my experience.
word. I was just piling it on, I guess and that's my bad. No use resenting something I can't change. Still figuring out what is within my control in this relatively new relationship.
(a few were definitely concerned at first that he was dating someone already married). It takes that openness and consistency to get some families to open up.
this! I know this has to be on their mind. Especially his abuela (who I'm actually close with, probably the only person in his fam he opens up to) definitely seems worried about it (she has a clue but again the conversation has never actually been had). I'm wondering if having the convo at least with her and/or Peanut's (P!) sister would help at all. I think his sister could be trusted to not talk about it with the rest of the family until we were ready for that.
 
I'm all mixed up from the use of letters instead of names, as usual. OP, would you please use full-word names for J and P? How about Jelly and Peanut? If you don't pick a name, Gala Girl will use Jelly and Peanut when she comes along to give you her report on this situation.

It's funny because my husband has five sisters and I'm not really close with any of them. None of them hate me though, so maybe if they did, I'd want to hang out with them more. IDK.
started using joe and peanut! sorry about that.
It's not so much the thinking she hates me part; the fact that joe is close with her has me focusing on my relationship with her more.
 
You sound like you envy J developing a relationship with P's sister because you crave that closeness with her for yourself. Is that true?
Yes! I have virtually no relationship with P's family right now, and because Joe and P's sister are both nurses and hung out for a couple years before Joe and I started dating it has been much easier for him to cultivate a relationship with her. We all live far away now and I don't even know if being close is a possibility and I just kind of have to accept that. But I'm still sitting on whether I need to accept P's family just not knowing at all who I am to him. The fact that P's sister and Joe are close has just made me think about it more. I'm comparing and I shouldn't.
If the goal is to reduce your anxiety? I think shrinking your scope might help reduce the stress. Being polite and friendly with sister at the festival seems reasonable, doable, and within reach.
Probably a good call. I kind of lumped her in with the rest of his family, because, again, my family works more as a unit. But P's could be and probably is totally different. I definitely saw this music festival as ULTIMATE TEST OF WHETHER ALL OF P'S FAMILY LIKES ME !!!1!! or whatever.
I hope you feel better for the vent.
I do lol. today is much better.
 
Just to be clear, the sister is your boyfriend Peanut's actual sister, and your husband Joe is also close enough friends with her that he considers her to be like a sister to him?

Sorry for my confusion LOL.
 
Just to be clear, the sister is your boyfriend Peanut's actual sister, and your husband Joe is also close enough friends with her that he considers her to be like a sister to him?

Sorry for my confusion LOL.
No need to apologize. You said what the rest of us are all wondering.
 
Just to be clear, the sister is your boyfriend Peanut's actual sister, and your husband Joe is also close enough friends with her that he considers her to be like a sister to him?

Sorry for my confusion LOL.
yep!
 
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