Perspective Needed to Overcome Jealousy Please

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ReikiGal

New member
Hello, I'm new here.

Honestly, I found this forum out of desperation. I'm hoping to connect with people who will help me regain my sanity.

Here is my story. I started dating a man ten, almost eleven, years ago. We talked about poly and both of us were open to it. On occasion we did swing. He, for whatever reason said he wanted us to be exclusive. Turned out he wasn't, I was. When I realized it and he wouldn't come clean we broke up (after too much arguing and lies) 2 1/2 years in.

2 1/2 years later and after what I believed was a lot of growth, we reconnected.

I held no illusions about his faithfulness, held an open space for poly possibilities and waited.

Two months ago (after being together this time for 5 1/2 years) he finally decided to offer transparency. Long, long story shortened a little, for mostly the whole time we have been together, he has been seeing a married woman. She is in a relationship where it is ok for either of them to see other women, but not for her to see other men, not that that has stopped her, obviously. She has maintained that she has been prepping her husband for the last five years that she will be in an open marriage before she is 40 (March 2017). Before even meeting her, I expressed concerns about that whole scenario.

Right before I met her for the first time, he shared with her what I consider to be a very intimate moment between us, one he promised would be just something we shared.

When I found out unintentionally, not because he was being transparent, I freaked more than a little. I felt deeply betrayed. He said, it was because he loved me so much, he wanted to share me with her and for her to see how wonderful I was. That motivation is beyond my comprehension.

She also started seeing another man about a month before I knew of her. For some reason, my partner felt as though he deserved her loyalty and transparency from her and he went off the deep end with jealousy when he realized he was betrayed (not the first time by her, either).

I know, could it be more complicated? Turns out, it can. So several weeks ago I had a moment of awakening. Up until this point she and I had been getting along famously. It suddenly dawned on me that it was with her that he betrayed me for all these years.

I have not felt the same about her since. I feel betrayed by both of them on a lot of levels. Personally, I find her ethics and moral standards to be deplorable. And his weren't all that upstanding up until he decided to be authentic. Add to that the other sharing he did with her and I feel betrayed and conspired against by both of them.

He feels a need, compulsion to protect her. She admittedly asked him if her marriage fell apart because of him, would he take care of her. While I feel completely vulnerable and betrayed.

He has managed to overcome his jealousy of the other man and of her having to leave him to go home to her husband. Saying it was just a choice he made. As a result, I am shamed for not being able to overcome my jealousy.

I fully realize the insanity of all that I have presented. She is not living a poly life, she is a cheater, no matter how she justifies it.

My boyfriend never wants her husband to ever know about their relationship. Though I ascertain he would have to be an idiot not to. He knows where she is spending her time whether she is with him/us or the other man. She doesn't come home until the wee hours. They have actually attended events together when her husband couldn't make it. He is friends with him and their family!

Personally, I don't really even consider that what my boyfriend and I have is truly poly. I am now just complicit in their web of deceit. And I have expressed that I do not like it one bit.

She thinks she should be an equal partner within our tribe of three. I think she has no place there. One of my sticking points is he keeps telling her that she has a choice about joining us. I have never, never been given that choice about her joining us, I felt it was just expected of me to accept her.

Over the last three weeks the intensity of my jealousy and resentment has grown exponentially. I am miserable and I am making them miserable. Though, to be honest, I delight in that with her, until I check in with my conscience.

I know if I were reading this I would tell them to get out, get out, get out! I fully realize the number and levels of dysfunction this relationship provides. For whatever reasons I'm not there in my mind. I am willing to go toe to toe with my boyfriend to help make us a healthy poly couple.

But for now, the place I have to move through to even get to the other issues we need to address, is the crazy jealousy.

What I told him this morning was that I need space from her. I really want her gone. I won't give him that ultimatum. I am not willing to risk the resentment that could cause.

I asked him to stop pushing so hard for me to accept her and allow me the space for it to happen or not. I told him last night it felt like it was a declaration of "You WILL eat your spinach, and you will like it!" Maybe I would have liked spinach all on my own, if I was given the choice instead of the expectation.

I need two things. One, I do need some validation that I am not completely unjustified with my feelings. I know I have argued too much for how I feel. I do have a need to feel heard. Once I'm heard, I want to be able to move on. Two, I need to know how to move the emotions through this and not stuff them and cause them to eventually resurface. And eventually, I really am hoping this forum will be a valuable source of enlightenment.

Thank you for allowing me my introduction.
 
Honestly, if you're interested in getting into a poly relationship, that's all well & good, BUT, with your boyfriend & her, it sounds like there's just way too much drama to make it happen. Maybe someday you'll find the right set of people who can click down the line. I would just avoid it with those two.

Jealousy doesn't feel good, granted, but it's normal, and yes, even healthy in certain measures. If he's on your case & treating you like it's some sort of disease that you need treatment for, that's not cool. And he's obviously giving you a reason to be jealous. He gives her choices, but not you? BS. You have choices regardless of his consent. Remind him that her presence affect you just as much as it affects him.
 
Maybe I'm biased, but it looks like the entire thing is a trainwreck, & in fact has been a trainwreck for at least, what, 10+ years now. That leads me to doubt that ANY of the dynamic is likely to change in the foreseeable future.

Ongoing deceit, outright lies, willful lack of self-awareness, intentional noncommunication... at what point is any part of this morass supposed to resemble POLYAMORY?

You don't have "a tribe of three" -- that's Clap For Tinkerbell nonsense. You're protecting your (ugh) relationship with a chronic liar & trying to figure out how to defend against his attachment to a chronic liar. I'd agree that you certainly do need perspective, but jealousy is NOT a major problem here.

It's all just hackneyed melodrama, a knockoff soap opera hoping for quick cancellation. The script is about due for an "accidental" pregnancy, or revelation of another previously unsuspected "lover," or a suicide threat, or panic over STDs, or maybe an evil twin. :rolleyes:
Story progression often takes a backseat to what people actually want to see: cat fights and screaming matches and every imaginable configuration of characters sleeping with each other.
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Hi ReikiGal,

I can certainly see why you'd be upset given the current situation. It's great that you're willing to help you and your boyfriend make this a healthy poly couple, but, your boyfriend has to be willing to do that too, otherwise it doesn't work. I get the impression he is sweeping all your requests and concerns aside. You aren't ready to break up with him, but I think the longer you stay with him, the worse things will get. Maybe the thing to do at this point is get some professional counseling. Go as a couple if he's willing, but if he's not, just go yourself. Get some expert help on how to deal with this situation.

I have links for managing jealousy if you're interested, but honestly, your jealousy doesn't seem to be the problem here. If you can keep us posted on how things are going, it will help us to think of further advice.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thank you CTF and Ravenscroft for your perspective. I am fully aware of the shortcomings of this relationship. What I gave were the cliff notes of my situation as I see it. There are other factors that always come into play within any relationship.

I also understand and respect your advice especially based on the information I gave. I can say that he is making an effort. There has been a difference and more open communication in the last two months. However, it does take time to change ingrained patterns of behavior. I am working with that knowledge.

Also, Kevin T., I appreciate your perspective too. I did tell him last night I cannot do this alone and I do need someone else with whom to speak. So I appreciate your suggestion and validation.

Honestly, my jealousy is a problem within me. I do not like how it causes me to feel and behave. I would appreciate any links your could provide with regards to that.

Again, I really appreciate your help, insights and suggestions, and especially the male perspective
 
I am sorry you struggle.

FWIW? This is what pops up to me.

  • You and BF dated. He cheated. You broke up.

  • You started dating again, thinking this time he would do "Open/poly" the right way. Nope. He cheated again. And he cheated with someone who was also cheating on her marriage agreements. And he told her private stuff that he promised to keep private just between you and him.

I feel betrayed by both of them on a lot of levels. Personally, I find her ethics and moral standards to be deplorable. And his weren't all that upstanding up until he decided to be authentic. Add to that the other sharing he did with her and I feel betrayed and conspired against by both of them.
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At this point in time? You don't like him very much. And you don't like her very much either.

I think at some point you could stop hoping for him to change his behaviors. Or break up and leave him to finish changing them on his own.

Reconsider at THAT future point in time when he's become a more reliable person if you want to try again for the 3rd time with him. You personally do not have to help him to grow/change. You could let him do it on his own, and he can expect to have to "show you the money" next time he tries to get back with you. Because you don't take credit cards any more.

Personally, I don't really even consider that what my boyfriend and I have is truly poly. I am now just complicit in their web of deceit. And I have expressed that I do not like it one bit.
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I think you are correct in that assessment. This is not polyamory. You could bow out and stop participating and step away from contributing to you own misery.

I am miserable and I am making them miserable.
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You are not doing well here. :(

I know if I were reading this I would tell them to get out, get out, get out! I fully realize the number and levels of dysfunction this relationship provides. For whatever reasons I'm not there in my mind.
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I could be wrong. But I think I see 2 things here in this situation.

  • Sunk fallacy: Not wanting to give up because you have invested so much already. That's the sunk cost fallacy part
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  • Bargaining stage of grief. Trying so hard to make the kite that won't go FLY anyway.... because you are not at final acceptance in mourning the loss. It's bargaining stage.

From watching my friends who have left bad relationships? They had to PHYSICALLY leave before they could mentally/emotionally leave. They also had to ping pong a few times before making the final break. And even in the final break it was hard for them to walk away because their exes knew all their sensitive spots and all the buttons to push. It was hard for them to listen to the sob stories from the exes promising a better tomorrow. It was like being harangued all over again, just in a different flavor. So they wanted to say "yes, I will stay/come back." Just to get the new wave of harassment to STOP.

It was hard, and they needed support in leaving. One turned to friends to help her get money to fly to her family. Another just got in a car one day, left everything behind, and drove several states to her family. Another went to stay at a women's shelter. Another moved out one day while he was at work, and had to file a restraining order.

I urge you to get support in leaving. If you are not ready to leave or not able to leave? That is ok.

Then I urge you to talk to more people -- get other opinions. See a counselor, call a women's shelter, go attend one of the shelter classes. (Held in libraries, center, malls, etc).

He has managed to overcome his jealousy of the other man and of her having to leave him to go home to her husband. Saying it was just a choice he made. As a result, I am shamed for not being able to overcome my jealousy.
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You are not an extension of him or a carbon copy of him. If he's shaming you because your emotional process is different than his? That's not kind or loving. :(

I do need some validation that I am not completely unjustified with my feelings. I know I have argued too much for how I feel. I do have a need to feel heard. Once I'm heard, I want to be able to move on.
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I can validate that this sounds like a big wonky mess.

I validate that feeling upset, miserable, angry and anything else after agreements were cheated on for the second time is normal to feel.

I validate that you do NOT deserve this. You deserve to be treated well. You have inherent worth, value and dignity. I hope that you arrive at a time/place where you are able to walk away from this misery.

What I told him this morning was that I need space from her. I really want her gone. I won't give him that ultimatum. I am not willing to risk the resentment that could cause.
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What does he do when he is resentful? Does he hurt you? :(

While there may be some jealousy things going on here, I wonder if there's also some insecure feelings? It is hard to feel secure in an unstable situation. That doesn't mean you are a clingy needy person. That means you are in an unstable situation.

But rather than try to (learn how to get secure/used to being in an unstable situation) maybe another solution could be (leave the unstable situation and get to solid ground.)

Like... when the smoke alarm goes off? Don't take the smoke alarm batteries out so it stops beeping. That solves the noise... but does it really solve the main problem? No. Putting out the fire so you don't get burned solves the main problem. And if you cannot put it out because it is too large for you? You run out of the house and save yourself. Call the fire dept.

I am willing to go toe to toe with my boyfriend to help make us a healthy poly couple.
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I see that you want to help put out the fire with him. But I think you could sit and contemplate where your line is. At what point do you run out of the house to save yourself?

Galagirl
 
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Well it sounds like he has set things up so he can date and you can't, he sounds like a paligamous person, not a polyamourous person and yet he's ok with his other partner, that he didnt tell you about having a husband.

For starters cut this guy out your life and don't look back, you shouldn't put up with this bullshit.

He's clearly demanding you accept his jealousy issues and not doing reciprical work for yours, get away, RUN! This is really imbalanced.

Much as you feel attached the investment you have made emotionally is what he's using to get away with treating you badly, break off, get out, tell everyone involved exactly whats going out and get out.
 
Oh honey, this is not polyamory.

Definition of polyamory-- Open ethical relationship style entered into with the knowledge and consent of all of those involved.

You are dating (living with?) a person who is dating a woman who is cheating on her husband, with 2 men. Polyamorous people do not date cheaters. If you are monogamous, and poly friendly, the same ethics apply. You are complicit in dating a man who is dating a cheater.

Is your house/apartment yours, or are you sharing a lease or mortgage? If it's your place, you have every right to change the locks, and box up all his belongings and return them (or put them out on the lawn). If it's a shared home, at the very least you have a right to tell your bf that his gf is not welcome in your home. Heck, some polys who are actually practicing ethical non-monogamy request and enforce that no OSOs are welcome in the shared home. Your home is your refuge, a place of peace for you. Or it should be.

Think of it this way-- if you bf had a male platonic friend that you disliked (say he was a jerk, a drunk, or kept trying to make a pass at you or whatever, just a gross person in general), you'd have every right to not allow your bf to visit with him in your home.

You are worth more than this.

I don't see this as a "jealousy" issue at all, but a case of your own ethics being violated by the dating choices your bf is making. And he wants you to be friends with this woman??

If you posted on a monogamy support board, you know they'd all tell you to DTMFA (dump the motherfucking asshole). You won't get any different advice here. This is just as icky to polys as it would be to monos.
 
Response to PollyNymA

Ok, first off, I know you think you're helping.

He has not set things up this go around so he can and I can't. Whether I have or not over the last 5 + years is irrelevant. I presented what is right now.

I'm not putting up with "bullshit", I am working through it. On my terms, at my pace, with my heart.

He is not a complete and utter loser. We have made huge strides within our relationship. Communication is better and we are both willing to work through our issues. I am not without fault. I admit that. Each of us contributes to the relationship both positive and negative.

I just was asking for help to deal with the emotions within. Berating him, me and our decisions and choices is not productive.

I do appreciate your point of view, I decline indulging it or adopting it.
 
Reply to Magdlyn

Yes, I started this is not polyamory by the conventional definition. It is another issue with which we struggle.

Yes, I understand there are root causes to the jealousy I do feel. I said that before I found this forum.

I am fully capable of safely removing myself from this situation, if and when the time comes. Thank you for your advice and concerns.

I agree, it is an icky issue the whole way around. I am fully aware of how this sounds! I even mentioned that. The fact is that this issue is not enough for me to turn and run, at this point. Maybe it will be, maybe it won't. I know what we have worked through in our past. I still have faith in what we can work through.

Again, I am looking for support working through this, no matter what the end point is, leaving or staying with it resolved.

Thank you for your point of view. It helps bring clarity, clarity of mind in an area I wasn't seeking, but clarity nonetheless.
 
It is of course up to you if you take my advice. I am not Stalin :)

I would encourage you to explore why you think it's your fault, because I see absolutely nothing in any of your posts that suggests anything is your fault.
 
ReikiGal said:
Yes, I started this is not polyamory by the conventional definition. It is another issue with which we struggle.

Yes, I understand there are root causes to the jealousy I do feel. I said that before I found this forum.

I am fully capable of safely removing myself from this situation, if and when the time comes. Thank you for your advice and concerns.

I agree, it is an icky issue the whole way around. I am fully aware of how this sounds! I even mentioned that. The fact is that this issue is not enough for me to turn and run, at this point. Maybe it will be, maybe it won't. I know what we have worked through in our past. I still have faith in what we can work through.

Again, I am looking for support working through this, no matter what the end point is, leaving or staying with it resolved.

Thank you for your point of view. It helps bring clarity, clarity of mind in an area I wasn't seeking, but clarity nonetheless.
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OK, you're welcome. I just want to reiterate this is not a "polyamory" issue at all. This is you dating a guy who is dating a woman who is a cheater. Your bf may think he is doing ethical non-monogamy, but he isn't.

You are treating this as if it is poly, or at least has the potential to become polyamory, what with your bf becoming more transparent or something. But this won't be polyamory until HE dumps his gf, and you refuse to let him frame it merely as you being "jealous." Do you really see any chance of that happening? Do you see he must dump this woman? Have you said that, and explained it as a breach of ethics, her cheating? Has he seen this point at all, or does he keep throwing the "Oh you're just jealous" argument your way?

Set a deadline. If he doesn't dump her by X (weeks), you're dumping him. Of course, with the shady dealings going on, I wouldn't put it past him to tell you he has dumped her and still keeps seeing her on the downlow!

Personally I wouldn't be able to live with, much less have sex with, a man who was dating a cheater. It speaks badly, not just of her character, but his.
 
My Needs Clarified

ReikiGal said:
Again, I am looking for support working through this, no matter what the end point is, leaving or staying with it resolved.
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For those who think I should or should not do something, thank you for your opinion. However, your shaming me into leaving, of the quality of my relationship, and what his shortcomings are and why this justifies in your mind why I am a fool for staying, it is neither what I requested, nor productive and what I need. I am fully aware that leaving is an option. I am safe. I am not metaphorically blind. Your shame is no better or more justified than his.

I have received genuine, help. I am exploring within myself and in a communicative way with him.

Please stop with your projections.

Any other insight into jealousy and possible root causes, of which many I have already expressed to both of them, I welcome in a non-shaming way.

I agree that he and she are both being dishonorable to themselves, each other, her spouse, me and us and our future as a whole because of the deceit. Again, rest assured, I am aware and expressed it.

Right now, the urgency was for me is to get the jealousy under control so we can have productive communication. That is happening. Thank you

Because of this forum and direction, I am better able to articulate my issues and I am no longer deeply entrenched in the raw emotion. I suspect it may resurface, I hope not as strongly. However, I now have a better grasp on moving through it.

Thank you to those who have provided guidance, directly and indirectly.
 
You asked for advice, you got it. Good luck mate. I really don't appreciate your weird "psychologising" of my response. Seems you are just as toxic as your weird partners. I am going to block you then I won't be able to see your posts anymore. I have these things called boundaries, and I will now enforce them.

I consider psychologising to be when a person tells another person what's going on in their head to meet their own ends at the expense of the other person being able to have a clear idea of what's going on. "Please stop with your projections" counts as that. Just to be clear. added this as edit to be clear and transparent.
 
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Stop, just stop.

PollyNymA said:
Well it sounds like he has set things up so he can date and you can't

For starters cut this guy out your life and don't look back, you shouldn't put up with this bullshit.

He's clearly demanding you accept his jealousy issues and not doing reciprical work for yours, get away, RUN! This is really imbalanced.

Much as you feel attached the investment you have made emotionally is what he's using to get away with treating you badly, break off, get out, tell everyone involved exactly whats going out and get out.
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Again, you are projecting your limits and boundaries onto me and my situation. This is neither helpful, nor what I requested.
 
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GalaGirl said:
I am sorry you struggle.

You personally do not have to help him to grow/change.

You could bow out and stop participating and step away from contributing to you own misery.


I see that you want to help put out the fire with him. But I think you could sit and contemplate where your line is. At what point do you run out of the house to save yourself?

Galagirl
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Thank you Galagirl

I am safe, I am monitoring how miserable they make me and my contribution to it. I also monitor where exactly my line is. I do have boundaries that shall neither be moved nor crossed.
 
Glad you know what your boundaries are. Your boundaries are things you set up to keep you safe. They are not for other people to obey. They are for YOU to obey and follow through on so you do not let your soft feelings for someone tempt you toward unhealthy choices that damage you.

You have to love you best of all. The other person can have a lot, even up to 49% of your love. But you have to keep 51% for yourself so you don't put them ahead of your own health and well being. A healthy partner is doing the same thing so they will get that you are doing it too. They know you aren't being "selfish" or "holding back" or whatever. They know that enmeshment in couples is not a good thing.

Right now, the urgency was for me is to get the jealousy under control so we can have productive communication. That is happening.
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Glad to hear communication is happening. I don't think feelings "get under control" so much as "dissipate through being expressed."

You have to find appropriate ways to express what you feel, but before you can express it well you might have to sort out WHAT you feel. Especially if it comes as a tangle of mixed emotions.

Keep in mind "jealousy" is like a "flag" emotion. The flag goes up, but one might have to examine what lies under it. Is your jealousy flag marking anger? Fear? Something else?

Again, I am looking for support working through this, no matter what the end point is, leaving or staying with it resolved.
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I suppose you could stick to a policy of "Show me the money. I don't accept any credit cards" for the time being. He has a bad credit rating right now with you (promises to do/not do stuff that were broken).

If you are going to try to believe in his Word again, he has to actually deliver and KEEP his Word so there's is something there to believe in.

You have to take the first risk -- creating space for him to demonstrate this. AGAIN. Even though at times before he dinged you when you did this.

You have to give a small space for him to do what is expected so he can demonstrate that YES, this time he kept his Word. No doom happened. Risk something small emotionally to start with. Like trusting him to remember to get all the groceries. It's low emotional risk for you while still giving a chance for him to show that he can promise to do something and actually does it.

Then the next time you give it a bit more emotional risk, and again he delivers. Then the next time risk something bigger than that.

It's through consistent behavior on his part that trust can grow.

After X times, you decide that yes, you can trust him now with small things, medium things, AND big things. He's made amends, he's demonstrated the new change enough times, and you can both start a new way of relating together from a clean slate.

Do talk to other people though in real life. Be it friends who've dealt with similar before, a professional counselor, classes, or similar. There's a limit to what internet help can do. Your situation sounds complicated.

Over the last three weeks the intensity of my jealousy and resentment has grown exponentially. I am miserable and I am making them miserable. Though, to be honest, I delight in that with her, until I check in with my conscience.
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I get feeling hurt and feeling kinda glad the other people who hurt you hurt too. But that's not a place in which to linger.

If you find that you can forgive but really have no interest in amends? Then forgive and walk away. Don't stick around to enjoy watching him miserable. Or use "trying to make amends" time as a way to stick it to him because he stuck you. (I'm not saying you will, I am saying to guard against that temptation.)

You forgive so YOU don't have to carry around burden. But you don't necessarily have to give the option to make amends and start a new relationship together. You could decide you are done here and move on.

You sound like you are not certain if you are done or not. Which is fine -- you have to take time to sort all that out for yourself. You are the one who is there.

I'm not sure how else to support you other than to encourage you to sort things out for yourself and say again...

You deserve to be treated well. You have worth, dignity and value.

I hope things get better for you one way or another.

Galagirl
 
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ReikiGal said:
I just was asking for help to deal with the emotions within. Berating him, me and our decisions and choices is not productive.
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I often look at jealousy as not a shortcoming to "deal with," but as very helpful information from your inner voice. Any time you feel unmanageable jealousy or anxiety, it's very important to respect this signal that you're in a situation that's bringing up intense inner conflict. Nobody can shame you if you're not shaming yourself, so the fact that you feel shamed for your jealousy (on top of feeling your jealousy) says that you've got an awful lot to unpack here that will be helpful for you to know about yourself in the long run. People often go to therapists or very insightful friends for this level of work, but I guarantee you that the fruits of all of this are to be found in your own introspection and not so much in trying to get him and her to behave differently. Fault finding and blaming are never helpful (in my perspective) nor is name calling or dismissing others as wholly worthless ("cheaters" "losers" etc.) There is so much more for you to gain from this situation by introspection (not blaming yourself, but self inquiry) than from sorting people into piles of "well behaved" and "ill behaved." Certainly, you may come to conclusions that individuals do or don't gel with what you want for your life, but you'll find a much richer and more satisfying experience by tuning into your own guidance than by attempting to make sweeping judgements about the choices and behaviors of others.
 
ReikiGal said:
Thank you Galagirl

I do have boundaries that shall neither be moved nor crossed.
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I am wondering what those boundaries are. Maybe you could list them, here, if that would help?

I suggested a boundary would express itself as not having your bf's gf, your metamour, to your place anymore. I also suggest you walk away from conversations where your bf tries to shame you out of your "jealousy" by saying he doesn't have any. And he's guilting you by expecting you to be actual friends with this woman? No one needs to be friends with metas! Many poly never see or speak to their metas. Many see them in passing and show mere politeness. Many ask their partner to never mention their meta (other than mere basics like, I saw her last night, we used condoms). I don't even know where this idea came from (other than romantic fantasy) that metas need to be friends, bffs or even lovers. Just because you share a lover doesn't mean you love each other. And that's fine!

The final boundary of course, would be deciding to step away from bf if he doesn't dump his other, unethical gf.

But what are your boundaries? You say they haven't been moved or crossed? Then why are you so miserable?

I feel like shame is something you deal with often, and showed itself in your extreme reaction to perceived shaming on this thread. I think all the posters here did the opposite of shaming. They are taking time out of their day to help, to offer advice from their own experience and reading about polyamory. If it's not expressed exactly in ways you'd prefer, that's the nature of internet message boards. Some advice will feel helpful, some will go against your grain. Take what works and leave the rest.

FallenAngelina said:
I often look at jealousy as not a shortcoming to "deal with," but as very helpful information from your inner voice. Any time you feel unmanageable jealousy or anxiety, it's very important to respect this signal that you're in a situation that's bringing up intense inner conflict. Nobody can shame you if you're not shaming yourself, so the fact that you feel shamed for your jealousy (on top of feeling your jealousy) says that you've got an awful lot to unpack here that will be helpful for you to know about yourself in the long run. People often go to therapists or very insightful friends for this level of work, but I guarantee you that the fruits of all of this are to be found in your own introspection and not so much in trying to get him and her to behave differently. Fault finding and blaming are never helpful (in my perspective) nor is name calling or dismissing others as wholly worthless ("cheaters" "losers" etc.) There is so much more for you to gain from this situation by introspection (not blaming yourself, but self inquiry) than from sorting people into piles of "well behaved" and "ill behaved." Certainly, you may come to conclusions that individuals do or don't gel with what you want for your life, but you'll find a much richer and more satisfying experience by tuning into your own guidance than by attempting to make sweeping judgments about the choices and behaviors of others.
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Well she does have to "judge" whether her bf's choice feel icky to her. She does seem to want or expect him to "change" for her, to somehow learn to practice ethical polyamory. However, he seems rather fine with dating his cheating gf. He hasn't learned what the consequences, if any, are if he continues to date a a cheater.

Still confused about what Reiki's unmovable boundaries are...
 
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