Partner's Jealousy - Advice Needed

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Blank

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Me and a male partner had just recently stepped into the polyamory realm which also covers non-monogamy along with it.

Though this isn't regarding a date with a potential new romantic partner, this is regarding me potentially meeting up with someone in the kink community as a potential kink exploration partner/mentor.

He is feeling a tint of jealousy. I had two long conversation with him where both him and I identified the situation, deconstructed our jealousy to see our base insecurities regarding the matter and reassuring each other.

Just today he and I had also revised our personal definition of cheating, rules and boundaries as well.

His fear is of being replaced if someone I met is more interesting than he is. (A fear I personally have if it's the other way around as well. Although I'm the less jealous one in this rs where we are both not the jealous type.)

I was thinking if there are any ways besides what I have done above to help him to deal with his jealousy?

He had put his jealousy on the table when it surfaced. He only felt a small amount currently but I just wish to be ae to support him better as he does the work he have to do by himself. We are both insecure individuals and overthinkers thus my concern for the smallest thing surfacing during the transition.

Although this had only happened a day ago and this is the first time I'll be potentially meeting potential partner/mentor (of a kink variety) thus he himself isn't certain if the jealousy would kick in full blast.

I'm currently empathizing with him while trying to reason that I should feel no guilt as it's within what we have established and agreed on. If there's any advice for coping with guilt/bad feelings when a partner is dealing with jealousy, do leave it down below as well.

Much thanks from an anxious potato trying to make the transition as smooth and painless as possible.
 
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Forays into kink can open up a world of new experiences and consequently a hell of a lot of previously unexplored feelings.

Your situation reminds me of what I went through when beginning to explore kink and how goddamn frustrating it was for me. Funny how my husband remembers it differently...

Good news, I'm still close with my mentor/play partner.

You write that you're both not the jealous type. Then you say you are both insecure individuals.

Which is it?

How can you help your partner? Well, be home when you say you will. Don't spend every spare moment on your phone texting your mentor (oops). Schedule a weekly date, like proper date date with your current partner. Phone away. Full attention.

As for dealing with your guilt, sorry, I can't help as I never felt any. I only felt frustrated every time I agreed to put the brakes on any of my new connections. Eventually, we got to a place of complete sexual autonomy. So much easier.
 
Evie said:
Forays into kink can open up a world of new experiences and consequently a hell of a lot of previously unexplored feelings.

Your situation reminds me of what I went through when beginning to explore kink and how goddamn frustrating it was for me. Funny how my husband remembers it differently...

Good news, I'm still close with my mentor/play partner.

You write that you're both not the jealous type. Then you say you are both insecure individuals.

Which is it?

How can you help your partner? Well, be home when you say you will. Don't spend every spare moment on your phone texting your mentor (oops). Schedule a weekly date, like proper date date with your current partner. Phone away. Full attention.

As for dealing with your guilt, sorry, I can't help as I never felt any. I only felt frustrated every time I agreed to put the brakes on any of my new connections. Eventually, we got to a place of complete sexual autonomy. So much easier.
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I believe that insecurity doesn't necessarily result in jealousy 100%. Like me being insecure about my physical appearance doesnt necessarily make me jealous of another's appearance. I may instead admire the other's appearance. Point being that our insecurity may add to our jealousy but we aren't the type to feel jealousy strongly in the first place. Thus the insecurities is something we are also working on individually.

And the following advice you gave is what we have always done. My sundays are always reserved for him unless either of us communicated beforehand otherwise. We never have a need for our phones during dates other than emergency calls or sudden errands instruction from family members.

I was just wondering if there are any other advices other than what I have currently been doing and managing with my partner. Perhaps it's time that we all need as we repeatedly face jealousy so that it gets easier over time?

How long did your rs take until that particular frustration is mostly resolved? I feel guilt due to the fact that I hate causing any type of emotional harm. I do also feel a minor degree of frustration but helping my partner to deal with jealousy comes first.
 
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How long did it take from starting to add kink until it was all chill? About the same length of time it took for him to also find a kinky girlfriend. Honestly, parity helped A LOT.

Sorry I advised you to do things you were already doing, I didn't see mention of these in your OP. My bad.

As for the fear of being replaced, well, my experience was that eventually we had the conversation that there is absolutely no guarantee of happily ever after and either of us could choose to end the relationship because it's not working for us. Thing is, we both are of the opinion that that wouldn't occur because of a third party. It would be because something between US wasn't reparable. We are both aware that a third party could appear to offer an easier/more appealing/ whatever is better life. But there's nothing wrong enough between us that we'd trade in our current lives lock, stock and barrel. Poly means we can have as many fulfilling relationships as our time and resources allow. Why would we replace each other when we can have both or more when our relationship is great. (Likewise I wouldn't replace my long distance partner either). Really, that sense of security can't be given, it has to be found within oneself.
 
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Evie said:
How long did it take from starting to add kink until it was all chill? About the same length of time it took for him to also find a kinky girlfriend. Honestly, parity helped A LOT.

Sorry I advised you to do things you were already doing, I didn't see mention of these in your OP. My bad.

As for the fear of being replaced, well, my experience was that eventually we had the conversation that there is absolutely no guarantee of happily ever after and either of us could choose to end the relationship because it's not working for us. Thing is, we both are of the opinion that that wouldn't occur because of a third party. It would be because something between US wasn't reparable. We are both aware that a third party could appear to offer an easier/more appealing/ whatever is better life. But there's nothing wrong enough between that we'd trade in our current lives lock, stock and barrel. Poly means we can have as many fulfilling relationships as our time and resources allow. Why would we replace each other when we can have both or more when our relationship is great. (Likewise I wouldn't replace my long distance partner either). Really, that sense of security can't be given, it has to be found within oneself.
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Oh I see, thank you! Could you clarify on the parity part? I googled it but I'm unsure of how it is applied or what it's influence is.
 
When our dating status was equal...that is when we both had extramarital partners, it was easier on him once he also had a new love interest. He then realised that our marriage wasn't going to disintegrate just because we had other partners.
 
Evie said:
When our dating status was equal...that is when we both had extramarital partners, it was easier on him once he also had a new love interest. He then realised that our marriage wasn't going to disintegrate just because we had other partners.
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Ah I see now. I do hope my partner find himself a date or so as well but we both are having no luck individually :') Oh well, our own times will come. I'll just continue doing what I've been doing while looking over the situation. Thank you for sharing your experience and advices! I really appreciate it and see that there can be light at the end of similar but different tunmels.
 
Blank said:
I believe that insecurity doesn't necessarily result in jealousy 100%. Like me being insecure about my physical appearance doesnt necessarily make me jealous of another's appearance. I may instead admire the other's appearance. Point being that our insecurity may add to our jealousy but we aren't the type to feel jealousy strongly in the first place. Thus the insecurities is something we are also working on individually.
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This is mainly just a semantic distinction, but when we are secure with our position and what we have to offer, we don't generally have to grapple with fears about the future.

When I am secure in my relationship, I know that what I have to offer my partner is valuable to them, and I know that what we have is healthy and is set up for long term happiness and flourishing. Changes in our environment (like them taking on a new partner), don't cause pangs of jealousy when I am completely secure. When I am not secure in my relationship it means I have underlying fears that I have a shortcoming or have limited value to offer.

This is why the fear that our partner will leave us for someone better is, in fact, a sign of insecurity.

Blank said:
Perhaps it's time that we all need as we repeatedly face jealousy so that it gets easier over time?
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That is my take on your situation.

Relationship insecurity is just one of those things that most people experience when there is a big change. Most of us don't have those muscles well exercised so we're just going to have to work through the discomfort until it becomes a strength instead of a weakness.
 
I feel guilt due to the fact that I hate causing any type of emotional harm. I do also feel a minor degree of frustration but helping my partner to deal with jealousy comes first.
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FWIW, This is what stood out to me.

Presumably you both want to be at this place and you both made your agreements for exploring open/poly/kink.

Presumably partner is prepared to undergo this, is going there of their own volition, and and willing to deal with whatever growing pains they might experience.

So... why's any of that on your shoulders as your responsibility? Why are you feeling guilty? You haven't done any crime.

If a partner experiences some discomfort when doing a new thing? Well... isn't that a reasonable expectation of doing new things? That there might be some discomfort? And if they experience this... how is that you being mean to them or causing them pain somehow? You didn't MAKE them undertake this new thing. They could have said "No, thanks" and they continue to be free to say "Well, I said I'd try it. Having tried it? Not for me. I'm bowing out."

I suggest you read

medium.com

The Most Skipped Step When Opening a Relationship

You’ve had hundreds of hours of discussions on what your open relationship will look like? Check!
medium.com medium.com

And think about how it might apply to detangling emotionally, and perhaps practicing some emotional detachment.

Not like you do not care about your partner at all. But that your partner is responsible for their own emotional management. And you are responsible for yours. If they ask for reasonable and rational help? Then you might help. But if not reasonable? Not rational? It's ok to say "No, thanks. I am not willing to do that."

Neither of you can magically make the other person's feelings go away. Some feelings are fun to feel (happy, excited). Some are not as fun to feel.(sad, mad, scared). Sunny days or stormy skies? Hopefully all pass with time.

All you can do it bear witness to their experience and be supportive from the side if they ask for reasonable and rational help. It's not like you can do their emotional work FOR them or take it on board for yourself. YKWIM?

You personally do not have to carry the weight of everyone's else's stuff on YOUR shoulders. Where did you learn this?

Galagirl
 
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Marcus said:
This is mainly just a semantic distinction, but when we are secure with our position and what we have to offer, we don't generally have to grapple with fears about the future.

When I am secure in my relationship, I know that what I have to offer my partner is valuable to them, and I know that what we have is healthy and is set up for long term happiness and flourishing. Changes in our environment (like them taking on a new partner), don't cause pangs of jealousy when I am completely secure. When I am not secure in my relationship it means I have underlying fears that I have a shortcoming or have limited value to offer.

This is why the fear that our partner will leave us for someone better is, in fact, a sign of insecurity.



That is my take on your situation.

Relationship insecurity is just one of those things that most people experience when there is a big change. Most of us don't have those muscles well exercised so we're just going to have to work through the discomfort until it becomes a strength instead of a weakness.
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I agree with the latter and after another conversation things is still going smoothly. I also agree with your first point but I meant to say that insecurities don't often cause jealousy. Personally it cause me to worry than to be jealous in many cases. I was highly concerned although things were actually fine yesterday as throughout my life, people have often seen me as a difficult person to deal with and my family would always say back then that no one will like me the way I am thus concern that if I am causing any sort of emotional harm and inconvenience I may just be dropped.

I'm getting better at that but I'm still adjusting to how people actually do care and appreciate my presence despite how occasionally I may be difficult (in a I can be overwhelmed way or I have a different opinion way which is really how everyone can be but it's still a progress of getting that into my head since family are often a reminder that they frown upon my perspective and behavior that constantly juxtapose against their traditional asian bs and their own bs views like how a button-up shirt was called a male's clothing piece.) And berating me for any small mistakes I make without giving me the chance to resolve the issue first (like spilling a cup of water feels like a nuke had been dropped on me.)

So I'm still getting used to believing that people would actually love me as me instead of rather dropping me if I even cause them any sort of inconvenience. It's been progressing well but I'm still panicky at times. Thank you for the latter though, I see it working but it'll just need time I suppose. :'>
 
Personally it cause me to worry than to be jealous in many cases.
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If you don't see jealousy as worrying about a relationship ending because of another person, how do you define jealousy?
 
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Evie said:
If you don't see jealousy as worrying about a relationship ending because of another person, how do you define jealousy?
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It's something that feels like an emotional sharp jab? For me worrying is worry, jealousy is a emotional semi/sharp jab that I feel. They can overlay eachother in cases of jealousy though. Or maybe because I broke down jealousy to insecurities so most of the time I just feel the worry instead of the jealousy jab? I'm not sure, I believe it can feel different for different people? Or the way we will describe is different?

But since I always lay them all on the table, does it need a firm definition if they will be looked at with care ome way or another?
 
Ahh, gotcha. Emotion: jealousy (fear), Action: worry.
 
PolAmy said:
Could we please call male human beings men? Thank you.
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"Male partner" is grammatically correct as male is being used as an adjective. When the terms "males" or "females" are used as nouns, rather than "men" or "women" then there are reasonable grounds to request an adjustment of language. But we wouldn't say "man partner" so in this case the OP is just fine.
 
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PolAmy said:
@Blank

Could we please call male human beings men? Thank you.
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I- that would be your preference I guess? Personally I prefer to be called female instead of a women , my partner does the same just with male. I never knew that it's to be an issue.

Funnily I feel more comfortable calling others or being called myself as (gender) human being than just men and women as well. Perhaps it is a preference case. I can't satisfy everyone however in terms of phrasing although if they personally requested so I would respect that so no worries. It's like female friend than women friend too. The only situation it works is like girlfriend boyfriend maybe?
 
Blank said:
I- that would be your preference I guess? Personally I prefer to be called female instead of a women , my partner does the same just with male. I never knew that it's to be an issue.
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There isn't anything wrong with the words you are using, nor the context.

Please proceed, no need to adjust your language.
 
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